Topic : Body Image & Sex Appeal

Our child is now a year and a half, and even though my husband says that I look great, I fee llike crap.  I can dress up or do my makeup, but I still feel like I can't do anything to feel good about myself.  During my pregnancy I only gained seven pounds, and my child weighed 8 lbs, 8 ozs; so I definately lost all of the weight.  I think that I look okay, but I am not as muscular as I used to be.  Because I work part time and go to school full time, the last thing that I want to do is workout.  My husband says that I look great and that he is not worried about me lookingbad, but my self confidence is out the window.  What can I do to feel better about myself??? 

Hello everyone. This is my first time on the Dr.Phil website besides ordering a few of his books. I have been with my fiance for 2 years now. Since about 6 months into the relashionship we have come across a sex issue. He simply is never in the mood. We have sex about once a month. I am constantly asking him why he never wants it! I finally was able to pry the truth out of him and he said" I would find you more attractive if you lost 30 pounds" I really don't know what to think because i made him tell me the truth so i don't feel i have the right to be mad. But at the same time i feel that he should love me know matter what.  

I know that i do have a few pounds to lose, and i am really hardon myself alot. I am constantly saying that i am fat.  

Is it possible that my low self esteem is wearing on him or is there something else going on here? Please help me. I really need to hear someone elses point of view on this. 

I think as long as you are healthy you are fine... when it comes to weight people can be unhealthy and overweight and unhealthy and underweight... i think both sides of the spectrum have their own difficulties... if you go to a doctor i would suggest maybe asking her/him if he feels you are unhealthy because of it... and if youre not unhealthy think about all the people in the world that would love to look like you... it isnt about being fat or skinny... it is about being healthy... please look at it that way... and try to be happy with who you are on the inside cause that truly is what counts... 

s7e7v7e7n7 

i think you need to do a little soul searching... i think that because of your disability you have led yourself to believe that you have nothing going for you at all... which i am positive is not true... look, you started off by coming here to get some answers or advice from people who are also struggling with different aspects of life... and we are here to help...  

I think you are someone who could definitely offer a whole lot to someone if you let yourself get past the thoughts you have about being disabled... just because you are in a wheelchair doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you... it doesnt mean you are unable to love or care for someone... it doesnt mean your heart is any smaller or that you cant love anyone ... my brother has lived his whole life in a wheelchair and he has struggled with these feelings of insecurity and doubt about how anyone will ever care for him... or how he can care for someone else... he is actually getting married to a wonderful girl, whom i do like a lot... and they are happy together... it was about confidence... he finally woke up one day and told himself that he wasnt going to feel sorry for himself anymore and he carried himself differently... he held his head high and people around him could see that he was a young, confident, able and capable person just like anyone else... wheels or no wheels he is just like me... he is a person who laughs and cries and loves children and knows that life isnt about how tall you are...  

I understand that when you initially meet people sometimes they look at you weird or like you have a problem but they are usually the close minded people who are worth your time anyway... 

In order to love, sometimes you need to be hurt... and as long as you are open, even if it hurts sometimes, you are open to good things as well... i think that some of your problems stem from your body image but it is your self image that reflects this behavior of never thinking you will be good enough... you would be surprised about some of us women out here... looks are not everything and sometimes we just need a loving, compassionate, caring and honest man in our lives... so long as he can offer love and understanding i dont think it matters whether he is walking beside us, or rolling beside us.. we just wanna be loved too.... 

Give it a shot, open up, you never know what might be around the corner... 

s7e7v7e7n7 

I'm sorry, but men need to figure it out.   Bottom line, no beating around the bush- I think men "want" their woman to feel sexy and blow them away in the bedroom and walk around with all the confidence in the world.  ALL the while, when they are gawking at other woman, making us feel like we're not good enough or that they would rather us look like something that we're not, or they are consumed with porn (like my fiance') and have this "visual stimuation" going on in their mind 24/7 and when they ARE suppose to be "making love to you", they are really "making love to the images in their own, sick head".  Yeah, that will do it to us every time.  Give me a break!  

Men need to step up to the plate and realize that as woman, we aren't going to ravish them in the bedroom when they are doing things to make us feel like we're not enough for them, or that they wish we looked like something else.  It doesn't matter WHAT you may weigh, or how much weight you have gained, if your husband MAKES you FEEL DESIRABLE and WANTED, and most importantly- LOVED INCONDITIONALLY, you are *going* to feel sexy.  It just makes me sick the society that we live in and how men treat woman.  Why is that woman have all this pressure to "be perfect, look perfect and enhance themselves with plastic surgery to live up to a "man's" perception of what the "perfect woman" should look like. I'm not against plastic surgery, but I am against the way society puts pressure on us to LOOK PERFECT. We sure in the heck don't put that kind of pressure on MEN.. we love them for who they are and how they make us feel.  

My fiance' is overweight.  He's gained a little over 50lbs since we've been together (8 years) and I love him now, as much as I did then.  The attraction hasn't changed for me, because it's the person on the INSIDE that I love- not the outter portion.  Right now I'm struggling with it all because of al the hurt and lies and betrayal he has put me through, so I'm questioning even who he IS in this point of my life, but my love or my desire for him hasn't changed due to his weight gain- but to how he has treated me as a person. 

Woman, keep your heads high and don't allow your husband's for a second to make you feel bad about yourself.  You *just* had a baby and it takes time to get back into shape.  I, too, had a c-section with my 3rd baby and it seemed like it was taking forever for the swelling in my belly and my scar to fade-- but once it did, you can barely tell now.  The scar is so faint, and unless you eat a lot of high, carby/sugary foods- you CAN look better than what you did BEFORE the pregancy.  It takes time and a lot of hard work (some more than others). But it CAN and WILL happen. It's hard to focus on taking care of yourself and improving your self image while taking care of a baby-- but the best thing I did after being pregnant for 3 years straight (my "babies" are 2, 3, and 4- each are only 11 months apart from one another)---  I joined the gym and was absoutely amazed at the transformation.  IT CAN HAPPEN..... 

The best advice I can give is to have patience, work at it.. even if it's a little excersize here and there, but most importantly, don't do it for your  husbands because of how they make you feel--- DO IT FOR YOURSELF. 

Hang in there..... 

So you gained a little weight, why should it impact him NOT to find  you desirable anymore? Are you not the same person that he fell in love with? Unless your personality has completley turned in the opposite direction, who the hell does he think he is?  

Why is it that if woman gain weight, oh- it's horrible.  But I'm sorry, you see overweight men with these such high expectations of their partners, yet we are suppose to love them, faults and all.  WEIGHT comes off.  It's not something that should disconnect you from one another and I'm sorry, but if you're fiance' is that shallow and is withdrawing from you due to a little weight gain-- he's def. not someone I would trust myself with.  Who's do know that if you guys get married and you have children (if you don't already)- that if you gain weight then..  how do you know he's going to be standing by you, thick or thin (no pun intended there).  Seriously, .... since when is making love based on WEIGHT? ....  Can you not put on a sexy nighty, fill the room with candles, and seduce him the same way now as you did before you gained the weight? Of course you can..... you can STILL be a sexy woman after gaining weight and the fact that he thinks you're not is HIS LOSE!!!! 

When you don't feel secure in your own skin, it does, in my opinion, weigh on a relationship.  I'm at the lowest point in my life right now due to my faince's porn addiction, and I'm sure he's sick of me "feeling sorry for myself" and "compareing myself to his PORN woman and the woman he stares at on the street).  The flip side to my situation is that with ANY OTHER MAN OUT THERE..  I know that I would feel sexy and could let my gaurd down and seduce them like there is no tommorow.  Not that I *would* mind you, but men give me so much attention and I love it.  The problem with my self esteem isn't how I think other people view me, it's how my own fiance' who I've been with for 8 years views me and how he needs to fantize about other woman in order to make love to me.   We've had almost a non-existent sex life in the last year---  we have went from 5+ times a week, to (maybe) once every 1.5-2wk, and that's simply because we both feel the urge.  I'm so disconnected from him, that I'm simply doing it for the foreplay itself because once we engage in sex- my emtions take over and all I do is think about which one of those images he's thinking about right then.  He doesn't have sex with me becase of me, it's becasue he's so worked up about the images in his head, he just needs "my" body to play out the fantisy.  I refuse to let him see me naked now-- he's made me feel like I'm not good enough or he would have never do the things that he has done.  I have completley closed myself up to him sexually.  he doesn't deserve my body, or any sexual attention to me.  He had me anytime he ever wanted me and he knew that.  But yet he still choose to do the things that he did and now, it's his lost.  I'm  not "with holding" sex from him- I just don't enjoy it now and I have to many emotions that make their mark so sex to me isn't enjoyable for me anymore.   

Ok, sorry to get off on a tangit about myself.  I'm just really hurt right now and I don't have a sounding board to get it off my chest.  i NEED to find a theorpist to talk to, but after looking in the phone book and online- no one seems to "fit" what I'm looking for as far as the problems that I'm facing.  

Bottom line:  If you aren't happy with your body right now, I would try to make a change. Have you ever done the low carb thing? It's a great way to lose weight fast- but it's not something that I would reccommend long term.  Eating healthy (smaller portions, more often) and EXERCISE will show you amazing results.   

hang in there-- and I would think twice about spending the rest of my life with this person if he's this shallow about your outter appearance after only 2 years.  What happens when you're 15 years into this relationship--  ....... just some food for thought.  

  I wonder what he would feel if you were to say "i talked to this nice guy at the bank today, he said you should try viagra!"  you really wonder why men will discuss our private issues with a woman other than you? that is not a subject i would feel comfortable taking to another person of the opposite sex about .why ..to be blunt usually the sex talk leads to more than advice ,i cannot be absolute because im not in your shoes,  but in my case ... it was the first sign that she is getting to friendly  and wanted more