Topic : Differing Sex Drives

My fiance and I have very different sex drives.  If given the chance he would have sex 3 times a day every day.  I on the other hand could get by with 3 times a week.  This is a constant battle for us.  I feel like I can't touch him, kiss him, cuddle w/him, or do anything "physical" because he always wants to take it to the next level.  If I say I'm not in the mood or don't give in to his attemps he pouts.  There are a lot of times I give in and have sex with him even when I don't want to because I want to make him happy.  Am I crazy in thinking there has to be a compromise and us find a middle ground??  I can't keep up with him and it's driving me crazy.  I want sex to be enjoyable for both of us but it's not enjoyable to me when I feel like it's something I have to do.  Is his sex drive just way overactive or is mine way underactive???  Am I crazy for feeling the way I do???

 

Any advise???

Ive been married for 17 years. I love my wife, the problem is she has absolutely no interest in having a sex life. We have argued, talked and cried abo9ut it but nothing changes.She says she is in our marriage for the emotional love, not the physical.We basically have a sexless marriage, we may have sex 1, maybe 2 times/month, only if I intiate it.I have tried everything, from quoting exerpts from Dr Phils website,but she says we are a normal couple as far as sex is concerned.She wanted me to be more romantic, and i have tried.For example, on our last anniversary, i sent flowers, we spent the night at a nice hotel downtown, and had a fantastic dinner.I even bought her some lingerie.She never brought the lingerie to the hotel, and as i laid in bed that night waiting for her, she jumped into bed, rolled over, and we went to sleep!!! I dont expect sex everynight, in fact once a week would be awesome!Everytime i bring the sexissue up, she goes on the defensive, and it ends up in a fight.In fact, we spoke about it a few weeks ago, and she said, if you dont like it, you have a decision to make!!

I love her, and want our marrieage to work, but honestly, i dont know if i can continue, going down this road..

Id appreciate any comments....

I know you asked for women to respond but here's my thoughts.

If both of you are healthy (physically and emotionally) then there's no reason for an "emotional love only" relationship.   Just as importantly there's no reason for a physical only relationship.  Simply put, physical love can and should be a wonderful gift you each give the other as part of a true relationship. Has your wife seen a physician to be checked for any possible physical cause (hormonal levels, fibroid, etc) of a lack of libido?  Have you both been to counseling to resolve emotional differences?  As for increasing the romance in your marriage I think you're on the right track but there's more you can do.  I'd suggest reading the book "Sex Begins in the Kitchen".  Simply put, it helps show us men how we need to be there for our wives throughout the day, from day to day.  You can't ignore her emotional needs 364 days of the year and make it all up on the anniversary. 

Having said that, it does sound like there's a major problem going on here and it may come down to a hard decision.  I urge you to look into the possible physical or emotional causes right away.

 

No, you're not crazy. 

As with so many situations in a relationship sex is something you both have to come to a mutual  agreement on.  The frequency of sex can be depending on age, how long you've been together, stress, illness, and so on.  Don't overlook non-sexual issues that may be behind his drive.  Many men may see sex as an acceptance and reassurance of affection by the woman in their life.  You may need so seek counseling to help you both come to terms with each person's needs. 

I am a 46 yr old woman that REALLY wants more closeness with my boyfriend. He has NO interest. None in sex, none in talking about it, and has a million excuses. We dont even sleep in the same bed anymore. At this point, it has been almost a year since we have had intercourse. The last time, it was like, do it and get off me. I was humiliated. I hurt and think about this every day. i know he isnt seeing anyone because he has severe agoraphobia and will not leave the house. He is 'addicted' to the computer. I stay downstairs most of the time and take solice in my animals. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved by someone, and the only time I had that was when my 24 yr old daughter was unable to leave the 'nest'. She left me when she was 17. Yes i do suffer from abandonment issues as well. At 37, is it normal for a man to act like this? or am I abnormal for wishing it were different?

Sometimes it take the comfort of a good relationship to do this, but my second husband didn't mind and it does help.

 

I know that you asked for help with "no" toys, but perhaps this will help.

Go to an adult toy store, or visit one on line.  They have peticular toys that are small enough to place between you and your partner while you are having intercourse, that stimulate you and help achive orgasm.  Your partner may even enjoy your response more and your sex life could increase.  Your sex drive increases due to you enjoying it more, also.

Hi my concern is I have this guy whom I am engaged to and he doesn't have any interest in sex. if it was up to him we would go a month or so. I find myself getting frustrated with him and ready to call off the engagement. am I being selfish or do I need to have a little more patience.

I know how you feel I am going through this same situation. I think we need dr. phil to tell us what should be done in a matter such as this one.

My wife isn't interested in being sexual. Ok, from reading the forum that's nothing unusual.

 

Since she dreads sex, she pulls away from any intimacy fearing that it will lead to sexual expectations from me. That's nothing unusual either.

 

Anyway, the end result is that I don't receive the intimacy or sexual touch that I need. Notice that I wrote "sexual touch". My wife has vulvitis due to low estrogen levels which means intercourse is extremely painful. We haven't had intercouse in 10 months.

 

But all I want is a little intimacy. Is that too much to ask? I love my wife completely. I do most of the house work. I buy her flowers, dark chocolate, go for walks with her. I never ever press her to have intercourse. I love her and don't want to hurt her.

 

The best arrangement I've been able to negotiate is a hand-job twice a month on set days - she needs notice to phsyc herself up. During which she sighs and asks "are you done yet?.

 

 We've had countless conversations about this and nothing changes. I'll admit that sometimes I have gotten so hurt and angry that I have yelled at her - and she at me.  I've been to counselling which I didn't find helpful. My feelings were validated but that doesn't change anything.

 

I can't help but feel she is being profoundly selfish. She refuses to go to counselling. She puts our sleeping one-year-old on her lap in the evenings to - imo - keep me away. She also puts the baby in our bed between us at night. She refuses to use a topical estrogen cream that would cure her vulvitis (it has cure it in the past).

 

I'm hurt and rejected. I feel unloved and unappreciated. I feel the situation is totally hopeless. If she refuses to take any steps to improve the situation, what are my options? Continue with the pain and resentment, or leave. I can't help but feel that I might be happier without her.

 

 

If your partner was a woman I'd suggest that there might be hope since changing hormone levels can influence sex drive. However, I'm inclined to think that the situation is going to deteriorate further.

 

I'm going through the same situation. I have a wife and kids though, so I don't feel as though I have options. Truthfully, if I were in your situation, knowing what I know now, I'd leave.