Topic : Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

I agree but all Im saying is you can't force a man to say what you want him to say. It should come from his heart. And from MY experience, I did make a shy man embrace himself and be comfortable with sex. He tells me I'm sexy, he tells me I'm beautiful but I never told him to say that to me.

Anyhow, I wish a better sexlife for the both of them. 

Here's the thing in my situation. I love my husband more than anything in the world. As it should be. But I was molested as a child and raped as an adult. Because of these things I have an extremely hard tie asking my husband for what I want sexually. For two reasons. 1 because I am afraid of what he will think of me. And 2 because I feel that what ever I might ask for no matter how normal or innocent, it is wrong and it makes me feel dirty. What do I do??

I hear what you are saying.  I love him and will except him not matter what.  Sometimes it is really hard, to except that he just does not want to make love with me.  He is there, and I should be thankful that he is even here. 

 

I am just really very insecure since the accident and him not wanting to touch me.  Just playing around, but he does that with everyong. 

 

Thank you for you insight. 

I know what you mean.  My man will not talk to me as to WHY he does not want to have sex.  It would make it sooooo much eaiser if they would talk about it.  It make me feel like I am not sexy or intising at all. 

 

 

I'm so hurt and frustrated.

To be told you are loved but then for your advances to be rejected is just too painful.

I've put myself out there. I've adapted the attitude I'm responsible for making myself happy. I have taken steps to feel sexier. But my husband just flatly isn't interested in sex.

He doesn't want to disucss sex. He's response it he is happy with the way things are and he just doesn't see why I am getting so frisky.

So - I need to resolve my issue of do I stay and feel starved for attention. Limited in my sexuality - stiffled. How does a person replace what they crave.

Food - been doing that for years - it only got me fat. I'm working too hard at getting rid of that escape. Drink - no thanks - I really like feeling healthy now. An affair - believe me I've been fantazing about it. BUT - that would not only hurt him (which is not my desire) but my family and to be honest me. It's not what I want.

Gawd I'm lonly in a house filled with people.

I am in a relationship with a man I love more than anything.  We've been together for 2 years, and sex is....pretty much absent.  I am VERY attracted to him.  I believe we are BOTH very much in love.  He is very loving in every other way, but sexually.  He says sex has never been high on his list.  I have a very high sex drive, and I am very willing to find a happy middle ground.  But I find, often we go weeks, and months without being intimate.  He doesn't have a problem with erections or performance.  He just doesn't want to even try.  At times he starts fondling me during the night, and if I respond, he whines and rolls over.  I have talked to him about how I feel, and that I understand it's not a big thing for him, but it's a need I have, and it is very important to me.  He is always looking at porn online, and I am very willing to experiment with what may excite him more.  He says he does find me very beautiful and sexually attractive, and that is just how he has always been.  He even voluntarily went to the doctor to discuss the problem.  Even if I lay in bed next to him and pleasure myself, which seems to be what turns him on the most...he will roll over and fall asleep, happily moaning along with me.  I don't want to lull him to sleep, I would like him to at least take part in pleasuring me, even if he doesn't want to actually have intercourse.  As time passes I find that the whole thing is making me crabby, and I don't want to pressure him so I can't keep telling him it's because I am simply dying to make love with him, so I just make other excuses, like I'm tired, or the kids have me stressed.  I find myself talking to myself as he hugs his pillow at night instead of me.  Imagine that...jealous of a pillow!!  Please...any advise would be great!  Thank you! 

if you find the answer please let me know.

I have been with the same man for 20 years now.

It wasn't always like this although he was never a demonstrative person he did enjoy quiet passion.

I've tried to educate myself about people aging and their sexual relationships. It's been enlightening to know that older men in general do take a little more time to get into the mood. They enjoy the touching and watching more. But they have to want to complete the act too. Or at least engage in something pleasing to their partner.

Mine - knows how hurt I am today although we will not discuss it.

Good luck - keep me posted. L

Hi L!

Thanks for the reply.  I just don't get it.  We are both in our 40's.  This is our second go 'round at marriage.  Collectively we have 5 kids (I have 3, he has 2), they get along like a dream.  My kids love him, and his love me.  I couldn't ask for more in any other way, except for the passion. 

He always talks a good show, and gropes throughout the day, but when it comes to putting any action behind it all....he fizzles out one me.  Quite honestly I really don't feel that we have ever "Made Love".  We've had sex, but not the sweet stuff.  The sex really isn't even good...it's just that I want the physical expression of our love.  Honestly at this point, I'd settle for him just holding me close while he sleeps, so that at least I can feeling him against my skin, listen to his heartbeat.  I get so frustrated I end up getting out of bed...I can't even sleep.  Most of the time even when we do have any type of sexual relations, he doesn't even climax.  I find this extremely frustrating.  I have never come across anything like this.  In the early stages of our relationship he would have to finish himself off, which I thought was rather odd too.  Now he'll just stop.  There is no fear of pregnancy, as I had my tubes tied years ago, and he had a vasectomy before we got together....so I just don't get it.  Any other man wouldn't quit until he was at least satisfied.

UGH!!!!

My sympathies are with you...maybe if we put our heads together we can figure this guys out.

All the best ~ L

I'm really sorry you've had to experience being molested and raped, and I can't even begin to understand what that may have done to you, but in my opinion, the basis of every friendship, every relationship, every marriage, is honesty. He will just plain have to listen to you. If you can't have a civil conversation about what's important to you, what does that make of him? I don't know him, but my advice is to trust him and tell him how you feel. Even if you think it's "wrong" somehow. I'm not really sure what you mean when you say your sexual needs are wrong and make you feel dirty though. Sex is dirty. Don't get me wrong, I think dirty is good. Sex is raw passion, nothing is wrong as long as it doesn't hurt anyone and you're honest about it and talk it through. Remember also that

1. You might have needs he can't satisfy,  but as long as they're out there in the open, you won't feel wrongly about them, even if you might not get him to go along with them.
2. Have you ever considered the fact that he might feel the same way? Maybe he's afraid of discussing his needs because he's afraid of what you might think of him too. In this case, you can both be dirty together and all is well;)

Ponder this one for a bit: Should you really ever be afraid of what your spouse might think of you?

 

In my honest opinion, there is only one thing you can do, and that is talk to him about it. I don't know him, but I sure know that I myself would appreciate the honesty. This to me doesn't seem as serious a problem as you portray it. You even say that you know some of these needs are "normal and innocen" so I think you're overreacting, and I'm sure he'll understand you. Trust him, he is your husband, isn't he?

I fear your husband's got issues he's not telling you about. He doesn't want to have a conversation about your needs because he is happy? If you've tried to talk to him about it, he has to see the fact that you're not happy, but he chooses to ignore it, because he hopes he never has to take the confrontation. In my opinion, this has gone to far a long time ago, you're actually considering divorcing him because he can't satisfy you sexually. Have you considered the possibility that these issues you have can be rooted in something else then the lack of sexual satisfaction?

 

Have you considered the use of sex toys? There are a variety af great toys on the market, for both men and women. I realise of course that what you crave is intimacy and closeness, but I'm sure it'll help a bit on the pure sexual issue. Have you expressed to him just how real this problem is for you? Chances are, if he isn't interested in sex, he won't understand how this thing became a problem in the first place. Honestly, if he doesn't want to discuss it, there's something wrong with him and not with you.

 

I know your feeling of loneliness, but you better lose that feeling. I bet your husband and your children love you very much. You're not lonely, you're just lacking a few things to become happy.

 

I'm glad you realized that your fantasy of having an affair would have catastrophic consequenses, it means you're not about to do just about anything to satisfy your needs. I'm afraid I can only give you the advice I always give people; you have to talk to him about it. Even if he doesn't go along with a lot of it, you'll feel a lot better once you get it off your chest. I'm not the one to play ultimatums, but what you need in the first place, is for him to agree to talking about it. You need him to understand the seriousness of the problem, and you can't do that if he refuses to see it. I admit of course that this is a confrontation you'd rather not take, but if you don't, the problem will be all the more seriuos in a few months time.