Topic : Body Image & Sex Appeal

You can try a sensible diet if you can. But don't starve yourself or anything like that. Plus having sex once once a week is not much more than having sex every 2 weeks so its seems like your sex drives are not that different. Since you called him your fiance I assume you have been together for a while. And its common even before marriage for a guy's sex drive to diminish even at 25 if he's been with the same woman for a while. They prefer playstation or xbox even watching ESPN over sex with their wife, fiance or girlfriend. But this is just one of many reasons and you have to find his particular reason. It can be the weight, maybe cheating, low or diminished sex drive, bored with the sex, etc.

 I find the majority of these posts very interesting, because I feel exactly the opposite of most women.  I am probably about 40 lbs overweight (although I must say I carry it fairly well, large breasted and all). I can only feel attractive if I am dressed, because I don't look to bad with clothes on, but I don't see why my boyfriend thinks I'm so attractive, but he does.  The funny thing is that the only time I am not worrying about how I look is when we are in bed.  Hey, leave the lights on!  I don't even think about how I look, I'm sure if I did our sex life wouldn't be nearly as incredible as it is.  So ladies, if your man wants the lights on, then it means he likes what he sees!  Get over it and let go!!! I guarantee It will be great!!! 

Maybe this will sound sick to some folks (we live a very kinky life) my husband takes pictures of me-our private "porn".  You know what?  When I started to see me from his erotic perspective, my body image issues melted away like snow in March (sorry but I am constantly putting snow suits and mitts in the dryer these days:)

  

     Hi, My name is Sandra.  I am 42yrs old.  Married this year for 18yrs.  I have had 2 cesarians.  I have soriesses over the majority of my body.  Have had this since the age of 18.  I've just lost alot of weight and now I have this big apron in front.  And my boobs are tickling my toes. 

    My husband see what I see.  I don't feel or think of myself as sexy.  Self esteem, confidence or even thinking that I'm Pretty or Sexy. 

  

    PS.  I probably didn't spell what is wrong with my skin.  Really dry patches of skin.  Not transferable. 

  

Have you talked to him about it?

Not all guys fall into the same stereotype of wanting to do it everynight all night long. My husband has a lower sex drive then me.  Even when we first married and we were both thinner. It's ok with me now, it took me a while to get used to it but we've found a compromise. He tries a bit more to focus on sexuality and romance and I try a bit more to cool it off. We still aren't perfect but we seem to have found a nice compromise.

And your drives aren't all that different. My husband was wanting it once a month and I was wanting it everyday. So don't feel too bad.

If you feel ugly and fat then do something about it hon! You are only 19, use your youth to lose that weight.  If you don't feel sexy then it might be hard for you to be sexy.

Also, some men need foreplay, I know that is a stereotype for women, but not all men and women are the same.  Try kissing him with no pressure to go farther.  Don't be hyper focused on intercourse. Just be focused on how much you love him and how you want to express it.

As a man, I can back up need and want for something like foreplay.  For a lot of men, it's about in, out and done!  I myself would much rather have some passion, energy, excitement ... feel like I am needed and wanted. 

  

Instead, my wife seems to offer it up very rarely (you're getting action MUCH more frequently than me) and it feels like she just wants me to get it done and over with ... feel like I'm being tossed a favor or something. 

  

Any case, back to you!  Throwing it in his face may send him the wrong signals too ... "hey, she standing in front of me in lingerie ... she's decided that it's time for us to be intimate!"  Men don't like to be treated like dogs ... well, not all men! 

  

Where the lingerie under a nice flowing dress, build up the momentum by having a nice dinner done for him, mood setting, talk with him, enjoy his conversation, show interest ... any of this sound familiar ladies? 

  

Sometimes it's fun to just say, "hey, how about a quickie?" and it works.  Sometimes you can get away with just showing up with lingerie on and it will work but there usually has to be some form of build up to it, then excuse yourself to go and put on something more comfortable ... just like the old movies.  It can work! 

  

Some men feel like they're stuck in their lives and the last thing they want is to come home and have anything forced upon them ... yes, even sex. 

  

Also, try mixing up the positions or the experience in the bedroom too!  Different positions, methods and experiences in the room may make him re-appreciate things! 

  

I agree with the previous response in the fact that you have to feel sexy to be sexy!  There are women of all shapes, sizes, nationalities, likes, etc that are sexy not necessarily because of how they look but more because of who they are and how they feel about themselves.  Of course, there are always features or attributes that we like or dislike but if you put out confident and sexy ... you ARE confident and sexy! 

  

If you want romance, sometimes you have to be the one to do the romantic thing.  Who knows you better than you?  YOu'd like candlelit dinners?  Make one!  You want quiet time together, than work at doing that (get the kids to bed or plan a night out).  It's easy to get caught up in the everyday and sometimes seeing someone do something different is much more affecting than hearing someone say that they want or expect it! 

  

I don't know if any of this will help but I know that in my experiences, I would have liked to see things done differently. 

  

I know ... go talk to your wife about it and quit writing here, right?  LIke the rest of you, sometimes it's easier to give advice than to take it yourself! 

You didn't ask for advice but I am going to give you some.  The lack of an intimate life in your marriage is a problem.  It will become VERY noticeable when one of you gets attention from a 3rd party and it reawakens that part of you.  Head off that trouble now. Sit down with her and ask her what is going on and plan how to fix it. 

  

Your wife sounds like she isn't enjoying sex (smile-most of us like it prolonged not shortened).  It also might be that she is feeling angry or resentful and that is interfering with sex. She may not be comfortable talking about it but you have to get this on the table and communicate about it so you can fix it. 

  

Every woman is different and the only one who can tell you about her pleasure spots and her secret kinks is her (and vice versa).  We don't come with an owner's manual so we do have to share all of that with each other.  Find out how she gives herself an orgasm and what she is thinking when she does it :) Learning to Understand your partner's sexuality is so exciting. It is like a treasure hunt. 

  

One thing we do that is lovely is to play hookey and we stay home together and play all day while the kids are at work. We are both rested, we can be as loud as porn stars and we can spend as looong as we like doing it :).  I also think the fact that we plan and schedule it so we both know exactly when it is coming makes it better. Having a sex date is hot. I plan my attire and surprises for him ~grin~  

  

Good luck! 

Thanks for taking an interest in my comments. 

  

I do have problems ... and issues do come into play. 

  

Sit down and make a plan?  Love to!  Tried it and it always ends up being something that can't be fixed because I'll never understand and, as much as I try, I've been told by her that I never will.  That's not fair ... to her or me! 

  

We'll try to do this, make more time for that, eliminate this road block, help more with this or that and still nothing. 

  

It's possible that she's not having fun with sex ... I'm not a mind reader, I"m not well-endowed, I don't claim to know the Kama Sutra, nor am I the "hunk of the week".  The one thing that I am is dedicated to trying and even addicted to her hapiness. 

  

Pleasure spots and secret kinks, eh?  I'd love to know them but, according to her, she doesn't have anything that she wants to change ... she keeps saying that she loves things just as they are.  You've got to be kidding me?  If she has fantasies, I can't be them.  If she has passions, dreams or desires, I've tried to cater to them, regardless of what they are but especially if they are related to our intimacy. 

  

Playing hookey usually ends up with both of us going to breakfast or lunch together, shopping and getting home before the kids do ... to be parents again ... that's it!  "thanks for a great day honey!"  ... nothing more! 

  

I've done a lot and maybe I haven't done enough but she tells her friends that I'm a wonderful person.  So, again, I'm confused. 

  

At this point, it is easier to not plan, not to expect and not get disappointed than to plan, expect and be heartbroken when it just doesn't work out again! 

Wow-i am sorry. That sounds really tough.  I'm so glad to see that you understand it is not about you.  So many people in your shoes would have lost their self esteem with that kind of constant rejection. 

  

How long have you been married?  Has your sex life ever been normal? 

We've been married for over 12 years and been together for a few more than that. 

  

Has it always been this way?  No.  Did I think that it could be this way?  No. 

  

In the beginning, we were MUCH more active than we are now ... you know ... the bunny rabbit phase evolves to the lovers phase to the honeymooners phase and so on and so on ... but I honestly didn't think that I'd hit the stage that I'm at ... ever! 

  

So, over the years, we had kids (I put on sympathy weight for both, she lost her's but I haven't lost mine), jobs get busier, lives are more hectic, etc.  So, the least important thing to an individual will get cut. 

  

You know, I understand that I can do things to change myself mentally and physically but I have to do it for myself.  As supportive as she can be for some things, she not in others. 

  

#1 thing that Dr. Phil says, "put yourself in a no fail environment!" 

  

So, if I want to lose weight, work out, etc ... I need to do what I have to do to remove the temptations to eat the wrong kind of things ... that's a bit of a problem when your wife and children don't have any form of weight issues. 

  

In any case, changing how I look may or may not affect my relationship ... so, to try and lose weight for that reason would be useless ... if it didn't affect my relationship, I would probably end up putting on some weight and resenting my spouse, which doesn't help anybody. 

  

So, the one that I need to do it for is just me!  That's what I'm doing!  If I want to be happy, I need to make some changes for me.  If I'm happy, other people can pick up on that and feed off of my positive attitude ... go ahead, leach away, I've got plenty to spare! 

  

Does my attitude affect my relationship?  YES 

  

So, bottom line, I need a happy household and a happy family.  That's all that I can really reach for and attain.  The rest is really out of my control. 

  

Has it affected my self-esteem?  At times, yes.  I'm human and realistically, it would be impossible to go unaffected by anything.  How does one regain that lost self-esteem?  You have to get positive reinforcement from somewhere to fill in the gaps ... set new goals for things that you can affect and directly control.  Once you have developed a good collection of achievements, you should have boosted your self-esteem enough to help you tackle other challenges, regardless of what it is. 

  

For anybody who's having trouble, I know you can do things to build yourself up ... you can tackle one big thing but it's a lot easier to tackle many smaller challenges.  I wish you strength, love, health and happiness!