Topic : Differing Sex Drives

It is a difficult decision to make whether to stay or leave...I find myself taking each moment at a time ...I do things that will make myself Happy.  He has hurt me in a way I never thought he would do ...I never thought he was even capable of doing.  Unfortunately, when you happen to love your husband as deeply as  each of us do...and when the promises that were made of what  each  of us wanted in our future as to all aspects of our relationships and what direction they would move in...it makes it harder because of the heart break that we now face. 

 

For all  those promises falling at the waist side that our other half has broken.  They know they are hurting us they can't deny not knowing when you have tried and tried talking about the situation and how it is affecting you ...both of you as a couple which is spilling out in all the areas of your relationship poisoning it...causing mistrust all because of the Broken Promises.

 

My husband asked me to promise him before we were married to give him fifty years...I laughed at that considering my age of 53 and counting...now I'm not 100% sure whether I will last tomorrow because of the continual Broken Promises and his lack of unwillingness to seek out a solution to our situation which he refuses to even talk about now.  His Broken Promises and excuses have caused me to question just about everything he has ever said to me causing  even more doubts to form in my mind...I hate it!!! 

 

So...from reading your message that you wrote and attached to mine..there isn't an easy solution to your situation...to any of ours...no one can tell you nor should they whether to leave or stay that is solely up to you.  May I suggest you sit down  with pen and paper and make a list starting off with the cons that have bothered you in your relationship then write out the pros...when your done take a break go out for a walk get some fresh air or better yet like me I have the quietness of the mountains and nature to help me find my inner peace...I also meditate it too can help in centering oneself.(Then when you return sit down and look at it Really... Look at it) then ask yourself "what can you do to make myself Happy, can you live with the situation as it is and if so what can you do to fill that void in your life?"    I believe my way of keeping myself centered is why I have lasted just over one year in our marriage...As I have said sex isn't everything but it is an intricate part of a couples life together...I don't believe one should hold back from loving their partner unless there is a health issue or injury. If there has been an injury then by all means be supportive to him...and Never Stop Loving Him with ALL of Your Heart because he is the same man you fell in love with...

 

I hope this helps in someway?!

 

Do Take Care...Sunstone

Did you ladies read the section that I had written on getting their hormone levels and your own checked?? Seriously, this is a simple solution to a complicated problem..see below bay218...I do not believe any man likes feeling like half a man because he cannot figure out why he no longer or may have never had a sex drive like most of friends, brothers, ect... I believe I have given you all an easy solution if your husbands are willing to get blood work done... Did any of you catch the recent episode on this topic?  I was soooo excited to see that our doctor had been wrong and I currently have an appointment for the both of us...See if you can find the episode that just aired roughly a week and a half ago.  There is a certain hormone that affects our libidos...some poor woman on the show had one of her hormone levels at 120 when it should be if she were healthy sexually at an amazing 8....she could have  cared less whether she had sex ever again but she was about to lose the love of her life..I have quite a few friends like that.  Please all of you start there..it will most likely turn out not to be his fault and only hormones or lack of affecting his desire...

Hi there...yes I have spoken with my husband on more then one occasion long before and after this particular episode aired on Dr. Phil about seeing our family physician to have his hormonal level checked etc., but he refuses to do so.

 

I congratulate you and your partner in seeking this avenue to your situation and more to the point his Willingness in finding a solution. 

I do not consider nor use the word "half a man"when speaking about a man... any man (I find it demeaning) and more importantly my Husband.  He is no more a half a man  then I as a woman.  There are men out there that are unwilling to speak about something they consider very private, even seeing the doctor makes them feel they are failing in their sexuality and have difficulty facing what can be just can be a hormonal imbalance...but it is also a fear as in women the fear of the unknown that something else could be a mist and not wanting to face it.

 

Again congrats on your partner having the courage in seeking out medical intervention.

 

Take Care ...Sunstone 

I am really sorry that your partner is unwilling to discuss the matter let alone seek professional help.  I believe in Dr.Phil's approach that we teach people how to treat us.  I give my husband all of me and treat him the way I wish to be treated.  Unfortunately someone, myself, sometimes gets the short end of the stick.  I actually had to turn it down a notch, if you will, because at times I felt that he could totally feel how crazy I am for him and I didn't feel the same in return..even though in every other area he does everything for me.  How long have you both been together??  I am just curious...When my husband and I would discuss this subject I did indeed remind him that if something, anything was ever eating away at him like this...if I were doing something that just upset him even just a little...that I would have changed that behavior immediately there would have been no need for further discussion...I was soooo confused as to why, if he loved me so much, could he continue this hurtful behavior.  When referring to the half a man statement it was a feeling my husband conveyed to me in many different ways and I as a woman did not feel whole either...feelings are definitely not always accurate.  I am definitely a black and white thinker at times and it has helped me get through what could have been far more painful times in my life if I had allowed them to.  I believe we all only have this one life and I would rather not look back at mine filled with regret and lonliness...I am a woman and I wish to feel desired and wanted!  If the love of my life, I do not take those words lightly, cannot provide me with the love I deserve then this truly would be the hardest decision of my life...how and when to leave...I really do not think there is a substitute for intimacy and could spend a lifetime looking for it..let's face it none of us are getting any younger.  I cannot spend one more minute of one more day as roomates and it hurts so much to think such angry thoughts about him when I've had enough of the rejection..He wouldn't want me to feel like this.  He doesn't like that it makes me cry and that it affects my self esteem.  He's not purposely doing that.  He's not purposely hurting my feelings, he adores me as I do him.  If he were not willing to do anything would all that he is and does be enough?  I am afraid the answer is no, because I would do it for him in a HEARTBEAT!!!  Thanks for the imput Sunstone.  I really hope all works out.

Hello...Thank-you and yes I agree we need to show people how we want to be treated...it has always been part of my foundation of who I am. My husband is very much of my Heart and he knows this and I know I am of his...he can show and express himself in many ways how he loves me but it is the intimate part that he has difficulty with...so all I can do is hope in time he will decide to seek medical intervention with our family physician; until then I will still let him know and show him how deeply I Love Him with All of My Heart.

 

No, I don't mind answering your question...for both of us this is our second marriages we were married on Valentine's Day last year...I am eight years older then my husband he's 45 and I am 53.  I am by my husband's side raising his 13 year old son who lives with us...I myself am a mother of 5 grown adults and a grandmother of 5.

 

You are not alone ... I too have felt those same emotions in my relationship with my husband...I have shed countless tears that have left there trail on my cheeks.  I have felt anger and I tried not to let it tear me down that I questioned myself worth...not to say it doesn't make me sad at times that I find I ache to have him hold and touch me ...for I do...but in those times I seat down and I write...I am a writer.  As I said in one of my previous letters about finding my inner peace with nature and through meditation...this helps me keep my center...perhaps may I suggest you find something within yourself that will help you during those times whether its walking playing with a pet ...but do something for You that will bring about a sense of inner peace.

 

Again Take Care and Happy Easter... Sunstone

My husband has a sex drive like no other.  He wants it 3 to 4 times a day, if I let him.  Me? once a week is good.  So, most of the time, I have to fight him off or give in which usually just leaves me pissed off at him and at myself.  He once left me for some other woman but came back within 2 months and I took him back, but he now throws that in my face when he finally gets mad enough that I wont give in to his appetite and tells me that  I am going to force him to find someone else again.  Dont know what to do? we have 2 boys, ages 4 and 7 and I dont want to leave my boys without a father, because a good father he is.  But our marriage is like on the rocks, and I dont see my sex drive getting much better.  I am in therapy as we speak to try to find how to deal with this.  My husband says he dont need therapy.  We been married 11 years.  Any suggestions?

 I have posted here before and your story rings most true.  I always feel as though my husband is giving into me and it is all sorts of planned.  I am usually the one who finally gets to the point of demanding it, I guess, and it feels as though he just gives in.  It is not spontaneous whatsoever.  If I waited which I have time and time again he would never come on to me, so that's when the resentment begins.  If I were in charge we would have a wonderful spontaneous sex life.  I would keep this relationship young forever.  I am 33 and he is 36 so it's not like were too old.  He just doesn't have much of a libido.  This is in every other aspect the love of my life...but if this doesn't change I don't know what I will do.  I would never cheat, if those feelings ever occured then I would leave.  I am super excited that he is willing to get his hormone levels checked as well as I am to figure this out.  This is all thanks to the recent episode on Dr. Phil.  I hope this will change soon for us.

My husband and I have been married a little over a year. We would make love twice a day, once we did it five times! Those days are LONG GONE. When the wedding ring went on, his sex drive went off. We've  had so many arguments over this subject , I'm begging to believe we've had more arguments than sex!

 

The last one just so happen to be last night. Believe it or not I finally got through to him that I wasn't attacking him, but sex is a major part of connecting to each other. If he wasn't satisfied with the way we had sex, then we need to communicate and explore each other until we get right. But not having sex and arguing about it is no longer an option.  He understood that I missed him and was questioning my selfworth, so much so that I was sinking into a dangerous depression. I don't need a roommate or a best friend to cohabitate with and again, quitting or divorce wasn't an option.

 

The answer to this issue was the fact that we agreed to reopen the lines of communication with the knowledge that there is going to be a lot of trial and error, and that's okay. The second is having the willingness. Willingness being the key word.  So I'm hopeful, we slept in the same bed last night for the first time in almost two weeks. That was a start, to slowly reconnect until we both feel comfortable to take the next step. There has been a lot of women who are having their hormone levels checked thanks to Dr. Phil's episode, there is a lot of power in that, I would definately look into it.

 

Good Luck!

My husband and I used to have the most exciting sex life and in the past year i don't know what happened but my entire sex drive went out the window i went from begging him ten times a day to being happy if i get it once every other month and i don't know why that was one thing that we both loved about our relationship was that we were both so spontaneous in that department and i just want to know why it happened and if there is anything i can do to bring it back

i am in a round about way a similar situation my husband wants all the time too and i don't.  the way i get through them nights when i dont want it but give in, the next day some time i will keep on him to do something for me that he useally wouldnt do but i give a little so does he hope it helps some