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Topic : Body Image & Sex Appeal

Number of Replies: 501
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:17:04 pm
Author : dataimport
How you feel about your own body translates into how sexy you feel and how your partner perceives you. What do you do to feel sexy?

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November 1, 2005, 4:27 pm CST

Life after baby

Our child is now a year and a half, and even though my husband says that I look great, I fee llike crap.  I can dress up or do my makeup, but I still feel like I can't do anything to feel good about myself.  During my pregnancy I only gained seven pounds, and my child weighed 8 lbs, 8 ozs; so I definately lost all of the weight.  I think that I look okay, but I am not as muscular as I used to be.  Because I work part time and go to school full time, the last thing that I want to do is workout.  My husband says that I look great and that he is not worried about me lookingbad, but my self confidence is out the window.  What can I do to feel better about myself??? 

 
November 10, 2005, 9:30 am CST

Feeling a littel lost about my relashionship

Hello everyone. This is my first time on the Dr.Phil website besides ordering a few of his books. I have been with my fiance for 2 years now. Since about 6 months into the relashionship we have come across a sex issue. He simply is never in the mood. We have sex about once a month. I am constantly asking him why he never wants it! I finally was able to pry the truth out of him and he said" I would find you more attractive if you lost 30 pounds" I really don't know what to think because i made him tell me the truth so i don't feel i have the right to be mad. But at the same time i feel that he should love me know matter what.  

I know that i do have a few pounds to lose, and i am really hardon myself alot. I am constantly saying that i am fat.  

Is it possible that my low self esteem is wearing on him or is there something else going on here? Please help me. I really need to hear someone elses point of view on this. 

 
November 10, 2005, 1:53 pm CST

Hey Girlly...

Quote From: blush_

this is so unatural but its true. 

  

ok im 14, grade nine 5' exactly and one other thing. 

  

im 80 pounds. 

  

Its sounds gross, but i dont have a eating disorder and i dot have any bones sticking out of my body. Im picky eater. but i eat alot. especialy fatty foods 

  

i dont know whats wrong with me. 

  

You see all these people on dr phil with there weight problems. 

  

Does weight problems only mean you need to lose weight? 

  

like i wish i could gain weight, i try. i eat alot. 

  

YET! 

  

im so skinny. 

  

I think as long as you are healthy you are fine... when it comes to weight people can be unhealthy and overweight and unhealthy and underweight... i think both sides of the spectrum have their own difficulties... if you go to a doctor i would suggest maybe asking her/him if he feels you are unhealthy because of it... and if youre not unhealthy think about all the people in the world that would love to look like you... it isnt about being fat or skinny... it is about being healthy... please look at it that way... and try to be happy with who you are on the inside cause that truly is what counts... 

  

s7e7v7e7n7 

 
November 16, 2005, 1:22 pm CST

Men need to get a clue!

Quote From: shikama

Oh Gossssh! 

  

I 'm too going through just exactly the same! I have a 3 months old baby boy and my belly is messed up real baaaaaaad because of the Csection I had and the stretsh marks .....etc. I gained 60 Ibs in my pregnancy and I was initially about 20 Ibs Overweight...I wasn't looking bad at all before pregnancy in fact I was so pretty as everyone was saying about me.now I look like a huge whale with scarres on the belly and hair allover...go figure what my hubby would feel like now! 

well he says that he loves me and that he understands why I look like that now...blah blah..but whenever we go out and one of those blonde skinny tight jeans pass by him he almost drewls on her and stair as if he didn't see a female before,we don't have sex at all after a lengthy hot relationship for over than 4 years....he makes comments about my weight and I know he hates me being so fat. once I turn my back to him he looks at me with disgust because of all the fat I carry on my back...I'm not stupid ..let him say whatever..I know he hates fat women... 

  

that's the only difference between you and me! you have a loving boyfriend.I have a selfish hubby otherwise everything else is quite the same! 

I'm sorry, but men need to figure it out.   Bottom line, no beating around the bush- I think men "want" their woman to feel sexy and blow them away in the bedroom and walk around with all the confidence in the world.  ALL the while, when they are gawking at other woman, making us feel like we're not good enough or that they would rather us look like something that we're not, or they are consumed with porn (like my fiance') and have this "visual stimuation" going on in their mind 24/7 and when they ARE suppose to be "making love to you", they are really "making love to the images in their own, sick head".  Yeah, that will do it to us every time.  Give me a break!  

  

Men need to step up to the plate and realize that as woman, we aren't going to ravish them in the bedroom when they are doing things to make us feel like we're not enough for them, or that they wish we looked like something else.  It doesn't matter WHAT you may weigh, or how much weight you have gained, if your husband MAKES you FEEL DESIRABLE and WANTED, and most importantly- LOVED INCONDITIONALLY, you are *going* to feel sexy.  It just makes me sick the society that we live in and how men treat woman.  Why is that woman have all this pressure to "be perfect, look perfect and enhance themselves with plastic surgery to live up to a "man's" perception of what the "perfect woman" should look like. I'm not against plastic surgery, but I am against the way society puts pressure on us to LOOK PERFECT. We sure in the heck don't put that kind of pressure on MEN.. we love them for who they are and how they make us feel.  

  

My fiance' is overweight.  He's gained a little over 50lbs since we've been together (8 years) and I love him now, as much as I did then.  The attraction hasn't changed for me, because it's the person on the INSIDE that I love- not the outter portion.  Right now I'm struggling with it all because of al the hurt and lies and betrayal he has put me through, so I'm questioning even who he IS in this point of my life, but my love or my desire for him hasn't changed due to his weight gain- but to how he has treated me as a person. 

  

Woman, keep your heads high and don't allow your husband's for a second to make you feel bad about yourself.  You *just* had a baby and it takes time to get back into shape.  I, too, had a c-section with my 3rd baby and it seemed like it was taking forever for the swelling in my belly and my scar to fade-- but once it did, you can barely tell now.  The scar is so faint, and unless you eat a lot of high, carby/sugary foods- you CAN look better than what you did BEFORE the pregancy.  It takes time and a lot of hard work (some more than others). But it CAN and WILL happen. It's hard to focus on taking care of yourself and improving your self image while taking care of a baby-- but the best thing I did after being pregnant for 3 years straight (my "babies" are 2, 3, and 4- each are only 11 months apart from one another)---  I joined the gym and was absoutely amazed at the transformation.  IT CAN HAPPEN..... 

  

The best advice I can give is to have patience, work at it.. even if it's a little excersize here and there, but most importantly, don't do it for your  husbands because of how they make you feel--- DO IT FOR YOURSELF. 

  

Hang in there..... 

  

  

 
November 16, 2005, 1:40 pm CST

He should love you unconditionally-

Quote From: ashleydawn

Hello everyone. This is my first time on the Dr.Phil website besides ordering a few of his books. I have been with my fiance for 2 years now. Since about 6 months into the relashionship we have come across a sex issue. He simply is never in the mood. We have sex about once a month. I am constantly asking him why he never wants it! I finally was able to pry the truth out of him and he said" I would find you more attractive if you lost 30 pounds" I really don't know what to think because i made him tell me the truth so i don't feel i have the right to be mad. But at the same time i feel that he should love me know matter what.  

I know that i do have a few pounds to lose, and i am really hardon myself alot. I am constantly saying that i am fat.  

Is it possible that my low self esteem is wearing on him or is there something else going on here? Please help me. I really need to hear someone elses point of view on this. 

So you gained a little weight, why should it impact him NOT to find  you desirable anymore? Are you not the same person that he fell in love with? Unless your personality has completley turned in the opposite direction, who the hell does he think he is?  

  

Why is it that if woman gain weight, oh- it's horrible.  But I'm sorry, you see overweight men with these such high expectations of their partners, yet we are suppose to love them, faults and all.  WEIGHT comes off.  It's not something that should disconnect you from one another and I'm sorry, but if you're fiance' is that shallow and is withdrawing from you due to a little weight gain-- he's def. not someone I would trust myself with.  Who's do know that if you guys get married and you have children (if you don't already)- that if you gain weight then..  how do you know he's going to be standing by you, thick or thin (no pun intended there).  Seriously, .... since when is making love based on WEIGHT? ....  Can you not put on a sexy nighty, fill the room with candles, and seduce him the same way now as you did before you gained the weight? Of course you can..... you can STILL be a sexy woman after gaining weight and the fact that he thinks you're not is HIS LOSE!!!! 

  

When you don't feel secure in your own skin, it does, in my opinion, weigh on a relationship.  I'm at the lowest point in my life right now due to my faince's porn addiction, and I'm sure he's sick of me "feeling sorry for myself" and "compareing myself to his PORN woman and the woman he stares at on the street).  The flip side to my situation is that with ANY OTHER MAN OUT THERE..  I know that I would feel sexy and could let my gaurd down and seduce them like there is no tommorow.  Not that I *would* mind you, but men give me so much attention and I love it.  The problem with my self esteem isn't how I think other people view me, it's how my own fiance' who I've been with for 8 years views me and how he needs to fantize about other woman in order to make love to me.   We've had almost a non-existent sex life in the last year---  we have went from 5+ times a week, to (maybe) once every 1.5-2wk, and that's simply because we both feel the urge.  I'm so disconnected from him, that I'm simply doing it for the foreplay itself because once we engage in sex- my emtions take over and all I do is think about which one of those images he's thinking about right then.  He doesn't have sex with me becase of me, it's becasue he's so worked up about the images in his head, he just needs "my" body to play out the fantisy.  I refuse to let him see me naked now-- he's made me feel like I'm not good enough or he would have never do the things that he has done.  I have completley closed myself up to him sexually.  he doesn't deserve my body, or any sexual attention to me.  He had me anytime he ever wanted me and he knew that.  But yet he still choose to do the things that he did and now, it's his lost.  I'm  not "with holding" sex from him- I just don't enjoy it now and I have to many emotions that make their mark so sex to me isn't enjoyable for me anymore.   

  

Ok, sorry to get off on a tangit about myself.  I'm just really hurt right now and I don't have a sounding board to get it off my chest.  i NEED to find a theorpist to talk to, but after looking in the phone book and online- no one seems to "fit" what I'm looking for as far as the problems that I'm facing.  

  

Bottom line:  If you aren't happy with your body right now, I would try to make a change. Have you ever done the low carb thing? It's a great way to lose weight fast- but it's not something that I would reccommend long term.  Eating healthy (smaller portions, more often) and EXERCISE will show you amazing results.   

  

hang in there-- and I would think twice about spending the rest of my life with this person if he's this shallow about your outter appearance after only 2 years.  What happens when you're 15 years into this relationship--  ....... just some food for thought.  

 
November 19, 2005, 12:48 pm CST

Body Image & Sex Appeal

Quote From: flitrflies

Perhaps I shouldn't be posting when I'm HURT... 

  

Straight to the point. My husband, of 3 years and a 10 month old baby :o), comes home, late, last night and tells me I should do those vagina exercises. Where in the heck does that come from?  

  

Apparently, he was discussing (and how my vagina comes about in a conversation ??????) this with his GAL PAL.  IT'S MY VAGINA. Where does he get off bringing this topic outside of our marriage?  

  

I thought the past few weeks of our relationship were starting to mend after all the emotional and hormonal unbalances I was coping with. We were starting to reconnect with one another. To find out that he thinks my vagina is a gaping hole. Damn. And he couldn't come to me and tell ME, his WIFE.  

  

Am I not a female? I know all about kegel exercises, yes I was doing them after I had our baby. But the 6 weeks I had to wait before I could make love with him.... when we did and I noticed he wasn't enjoying it, I stopped doing those vagina exercises. 

  

I feel violated. Embarrassed. I know this is a normal thing to have happen after pregnancy, she is my fourth baby, why couldn't he find it in his heart to ask me, to tell me another girl. I feel like he cheated on me.  

  

Does she now feel proud? They do have this flirty kinda relationship, and I never said anything about it, nor do I care, but there is no justification to discuss my vagina with her, a buddy okay I wouldn't feel this way I would take it as helpful info....I'm so hurt   

  

The biggest question on my mind is how this conversation came about, did he ask this to make me look bad? 

  

I've told him all this, but he just sees it as being helpful, for his own satisfaction/pleasure, I'm guessing.  

  

Now what happens when I see her? Is she going to be thinking... did she tighten up her situation or is her vagina still flabby? 

  

Oh did he talk about his personal problem with her...No! That might make him look like less of a man. I have never ever told anyone, not even my bestest friend about his problem. I have tried to discuss it with him, but he just ignores the topic, even though, and from the beginning of the relationship, I took notice of it.  

  

I can't believe this.   

I don't blame you for being hurt and angry!  He had no right to do what he did.  What a cad!
 
November 19, 2005, 11:18 pm CST

Body Image & Sex Appeal

Quote From: pambola

I don't blame you for being hurt and angry!  He had no right to do what he did.  What a cad!

  I wonder what he would feel if you were to say "i talked to this nice guy at the bank today, he said you should try viagra!"  you really wonder why men will discuss our private issues with a woman other than you? that is not a subject i would feel comfortable taking to another person of the opposite sex about .why ..to be blunt usually the sex talk leads to more than advice ,i cannot be absolute because im not in your shoes,  but in my case ... it was the first sign that she is getting to friendly  and wanted more  

 
November 20, 2005, 8:34 pm CST

You'll be fine

Quote From: chrysinmo

I call him my "fiance" simply because we've been together for 8 years and have 3 children together.  During our relationship, we've talked about marriage a dozen times, but I've just never been ready for that next leap.  Maybe it was a blessing in disguise.  I was in a unhealthy marriage before him (very controlling), and I just have never felt the need to validate my love on paper. God is important in my life, and that's one thing that has always made me feel uneasy about it- simply because we have a family together.  

  

If there were not any children involved, no matter how much I love this man, I honestly would have left a long time ago, once I seen the lack of respect he has for me and for what he has done.  It's one thing to hurt a person this deep, but to show lack of compassion is another.  I cry each and every day over this, it absoutely has consumed my every thought.  I can't function like I use to, I would rather stay in bed than to face the day.  I thought about sucucide 2 months ago which really made me step up and realize that this is *not* a healthy relationship for me.  When I sit and cry, beg for him to talk to me to come to some realization how the person that I love could go five years of our relationship, knowing what he was doing behind my back, lieing to my face- and could still look me int he eye each and every day with no regard.  All I ever get is him walking away from me.  Or yelling at me to shut-up, or just this glassed over look in his eyes. He SUCHS at commicating and just keeps his feelings/emotions built up inside of of him.  When he doesnt try to comfort me, or even acknowledge my feelings, it shows me even more the lack of love and respect that he has for me.  

  

Right now, I'm looking more for a theropist for myself, than for us.  If I can find someone who can help me repair that damange that he has caused to me, then there may be hope.  I can't even think about "us" right now, until I can fix myself.  Right now, I don't trust this person with any of my being.  Not my heart, not my feelings, not even my words.  I wonder what he's doing ALL the time when I'm not around and that's not healthy.  I wonder if the damage is so much if we ever will be able to get past this. I love this man, with all of my being, but knowing that he could lie to me each and every day of my life for five years straight and look me in the eye- with no regard to how I would feel-- then that proves to me that obviously he doesn't love me enough to make sacrifices or to put me first.  Children or not, that is not how I want to spend my life.  

  

Thanks for listening, really.  

  

  

Hi darl'n, To quote Dr Phil, Its better to be from a broken home, than in one!!!! Your children will ajust fine if you take of yourself,and give them what they need, which is a happy, healthy, Mom. As you learn to like yourself  you will be less willing to put up with someone who does not treat you the way you deserve to be treated. He will have to support you and his childern. Do not waste time wondering why he treats you this way. He does because he can. That won't happen as you get stronger. You can do it!!!! I did and my four childern all grew up to wonderful people, with love for us both. Good luck. Remember,love yourself, it's the best gift for your kids!!!!
 
November 20, 2005, 8:40 pm CST

Body Image & Sex Appeal

Quote From: pambola

I don't blame you for being hurt and angry!  He had no right to do what he did.  What a cad!
God bless men, they can be so stupid!!! I bet he really thought he was helping. I hope you let him know how you feel. Talk out your hurt. Ofcourse you are hurt, he was tactless to say the least. Please talk this out. Don't blame, talk. Good luck
 
November 24, 2005, 4:34 am CST

Kick him out

Quote From: flitrflies

Perhaps I shouldn't be posting when I'm HURT... 

  

Straight to the point. My husband, of 3 years and a 10 month old baby :o), comes home, late, last night and tells me I should do those vagina exercises. Where in the heck does that come from?  

  

Apparently, he was discussing (and how my vagina comes about in a conversation ??????) this with his GAL PAL.  IT'S MY VAGINA. Where does he get off bringing this topic outside of our marriage?  

  

I thought the past few weeks of our relationship were starting to mend after all the emotional and hormonal unbalances I was coping with. We were starting to reconnect with one another. To find out that he thinks my vagina is a gaping hole. Damn. And he couldn't come to me and tell ME, his WIFE.  

  

Am I not a female? I know all about kegel exercises, yes I was doing them after I had our baby. But the 6 weeks I had to wait before I could make love with him.... when we did and I noticed he wasn't enjoying it, I stopped doing those vagina exercises. 

  

I feel violated. Embarrassed. I know this is a normal thing to have happen after pregnancy, she is my fourth baby, why couldn't he find it in his heart to ask me, to tell me another girl. I feel like he cheated on me.  

  

Does she now feel proud? They do have this flirty kinda relationship, and I never said anything about it, nor do I care, but there is no justification to discuss my vagina with her, a buddy okay I wouldn't feel this way I would take it as helpful info....I'm so hurt   

  

The biggest question on my mind is how this conversation came about, did he ask this to make me look bad? 

  

I've told him all this, but he just sees it as being helpful, for his own satisfaction/pleasure, I'm guessing.  

  

Now what happens when I see her? Is she going to be thinking... did she tighten up her situation or is her vagina still flabby? 

  

Oh did he talk about his personal problem with her...No! That might make him look like less of a man. I have never ever told anyone, not even my bestest friend about his problem. I have tried to discuss it with him, but he just ignores the topic, even though, and from the beginning of the relationship, I took notice of it.  

  

I can't believe this.   

 What kind of jerk are you married to. If he was married to me I would have kicked him so hard that his balls went up to his throat.
Be proud of yourself dont let the moron make you feel bad. Let your kids make you feel good and happy.

A man from Sweden

 
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