Topic : 11/14 Sisters at War

I have a sister that cheated with my ex-husband.  I suspected it and was told how jealous I was to the point that I felt like something was wrong with me.  Kind of funny that I would think like that as my father told me my whole life to "trust my instincts", they are always right.

 

The truth was driven home one day when my children ages 5, 7, 9 came home from a weekend with their father and asked most innocently, "Mumma....... why does Daddy sleep with Auntie )(*&&%).  I didn't know what to say because my reality of intuition and the shock of deception hit me like a ton of bricks yet I knew I had to answer my sweet angels with something not so hateful.  All I could think to say was, "because their stupid" , that must have been good enough for them at the time because I've never heard another word about it and they are 24, 26 and 28. 

 

What is kinda funny now is (not really funny) but the kid's think I messed up their lives by leaving the jerk.  Any way, I thought I had forgiven my sister............in reality I felt it in words, in deeds and in every day life but I never truly felt it until our father was dying of leukemia.  It will be a year on November 27th. 

 

She, along with another sister and I carried our dying father to his bed so he could "hold my mother one more time"  although he wasn't really able to I'm sure in his mind he was.  We shared and mourned one of the most bittersweet things anyone could.  The memory of what happened between her and my ex is now a non-issue. 

 

I can look at my sister as a sweet loving soul who is like me dancing on this earth for a short while.  When she went along with my ex she had to be searching, hurting, and hopeless.  How can I hate her for that?

 

Well, I would be pretty hateful if someone ruined the bond I had with my kid in any way, shape or form.

Wow I really admire you, it takes a very strong person to forgive something like that

My sister and I had a very destructive relationship since we very young.   I was  the main target of her abuse.  She never cheated with my husband or interfered in my marriage.  Insteadm I was the target of continued verbal, emotional and physical abuse throughout my entire life, even after we were both married with children.  I wish more than anything else in my life, I knew why she hated me so very much.  Why she burned me with matches, beat me senseless, stole from me.  Why she truly hated me.  I wanted and needed my BIG sister in my life, she didn't feel the same about me.  What did I do to deserve her hatred.

In 1998 she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  She lived in FL, I in MA.  I was elected by my parents to leave my family and job to go care for her.  It wasn't long before we knew she was dying, time was very short.  I Never got answers to  questions of why she treated me as she did.    When I saw her give up her fight to live, it didn't matter any more.  I did find out in caring for her, that her marriage was a mess, alcoholism consumed her husband, one son was gorked on drugs and had dropped out of school. She  received no loving support in her dying days. No one was even staying at the hospital while she received chemo.  I found positively no satifaction in this.  My heart broke for her.  It was my parents, brother and I who were with her.  Her husband never came to her side.  He said he didn't do hospitals.

In the end, it didn't matter why I was robbed of a relationship with her.  I'm glad and blessed that I was able to give her comfort from her pain, be at her side when her body couldn't fight anymore. I found forgiveness for all the abuse I had received.  I spent my entire life wanting answers  from her, until she died at the age of 47.  Nothing else mattered then. I forgave all the abuse, the loss of my sister put into perspective that forgiveness is far better than wanting something someone can't give.  I'll never know why we didn't have the sisterly relationship I craved.  I have so much more now.  I gave to her when she had nothing to give but her love and thankfulness that someone was at her side at the end of her life.

It's been almost 8 years, I think of her  every day and wish she had told me how miserable her life had turned out.  Maybe I could have helped.  I am thank-ful for who she was and not in what she wasn't.   We can find forgiveness in many ways.  Don't let it be through a terminal illness when years of past hurt are all so insignificant.

My mother and her sister have hated each other since, well since they were kids. When they'd walk to school together as kids my aunt would make my mom walk on the other side of the road. She told my mom she wasn't pretty enough, smart enough and good enough to walk on her side. My mom spent half of her life feeling insecure and had to handle a great deal of depression.  Well, my family endured many disappointing holidays because the two of them had to be in the same room together. My brother and I grew up,  with the blame that it was my mom's fault for ruining the holidays again! It finally took my grandfather's passing for me to realize and to see what kind of an abuser my aunt really is. What hatefulness she has in her heart that for some reason we as kids thought it to be our mom's fault. I am guilty that I ever thought for a moment that my mom was embarrassing us, or ruining our holidays. My aunt doesn't call anyone in her family. She hates all the relatives, yet she seems to think that calling me once in awhile is acceptable. I wish I could stick up for my family and give my mother the true respect that she deserves. I say nothing but I think its because I know my aunt is sick.  I see now that 90 % of what my family has had to go through with each other stems from one person. My mom's sister. The good news is that although my mom and dad are divorced, us kids will always have a good relationship with our parents and each other. The cycle has broke so to speak (at least for us). I think its wonderful if family can restore their love for each other but in some cases it isn't so. My grandparents are gone now and my mother finally has a chance at some peace. She will never have to deal with her sister again and this is truly a good thing. After all these years (58 to be exact) she finally has a chance to move forward in her life. I'm 33 years old and it has taken me this long to get here, but I finally see the pain that my mom has gone through in her hole life. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. And I hate the fact that my mom was robed of having a "normal" childhood.   My aunt and her family might have all the money and material things today  but my mom has more than her sister will ever know. And for that I feel really sorry for her.

My husband and I separated in 98 during the holidays. We had been married for 15 years at the time. We were a mess, the kids were a mess, life was a mess.  My husbands sister invited him to her house on New Years Eve... 2 weeks into our separation.  She had a suprise waiting for him. One of her good friends who she thought would be perfect for him.  I never felt so betrayed in my entire life!!  We went to counseling and worked on our marriage and this summer celebrated our 23rd anniversary. But I can never forgive his sister.  She is indifferent, and felt that she had a right to make her brother happy. Let's not talk about the fact that I was her "sister" for so long. To this day, I will be polite at family functions, but I will never trust her and have no respect for her whatsoever.  My husband couldn't understand why she would just "throw me away" at the blink of an eye.  She tells anyone who will listen that I am unforgiving and over emotional on the subject. As long as she continues with that thought process she will never be embraced by me or my family again.

I am writing this on the second day of my sister's death.  She died yesterday (Friday) and I already miss her so much.  We did not always get along and she made choices that were not the healthiest or the smartest, but she was my sister.  I could always count on her to give hugs that were a little too long, her capacity to love with all of her heart and the knowledge that we loved each other.  When I found out that she was in the hospital, in the ICU unit, I opted to wait to call her the next day (Friday), however that call was never made because she past away in the early morning.  I will always have that regret that I didn't get the chance to acuse her of wanting attention or just trying to get out of house work(with a smile).  My family (mother, father, brothers, husband) and I knew that she was sick but didn't realize how ill she was. 

Quite honestly, I thought that "Sisters at War" was a silly topic when I saw the preview, because all of us have disagreements with our siblings but I would give anything to be "at war" with my sister right now instead of having to plan her memorial service and help her kids get through this.

The most ironic part  is that this episode is scheduled to air on her birthday, she would have been 37.

Right after seeing the PREVIEW, I called my sister just to tell her how much I loved and appreciate her being a part of my life, wow I couldn't imagine that much animosity, after all once our parents are gone, we are all we'll have left.

In October 1985 my dysfunctional family had a very rude wake up call. My 17 year old sister was killed in a hit and run. An event like this will either pull a family together or tear it apart. We were fortunate that it pulled us together for the first time. At that point my other sister and I made a pact, that no matter what: Sisters are forever. She is the only sister I have left, and though she has put my family through the paces, she is still my sister and I would do just about anything to make sure her life was happy. She is the black sheep of the family and I defend her to my family, but in private with her I let her know how I feel about what she has been doing to not only herself, but to her children and our parents. Now that our father has passed away, she has become even more outrageous, but I still love her and want to help her where I can, but I will not enable her in her self destruction.

 

I think these two sisters need to find out what has caused them to become so bitter towards each other because in the end they are all they have left when their parents are gone, and while they may have their own immediate families, they still need each other. I hope that Dr. Phil can get them to see this.

I understand how it feels to lose a sister. I have two, but one passed away when she was 17 in a hit and run accident. It has been 11 years now, but I still remember her, and though we didn't always get along, at least when she did die, the last time I had spent with her was a really nice and funny memory. It is one I will cherish forever.

 

Remember all the good times with her, and she will always be there with you in your heart. It will take time and though the pain doesn't leave completely, it will not be so great and consuming as it is in the beginning.

 

Here is a big hug for you!

 

Here is a quote I wrote (after losing my father) that is displayed on one of my online pages:

 

Loss of a loved one is not the end of life, but only the beginning. Carry on their wisdom, teachings and love to the next generation and they will live on forever. - R. A. Hager