Topic : 03/15 Starving for Perfection

My point is what put those signals in her head?  The teachers sure didn't help your daughter, she may have to live with this the rest of her life. 

Not eating from depression is different from anorexia though.  I understand that too, but anorexia is not the same. 

You both have my sympathies and my prayers.

I do not feel sorry for these women.  It is a choice without a doubt.  My sister was anorexic and now she is dead.  She was alway a perfectionist and over achiever.   She was beautiful, extremely intelligent and very talented.  I idolized her growing up, and our parent's adored her.  She was very happy and well adjusted until the year that I announced my engagement.  Suddenly she stopped eating.  She was my maid of honor, and on the day of my wedding she weighed only 80 lbs. and was too weak to stand.  As soon as the ceremony was over she had to be rushed to the hospital because she collapsed while we were taking pictures.  She later admitted that she had spun out of control because in her mind I had achieved something that she had been unable to do.    After months and months of treatment in an inpatient facility and many thousands of dollars she recovered.  She was realeased to my parents and moved back into their home and was by all appearences doing very well.   Two years later I announced that I was pregnant.  She feigned excitement and began cutting herself with razors.  This was very traumatic for my parents and myself and we focused almost entirely on her and her behavior for the duration of my pregnancy.  .After my son was born she began telling me that our pastor, family doctor, and other respected men in our community were involved in satanic rituals  where babies were being ceremonially sacrificed.  She said that she had been forced to participate in the rituals against her will.  Of course I knew that she had concocted the story to frighten me.  I told my mother who said, "Oh you know she reads all of those Steven King novels, I am sure she was just relaying a plot to you, not actually presenting the events as fact."   

Our parents traveled abroad for business purposes.  Each time they would leave the country my sister would create some sort of crisis that would require me to rush to her aid.  These were also intended to make Mom and Dad feel guilty for leaving her.  On the very day that my husband walked out on me for another woman, my sister's therapist called me saying that she had baracaded herself in my parents home and was threatening suicide.  So in the middle of the night I took may baby and drove three and a half hours to her rescue.

The day before I married my second husband she missed her flight from New York and had to stay overnight.  She reported that she had been attacked in the airport and returned to her friends's home to recover from the trauma of the event.  Although an investigation was conducted there was never any evidence of an assault.    Eventually life went on and she recovered.  Then I decided to go back to school to earn my degree.  As soon as my mother told her this she began to drink excessively and she then became and alcoholic.  Eventually she recovered from that and our mom became the focus of our attention because she had liver cancer.  My sister chose that time to move out of the house and announce that she had "suddenly become a lesbian and no longer wanted to have anything to do with those of us who were heterosexual."  She witheld herself from my mother in the last few months of her life and my mom suffered in anguish over her absence.  She and her "significant other"  came to visit only the night before mother died and when I left them alone in our mother's room they stole her credit cards from her purse, and quickly left.  After our mother passed away they began preying on our father who was in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease.  She would have him constantly in a panic by lying to him.  She told him that she was dying of a brain tumor, that she had been suddenly stricken blind, had been raped, or that she was broke and starving to death.  My dad believed her and would write checks to help her, forgetting that he had already given her money earlier in the day.  She stole a fortune from him, literally, and used the money to buy expensive cars,  jewelry, and to travel the world.  She made his last days miserable as well. 

In November of 2000 Beth died.  She was found dead in my parent's home by a friend.  An autopsy and toxocology screening were performed and the results were inconclusive.  The police did find many different medications in the house that were prescribed to herself and three or four other names that she had created in order to get medication.

Although I did love my sister, I hate her memory now.  She ruined the last few years of my parent's lives, and her loss has caused me to withdraw from my own life for the past six years.  I am so angry with her for all that she did.  She had so much love from our family and so much potential and she wasted it all.  I never understood her insatiable need for attention and crisis.  I don't know how she was able to do the things she did. I am at a loss now wondering if I ever really knew her and I don't know now if she ever loved any of us.  I am so angry about this that if you were to go to the cemetary today you would not be able to find her grave because I have not placed a marker on it.   

These women are controlling, selfish and manipulative.  Parent's who live in denial are not helping their daughters at all.

I do not feel sorry for these women.  It is a choice without a doubt.  My sister was anorexic and now she is dead.  She was alway a perfectionist and over achiever.   She was beautiful, extremely intelligent and very talented.  I idolized her growing up, and our parent's adored her.  She was very happy and well adjusted until the year that I announced my engagement.  Suddenly she stopped eating.  She was my maid of honor, and on the day of my wedding she weighed only 80 lbs. and was too weak to stand.  As soon as the ceremony was over she had to be rushed to the hospital because she collapsed while we were taking pictures.  She later admitted that she had spun out of control because in her mind I had achieved something that she had been unable to do.    After months and months of treatment in an inpatient facility and many thousands of dollars she recovered.  She was realeased to my parents and moved back into their home and was by all appearences doing very well.   Two years later I announced that I was pregnant.  She feigned excitement and began cutting herself with razors.  This was very traumatic for my parents and myself and we focused almost entirely on her and her behavior for the duration of my pregnancy.  .After my son was born she began telling me that our pastor, family doctor, and other respected men in our community were involved in satanic rituals  where babies were being ceremonially sacrificed.  She said that she had been forced to participate in the rituals against her will.  Of course I knew that she had concocted the story to frighten me.  I told my mother who said, "Oh you know she reads all of those Steven King novels, I am sure she was just relaying a plot to you, not actually presenting the events as fact."   

Our parents traveled abroad for business purposes.  Each time they would leave the country my sister would create some sort of crisis that would require me to rush to her aid.  These were also intended to make Mom and Dad feel guilty for leaving her.  On the very day that my husband walked out on me for another woman, my sister's therapist called me saying that she had baracaded herself in my parents home and was threatening suicide.  So in the middle of the night I took may baby and drove three and a half hours to her rescue.

The day before I married my second husband she missed her flight from New York and had to stay overnight.  She reported that she had been attacked in the airport and returned to her friends's home to recover from the trauma of the event.  Although an investigation was conducted there was never any evidence of an assault.    Eventually life went on and she recovered.  Then I decided to go back to school to earn my degree.  As soon as my mother told her this she began to drink excessively and she then became and alcoholic.  Eventually she recovered from that and our mom became the focus of our attention because she had liver cancer.  My sister chose that time to move out of the house and announce that she had "suddenly become a lesbian and no longer wanted to have anything to do with those of us who were heterosexual."  She witheld herself from my mother in the last few months of her life and my mom suffered in anguish over her absence.  She and her "significant other"  came to visit only the night before mother died and when I left them alone in our mother's room they stole her credit cards from her purse, and quickly left.  After our mother passed away they began preying on our father who was in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease.  She would have him constantly in a panic by lying to him.  She told him that she was dying of a brain tumor, that she had been suddenly stricken blind, had been raped, or that she was broke and starving to death.  My dad believed her and would write checks to help her, forgetting that he had already given her money earlier in the day.  She stole a fortune from him, literally, and used the money to buy expensive cars,  jewelry, and to travel the world.  She made his last days miserable as well. 

In November of 2000 Beth died.  She was found dead in my parent's home by a friend.  An autopsy and toxocology screening were performed and the results were inconclusive.  The police did find many different medications in the house that were prescribed to herself and three or four other names that she had created in order to get medication.

Although I did love my sister, I hate her memory now.  She ruined the last few years of my parent's lives, and her loss has caused me to withdraw from my own life for the past six years.  I am so angry with her for all that she did.  She had so much love from our family and so much potential and she wasted it all.  I never understood her insatiable need for attention and crisis.  I don't know how she was able to do the things she did. I am at a loss now wondering if I ever really knew her and I don't know now if she ever loved any of us.  I am so angry about this that if you were to go to the cemetary today you would not be able to find her grave because I have not placed a marker on it.   

These women are controlling, selfish and manipulative.  Parent's who live in denial are not helping their daughters at all.

I was hospitalized 7 times and attempted suicide before spending a month at The Renfrew Center.  While there I worked and fought.  I have mostly symptom and behavior free for 6 months.  However, after seeing the show and reading about the Center for Change and eating disorder recovery statistics I am saddened.  Everyone is measuring recovery in behavior and weight.  I am miserable, depressed, and hopeless; however, just because I'm not using eating disorder behaviors, I'm recovered and I would be considered a success story.  I did have the after treatment high, but I just don't feel any better.  Though my behaviors are different, my feelings and thoughts have not changed much.  I got real Dr. Phil.  I gave up control of the eating disorder.  I listened to therapists, doctors, family and friends.  I made the choice.  What have I gained now?  I have a life not worth living.  Now I don't look like I need any help and I will suffer alone.  Now not even my eating disorder comforts me.  Though healthy, I am still trapped inside my body.  I want to crawl out of my skin.  What more can I do now?  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and I stick to my recovery plan.  However, I'm just standing still, I'm not moving foward.  How can I get anywhere from here?  Is there anywhere to go?  Or is this as good as it gets now?

As a person in recovery from an eating disorder I can say that I disagree that the solution is as simple as getting someone to agree to a diet.  There are much more complex psychological issues involved here.

I do agree, however, that some therapy techniques are inappropriate for some patients and personally disagree altogether with some techniques.  For example, I think that clinics that force feed patients and punish them for exercising can actually reinforce their desire for control and hatred for calories.  Of course when someone is dying, we have to take drastic measures such as tube feeding but as soon as possible, it is the mind that needs the help.  The ultimate goal should always be to help the patient resume a normal life.

That said, there are fantastic professionals out there who can and do help women get back their lives.  I'm an example.  Eating disorders are hard to understand if you've never had one.  If you ever do have a child with an eating disorder, please don't assume that you can fix it with a change of environment or a diet.  Find expert help that you agree with and is proven to work.  There is no one solution but professional help has a much higher success rate than self-help.

I wish that Dr. Phil would do a show with girls that are anorexic that don't look like this!  Our country needs to be more aware of this horrible disease!  I have a 23 year old daughter that has been in and out of treatment for anorexia for 4 years.  When was 1st diagnosed she was 120 lbs., and looked like a normal teenager.  She hid it very well.  She didn't look like these women or Karen Carpenter that we all think an anorexic looks like. 

She was a dancer.  She danced 6-8 hours a day in college.  When she wasn't dancing she was working out or running.  To make a long story short, we found out about her problem when we discovered her body was eating away at her heart for the protein it needed.  She was 19 years old and we almost lost her!!! 

She is a very intelligent girl, and took nutrition as a passion as early as 13 years old, we thought she just knew how to eat smart, we didn't know that the amount of calories she was consuming would not sustain her body as active as she was.  She has so brainwashed herself against food that there are almost no safe foods for her. 

She lost her dreams!  She was at a predominant university and they ask her leave because of her health issues.  She had dreams of being a professional dancer, and her world ended because of this disease.  It was a childhood dream, her dream is gone.  Now she is a 23 year old that doesn't know how to build a new dream.  The eating disorder is her best friend!  She basically can't remember life without it.  She is brilliant, a talented writer, very talented artist, has a natural talent with children, so much is going for her, but she can't see it. 

She has been in one of the best treatment centers twice for 6 month stays at a time, after this last inpatient treatment she remained in the town of the treatment center to allow to stay with her treatment team on an outpatient basis.  She is working so hard at recovery, yet only making baby steps! 

Dr. Phil...please let America know that these girls are everywhere!!!!  We just don't recognize them soon enough!!!!

She really needs to meet someone that is truely recovered, because as much as she wants it, she is not sure it is possible.

Moms everywhere...pay attention to what your kids are doing, and how they are really feeling!