Topic : Differing Sex Drives

Hello I just joined this message board today, because I am looking for some sort of help or understanding. My man and I are not married yet. We are suppose to get married July 4th of  of 09. But do justice of the peace this feb.

I have been engaged 3 times and never went thru with it for good reasons. But I have never settled for less. He is everything I ever wanted but if sex were food I would be dead. I am 38 and soooo starving for passion. I am lucky if we make love once a week. Then when we do it last for 5 mins if that. Almost not worth it makes me feel worse.

Should I not marry him??? Im so confused, and yes cant help but wonder is he gay??? I have asked him. He sid hell no. says it isnt me. he does drink too. so I dont know. I have talke dto him many times he knows how I feel and yet no change.

I am currently with someone I love very much.  I can't even begin to explain.  I read what you had to say and it gave me a glimmer of hope.  We have been together 4 years.  For the most part he is exactly what I have always wanted.  I have 2 children which I have brought into the relationship.  He is very attentive to them.  He helps them with their homework and he plays with them.  He is definitely an active dad and that is what I have always wanted for them.  He and I have alot of fun together.  We snowboard, play games together, play with the kids together and more.  Having quality time together seems to come easy to him/us.  We  had an incredible sex life before we lived together.  We lived almost 200 miles apart and he would visit faithfully every weekend or every other weekend and extra when he could.  When he was around me he could not get enough of me.  My kids and I recently moved in with him.  Starting a new life and family was not easy but we both lightened up a little and its going pretty well now.  Except for sex.  there are several problems I wanted to pass by you because I think you successfully conquered this problem in your relationship.

First of all it seems that I can never get it if I want it.  It kind of sounds like that with you also.  How do you deal with that.  I would love to surprise him with sexy nighties etc.  But, I have been turned down several times and told several times "when I don't want it, I can't be convinced into having it"  Any suggestions.  Doesn't it seem slightly unbalanced that you have always having it only when he wants it.

Second does your husband masturbate like its going out of style.  This is the most frustrating part.  Here I am horny as hell just to find out that he is having fun on his own without me two to three time a week, sometimes even more.   Which is exactly my sex drive.  I would like it if we would do it 2-3 times a week.   Is this happening in your relationship.  My idea of your relationship is that when your husband does not want sex he is not sexually interested period.  I have even told him that sexually intimacy does not need to consist of sexually intercourse.  We could have fun together side by side etc.   But, no luck.  I have even brought it to his attention that he masturbates as least as much as I want it so why not do something together to take care of his sexual energy.  No luck there either.  I am so frustrated.  I just want us to enjoy each other and have fun with each other.

I hear what you are saying it is not my fault.  I am attractive and worthy of his love.  I need to stop those tapes.  But to tell you the truth, I am so scared to play hard to get.  I am worried that he will just masturbate more and we will have it even less.

I could really use someone to talk to about this any thoughts or suggestions.  By the way I am going to take your lead to play hard to get and act as if I could take it or leave it and see what happens.  But I am scared stiff about doing it.

I am working the next  couple days so wont be back to the message board until Saturday.

How do you ask for sex? it could be in the approach. try not even asking him if he wants to have sex. next time your in the mood just go to him and start giving him oral once he's stimulated he shouldn't refuse. or if he's sleep get him erect then just get on top and start without him, he should get in the mood from that. if he still pushes you away then it could be a personal issue that he is either embarrsesd, ahamed or doesn't want to share with you. another thing you could do, masterbate in front of him show that you can pleasure your self if he doesn't want to, he'll see how much fun you can have by yourself and get jealous and want to join in on the fun!

I would not marry him.  Find someone who will make you feel like a woman.  That's my opinion.  I've known two guys like this and they never changed--no matter what.  It could be that he's gay or maybe he's just lazy--or maybe he has psychological problems--or maybe he just wants a maid--who knows? 

I would suggest counseling with both of you there to work this out.  If it can't be worked out, you need to decide whether you can go without sex for the rest of your life.  Can you?

Do a search for gay husbands to learn more about the men who stay with women even when they'd rather be having sex with a man. 

He knows how you feel and is doing nothing to change it.  It's not important to him or he does not know how to change.  The therapist can help him change if he wants to.  If he will not go to therapy, then you will know that it's not important to him, right?

The drinking is another reason not to marry him.  That could just get worse, too.  How much does he drink?

You brought up some good points.  It's hard to believe, but there are some guys who will ignore stimulation and just take the oral and fall asleep...or they will become erect and then fall asleep--or just get out of bed and do something else.  I think a lot of the guys who refuse all sexual contact have psychological problems...not all, but many.  If they would just be honest about it and find partners who feel the same way about it, it would eliminate a lot of pain and suffering.

By the way, it is mainly women who come to this message board, wondering why their men won't have sex; it looks like you noticed that.

I haven't seen Lilacmess for a long time--over two years, I think.  I always wonder what happened to her.

Does your husband use porn?  If so, you might like the message board that is related to porn use.  It's listed under the Sex category, I think.  There are lots of women there who have husbands who use porn instead of having sex with them.  Even if he isn't using porn, they may have some ideas for you. 

I understand your frustration.  It is too bad that the problem didn't surface till you and your kids moved in.

It sounds like you have tried to communicate with him.  Maybe there are underlying issues that need to be addressed.  Counseling would give you a chance to talk to him about those things.  If he won't go, then I hope that you will think about going yourself, so you will have someone to talk to about your options, etc.

Good luck.

There is a new book out by Michelle Weiner-Davis, called the Sex-Starved Wife.  She has a website called divorcebusting.com.  I'm not sure if I agree with everything she has to say, but maybe the book will be helpful to some of us.  The website says there is an excerpt from the book in Redbook Magazine (not sure which month).  Maybe Redbook has a website that tells.