Topic : Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

One could start some very "hot topics" in here but it doesn't necessarily appear to be the case for this board.  Hmmm.  Maybe we just need something to get things going. 

I'm in a relationship that involves minimal sexual interaction between my spouse and I ... why?  I'm not totally sure but I am told that it has too much to do with a tainted past and nothing to do with me.  Hmmm?!? 

So, what can one do to make that aspect more interesting? ... to make "it" seem like a good/fun thing? 

I've tried taking the pressure off by obstaining from approaching my spouse ... that just brings up negative feelings. 

I've tried putting the "go signal" on their shoulders ... apparently, that causes too much pressure, as the responsiblity is their's. 

I've tried discussing it, which leads to no resolve, as the "past isn't a problem" yet it still affects them regularly ... doesn't that make it a problem? 

I've suggested therapy ... how can one talk to a stranger about these sorts of problems?  I think most refer to it as mediation or counselling. 

I've discussed the introduction of toys, videos, etc ... apparently, there's nothing wrong with me ... and the past isn't really a problem ... so, where's the problem here??? 

Perhaps I don't really "do it" for my spouse any more ... I've opened the door for them to experiment, if they felt the need to ... still nothing changes.   Hmmmm?!? 

I've tried changing this, doing that, taking on this, handling that, sorting out those ... etc, etc, etc ... and it might change things for a very short term but not in the long run. 

So, whaddyado? 

My ex informed me that he wanted a divorce and I couldn't afford to move out right away.  The night before I was supposed to move out, he wanted sex.  I was all for it, my only question was, had he changed his mind? Nope.  What sis he think I was, a prostitute?  I told him no way! We were only seperating, I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce.  Any time he changed his mind, I was ready and willing to move back with him but, I wanted the understanding that I was his wife!   

It sounds like your situation is that he is having it great both ways.  He has you all the time and a girlfriend as a spare.  My advice is that you have him live in a seperate bedroom until he decides whether it's going to be you or her, he can't have both of you.  Make sure he understands that you love him and that you want him.  But, he can't have it both ways. 

In the meantime, make it tough for him.  Dress special for him, make a date night every week, just you and him even if it's just a walk in the sunset.  Cook something special for him occasionally. 

Lastly, are you absolutely certain that there is a girlfriend?  Could it be that he was not trying to make you jealous?  Maybe he was just trying to get some fire in your relationship. 

Good Luck! 

Some background info.  I have been with this guy since July 2004 and neither of us are under 30.  The ground rules we set up was the relationship was to be sex only.  No falling love. We will be talking about stuff and he will throw into the conversation.  Stuff like this.  I went to an orgy last night and had sex with four girls at once, or I'm moving in with a girl next week, or I've got company right now or I'm going camping with Tina, and a lot more along the same lines.   I'll say oh thats cool or sometimes to tease him I'll say prove you have company.  Most of the time I just ignore it, because its so odd.  If  I ignore the remarks he Will say does that make you jealous?  If  I tease him and say prove your with Tina or have company, he gets a pissy attitude and will end the conversation.  I'm not in love with him, he is just fun to be with.  We talk or text msg each other almost every day. The sex is about once a week.  So why does he say this stuff?  Thanks for your help. 

If you ask me, sounds like he's got himself some deeper ties to you than just the sex ... give him the opportunity and he'd be your's forever.  If he's trying to make you jealous, he's hoping that you are emotionally investing in him.  Maybe he's just looking for the ego boost but it doesn't sound like it to me. 

Reality is that you set the guidelines of the relationship right off the bat ... if he doesn't adhere to the current agreement, you either have to renegotiate or discontinue the arrangement, right? 

Good luck with that! 

Go for it!?! Now is the time to tell him honestly all the things you like?  He is asking for a reason. 

If you can't  open up to your man, who can you be open with?  have fun

• You can write him an email or letter. 
• You can show him-take his hands (or whatever) and show him what to do.
• You can talk while he cuddles you from behind so your aren't face to face. 
• You can read something like the Kama Sutra or The Joy of Sex together and use it as a starting point for discussion.

I was shy about my body naked, too and when my husband started taking erotic photos of me and I was able to see me through HIS eyes, it really changed things for me.  My husband is a pretty fine photographer, though.