Topic : Differing Sex Drives

I have been with my husband for 17 years (married for 15) and we have had what would be considered a sexless marriage for over 10 years now.  When we met he had a lower sex drive than me but it wasn't a huge issue.  We have two children aged 10 and 8 and I can remember the arguments we had in order to get him to try and conceive them both - I know in hindsight maybe I should not have had the kids if we were having issues but he told he he was stressed at work and was tired, looking back there were so many excuses.

 

I have tried to talk to him about it many times over the years but it ends up with me feeling so shallow and unaccepting of the way he is, sex is not important to him, he has said it is a chore.  2 years ago he went to our GP and had blood tests, came back he had low testosterone, he was given herbal remedies as opposed to medication.  He took them for a few weeks but then stopped because he said they didn't work.

 

He has now gone to a different doctor, a hormone specialist and been put on two medications but there has been no change in his libido - I am also seeing the same doctor as I have PCOS and I spoke to him about my husband - he seemed to think that his hormone issues should not cause such a low libido and suggested that it might be psychological. I also wonder whether he has ED, it has been many years since he woke up with an erection.

 

I feel totally trapped, I am going to be 40 in March and just can't see myself being able to live like this for the next 10 or 20 years.  I mean it is not just about sex, we have no intimacy at all, he only kisses and cuddles when he wants sex (so I get a kiss about once every 4-12 weeks)  That being said, there are many occassions where he does not kiss me duing sex, I feel like he has no ability to connect with me on an intimate basis. I try and cuddle him but he is unresponsive, I also have my kids to consider, do they deserve to be the product of divorce over something as ridiculous as sex??  That being said, don't they deserve two happy parents?

 

I have tried so much stuff over the years, bought him porn (watched it once, sat in the cupboard for 8 years) had Brazilian waxes, bought toys, tried spicing it up, tried saying "not tonight" , have tried showering him with affection, tried to instigate it in different places, now I've just given up, I just couldn't bear the rejection any longer.

 

I really don't think I love my husband anymore, he is away at the moment and I don't even miss him being here.  I don't think he has anyone on the side, I mean if he did I would be grateful of having a legitimate reason to leave.

 

I am so confused about what to do.  I no longer feel any emotion about the whole situation anymore. 

Hi group -

I think we are all feeling the effects of being the partner that is interested in working at, changing and growing a relationship.

Is it a mid-life thing? Heck I don't know - I just know it's so very frustrating and I can not see why people end up having affairs.

No - it's not a solution and I believe it would create a whole slue of other problems but when you have tried and failed so many times and you feel like your partner just doesn't care about your feelings any more - it is very tempting to turn to someone who might offer a little sympathy, some physical comfort and a boost to your selfesteem.

Dr. Phil and everyone else can tell you that you can't blame yourself and that you can't tie your selfesteem to outside catalysts and other peoples perceptions but ... my personal reality is that it's natural to do so and those outside things have more power than I do on my own.

Do I think you can accept a sexless marriage and live with it? Well - I feel like I'm doing that. I'm hurt and I get mad and well ... nothing changes. So I resolve to move forward and take charge of my own happiness and then once again I'm hurt and rejected and I'm still in the same place.

Feeling needed and wanted is a big part of ME - feeling desired as a woman and not just as a maid or mother to children is a part I have been denying.

My advice - try to get some professional counceling - I would love this but it won't happen. My husband does not believe in 'airing' your dirty laundry to anyone. And we can't talk about it because well ... frankly 'it's my problem' in his opinion. He is happy in our marriage and sees nothing wrong.

A male friend of mine suggested that I just leave one day. Leave the laundry to be done, the dishes in the sink, the yard unmowed and the vacuum in the middle of the living room. I should avoid going grocery shopping and I should pack a bag and leave the house. My kids are old enough to fin for themselves and maybe it would wake up the whole lot of them that I'm tired of being taken for granted.

OR -I could go out and get a job. I could tie my self-worth to a paycheck and I could announce that I'm no longer willing to be the maid and yardwoman and cook and personal shopper.

I don't know - maybe that would shake my husband up?

I think if you quit school you will wind up resenting your husband and it would ultimately destroy your relationship.  There has to be another way to fix the issue.  You are a new mom and have to juggle the house, the baby, school and a  marriage and that is a lot to do.  You need to take some time for yourself because I have finally figured out that you cant take care of anyone or anything if you are not taking care of yourself.  I am not saying that your marriage isn't important but so is your independance.  You should continue school because if for some reason you and your husband don't work out you need a way to support yourself and the baby.  You have to be able to make it on your own so you are not dependent on someone else to take care of you. It should be by choice to let someone take care of you not You almost trap yourself in a relationship if you have no means of supporting your family.  You have every right to finish school and better your familys chance of making it in this expensive world.

Cooeymama, are you still around?  First, I want to give my opinion on something.  Your boyfriend has threatened to "go out and get it from someone else" several times.  He's not the kind of man to marry.  You may not be able to see it now, but he has probably done you a favor by not proposing marriage.  Maybe he does love sex more than he loves you.  You need to get to the bottom of this before even thinking of marrying him and that won't happen if you just give in to sex when you don't feel like it.  How about counseling?

 

The counseling would not be to get him to quit asking for sex or for you to learn to give it to him when you're exhausted.  It would be for learning communications skills, talking about respecting another person's needs (like your need for sleep!), and working out the problems.  Will he invest that energy into your relationship? 

 

Just curious--does he work full time as well?  Does he help with your child?  Is he cleaning house, cooking, etc?

 

I have to say this--just because it's the only thing you argue about, it doesn't mean that giving him more sex will make everything peaceful.  If he has no emotional investment in the relationship, he won't bother arguing about other issues.  If he is there for the sex (and perhaps food, laundry service, etc), he may only bother to argue about that.  See what I mean?  Do you think he is emotionally connected to you?  Is he respectful of your time and energy?  How about your feelings?  Does he care?

 

You have your hands so full!  a 1-1/2 year old, a full time job AND housework, etc--not to mention a boyfriend who threatens to cheat--something has to go.  What do you think it should be??

 

How old are you? 

http://www.gayhusbands.com/

 

You might want to check out the site above and see if it applies to your situation.  It would explain the hormones not working, etc.  There are a lot of men living this way.

 

If you don't have feelings for him any longer, maybe it's time to move on.  In that case, spending time trying to diagnose him isn't worth your trouble, is it? 

 

I don't like the term, "product of divorce" because it sounds so negative.  Sometimes, divorce frees the people involved to go on and live happy lives.  My guess is that if you are happier and living a full life (including sex with a man who wants it), your kids will feel that and be happier also. 

 

I wonder if anyone has done a study of sexually deprived and/or rejected married women and their gynecological problems.  I've read some things that suggest a link and I believe there is one.    Maybe leaving will cure your PCOS. 

 

By the way, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  It can be so damaging to the self-esteem.

 

Take care.

          My husband and I have been married for 5 years. Both have been married before. When we first got together we seemed so into one another. Now  we seem to be growing apart. I love him with all my heart and I mostly fill he returns the same. We seem to always work through our problems. And there has been alot.  He has had 5 head surgeries to correct spinal fluid from leaking and other health issues that has made him take off of work for long periods of time. We have had 2 children in this time and lost close family members. Our lives have been stressful and emotionally filled since we have been together a total of 6 years. There is more that has gone on but I don't want to go on forever. We have always had one another and overcome. Except for the issue of sex. This is a constant argument. We have total opposite sex drives.  He is older by 9 years and I have a sex drive of a turtle, while he is in hypo-drive.  I do think of him sexually but I am so exhausted-physically and emotionally. I do not want to lose him because of this. We also have different styles in sexual pleasure. He would prefer oral sex alot more then I do. Even though I enjoy it done to me i am not willing to preform it. When I do, I figure that is enough for awhile( like a month) where he makes me fill like I should preform orally on him every time after that. He does make me fill sexy and that is his foreplay( a wink at me and says we gonna do it honey). All while the kids talking, fighting , playing, etc.By the way our kids combined is 5(3-18). I know I should want sex more often but when I fill like he is wanting oral sex then I get out of the mood real fast. Why can't I get past this oral sex bit? He does question me alot about it and I do not have an good answer besides I don't like it. then he says he doesn't turn me on. He says if someone is in love with another person they should be willing to experiment. anyone have any advice????

I am 40 years old and married a much younger man.  We now have an 18 month old son that we love dearly.  I have 2 older children that just adore the baby.  My husband works hard and provides for us without question.  He does however seem to drink every day as long as he has money.  When he gets mad, he will take off in my car and peel out and stay gone for as long as he likes.  He won't answer his phone and he acts like a child.  I am really fed up.  Help!

It's late at night and I'm still not  experiencing any changes in my marriage.

We didn't go away as planned, my father had a heart attack and we needed to stay.

Things have not improved, but I now am almost certain he's been having an affair. Although I have found nothing concrete to prove this, there are just so many little things that point that way. His indifference to me and refusal to have sex with me are at the top of the list. Hostility is on the rise and he finds so many reasons to verbally attack me. He won't always tell me when he's going to be late home and gets defensive if I try to pin him down to even a approximate time. And there's so much more.

I don't know I want to know for sure. Some days I think I could handle it and others I think I'd kick him out. But I still know that I love him and there is hope if he will ever open up and talk. But I don't know how long I can wait.

The holiday is rescheduled for Christmas/New Year, so I don't plan to do anything until the new year. I've waited this long, whats another few months.

Confused

My husband, god love him, has the wierdest sex drive of any man I've ever seen ! Sometimes we can go 2 or 3 weeks with absolutly nothing. Which drives me bananas !! Because there are days when he comes home and just the mere sight of him turns me on and everytime I initiate I get the ..I don't want to, not in the mood, I'm busy, can't right now, maybe later excuses. I'm the type of person where if I get shut down enough times the lightbulb goes off and I just don't ask because it hurts to much to keep asking and be told no. Him on the other hand he can roll over and do just the right things and I'm ready to go..even if I'm sleeping extremly sound. I wish I could deny him, but most women deny so the guy will get the hint but it wouldn't work with my husband. He would shrug it off like...don't want to? Ok no problem. It wouldn't phase him. To me...and call me crazy as it sounds crazy even to myself...when we have sex I feel so beautiful and sexy and I want the whole world to know about it..even for a day or so afterwards I just feel so good about myself...and when its been at least a week and a half I start to not feel so pretty, I wear baggy clothes, but I can turn around and dress up, wear makeup, be girly we've done it recently. I have no clue as to why my self image is tied up in us having sex. Its crazy, believe me I know, but it is what it is. Sometimes I feel like after 2 or 3 weeks he's just not  finding me attractive anymore, he doesn't want me, I discust him..something has to be behind not taking advantage of a woman who will have sex at a moments notice. Get this ladies...one day I went and got some lingerie and I got myself all primped up, and got posed on the bed, right before he came home from work, thinking..he'll like this, and finally I can get some..nope. He is more worried about the neighbors seeing me. That crushed me. The very last time I tried to turn him on I was completly naked on the bed. I figured what man can resist a naked girl on his bed right? My husband can. Again he was more worried about someone seeing me in the window. Those 2 times just killed what little self esteem I had. I figured it was because I'm not that perfect body that most guys dream of. I know I could stand to tone up and lose some weight, and I'm not exactly something you would want to look at naked, but hell he's my husband..that shouldn't be on his mind. Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying it is how he thinks, because he's not like that. Thats more how I see it. Nonetheless, I just gave up on trying to turn him on because everytime I try he is not the slightest turned on, and I end up feeling rejected, and even more useless as a wife and woman. I just wish I could turn him on like he does me...I wish I could figure out just one thing I could do..if I could find just that one little thing I think I could finally put that to rest. Its something that has bothered me since the day we got together years ago. It still bugs me today, but I guess I figure I'll never be able to do it, so why bother trying. But in the pit of my stomache I just wish I could just light him up like a roman candle and he just carry me off to the bedroom and we go at it like ...well like angelina jolie and brad pitt did on mr and mrs smith. Sometimes it really screws with my head. Anyone have any advice for me??

Infact, I was just going to post something about this when I saw your message.  I don't have any advice, unfortunatly, just sympathy and understanding.  I've always been a very sexual person.  My boyfriend and I met 3 years ago, and we are so close it makes people roll their eyes.  I haven't spent a day apart from him in 3 years.  I love everything about him.  Only, I have this very big hole in me. 

 

We have sex, but he refuses oral sex on him and on me.  He will only touch me through my panties.  Even his own ejaculation bothers him and he does not want to get it on him or have me anywhere near it.  All of these things sicken and disgust him.  He has such an opposition to them and will not bend.  It hurts me very, very deeply and it is putting such a strain on my ability to have intimacy with him.  I love him and want to be able to accept im for his differences, but like I said, I am such a sexual person and I need to have these needs fullfilled.  I love him with all of my heart, all of my everything.  Without him I am nothing but I am also feeling bitter and neglected whenever we start to get intimate. 

 

I want SO badly to work this out, and we try to, but he really does not want to bend on these issues so it always ends up with me trying to "deal".  I wish he would agree to go to counciling but he is a very private person and won't do that either.  I am feeling very lost and hopeless right now, but I am still very much in love with him.