Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

User Mood
Scared

Message Emote

August 4, 2007, 4:58 pm PDT

So can you tell me what my problem is ?

Quote From: toekoes

Lol that is prbably the response or the expression you might get when talking about what pleases you sexually but hey it starts with talk. Communication is one of the best ways to start intimacy whether it be through your mouth or through your body language. It is very embarrassing to tell your partner especially if that person is not satisfying you but they can't smell what you want either and they can't always guess and as we all know some of us women are good at FAKING IT but that gets so old. There's more than one wat to get "pleasure" without even penetrating and you'll never know until you and your partner explore one another's bodies.

Communication is the key to that hidden pleasures and hinting does NOT WORK! If you must start by guiding one another do it...it'll only benefit you.

I am with a man whom I have been with for 2 years and he is not intersted in me at all. He would rather look at a mag and masturbate in thebathroom knowing I am right there in the room. I can ask for sex he says no, I can come on to him and he turns me down, yet he will an hour later go in the shower and please himself. Then when he finally gives me some, his comment at the end is are good for the next month. I mean come on, what I am suppose to think. Yet he tells me everyday he loves me and we have big plans for the furture.. HMMMM I think I am the sucker in this.

Read Replies to this Message

yaulynk

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

August 7, 2007, 2:38 pm PDT

been there

Quote From: momof3angels72

I am with a man whom I have been with for 2 years and he is not intersted in me at all. He would rather look at a mag and masturbate in thebathroom knowing I am right there in the room. I can ask for sex he says no, I can come on to him and he turns me down, yet he will an hour later go in the shower and please himself. Then when he finally gives me some, his comment at the end is are good for the next month. I mean come on, what I am suppose to think. Yet he tells me everyday he loves me and we have big plans for the furture.. HMMMM I think I am the sucker in this.

I couldn't help but see a familiartiy here.

My ex was almost the same. I have a sexual appitite. Not that I ever slept around but for me the person i was married to was my partner in life. He would deny me sex for months on end to the point when we finally had sex i was almost greatfull. It took me a long time to get the idea in my head that this was a version of control over me. He would say things like it was "too much work" to have sex, yet would please himself. It wasn't like I was unwilling or hard to please. I never figured out what was going on with him. It made me question myself, my values, and our marriage.

I finally left. There were to many things that didn't add up. He never called me by my name or a pet name between us. Wouldn't hug back when I gave him a hug, things of this nature. And it wasn't like I was asking for a little affection in public. It took a few years to get over this, as i said without any idea what I "was doing wrong" I had to work out my feelings myself, without input from him.

I am now in a new relationship. Been divorced over 3 years and things are great. The man i am with has the same fun in bed that i feel i have. And things are working out. To me, sex is important in a marriage or relationship. And it's not just sex, it's the physical communication involved.

I hope you can figure this out. I wouldn't dare offer advice, I can offer understanding as i know how it can make a person feel being rejected when it's obvious the "need" is there somewhere.

Read Replies to this Message

lily2007

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote

August 17, 2007, 11:28 am PDT

Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

Still searching for a voice. Thought I was doing well - had decided it was more than sex I was looking for in my marriage. It is ... things are not without complications right? Nothing is straight black and white - but ... once you have asked for what you want and been told that you are not asking for too much. When is it appropriate to point out - hey - remember we were going to ... you know...more? .... A lot of the time issues are family related and I feel like I'm a very patient person but ... if I ask too much then I'm setting myself up to feel rejected. Actually have been feeling that way this week. But then if I go back to not speaking up then I'm perpetuating my own problem. The recent posts discussing sex as a control issue is now rattleing around in my head. Is my husband trying to control me? Something more to ponder - but doesn't help the tingle of need and desire go away - wish I could just figure out how to get what I want.

Read Replies to this Message

cupablondsugar

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote

August 17, 2007, 6:41 pm PDT

NO NO NO!!

Quote From: mdearest

I didn't sleep with him, but I did let him get to my heart again. I swear, I am so stupid. My birthday was yesterday, well my stbx (soon to be ex) came home Monday evening really drunk and I helped him to bed. During the help that night and all morning yesterday he was so sweet. I want us to try to work it out, I will go to counseling if thats what you want, I believe that we can make it. So it is my birthday now, I call and set up the appointment with a counselor for next week. My husband calls me at work to see what it is exactly that I would like for dinner, so we decide that. The day goes on, I'm 40, I'm happy, it's my birthday. He comes home from work, still happy and begins to cook. Well our 10 year old is home and talking to him, then our 19 year old who lives with us comes home with her boyfriend and their new baby ... something happens, don't ask me what. I go into the kitchen when dinner is almost ready and my husband calls my 19 yr old in to see if she will finish the chicken as he has to go. I'm confused, I ask, "where are you going?" He has made a plate for his girlfriend, of my birthday dinner, and is going to take it to her at work, but will be back in about an hour or so. My heart sank to the floor and slithered off under the refrigerator never to be seen again. I felt so stupid and embarrassed for believing his lies all day. I know I don't deserve to be treated this way, but every part of my heart tells me that I should try to save my marriage. The vows do say for better or for worse.

I wish I had the money because if I did, I would see a therapist weekly if not more and file for divorce tomorrow. I can't go on like this, he is slowly and painfully killing my heart and he doesn't even give a crap.

Oh god, please let me win the lottery tonight ... I will gladly give him half the money just to get him out of my life once and for all and get on with living for myself and my kids.

Sweety, you don't help that man into bed, you show him to the door!!!

Read Replies to this Message

gypsyblue1316

User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote

August 17, 2007, 9:00 pm PDT

Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

Quote From: lily2007

You know what - I think you have to follow your heart.

You have only been dating 7 months. You trust and love this woman? It's committed at this point you have said.

It's the past that you are fearful off. Only time will be able to tell if you can 'let it go'.

Give yourself a chance. Don't rush into marriage and don't hold this over her head. I would also think if she dwells on your experience then there is a big red flag for you. But if both of you are enjoying one another then let this be your beginning.

I'm not always sure that full revalations of ones past love life is the best - what do others feel?

I mean I understand wanting to be honest and open for health reasons but ... I guess since I've been married for 20 years I just haven't thought about the dating world as much. Wow!

WELL SAID!!!!

Read Replies to this Message

tinkertoy

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
worried

August 23, 2007, 12:11 pm PDT

Boyfriend had heartattack and can't get an erection

I've been dating this guy for a year now. Even for the first time that we initiated sex, he couldn't get an erection but knew how to still please me. He also had an array of toys. Because I was out of a divorce from a 18 year marriage, sex was difficult for me anyways. So I was just fine with this and I still am. He had a major heartattach 6 months into our relationship. He hasn't initiated anything since. I didn't know how to bring it up so i wrote him a letter and explaining that I was getting frustrated by not having that contact. Yes he loves to play with everything above the waist- but nothing below. I've even pushed his hand down and he pulls away. He did mention that the doctors told him he is not a candidate for any viagra or anything. I'm not sure how to bring up any subjects. I really do love him and really enjoy his attention in all other matters. He hasn't even mentioned the letter I left him to read. I've gone so far as just pleasing myself, i'd rather have him involved.

Read Replies to this Message

cincystu

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
hopeful

August 24, 2007, 11:08 am PDT

boyfriend had heartattack can't get erection

Quote From: tinkertoy

I've been dating this guy for a year now. Even for the first time that we initiated sex, he couldn't get an erection but knew how to still please me. He also had an array of toys. Because I was out of a divorce from a 18 year marriage, sex was difficult for me anyways. So I was just fine with this and I still am. He had a major heartattach 6 months into our relationship. He hasn't initiated anything since. I didn't know how to bring it up so i wrote him a letter and explaining that I was getting frustrated by not having that contact. Yes he loves to play with everything above the waist- but nothing below. I've even pushed his hand down and he pulls away. He did mention that the doctors told him he is not a candidate for any viagra or anything. I'm not sure how to bring up any subjects. I really do love him and really enjoy his attention in all other matters. He hasn't even mentioned the letter I left him to read. I've gone so far as just pleasing myself, i'd rather have him involved.

I competely share your frustration. I am in an similar situation, My boyfriend of five years just recently had a brain stroke and he suffers from other medical problems. so before the stroke we were having the same problems. He would get mad at me for not being able to get an erection and for having to please me in other ways. fore play used to be fun but now it's as if he resents having to do it. because his needs are not being met. I try everything possible to help him get an erection but to no avail. I don't know how to let him know how I am feeling because it seems to make him more hurt and frustrated. I dont want to hurt him by breaking up. I am trying to be supportive, but what am i suppose to do?

Read Replies to this Message

jackdaddy

User Mood
Good

Message Emote
hopeful

August 27, 2007, 2:29 pm PDT

sex for the sake of sex

well I love my wife very much and we are talking about have a another child,she is bipoler and is coming on her meds so that the child is not effected by her meds. I understand that I also want her to be the mother of my children we alread have one, this is my issue we talk about getting pregent in the next few months witch I want to as much as she dose. This probley me sound like a normal guy but I like making love to my wife just to enjoy each other. I feel like in some way I am the Stud, and when then put out to pasture. I know she is not doing it this to hurt me I just dont think her drives are working sometime due to her meds. I am I jerk for wanting to have sex for sex sake should I be happy to just be the Stud, and when she is off her meds and ready just go to town trying to get pregent. Or shuld I tell her that when she talks about getting gregent and having sex is like putting a bone on a stike and string over a dogs head to get it to work. how should I bring it up the next time we are talking about getting pregent. really I dont want to the entercourse part really I it sort of anticlimatic what about the four play I really enjoy that part the part I enjoy the most is giving it to her. what should I do?

Read Replies to this Message

jsmebjnsn

User Mood
Nervous

Message Emote

August 31, 2007, 3:38 am PDT

threesomes

I found out this morning that my hubby is planning a threesome as a surprise to me. he knows that i have been with women in the past and that i have had 3somes in my past relationships. but they were always planned between me and my then boyfriends. I dont want to make him feel bad but i dont want to do this without my imput how do i let him know that i know. I only know because one of my friends answered the ad that he put up for it and she told me becuase she knew his email address.

Read Replies to this Message

latinapr12

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote

September 2, 2007, 3:43 am PDT

Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

Quote From: jsmebjnsn

I found out this morning that my hubby is planning a threesome as a surprise to me. he knows that i have been with women in the past and that i have had 3somes in my past relationships. but they were always planned between me and my then boyfriends. I dont want to make him feel bad but i dont want to do this without my imput how do i let him know that i know. I only know because one of my friends answered the ad that he put up for it and she told me becuase she knew his email address.

Maybe you should check this out yourself. Have you seen the "AD"?

Tell your husband how you feel. He is your husband , not a boyfriend. The past, was the past.

Best of Luck

-Latinapr12

Read Replies to this Message

Message Boards

Topic : Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

So can you tell me what my problem is ?

been there

Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

NO NO NO!!

Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?

Boyfriend had heartattack and can't get an erection

boyfriend had heartattack can't get erection

sex for the sake of sex

threesomes

Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?