Topic : Differing Sex Drives

About 5 months ago, I went back to my hometown in Mississippi and reconnected with my highschool sweetheart after 17 years.  We had a great week together....so much in fact, that he decided to move to CA to be with me. Okay, here's a little history. We were each other's first kiss and lovers.   When we were younger, we made out all the time. I LOVED IT!!   

Now, he's living with me and after 4 months, there is no intimacy. He stated that he moved 2000 miles to be with me and that should be enough. I asked why he doesn't even pursue me and he stated that was highschoolish and immature. I told him that romance and intimacy doesn't end after highschool. Since he's been here, we have had sex once and he's only passionately kissed me a handful of times.  

After a month of him being here, I knew something was horribly wrong and asked him to see a therapist. He went for 2 sessions and felt like he was being ganged up on. The therapist agreed that he is a good man but has a lot of issues.  

I personally don't feel like he is into me. He states that he is but doesn't understand why there has to be sex involved. The therapist and I were like, "There doesn't have to be sex..but, there has to be intimacy."  It's hard knowing that the first guy I ever kissed and had sex with, won't do it with me now. He is very sweet in the fact that he always holds my hand and cuddles with me. But, even when he is doing this, i feel lonely because I want more. I need more.   

I brought up the issue with him again 8 weeks after therapy and of course, it turned into a fight.   He stated that he is depressed and needs to find inner peace before he can move on in a relationship. He wants me to be patient because he really wants a relationship with me. But, I want one now. Is that selfish?  Is it selfish to want the person you call a boyfriend to be intimate with you?  I told him that he was more my best friend than a boyfriend.  

I even asked him to leave twice and he begged me to let him stay and that all our dreams and plans will be shattered if I just can't be patient.  He stated that he sees a life being married to me and having children.   Right now, I'm feeling played.  I'm 34 years old and need a loving romantic relationship.  He's 32...too young to be going through this.   The therapist was worried about his sex drive. He is a good lover; however, he just won't have sex.  The part I don't understand, is why he won't passionately kiss me.  I often wondered if he was gay..but, he gets really ticked off if you bring that up.  

Apparantely, this is pretty common. What do you do about it? 

For me I think an "Emotional" affair would be harder to break off  than a "Physical" or sexual one.  

Once you get to need the emotional attachment of someone it is hard to go through the day without  

needing another fix!  When you add Chemistry well you have bigggg problems.. So do you plan on keeping your husband and your "Emotional" affair?  I am asking because I am riding the fence Divorce or Affair 

Hi.  I just want to say that you are not alone in this.  Six months ago I moved in with my boyfriend, who prior to this live-in situation was such an excellent partner.  Of course, we were having a long distance relationship so when we did manage to find time together there were fireworks.   

I do not want to make this too long, but I do want to let you know that you are not alone.  Since living with him our sex life has been limited.  I have voiced my thoughts about how much I desire sex and got some response.  However, for the past three months we have not had sex at all--nor have we kissed passionately.  He is only 29 and I am 30.  We are young and supposedly in love--it just seems strange to me that we are not being intimate.  We cuddle and hand hold throughout the night--which is wonderful and I know that most women wish they could have more of this, so I do not want to take it for granted.  Still, we have no sex life at this point.   

I'm glad you went to see a therapist.  That was definitely a step in the right direction.  We are not there yet.  We can barely communicate about our differences.  Just so you know, the thought that he might be gay has crossed my mind several times.  Even early in our dating life I questioned his sexuality.  Anyway, I'm at a loss, but still want to continue to engage in conversation with him about our sex life.  I am not sure what will come of it, but I hope everything works out for the best for both of us. 

to him anymore? He is only 43, and if he is out of town and not getting any sex(?) then he should still be coming home and jumping your bones!! 

Something just doesn't jive, there has to be a reason. If he won't tell you what it is, then you need to deceide if you want to go without sex for the rest of your life. Hard choice, but it seems like he has made a choice not to have sex with you?! So if that is out of the question for you, then a divorce is the way to go, an affair will not solve the problem your having with hubby and only make it worse. Once your divorced then you can have as many sexual partners as you like(being careful of cource). 

Good luck, hope you find out what hubby is up to and why he is treating you this way...Red 

For me I think an "Emotional" affair would be harder to break off  than a "Physical" or sexual one.  

Once you get to need the emotional attachment of someone it is hard to go through the day without  

needing another fix!  When you add Chemistry well you have bigggg problems.. So do you plan on keeping your husband and your "Emotional" affair?  I am asking because I am riding the fence Divorce or Affair 

Actually, I was his first g/f when we were kids.  (17 years ago)  He's been with about 5 women and has a child with one of them. The child was adopted out and he states that this is part of his depression. I think it's only one reason. Lately, I've been a little distant with him. I haven't been going to bed at the same time and I'm not watching T.V. with him anymore. Tonight, he told me that he missed me.  Something tells me that he loves my companionship...just can't be inimate. We were so intimate when we were in highschool. I mean, he acts like somebody who has been abused. He does have a poor past. Both his parents went to prison when he was 17 and he still dwells on this. During this time, an older woman took him in an made him marry her. I sometimes wonder if this is the reason why he is down on sex. She was 14 years older and he was just a baby. I could rationalize his behavoir all night but, I'm aftraid I'll never really know. He stated that I'm the only woman that he truely ever loved and is sometimes mad at me that I didn't contact him early than 17 years later.  

I'll keep y'all informed. I just don't know.  

Well, I finally brought it up...again. The lack of intimacy. He got really irate with me and told me that he wasn't going to be used for sex and intimacy and that it shouldn't be important in any relationship. I told him that it was important for me to have my boyfriend kiss me and then, he started calling me names and told me all I care about was my needs. I stated that kissing is a very basic need in a relationship and if he couldn't provide that, he was not the guy for me.    

He told me that he would never be able to provide that for me because it would never be important to him.  He told me that I've changed and I reminded him that it wasn't me because when we were teenagers, we made out all the time and had sex whenever we could.  He couldn't say much after that.  He stated that if he knew that is all I thought about...itimacy, he would have never moved here to be with me. I told him that if he had told me that there would have never been any intimacy, it would have been an immediate deal breaker.  Then the BEST PART...he stated, "Maybe we should go on T.V. so you can see how people feel about you not caring about my needs."  I stated, "Yes, let's do it. Let's see how many people agree with you that there shouldn't be any intimacy in a relationship." 

I was very strong tonight and broke it off with him. At one point, he lost his temper and I thought he was going to get violent. The F word came out of his mouth many times. Guess what, I stayed strong, even tempered and didn't even cry. I'm finally over it. I'm done.  I told him that I had to break it off now because I refused to have the intimacy conversation a year from now. He told me that I was shattering all his dreams and plans.  I told him that our plans were much different and that he needed to move on.  I refuse to be in a nonphysical relationship. And, he refuses to be in one.  

Now, the hard part.. he is 2000 miles away from home. I told him that we can continue to be friends because I care about him. How do I get him to move out?  I told him that if he can't afford it, he could rent a room from me or I would help him find a place.  His answer, I can't afford a place and have cable too.  I think it's time I get rid of the cable.....and the guy!   

I have to say, for a couple months, I was patient..but, ladies being patient will get  you nowhere, if it's not happening now, chances are it's not going to happen. Things don't go from Worse to better in a new relationship it's usually the other way around.  

Wish me luck.  It's funny how he is trying to make me out to be the bad guy. I'm the normal one. I told him that he needed help if the didn't find that intimacy is important. Well, he told me that I needed the "f''cking" help for thinking that it was. I have high self esteem and I always will. I won't have any guy telling me this stuff.  Yes, the relationship is over for me. Isn't it funny that he still wants one?   

Well, I finally brought it up...again. The lack of intimacy. He got really irate with me and told me that he wasn't going to be used for sex and intimacy and that it shouldn't be important in any relationship. I told him that it was important for me to have my boyfriend kiss me and then, he started calling me names and told me all I care about was my needs. I stated that kissing is a very basic need in a relationship and if he couldn't provide that, he was not the guy for me.    

He told me that he would never be able to provide that for me because it would never be important to him.  He told me that I've changed and I reminded him that it wasn't me because when we were teenagers, we made out all the time and had sex whenever we could.  He couldn't say much after that.  He stated that if he knew that is all I thought about...itimacy, he would have never moved here to be with me. I told him that if he had told me that there would have never been any intimacy, it would have been an immediate deal breaker.  Then the BEST PART...he stated, "Maybe we should go on T.V. so you can see how people feel about you not caring about my needs."  I stated, "Yes, let's do it. Let's see how many people agree with you that there shouldn't be any intimacy in a relationship." 

I was very strong tonight and broke it off with him. At one point, he lost his temper and I thought he was going to get violent. The F word came out of his mouth many times. Guess what, I stayed strong, even tempered and didn't even cry. I'm finally over it. I'm done.  I told him that I had to break it off now because I refused to have the intimacy conversation a year from now. He told me that I was shattering all his dreams and plans.  I told him that our plans were much different and that he needed to move on.  I refuse to be in a nonphysical relationship. And, he refuses to be in one.  

Now, the hard part.. he is 2000 miles away from home. I told him that we can continue to be friends because I care about him. How do I get him to move out?  I told him that if he can't afford it, he could rent a room from me or I would help him find a place.  His answer, I can't afford a place and have cable too.  I think it's time I get rid of the cable.....and the guy!   

I have to say, for a couple months, I was patient..but, ladies being patient will get  you nowhere, if it's not happening now, chances are it's not going to happen. Things don't go from Worse to better in a new relationship it's usually the other way around.  

Wish me luck.  It's funny how he is trying to make me out to be the bad guy. I'm the normal one. I told him that he needed help if the didn't find that intimacy is important. Well, he told me that I needed the "f''cking" help for thinking that it was. I have high self esteem and I always will. I won't have any guy telling me this stuff.  Yes, the relationship is over for me. Isn't it funny that he still wants one?