Quote From: hopev3Hi, could somebody help me with this, I have been struggling with the issue for a year now and it's really getting to me. I am in my twenties, and have been involved in a serious, committed relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. We love and support eachother, and he is very attentive towards me in all aspects of the relationship.
My problem is that I never orgasm during sex. I suspect that it is because I am not getting enough foreplay from him. If that's not the reason it could definitely make sex much much more enjoyable for me. I tried telling him about my needs, but he get very defensive when I do so. Although he does try to do what I ask of him sometimes, I have a feeling that he quickly gives up. When I confront him about not doing what I ask of him again, he says that he has nothing to do with me being able to orgasm. He says that it is a problem that's
in my head, and that I am the only one who could do anything about it.
Although I agree with the probability of having a psychological block, I feel hurt that he doesn't try hard enough to please me. We both feel powerless and I don't feel that we're working together as a team to achieve something, as we do in all other aspects of our lives. What hurts me also is that when I try to talk about my needs it hurts his ego, and makes him feel like less of a man. So I have a feeling that I am destroying his manhood if I am talking about my needs, and yet I feel miserable if I don't tell him about them.
I used to be very demanding when talking about my needs to him, and although now i try to communicate them differently (by being careful not to sound accusing or demanding), I feel that I've hurt his ego permanently in the past. It was unintentional of course, but how do I overcome this baggage now? How do I tell him that he has some responsibility towards learning the things I like in bed without making him feel inadequate? How do I make him understand that it is also his job to keep trying to get me to orgasm?
Thanks in advance to anybody who has taken the time to read this :(
Make sure you talk to him about his, when the two of you are sitting around, not in the bedroom during or prior to sex. Make sure you ask him his idea of how things should go. It may hurt his ego, but if he is not focusing on your needs, he is not doing thing right. Do you orgasm during oral copulation? If you can, and if you can during masturbation, then it very well could be he being too selfish to care about your needs. Getting angry and accusing you of it being your fault is a common way men keep from having to put their own needs to the side and ensuring they are taking care of their woman's needs. Don't allow him to get by with that.
It sounds like you are attempting to be sensitive to not hurting his feelings, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt his ego. Men's egos are fragile, but he needs to know the truth. Ask him if he is truly interested in fulfilling your needs or him obtaining his own orgasm? Maybe you need to get a book on the subject. A great book that comes to mind is "The Joy of Sex" but it may be out of print. You could probably get a used book if it is, via Amazon.com or some place such as this. Talk to him about exploring your body with his hands and mouth, and even more with his eyes closed. He should be able to read your body and tell what feels good to you and what doesn't if he does things right. Talk to him about the two of you doing exercises in this area, and make it where you have to reach orgasm, before he even considers obtaining his own. Tell him there is nothing more erotic for a man, if he would slow down, and explore your body as if he were searching it, via hands and mouth, for some precious jewel that is so fragile that it will easily break if he does not search for it with the utmost care. He should be looking at your body as something he can romance, and make love to as an entity of itself. He should search your body as if it is an act of worship, take his time to please the goddess, your body.
A recommendation I have given on here prior would be something I love to do for the woman in my life. Have him romance you with something such as cooking you a nice meal, and when the meal is over, have him run you a nice bath, and while you soak, with candles all around in the bathroom, with some nice smooth music, (Andreas Vollenwieder's White Winds is my favorite) he can clean up the kitchen, and after he has done so, about 45 minutes, then he could go into the bathroom and wash your body, exploring every crevasse and part, making the washing an erotic experience in itself. He could even shave your legs, if that is something you would enjoy and trust him to do, and once he has finished, he could dry you off, take you to the bedroom and give you a nice body massage with some warm oils he has warmed in warm water while you were soaking. He should use this time to explore your body, and attempt to be in tune with your body, searching for what feels good to you and what does not. If he can read your body, he will find this out by your body's reaction to what he does. The massage can turn into a wonderful love making or, as I enjoy use this time to totally focus on what pleases you, and even allow you to reach this orgasm with his hands and mouth, not thinking of his own needs, and if he can't find that erotic, then you should know for sure he is being selfish. If he thinks that is too much work, his mind is not in the right place, and again he is wanting to focus on his needs not yours. To me, nothing is more erotic or fulfilling than to please the woman in my life. He should take that attitude, and things may improve.
Another thing you could do, again is similar to what I described above, and again ensure he brings you to orgasm before he even considers his own needs. Even when the focus changes to his own needs, if he is not being lazy, he will want to give you another orgasm, while working on his own.
I hope this helps. Remember make sure you bring the subject up when there is no way that sex will be taking place soon. This should be a discussion between the two of you when no interruptions can take place, and sex will not happen. He needs to toughen the skin of his ego long enough to realize that he can change, and make himself the best lover you have ever had, if he is willing to put the time into pleasing his partner, instead of worrying about his orgasm. In time he should wind up being more turned on by his ability to turn you on, and then you getting off will be part of his own excitement and pleasure as well.
Good luck, and Great Sex!
