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Topic : Body Image & Sex Appeal

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:17:04 pm
Author : dataimport
How you feel about your own body translates into how sexy you feel and how your partner perceives you. What do you do to feel sexy?


 
flitrflies
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October 25, 2005, 12:01 pm PDT

I Feel Like You Feel Too SOmetimes

Quote From: ezeltjie

Well, first of all, I am not a very confident person, I never was, and I doubt if I ever will be.  I used to be alot thinner and was pretty ok to look at.  I fell pregnant last year, my little boy is now 3 months old.  The problem I have is that I find it very difficult to get over that fact that I had a baby and will probably never look the same as I did before. My body is a total mess, I have ugly scarring from the caesar, and it looks like I ran naked through a hail storm.  It really is difficult for me to accept all that has happened, and to make it worse, my boyfriend who is also the father of our child, loves & appreciates the female body.  He is forever looking at women on the net, naked (not porn though) or in provocative underwear.  This doesn't really help my self-esteem.  This makes me feel even worse, because I would give the world to look like that for him.  He always tells me that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind the way my body looks after the baby, because he loves me.  Is the problem with me?  Am I making unnecessary strife between us?  I cannot help the way I feel.  As if motherhood isn't tough enough, I have to walk around all day feeling like I'm ugly. Although I could never imagine my life without my little boy in it, and that everything else is worthwhile, I am really struggling to cope looking in the mirror everyday.  It is so bad, because me and my boyfriend used to have a very exciting sex life.  I mean I had a nice body & I'm a very sexual person in general.  But now, I don't like it when he sees me naked, I always cover myself if he walks into the room.  He isn't allowed to enter the bathroom while I'm bathing.  It has an effect on us, and our sex life.  He cannot buy sexy underwear for me anymore, because he says that he never sees me without clothes anyway or we always have sex with the lights off.  Is there something wrong with me?  Am I somehow missing the bigger picture here?

I too have had a baby 10 months ago, my fourth child, second marriage. My husband is 6 years younger then I. So you can assume, he points out those younger, solid, voluptuous girls all the time. I think they're sweet too, but, I too feel ashamed of my body. I was 125 lbs before pregnancy, I went up to 200 lbs, and now I'm somewhere around 160, I hope. I don't weigh myself.  I beat myself up, internally, everyday. You are so right, it's very difficult to deal with body image changes, especially after child birth. With all the changes the relationship goes through because of the baby changes and between you and your husband. But trust me, time, you need time. Your body is a temple, after all can he have a baby.  You are special, your body grew a baby, your body feed that baby for nine months, if you breastfeed...until your baby eats food, you, your body is keeping your baby ALIVE....  good gosh, isn't that the most spectacular wonder of the world. Your body is beyond miraculous my dear!!!  

  

Sure he looks at porn, look at it with him. What makes you think that any other female could ever compete with you, you born his child!  Sure he thinks the girl's are sexy....take his thoughts and turn them into  your  fantasizes. Tease him!  

  

do what works for you!!! don't wear sexy underwear....i don't wear underwear, my butt hangs out of it. yah i wear granny undies when I'm cycling, i don't like underwear.  you can imagine after 4 kids... i gained ALLOT ALLOT of weight! and then i lost it all when my body and mind were at peace with each other, girl let me tell you.... my daughter is 11, my son 9, my son 5 .....i didn't feel sexy for 6 years, from when i got preg the first time until my second son was 4  then.....,I FELT SEXY!!!!  Then I got pregnant again, all the same fat feelings came back! it's okay... another 2 years went by, i gained 90 lbs with my 3rd child.... i was fat.....when everyone was making smart ass fat jokes and thinking they were doing me some 'negative'' justice........i am a mom of 3 and i am a wonderful mom, the best, so screw them....because i when i was ready,  girl..... you'll be able to love you because of your accomplishments with all you've done and losing all that weight when you're ready! Now....yah I'm fat again, but I know that my hubby isn't going to get better then me because I am the total package and i will be average (thinnish) again .... and he better watch out!!!!! 

  

I do the same things you do, my husband isn't allowed in the bathroom either, but when I'm groomed, smooth and silky, and smelling pretty, I put on something I know I look good in.... it comes right off and that's when I know ...... I'm his pretty, sexy girl!!!  
 
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flitrflies
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October 25, 2005, 12:08 pm PDT

Kegel

Quote From: aurelia

that is so far out of line, i can't even think of a word to describe it. the fact that he thinks you need to do more kegel excercises is not even the most disturbing part to me. it bothers me that this was discussed with your friend. why were he and she together without you (discussing your personal business?) how would he feel if you were to talk with his friends about his private parts?

she's more his friend. they have been friends for years. he goes into her work for lunch and i guess they chat. i wouldn't do that. i know how he would react. 

  

thanks for your support!!! 
 
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nataliea86
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October 28, 2005, 9:48 pm PDT

I am SHOCKED

Quote From: flitrflies

Perhaps I shouldn't be posting when I'm HURT... 

  

Straight to the point. My husband, of 3 years and a 10 month old baby :o), comes home, late, last night and tells me I should do those vagina exercises. Where in the heck does that come from?  

  

Apparently, he was discussing (and how my vagina comes about in a conversation ??????) this with his GAL PAL.  IT'S MY VAGINA. Where does he get off bringing this topic outside of our marriage?  

  

I thought the past few weeks of our relationship were starting to mend after all the emotional and hormonal unbalances I was coping with. We were starting to reconnect with one another. To find out that he thinks my vagina is a gaping hole. Damn. And he couldn't come to me and tell ME, his WIFE.  

  

Am I not a female? I know all about kegel exercises, yes I was doing them after I had our baby. But the 6 weeks I had to wait before I could make love with him.... when we did and I noticed he wasn't enjoying it, I stopped doing those vagina exercises. 

  

I feel violated. Embarrassed. I know this is a normal thing to have happen after pregnancy, she is my fourth baby, why couldn't he find it in his heart to ask me, to tell me another girl. I feel like he cheated on me.  

  

Does she now feel proud? They do have this flirty kinda relationship, and I never said anything about it, nor do I care, but there is no justification to discuss my vagina with her, a buddy okay I wouldn't feel this way I would take it as helpful info....I'm so hurt   

  

The biggest question on my mind is how this conversation came about, did he ask this to make me look bad? 

  

I've told him all this, but he just sees it as being helpful, for his own satisfaction/pleasure, I'm guessing.  

  

Now what happens when I see her? Is she going to be thinking... did she tighten up her situation or is her vagina still flabby? 

  

Oh did he talk about his personal problem with her...No! That might make him look like less of a man. I have never ever told anyone, not even my bestest friend about his problem. I have tried to discuss it with him, but he just ignores the topic, even though, and from the beginning of the relationship, I took notice of it.  

  

I can't believe this.   

 My God, all I have to say is, Where the hell does your husband get off talking about your vagina with another woman??? Girl, you have every right in the world to be incredibly pissed off.

I can't even imagine being ASKED to do kegel excerises! I am a horribly insecure person and being asked that would devistate me... my first reaction would be "Go screw yourself then, if I'm not good enough for YOU".

I'm sorry I'm ranting about this, I hope I am not saying anything to offend you. I am just furious at you husband for doing this to you!

I would take this as a HUGE red flag about his little relationship with his gal pal..... that is just not right to talk about your spouses genitals to a friend of the opposite sex! From what you said, he has his own "problems" down there (not too sure what they are), but  you don't make that public knowledge out of respect for your marriage!  In my opinion, he has disrespected you and your marriage, and you have every right in the world to ROAR. I know I would.

He must have some reason for doing this, and I really don't think it was to intentionally hurt you... but what could be the reason? I'm sorry, but some men (and women for that matter) do STUPID THINGS for STUPID REASONS. You need to tell him exactly how this makes you feel (if you haven't already).

Did you talk to him about it? What did you say to him when he walks in late at night and tells you that?

I am so sorry that you are so upset. You are a woman, a strong woman, and you don't have to take that bullsh*t!

Best Wishes,
Nat
 
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willy07
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October 30, 2005, 2:15 pm PST

Who do they think they are???

Quote From: flitrflies

Perhaps I shouldn't be posting when I'm HURT... 

  

Straight to the point. My husband, of 3 years and a 10 month old baby :o), comes home, late, last night and tells me I should do those vagina exercises. Where in the heck does that come from?  

  

Apparently, he was discussing (and how my vagina comes about in a conversation ??????) this with his GAL PAL.  IT'S MY VAGINA. Where does he get off bringing this topic outside of our marriage?  

  

I thought the past few weeks of our relationship were starting to mend after all the emotional and hormonal unbalances I was coping with. We were starting to reconnect with one another. To find out that he thinks my vagina is a gaping hole. Damn. And he couldn't come to me and tell ME, his WIFE.  

  

Am I not a female? I know all about kegel exercises, yes I was doing them after I had our baby. But the 6 weeks I had to wait before I could make love with him.... when we did and I noticed he wasn't enjoying it, I stopped doing those vagina exercises. 

  

I feel violated. Embarrassed. I know this is a normal thing to have happen after pregnancy, she is my fourth baby, why couldn't he find it in his heart to ask me, to tell me another girl. I feel like he cheated on me.  

  

Does she now feel proud? They do have this flirty kinda relationship, and I never said anything about it, nor do I care, but there is no justification to discuss my vagina with her, a buddy okay I wouldn't feel this way I would take it as helpful info....I'm so hurt   

  

The biggest question on my mind is how this conversation came about, did he ask this to make me look bad? 

  

I've told him all this, but he just sees it as being helpful, for his own satisfaction/pleasure, I'm guessing.  

  

Now what happens when I see her? Is she going to be thinking... did she tighten up her situation or is her vagina still flabby? 

  

Oh did he talk about his personal problem with her...No! That might make him look like less of a man. I have never ever told anyone, not even my bestest friend about his problem. I have tried to discuss it with him, but he just ignores the topic, even though, and from the beginning of the relationship, I took notice of it.  

  

I can't believe this.   

My husband told me once when I asked him to do a certain sexual position that "he didn't like doing that........it was like a entering "black void"!!  Well, didn't that make me feel special?  It didn't matter that for me that was the position where I had the most feeling.........it's always about him.  When he wants it, how he wants it, etc. etc.  I am almost 10 years older than he is and I try very hard to always look great, wear attractive clothing, keep my hair cut and coloured, etc. etc.  And, do you know what he does??  He strikes up conversations and relationships with other women, arranges meetings for tea at the local donut shop - which I might add, I interrupted and told him that if he wanted to continue acting this way, he could do it as an unmarried man!!  He had a "breakdown" a week later complete with tears and some semblance of remorse, and told me that he would rather work on what was wrong with our relationship than throw it all away.  Three weeks later I found out that he is still calling and emailing the other woman, even as we were attending counselling!!  How is that supposed to work?  Right now, I am so angry at him, but the "poor baby" is sick with pneumonia and I don't have the heart to tell him that I called the other woman and she said that it was him calling her and not her calling him like he told me!!  We have our next meeting with the psychologist on Tuesday night - think I will let him know then that he is a liar! 
 
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nataliea86
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October 30, 2005, 3:42 pm PST

I'm sorry

Quote From: willy07

My husband told me once when I asked him to do a certain sexual position that "he didn't like doing that........it was like a entering "black void"!!  Well, didn't that make me feel special?  It didn't matter that for me that was the position where I had the most feeling.........it's always about him.  When he wants it, how he wants it, etc. etc.  I am almost 10 years older than he is and I try very hard to always look great, wear attractive clothing, keep my hair cut and coloured, etc. etc.  And, do you know what he does??  He strikes up conversations and relationships with other women, arranges meetings for tea at the local donut shop - which I might add, I interrupted and told him that if he wanted to continue acting this way, he could do it as an unmarried man!!  He had a "breakdown" a week later complete with tears and some semblance of remorse, and told me that he would rather work on what was wrong with our relationship than throw it all away.  Three weeks later I found out that he is still calling and emailing the other woman, even as we were attending counselling!!  How is that supposed to work?  Right now, I am so angry at him, but the "poor baby" is sick with pneumonia and I don't have the heart to tell him that I called the other woman and she said that it was him calling her and not her calling him like he told me!!  We have our next meeting with the psychologist on Tuesday night - think I will let him know then that he is a liar! 
 I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. It breaks my heart to read what you are going through.

You said that you are angry with him, well you have every right in the world to be. So, is he persuing a sexual relationship with this other woman, or is it more of an emotion thing? I would say that your counselling session would be a good place to talk to him about this other woman, and the fact that you talked to her. It's good to have a "mediater" I suppose.

You are very strong for dealing with this... I don't know how I would be able to do it. Let me know how everything is going. There's always a shoulder to cry on just around the corner

Best Wishes,
Natalie
 
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November 1, 2005, 4:27 pm PST

Life after baby

Our child is now a year and a half, and even though my husband says that I look great, I fee llike crap.  I can dress up or do my makeup, but I still feel like I can't do anything to feel good about myself.  During my pregnancy I only gained seven pounds, and my child weighed 8 lbs, 8 ozs; so I definately lost all of the weight.  I think that I look okay, but I am not as muscular as I used to be.  Because I work part time and go to school full time, the last thing that I want to do is workout.  My husband says that I look great and that he is not worried about me lookingbad, but my self confidence is out the window.  What can I do to feel better about myself??? 
 
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ashleydawn
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November 10, 2005, 9:30 am PST

Feeling a littel lost about my relashionship

Hello everyone. This is my first time on the Dr.Phil website besides ordering a few of his books. I have been with my fiance for 2 years now. Since about 6 months into the relashionship we have come across a sex issue. He simply is never in the mood. We have sex about once a month. I am constantly asking him why he never wants it! I finally was able to pry the truth out of him and he said" I would find you more attractive if you lost 30 pounds" I really don't know what to think because i made him tell me the truth so i don't feel i have the right to be mad. But at the same time i feel that he should love me know matter what.  

I know that i do have a few pounds to lose, and i am really hardon myself alot. I am constantly saying that i am fat.  

Is it possible that my low self esteem is wearing on him or is there something else going on here? Please help me. I really need to hear someone elses point of view on this. 
 
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s7e7v7e7n7
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November 10, 2005, 1:53 pm PST

Hey Girlly...

Quote From: blush_

this is so unatural but its true. 

  

ok im 14, grade nine 5' exactly and one other thing. 

  

im 80 pounds. 

  

Its sounds gross, but i dont have a eating disorder and i dot have any bones sticking out of my body. Im picky eater. but i eat alot. especialy fatty foods 

  

i dont know whats wrong with me. 

  

You see all these people on dr phil with there weight problems. 

  

Does weight problems only mean you need to lose weight? 

  

like i wish i could gain weight, i try. i eat alot. 

  

YET! 

  

im so skinny. 

  

I think as long as you are healthy you are fine... when it comes to weight people can be unhealthy and overweight and unhealthy and underweight... i think both sides of the spectrum have their own difficulties... if you go to a doctor i would suggest maybe asking her/him if he feels you are unhealthy because of it... and if youre not unhealthy think about all the people in the world that would love to look like you... it isnt about being fat or skinny... it is about being healthy... please look at it that way... and try to be happy with who you are on the inside cause that truly is what counts... 

  

s7e7v7e7n7 
 
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s7e7v7e7n7
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November 10, 2005, 3:05 pm PST

Confidence

Quote From: mikao2603

For me, this is a really hot item. I know that I avoid relationships because of the way I look (I'm wheelchair bound and had several surgeries). When I see a woman I like, I don't dare to approach her, just because of this. This is especially the case when the woman is very good looking. I guess I feel intimidated then, and back off immediately.

 

Jo

i think you need to do a little soul searching... i think that because of your disability you have led yourself to believe that you have nothing going for you at all... which i am positive is not true... look, you started off by coming here to get some answers or advice from people who are also struggling with different aspects of life... and we are here to help...  

  

I think you are someone who could definitely offer a whole lot to someone if you let yourself get past the thoughts you have about being disabled... just because you are in a wheelchair doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you... it doesnt mean you are unable to love or care for someone... it doesnt mean your heart is any smaller or that you cant love anyone ... my brother has lived his whole life in a wheelchair and he has struggled with these feelings of insecurity and doubt about how anyone will ever care for him... or how he can care for someone else... he is actually getting married to a wonderful girl, whom i do like a lot... and they are happy together... it was about confidence... he finally woke up one day and told himself that he wasnt going to feel sorry for himself anymore and he carried himself differently... he held his head high and people around him could see that he was a young, confident, able and capable person just like anyone else... wheels or no wheels he is just like me... he is a person who laughs and cries and loves children and knows that life isnt about how tall you are...  

  

I understand that when you initially meet people sometimes they look at you weird or like you have a problem but they are usually the close minded people who are worth your time anyway... 

  

In order to love, sometimes you need to be hurt... and as long as you are open, even if it hurts sometimes, you are open to good things as well... i think that some of your problems stem from your body image but it is your self image that reflects this behavior of never thinking you will be good enough... you would be surprised about some of us women out here... looks are not everything and sometimes we just need a loving, compassionate, caring and honest man in our lives... so long as he can offer love and understanding i dont think it matters whether he is walking beside us, or rolling beside us.. we just wanna be loved too.... 

  

Give it a shot, open up, you never know what might be around the corner... 

  

s7e7v7e7n7 

  
 
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chrysinmo
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November 16, 2005, 1:22 pm PST

Men need to get a clue!

Quote From: shikama

Oh Gossssh! 

  

I 'm too going through just exactly the same! I have a 3 months old baby boy and my belly is messed up real baaaaaaad because of the Csection I had and the stretsh marks .....etc. I gained 60 Ibs in my pregnancy and I was initially about 20 Ibs Overweight...I wasn't looking bad at all before pregnancy in fact I was so pretty as everyone was saying about me.now I look like a huge whale with scarres on the belly and hair allover...go figure what my hubby would feel like now! 

well he says that he loves me and that he understands why I look like that now...blah blah..but whenever we go out and one of those blonde skinny tight jeans pass by him he almost drewls on her and stair as if he didn't see a female before,we don't have sex at all after a lengthy hot relationship for over than 4 years....he makes comments about my weight and I know he hates me being so fat. once I turn my back to him he looks at me with disgust because of all the fat I carry on my back...I'm not stupid ..let him say whatever..I know he hates fat women... 

  

that's the only difference between you and me! you have a loving boyfriend.I have a selfish hubby otherwise everything else is quite the same! 

I'm sorry, but men need to figure it out.   Bottom line, no beating around the bush- I think men "want" their woman to feel sexy and blow them away in the bedroom and walk around with all the confidence in the world.  ALL the while, when they are gawking at other woman, making us feel like we're not good enough or that they would rather us look like something that we're not, or they are consumed with porn (like my fiance') and have this "visual stimuation" going on in their mind 24/7 and when they ARE suppose to be "making love to you", they are really "making love to the images in their own, sick head".  Yeah, that will do it to us every time.  Give me a break!  

  

Men need to step up to the plate and realize that as woman, we aren't going to ravish them in the bedroom when they are doing things to make us feel like we're not enough for them, or that they wish we looked like something else.  It doesn't matter WHAT you may weigh, or how much weight you have gained, if your husband MAKES you FEEL DESIRABLE and WANTED, and most importantly- LOVED INCONDITIONALLY, you are *going* to feel sexy.  It just makes me sick the society that we live in and how men treat woman.  Why is that woman have all this pressure to "be perfect, look perfect and enhance themselves with plastic surgery to live up to a "man's" perception of what the "perfect woman" should look like. I'm not against plastic surgery, but I am against the way society puts pressure on us to LOOK PERFECT. We sure in the heck don't put that kind of pressure on MEN.. we love them for who they are and how they make us feel.  

  

My fiance' is overweight.  He's gained a little over 50lbs since we've been together (8 years) and I love him now, as much as I did then.  The attraction hasn't changed for me, because it's the person on the INSIDE that I love- not the outter portion.  Right now I'm struggling with it all because of al the hurt and lies and betrayal he has put me through, so I'm questioning even who he IS in this point of my life, but my love or my desire for him hasn't changed due to his weight gain- but to how he has treated me as a person. 

  

Woman, keep your heads high and don't allow your husband's for a second to make you feel bad about yourself.  You *just* had a baby and it takes time to get back into shape.  I, too, had a c-section with my 3rd baby and it seemed like it was taking forever for the swelling in my belly and my scar to fade-- but once it did, you can barely tell now.  The scar is so faint, and unless you eat a lot of high, carby/sugary foods- you CAN look better than what you did BEFORE the pregancy.  It takes time and a lot of hard work (some more than others). But it CAN and WILL happen. It's hard to focus on taking care of yourself and improving your self image while taking care of a baby-- but the best thing I did after being pregnant for 3 years straight (my "babies" are 2, 3, and 4- each are only 11 months apart from one another)---  I joined the gym and was absoutely amazed at the transformation.  IT CAN HAPPEN..... 

  

The best advice I can give is to have patience, work at it.. even if it's a little excersize here and there, but most importantly, don't do it for your  husbands because of how they make you feel--- DO IT FOR YOURSELF. 

  

Hang in there..... 

  

  
 
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