Quote From: justmikeIm realising the situation is bigger than I thought. Ill start with the little things first.
I spoke to my wife tonight. She brought up our sexual relationship. She asked me what I wanted, & all I said was, well, just lots of kissing, touching, foreplay. Nothing over the top. I told her I wanted to share a growing intimate relationship with her, not only sex. I think its pretty normal for newlyweds to want this. She said: Well see. She even believes that making love doesnt even exist. Which rather shocked me. She thinks making love is some flaky thing from romance novels. Her view of sex is only self-gratification and she thinks it's unusual that someone actually wants to be giving & passionate with it.
At least I convinced her, using this phrase: I'll create the situation, and I would love you to come along for the ride. She agreed to that. But I feel well, somewhat short-changed by her passive response.
She told me a little more (not much, but still) about her previous sexual experiences. She said that she had never experienced foreplay, or any kind of warming up before sex. (But she has been satisfied.) She told me that her sexual experiences werent loving.
So I think youre right. I really underestimated her past experience and preconditioning.
She told me she thinks that two people who DON'T love each other have more fun during sex. I can see why she thinks this. But honestly, I believe MORE fun can be had by two people passionately in love. As we were, last year. Pretty elementary stuff, I think. Im thinking she might have post-wedding feet. She told me tonight: You think I dont love you. I didnt know how to answer that. Im willing to fight for our relationship.
Im wondering what to do in this situation. She said before she began her exams that it would be hard for her. She said she doesnt want me to love her while she is away, because it will be too much for her. Shes had a killer year with abnormally high stress. She has plummeting self-esteem and an emerging breathing/throat issue (something is always making her gulp for air, as if shes in constant shock).
This is beyond a silly little intimacy issue. Im very worried and concerned for her. I think she needs a complete change of lifestyle, but I cant make her do anything. Its a very overwhelming situation for me. What can I do?
I am sorry I didn't write sooner. I don't check this message board that often. I am glad you realize the situation you are dealing with needs some extra help. I would say you both will need counseling, either together or separately. You won't be able to reason with her to solve the problem. It's not a change in lifestyle that will make the difference, it's resolving the past issues that will put your wife back on track to a close and intimate relationship with you. If you live in the California bay area I can recommend a therapist.
I believe she is using her work to avoid dealing with issues which has only intensified by getting married. All her views on sex are ways to avoid dealing with her inability to respond to you sexually. I don't think she is wanting to withdraw from you, she just can't help feeling that way right now (without counseling). I think she wants to respond to you sexually the way you want her to, but can't.
Continue being patient with her, loving her, and reasuring her you still want her. You can even consider it foreplay that takes several months before you both are ready. I am glad you said you are willing to "fight for our relationship." Just remember, it's your wife that is important - not the relationship. You may have to set aside your image of the ideal relationship for now in exchange for the reality of the one you have. But cheer up, things can only get better, right?
