Quote From: justme504I am eighteen, and I have been dating my first and only boyfriend for three years. We waited two years to have sex since it was both our first time, until after we graduated. I thought the time would help but it hasn't.
Here are the problems:
1. I used to feel way more sexual before we had sex.
2. I used to weigh 115lbs in the beginning of our relationships and now I weigh 135lbs.
3. When we have sex I just feel like crying, sometimes out of pain (even though we have been active for eight months now it still hurts me) and sometimes because it just makes me feel dirty.
4. I don't enjoy anything sexual anymore. Not even kissing.
5. I am disgusted with myself, and I feel repulsive, I am so scared that he will leave me, or is depriving himself of something because I am so bland.
6. And this is probably the worst of all - I fantasize about other men. Not in the innocent "wouldn't it be nice" Brad Pitt fantasy...no, I think about accessible men. Friends of ours even, and I find myself enjoying their company more than I do his....I would never, ever, cheat on him. I'm just scared, scared that we will break up, scared that we will stay together forever.
I feel like the worst person in the world.
1. this can happen, you have waited for long so you build up a picture in your head of how it would be with him. when that didn't happen the way you liked you found him less attractive. There is also the possibility that you and he are sexually not a match so he does not do the things you like. Do you know what you like? maybe you can guide him towards what you like more.
2. it is normal to gain wait during a relationship but if you want to you could take up sports and start eating healthy. Do not go on a diet, this will only make you gain weight!
3. Well their are a lot of options as to why it hurts, please see a sexologist for that.
4. that probably has to do with the guilt you feel, talking with a sexologist could help you with that.
5. This to needs the attention of a professional sexologist.
6. Perfectly normal, nobody *just* thinks about their partner, never have and never will. The grass is always greener on the other side and besides it keeps you healthy to fantasize every now and again. Playing out your fantasy (and his too) might even make the sex more exciting. but only if the both of you like the idea.
In short I think you should speak about your problems with a professional. Preferably with a sexologist. these questions can't be answered on a board alone.
