Topic : Differing Sex Drives

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:17:33 pm
Author : dataimport
"He wants it twice a day!" "She would be happy to go a whole month without touching me." Does this sound familiar?

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August 7, 2008, 11:00 am PDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: pistol677

Ive been married for 17 years. I love my wife, the problem is she has absolutely no interest in having a sex life. We have argued, talked and cried abo9ut it but nothing changes.She says she is in our marriage for the emotional love, not the physical.We basically have a sexless marriage, we may have sex 1, maybe 2 times/month, only if I intiate it.I have tried everything, from quoting exerpts from Dr Phils website,but she says we are a normal couple as far as sex is concerned.She wanted me to be more romantic, and i have tried.For example, on our last anniversary, i sent flowers, we spent the night at a nice hotel downtown, and had a fantastic dinner.I even bought her some lingerie.She never brought the lingerie to the hotel, and as i laid in bed that night waiting for her, she jumped into bed, rolled over, and we went to sleep!!! I dont expect sex everynight, in fact once a week would be awesome!Everytime i bring the sexissue up, she goes on the defensive, and it ends up in a fight.In fact, we spoke about it a few weeks ago, and she said, if you dont like it, you have a decision to make!!

I love her, and want our marrieage to work, but honestly, i dont know if i can continue, going down this road..

Id appreciate any comments....

I have no advice, but I can't believe how similar your situation is to mine. I was thinking: "did I write this?". The difference between you and me is that you are at least getting some.

 

You're probably committed like me and have no interest in other women. Otherwise, your decision would be easy. Hopeless feeling isn't it?

 
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August 12, 2008, 6:15 pm PDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: robbob

My wife isn't interested in being sexual. Ok, from reading the forum that's nothing unusual.

 

Since she dreads sex, she pulls away from any intimacy fearing that it will lead to sexual expectations from me. That's nothing unusual either.

 

Anyway, the end result is that I don't receive the intimacy or sexual touch that I need. Notice that I wrote "sexual touch". My wife has vulvitis due to low estrogen levels which means intercourse is extremely painful. We haven't had intercouse in 10 months.

 

But all I want is a little intimacy. Is that too much to ask? I love my wife completely. I do most of the house work. I buy her flowers, dark chocolate, go for walks with her. I never ever press her to have intercourse. I love her and don't want to hurt her.

 

The best arrangement I've been able to negotiate is a hand-job twice a month on set days - she needs notice to phsyc herself up. During which she sighs and asks "are you done yet?.

 

 We've had countless conversations about this and nothing changes. I'll admit that sometimes I have gotten so hurt and angry that I have yelled at her - and she at me.  I've been to counselling which I didn't find helpful. My feelings were validated but that doesn't change anything.

 

I can't help but feel she is being profoundly selfish. She refuses to go to counselling. She puts our sleeping one-year-old on her lap in the evenings to - imo - keep me away. She also puts the baby in our bed between us at night. She refuses to use a topical estrogen cream that would cure her vulvitis (it has cure it in the past).

 

I'm hurt and rejected. I feel unloved and unappreciated. I feel the situation is totally hopeless. If she refuses to take any steps to improve the situation, what are my options? Continue with the pain and resentment, or leave. I can't help but feel that I might be happier without her.

 

 

           Have you tried the opposite? Stop trying to please her and dote on her. Try making her feel like you don't want to have sex with her, maybe even sleep in another room or on the couch. She is obviously using her condition as an excuse. Or maybe she needs her hormone levels checked. Trust me I am in that situation that she is in right now. But I want to figure it out. In my situation, the past we had is hurting us now and I have a lot of resentment twards him that I am working on. You can yell and scream all you want but really, by the end of the day, she still isn't sleeping with you. She is just more ticked that you yelled at her. Been their, done that. I have even faked my period, to get out of it for a few more days. And if it bothering you that much, than tell her that maybe the two of you should concider other partners, because you are both not getting what you need out of your marriage. Trust me, she is milking it. Stop wasting you money and your time and see if she starts comming to you. And one more thing, you don't want your baby sleeping with you. It is a hard habbit to break. Been their and done that too!
 
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August 16, 2008, 3:01 pm PDT

Over sexed without love

Everyone complaines about not enough sex in a marriage.try havin to do it every day with someone

you fellout of love with. because if you don't do it he's hateful at you all day.

 

 
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August 17, 2008, 3:09 am PDT

kimjon & robbob?

Quote From: robbob

If your partner was a woman I'd suggest that there might be hope since changing hormone levels can influence sex drive. However, I'm inclined to think that the situation is going to deteriorate further.

 

I'm going through the same situation. I have a wife and kids though, so I don't feel as though I have options. Truthfully, if I were in your situation, knowing what I know now, I'd leave.

Sounds a little like house on the prairie?? :)

 

I think ronbob is on, kimjon. when a man loses sexual interest, it is either an emotional thing that is going on with him and he needs to talk to you or someone so that he does not neglect you or his love relationship; but if on the other hand, he is losing sexual interest in you for other reasons, not being in love with you anymore to not be attracted physically or mentally to you anymore. Either way only he can come to you and tell you what is bothering him.

 

Now it could be he has a little lover on the side and is getting his needs met there.

 

Anytime I have been in a relationship with a man and the sex got less then good, it was either something within the relationship going sour. Sex is the first and easiest tool to use when we are not happy. So lack of it or extra amounts of it, usually speak volumes.

 

You need to see the reality. Stop trying to figure it out and look at the reality. Good luck.

 
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August 18, 2008, 3:37 pm PDT

Overed Sexed

Quote From: kimikomine

Sounds a little like house on the prairie?? :)

 

I think ronbob is on, kimjon. when a man loses sexual interest, it is either an emotional thing that is going on with him and he needs to talk to you or someone so that he does not neglect you or his love relationship; but if on the other hand, he is losing sexual interest in you for other reasons, not being in love with you anymore to not be attracted physically or mentally to you anymore. Either way only he can come to you and tell you what is bothering him.

 

Now it could be he has a little lover on the side and is getting his needs met there.

 

Anytime I have been in a relationship with a man and the sex got less then good, it was either something within the relationship going sour. Sex is the first and easiest tool to use when we are not happy. So lack of it or extra amounts of it, usually speak volumes.

 

You need to see the reality. Stop trying to figure it out and look at the reality. Good luck.

Too much sex in a relationship is smothering and is drivin me away.

Could this be a sign that something is wrong also with him.

He keeps pushin watchin prone to spice up our sex life. We already do it once even twice a day.

Sometimes it feels like I'm takein a beating.

 
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August 18, 2008, 7:17 pm PDT

I feel a little crazy...

OK so I have been in a relationship for two years. These problems have been passed around in my head over and over. I know that I dwell things too much but I am afraid of getting cheating on if I havn't already been. To start out, my bf is the only man ive been with, so Im really not experienced with different lovers. My bf has female friends that he knew before me, i told him hanging out with people of the opposite sex alone isnt appropriate. When I went out of town he envists her over for drinks. I only know this because i went threw his phone. I got home that night and he wasnt there. He said he was at a friends house that I knew and envited me over. I was already home so I didnt' go.
After that I became a little paranoid. I havnt found anything concrete. Although he lied to me about texting her because I didn't like him talking to her after that and he didn't want me to get mad.
ive never found anything inapproprate.. He uses the excuse that he is too tiered to have sex but would play on his video games all night. I admite at times I might nag at him, which he says is the reason for our lack of sex
OK so that was a year and half ago. Then one day I came home and found half of a condom in the toilet. I asked him and he says that he used it to jack off, to avoid a mess. Am I being paranoid?
Are cheaters really good at covering there tracks?
 
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August 20, 2008, 3:07 am PDT

He could be a sex addict.

Quote From: wendy122

Too much sex in a relationship is smothering and is drivin me away.

Could this be a sign that something is wrong also with him.

He keeps pushin watchin prone to spice up our sex life. We already do it once even twice a day.

Sometimes it feels like I'm takein a beating.

Which may seem like a good thng but its his way of avoiding emotions. My ex used to watch porn a few times a day, have phone sex, and want sex from me as well.  He was typical of a person that wants to hide behind the endorphine release of orgasm. Its an addiction, like anything other kind.

 

If you feel like you are being abused, its because you are. Don't discount emotional abuse. A person doesn't have to hit you over the head with a bat to cause pain. He has beaten you up, only the wound is your heart.

 

If you want to stay with him, then you need to tell him if he wants to resume a sexual relationship with you he has to let go of the porn. If he doesn't then go to the nearest porn shop, buy a few dvd's for him and wish him well with his new girlfriend, his right hand.

 

I know that sounds brutal but women should not feel they have to put up with male chauvenistic behaviours. Don't you know women are the rulers of sex in relationships? Don't let him knock you down and make you question your god given right as a woman to have awsome sex. If he can't understand this, then he is a loser. Good luck.

 
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August 20, 2008, 10:10 am PDT

What if it's opposite and i'm the female sex addict ?

Quote From: kimikomine

Which may seem like a good thng but its his way of avoiding emotions. My ex used to watch porn a few times a day, have phone sex, and want sex from me as well.  He was typical of a person that wants to hide behind the endorphine release of orgasm. Its an addiction, like anything other kind.

 

If you feel like you are being abused, its because you are. Don't discount emotional abuse. A person doesn't have to hit you over the head with a bat to cause pain. He has beaten you up, only the wound is your heart.

 

If you want to stay with him, then you need to tell him if he wants to resume a sexual relationship with you he has to let go of the porn. If he doesn't then go to the nearest porn shop, buy a few dvd's for him and wish him well with his new girlfriend, his right hand.

 

I know that sounds brutal but women should not feel they have to put up with male chauvenistic behaviours. Don't you know women are the rulers of sex in relationships? Don't let him knock you down and make you question your god given right as a woman to have awsome sex. If he can't understand this, then he is a loser. Good luck.

 I don't agree that women are the rulers of sex in relationships.  I have never been able to control how much sex I got in a relationship.  Unless I was single and sleeping with multiple partners.  But men feel just as used as women. If my partner could and would i'd have sex with him up to 10 times a day with no exgeration included.  I've had the same sex drive since I was a teenager and now in my 30's.

Also, your advice to leave the guy because he has this addiction seems unfair considering he may have other qualitites that make him a great partner.  Sometimes not everything matches up perfectly including our sex drives/addictions. 

Look at it this way, are you going to leave the guy who comes home from work and watches TV all night? No? Well why not? I personally don't watch TV, so dating a man who does will not match up with me addiction wise, but that does not make him a waste of my time. Sex addiction itself does not tell the whole story of any given relationship. 

Kisses,
Ask Naughty Nikki
 
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August 21, 2008, 3:21 am PDT

Its more women have the heads up.....

Quote From: asknikki

 I don't agree that women are the rulers of sex in relationships.  I have never been able to control how much sex I got in a relationship.  Unless I was single and sleeping with multiple partners.  But men feel just as used as women. If my partner could and would i'd have sex with him up to 10 times a day with no exgeration included.  I've had the same sex drive since I was a teenager and now in my 30's.

Also, your advice to leave the guy because he has this addiction seems unfair considering he may have other qualitites that make him a great partner.  Sometimes not everything matches up perfectly including our sex drives/addictions. 

Look at it this way, are you going to leave the guy who comes home from work and watches TV all night? No? Well why not? I personally don't watch TV, so dating a man who does will not match up with me addiction wise, but that does not make him a waste of my time. Sex addiction itself does not tell the whole story of any given relationship. 

Kisses,
Ask Naughty Nikki

I understand about a high sex drive. But women definately have the control in most sexual situations. Now if a person chooses to "pay" for it, that doesn't count. It has to happen naturally. When I am with someone that I am physically attracted to, its only natural to want to be intimate with them; but sometimes we are not on the same page, actually a lot of times, so our needs have to take second place until both people feel it.

 

I think leaving a person with 'any' addiction is a smart thing to do. If a person has an addiction to tv all nite..which I do (btw) and it drove my lover crazy, I would not be suprised if he left me so that he could get sleep he needed. These are things we need to be productive in life.  I also don't think that we need to stop being friends with people that cannot meet our needs, but we also should seek what we need - that is - if its truly that important.

 

Addiction to sex is an addiction to a need to feel loved. Wanting and desiring physical contact with a person and with that comes the excitement of being sexual, is good and sex should not rule us; just like our hunger should not.  But it is very important that people feel they have a right to seek their own needs without feeling guilty or wrong about it.

 

 
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August 24, 2008, 7:52 pm PDT

Alot of questions about who you are created to be sexually

Can you change your sex drive? Is sex drive something you are born with and part of who God created you to be? If you do have a high sex drive, can lack of sex cause you dysfunction in daily life? How is sex drive realted to social anxiety?

 

I have had problems with social anxiety, being around people and interacting with them all day at work can be difficult. I feel unsatisfied by the lack of deeper relationships with people in my life.  I crave intimacy but yet am afraid of it. I think fear of sex is part of this. Any time I get too close or reveal too much to a guy I get terrified especially when being honest about my emotions.  I believe in living a Christian lifestyle and I believe having sex would lower my morals and values. I think i have a deep fear of getting pregnant because of health issues that I have also. As far a guys, I look for guys with character and a sense of humor. If sex comes first then how can you really get to know someone? I really believe that it is very important to know someone before having sex. I have old fashioned values and believe sex should be within marriage only.  I want to believe this yet, i feel my body, biological makeup is telling me something different. Does this make any sense? 

 

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