Topic : Body Image & Sex Appeal

Hello everyone. This is my first time on the Dr.Phil website besides ordering a few of his books. I have been with my fiance for 2 years now. Since about 6 months into the relashionship we have come across a sex issue. He simply is never in the mood. We have sex about once a month. I am constantly asking him why he never wants it! I finally was able to pry the truth out of him and he said" I would find you more attractive if you lost 30 pounds" I really don't know what to think because i made him tell me the truth so i don't feel i have the right to be mad. But at the same time i feel that he should love me know matter what.  

I know that i do have a few pounds to lose, and i am really hardon myself alot. I am constantly saying that i am fat.  

Is it possible that my low self esteem is wearing on him or is there something else going on here? Please help me. I really need to hear someone elses point of view on this. 

Perhaps I shouldn't be posting when I'm HURT... 

Straight to the point. My husband, of 3 years and a 10 month old baby :o), comes home, late, last night and tells me I should do those vagina exercises. Where in the heck does that come from?  

Apparently, he was discussing (and how my vagina comes about in a conversation ??????) this with his GAL PAL.  IT'S MY VAGINA. Where does he get off bringing this topic outside of our marriage?  

I thought the past few weeks of our relationship were starting to mend after all the emotional and hormonal unbalances I was coping with. We were starting to reconnect with one another. To find out that he thinks my vagina is a gaping hole. Damn. And he couldn't come to me and tell ME, his WIFE.  

Am I not a female? I know all about kegel exercises, yes I was doing them after I had our baby. But the 6 weeks I had to wait before I could make love with him.... when we did and I noticed he wasn't enjoying it, I stopped doing those vagina exercises. 

I feel violated. Embarrassed. I know this is a normal thing to have happen after pregnancy, she is my fourth baby, why couldn't he find it in his heart to ask me, to tell me another girl. I feel like he cheated on me.  

Does she now feel proud? They do have this flirty kinda relationship, and I never said anything about it, nor do I care, but there is no justification to discuss my vagina with her, a buddy okay I wouldn't feel this way I would take it as helpful info....I'm so hurt   

The biggest question on my mind is how this conversation came about, did he ask this to make me look bad? 

I've told him all this, but he just sees it as being helpful, for his own satisfaction/pleasure, I'm guessing.  

Now what happens when I see her? Is she going to be thinking... did she tighten up her situation or is her vagina still flabby? 

Oh did he talk about his personal problem with her...No! That might make him look like less of a man. I have never ever told anyone, not even my bestest friend about his problem. I have tried to discuss it with him, but he just ignores the topic, even though, and from the beginning of the relationship, I took notice of it.  

I can't believe this.   

I call him my "fiance" simply because we've been together for 8 years and have 3 children together.  During our relationship, we've talked about marriage a dozen times, but I've just never been ready for that next leap.  Maybe it was a blessing in disguise.  I was in a unhealthy marriage before him (very controlling), and I just have never felt the need to validate my love on paper. God is important in my life, and that's one thing that has always made me feel uneasy about it- simply because we have a family together.  

If there were not any children involved, no matter how much I love this man, I honestly would have left a long time ago, once I seen the lack of respect he has for me and for what he has done.  It's one thing to hurt a person this deep, but to show lack of compassion is another.  I cry each and every day over this, it absoutely has consumed my every thought.  I can't function like I use to, I would rather stay in bed than to face the day.  I thought about sucucide 2 months ago which really made me step up and realize that this is *not* a healthy relationship for me.  When I sit and cry, beg for him to talk to me to come to some realization how the person that I love could go five years of our relationship, knowing what he was doing behind my back, lieing to my face- and could still look me int he eye each and every day with no regard.  All I ever get is him walking away from me.  Or yelling at me to shut-up, or just this glassed over look in his eyes. He SUCHS at commicating and just keeps his feelings/emotions built up inside of of him.  When he doesnt try to comfort me, or even acknowledge my feelings, it shows me even more the lack of love and respect that he has for me.  

Right now, I'm looking more for a theropist for myself, than for us.  If I can find someone who can help me repair that damange that he has caused to me, then there may be hope.  I can't even think about "us" right now, until I can fix myself.  Right now, I don't trust this person with any of my being.  Not my heart, not my feelings, not even my words.  I wonder what he's doing ALL the time when I'm not around and that's not healthy.  I wonder if the damage is so much if we ever will be able to get past this. I love this man, with all of my being, but knowing that he could lie to me each and every day of my life for five years straight and look me in the eye- with no regard to how I would feel-- then that proves to me that obviously he doesn't love me enough to make sacrifices or to put me first.  Children or not, that is not how I want to spend my life.  

Thanks for listening, really.  

Perhaps I shouldn't be posting when I'm HURT... 

Straight to the point. My husband, of 3 years and a 10 month old baby :o), comes home, late, last night and tells me I should do those vagina exercises. Where in the heck does that come from?  

Apparently, he was discussing (and how my vagina comes about in a conversation ??????) this with his GAL PAL.  IT'S MY VAGINA. Where does he get off bringing this topic outside of our marriage?  

I thought the past few weeks of our relationship were starting to mend after all the emotional and hormonal unbalances I was coping with. We were starting to reconnect with one another. To find out that he thinks my vagina is a gaping hole. Damn. And he couldn't come to me and tell ME, his WIFE.  

Am I not a female? I know all about kegel exercises, yes I was doing them after I had our baby. But the 6 weeks I had to wait before I could make love with him.... when we did and I noticed he wasn't enjoying it, I stopped doing those vagina exercises. 

I feel violated. Embarrassed. I know this is a normal thing to have happen after pregnancy, she is my fourth baby, why couldn't he find it in his heart to ask me, to tell me another girl. I feel like he cheated on me.  

Does she now feel proud? They do have this flirty kinda relationship, and I never said anything about it, nor do I care, but there is no justification to discuss my vagina with her, a buddy okay I wouldn't feel this way I would take it as helpful info....I'm so hurt   

The biggest question on my mind is how this conversation came about, did he ask this to make me look bad? 

I've told him all this, but he just sees it as being helpful, for his own satisfaction/pleasure, I'm guessing.  

Now what happens when I see her? Is she going to be thinking... did she tighten up her situation or is her vagina still flabby? 

Oh did he talk about his personal problem with her...No! That might make him look like less of a man. I have never ever told anyone, not even my bestest friend about his problem. I have tried to discuss it with him, but he just ignores the topic, even though, and from the beginning of the relationship, I took notice of it.  

I can't believe this.