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Topic : Differing Sex Drives

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:17:33 pm
Author : dataimport
"He wants it twice a day!" "She would be happy to go a whole month without touching me." Does this sound familiar?

 
figuritout

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September 27, 2008, 6:36 pm PDT

It's a learning process

Quote From: jay7020

He's 39 and I am 45.  He spends a lot of time wondering why I don't want o have sex.  But I do want to have sex...Just when I don't he takes it as a personal slam.   Then I get very upset, obsessed with fixing the problem and Lose myself in all the drama.  I don't know why I want to be with him.   He is a good father,  works hard, is smart, doesn't drink or cheat.  He also has an ex wife who is supposed to have his kids 50% of the time but actually only has them about 20%.  I have a child 80% of the time also.  So our time alone together is limited.  He says I won't open up to him sexually....The fact is I am uncomfortable with always having the kids around.   How do people get time alone without being wracked with guilt over not being there for their kids...

Yes I had two pretty selfish parents...my mother told me when I was young that I was selfish.....Jeez...I've been to therapy, read the books, educated myself and still I can't seem to get it right.......

I wonder if any of us ever "get it right."  Anyway...let's look at all this.  I have been with someone who rarely wanted sex, so I know what it's like to be the one wondering, "Why don't you ever want sex?" 

It sounds like you two live separately, and you both have kids around most of the time.  Do you take turns going to visit the other?  Are the kids old enough to stay in their rooms at night?  I'm not sure what you mean about "alone time."  You don't have privacy in the bedroom?  Do you feel you need to go someplace where there are no children at all?  It is hard with kids roaming around the house, so I can understand what you are saying.

It sounds like you are open to him sexually--you just don't want it every time he does.  Maybe he is misinterpreting.  Is he demanding sexually?  If it's a privacy issue, will he work with you to find time without the kids--either sending them to a friend/grandma/other parent or something like that? 

You said that you become "obsessed with fixing the problem."  What do you mean?  Do you try to have sex when you aren't feeling relaxed and comfortable?  Do you force yourself to do it anyway?  Do you wonder how to increase your sex drive?  Is there a problem with your sex drive, or is it all the setting--or maybe his demands?
 
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jay7020
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September 28, 2008, 1:53 pm PDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: figuritout

I wonder if any of us ever "get it right."  Anyway...let's look at all this.  I have been with someone who rarely wanted sex, so I know what it's like to be the one wondering, "Why don't you ever want sex?" 

It sounds like you two live separately, and you both have kids around most of the time.  Do you take turns going to visit the other?  Are the kids old enough to stay in their rooms at night?  I'm not sure what you mean about "alone time."  You don't have privacy in the bedroom?  Do you feel you need to go someplace where there are no children at all?  It is hard with kids roaming around the house, so I can understand what you are saying.

It sounds like you are open to him sexually--you just don't want it every time he does.  Maybe he is misinterpreting.  Is he demanding sexually?  If it's a privacy issue, will he work with you to find time without the kids--either sending them to a friend/grandma/other parent or something like that? 

You said that you become "obsessed with fixing the problem."  What do you mean?  Do you try to have sex when you aren't feeling relaxed and comfortable?  Do you force yourself to do it anyway?  Do you wonder how to increase your sex drive?  Is there a problem with your sex drive, or is it all the setting--or maybe his demands?
  I am open to him sexually...yes I force myself even if I don't feel comfortable...I believe he is misinterpreting, my not wanting to is usually because I am exhausted from working with people all day long....If by demanding sexually you mean doing things I don't want to then no....he just wants it everyday two to three times.   I simply can't keep up....He will not get a sitter for the kids because he says the time he spends with them now is very important...I agree....but there is no time for him and me....He farms by the way....I feel as if there must be something wrong with me, something that makes him withhold what I need and want.  It is  all about him and what he wants.  If I go to bed before he does and ask him not to wake me, he does it anyway...disregarding my wishes and need for a good night's sleep...I am not too concerned with my drive because I do want to do it and  I do enjoy it...I just want some of my needs met also...like doing it in the AM instead of night....his kids are supposed to go to their mom's Sat at 6pm and then Sat night is ours....about 50% of the time he will tell me about 3 in the afternoon that plans have changed.....I am not supposed to be annoyed with this......He tries to make it look like she is the bad guy, but in truth he might have known about the plan change earlier and chose to keep the info from me.....I feel like I am expected to make this relationship work all by myself.....I desperately want to get along with him and make a life together.   My son adores him....If it was just me I would leave in  a heartbeat.....I know....don't stay for the kids......I'm at a loss 
 
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figuritout

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September 28, 2008, 6:01 pm PDT

Doesn't sound so appealing

Quote From: jay7020

  I am open to him sexually...yes I force myself even if I don't feel comfortable...I believe he is misinterpreting, my not wanting to is usually because I am exhausted from working with people all day long....If by demanding sexually you mean doing things I don't want to then no....he just wants it everyday two to three times.   I simply can't keep up....He will not get a sitter for the kids because he says the time he spends with them now is very important...I agree....but there is no time for him and me....He farms by the way....I feel as if there must be something wrong with me, something that makes him withhold what I need and want.  It is  all about him and what he wants.  If I go to bed before he does and ask him not to wake me, he does it anyway...disregarding my wishes and need for a good night's sleep...I am not too concerned with my drive because I do want to do it and  I do enjoy it...I just want some of my needs met also...like doing it in the AM instead of night....his kids are supposed to go to their mom's Sat at 6pm and then Sat night is ours....about 50% of the time he will tell me about 3 in the afternoon that plans have changed.....I am not supposed to be annoyed with this......He tries to make it look like she is the bad guy, but in truth he might have known about the plan change earlier and chose to keep the info from me.....I feel like I am expected to make this relationship work all by myself.....I desperately want to get along with him and make a life together.   My son adores him....If it was just me I would leave in  a heartbeat.....I know....don't stay for the kids......I'm at a loss 
I have to tell you...I know someone who has the same problem.  I think it would help you a lot to read her posts here on the message board.  She writes in the Abuse section.  Look up Help7979 and read as much as you can, OK?

Sometimes guys who do this have a "sexual addiction."  Have you read up on that?  I guess it doesn't matter what you call it--he's not respecting your boundaries.  When you are exhausted, you need sleep.  He should respect that.  It sounds like he doesn't bother to spend time with you, but expects sex whenever he has an urge.  That's not very flattering, is it?

It's him, really.  You are not doing anything wrong to CAUSE him to withhold giving you what you want and need.  He knows you need sleep; it's a basic need.  He knows you want some quality time with him--and I don't think you are asking for too much at all. Do you ever feel like he only wants to see you for sex?

I agree--don't stay for the kids.  Is there some guilt making you feel as if you need to stay for your son's sake?

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with sex three times a day.  It's just that people need to find partners who are a good match sexually--that's my opinion, anyway.
 
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bearkat16
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September 28, 2008, 8:31 pm PDT

thank you

Quote From: figuritout

Well, you asked for advice, so I will share my thoughts.  As a mother of teenage girls, I was happy to hear you were putting off sex with your boyfriend.  Just because you've had sex before doesn't mean you need to jump into it right away--right? 

How long have you been going out with this guy?  Has he been patient and understanding?

As far as sex drive goes, I've always had a high sex drive except when I was on birth control pills.  As I had more practice, sex was more enjoyable; that was mainly due to getting more orgasms.  A man who puts your sexual needs up as high as his own will make sure you are pleased.  If he doesn't bother to do that, then run for the hills.  It means he is selfish in more ways than one.  If you and your boyfriend end up having sex and he pays attention to what makes you feel good, you are likely to enjoy it more than you think you will.  That's just my opinion, though.  Lots of things enter into it.  This is assuming he's a good guy--someone you can trust.

I'm not sure what else to say.  Does this help at all?

yes it helps quite a lot. I'm so happy that you were understanding about this considering that you a mother of girls. my own mother would freak out if she ever knew that i was thinking about having sex again. I'v actually talked to him about it and he is completely understanding about the entire situation. he even said that he was willing to wait until i was completely ready to have sex with him for thefirst time. i'm so glad that i got your advice thank you so much. also i have been with him for about a month and a half and he treats me like a queen. right now i dont think that i could ask for a better boyfriend. Thank You so much, it means the world to me that you took the time to give such great advice
 
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bearkat16
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September 29, 2008, 1:46 am PDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: whsrachel

My husband never wants sex...we have been married for almost 20 years.  I am 46 and want it all the time.  Do you think he is cheating?  He does not seem the type.  What could it be?  I am about 20 lbs. overweight- could that be it?  Help-
i truly do not believe that your husband is cheating. maybe he is just bored with your sex life, and it needs to be spiced up. try for now just rubbing down his back before sex. Or suggest that you take a bath together and make a move. Also a sexy shower always helps me when i want to get my boyfriend in the sac. just try it, nothing could hurt...:) message back and tell me if it goes well...or if it goes at all haha. just kidding. :P
 
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figuritout

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chillin'
September 29, 2008, 5:05 pm PDT

You're welcome

Quote From: bearkat16

yes it helps quite a lot. I'm so happy that you were understanding about this considering that you a mother of girls. my own mother would freak out if she ever knew that i was thinking about having sex again. I'v actually talked to him about it and he is completely understanding about the entire situation. he even said that he was willing to wait until i was completely ready to have sex with him for thefirst time. i'm so glad that i got your advice thank you so much. also i have been with him for about a month and a half and he treats me like a queen. right now i dont think that i could ask for a better boyfriend. Thank You so much, it means the world to me that you took the time to give such great advice

So far, the guy sounds pretty good!  He should be patient, so that's a good sign.  You really may end up loving it and not have a problem at all.  In case I didn't mention it (although someone else did earlier), things like birth control pills can lower your sex drive.  When I was on them, I noticed that.  I guess it's because it prevents ovulation (unless I'm wrong on that) and ovulation is when my sex drive is the highest.  Without it, I didn't have the strong urge I'd usually have at that time.  I had the same trouble with the Depoprovera shot (and a 3 month headache!) and Prozac (tried it a few years ago). 

Good luck.  I hope things go well for you.  If he doesn't work out, remember there are lots of other guys to consider.  My main bit of advice for the day:  Love yourself and don't tolerate those who don't feel the same way about you.  You can't change their opinions, but you can usually avoid them. 
 
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figuritout

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September 29, 2008, 5:07 pm PDT

Good ideas

Quote From: bearkat16

i truly do not believe that your husband is cheating. maybe he is just bored with your sex life, and it needs to be spiced up. try for now just rubbing down his back before sex. Or suggest that you take a bath together and make a move. Also a sexy shower always helps me when i want to get my boyfriend in the sac. just try it, nothing could hurt...:) message back and tell me if it goes well...or if it goes at all haha. just kidding. :P
I like your ideas.  Nothing like that ever worked for my husband, though.  He would get aroused and still refuse to have sex!  He'd let me massage him and fall asleep!  I couldn't believe it.  Some guys just don't care for sex.
 
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figuritout

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September 29, 2008, 5:15 pm PDT

Mine is the same way

Quote From: whsrachel

MY HUSBAND OF 20 YEARS NEVER WANTS TO HAVE SEX...WE HAVE GONE 6 MONTHS AND THEN ONE NIGHT- WE HAVE SEX-GREAT SEX 3 OR 4 TIMES.  DO YOU THINK HE'S CHEATING?  HE SAYS HE DOES NOT EVEN MASTURBATE...PLEASE SOMEONE HELP.

 

ALSO, DOES A DR. NEED TO TELL A WIFE IS THE HUSBAND HAS A S.T.D.?

Same here.  I know what you're saying.  I can't say we ever have "great" sex, but it's OK when he wants it.  It's very basic and focused on himself.  He will go months and then want it 2 times in a row, then not again for a long time.  I know he's not cheating; I've spent enough time looking for signs.  He doesn't masturbate, either.  He says he has no drive but won't get help.  I've given up on him, but not on all men.

I would ask your doctor's office the question about STDs.  You can start by asking what their policy is if a husband comes in and is diagnosed with something.  Do you suspect your husband of having one?  Does he have signs?

Has he been like this all 20 years?  How old was he when he married you? 
 
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lovely08
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October 4, 2008, 10:37 pm PDT

Differing Sex Drives

I am 19 and my husband is 27. We have been married for a little over a year. At the beginning our sex life was great, now it is pretty much non-existent. You would think that it would be great being that we are both young. I found out in January that I was pregnant and I have recently had our beautiful daughter (c-section).  Even a couple months prior to me finding out I was prego, it started going down hill. I would probably say alot has to do with me and being so shy. I am  so self-conscious about myself and I get so embarrased when it comes down to sex. Me and my husband can talk about it but when it comes down to it, I constantly think that he is always judging my body. Im not really sure how to break my shyness. Anybody have any advice. Im young and I dont want this to affect our marriage..
 
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coachjoeh
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October 13, 2008, 7:58 pm PDT

Something is wrong here.

Quote From: roxy87

Hello... I am 21, and my boyfriend is 23.. I would think we would be very sexaully active but we are not! We have been together for 4 years and we had been sexually active for a bit in the relationship.. but eventually sex declined alot! I thought and blamed our problem with living at college or living with parents.. which is understandable. We just recently got our first place together in april and I thought our sex life would come alive! But still nothing.. when I ask for it he says hes tired... WHAT? we are young! I also find myself as a pretty girl and do not understand the problem.. we will have sex perhaps once a week and thats because I yell at him or make him feel as though he is not a man. I feel he only has sex with me to shut me up. Since we have moved in, I have caught him looking at porn twice.. why would he be looking at porn if he has no sexual desire towards me? I have tried sexy lingerie.. he says "what the hell are you wearing" and trying to get him the mood by touching and rubbing him.. and getting the response " can i help you? "(moody) and rolling back over. I dont understand.. what should I do? I know he loves me.. are we just destined for friendship? but I know that this problem is really lowering my self esteem and making me insecure because I feel like I am not desireable anymore.. and im only 21..... AHHHHHH

I'm 39 years old, but I remember being in my early 20's.  I NEVER refused sex from my girlfriends at that age.  Hell, I don't refuse it now!  I don't want to be the bad guy here, but you asked for advise, so I'm telling you what I think. 

 

The only way I can imagine refusing sex from my girlfriend/wife is if I have someone else on the side.  You said he's watching porn. That shows he still has interest in sex.  If he's refusing sex with you, I can only guess he's having sex with someone else. 

 

I can't say that's what is happening.  I don't know either of you.  You just have to look at that facts.  My wife accuses me a lot of cheating.  But the facts remain that I work from 8 - 5 every weekday.  I am always home by 5:30, I don't go to the bars, and on the weekends I am at home.  There isn't any time for me to cheat.  So, though her accusations are hurtful, I know I'm not so I let it pass.

 

Is there time missing in his day?  If he gets off work at a certain time but doesn't come home right away, you may want to questions that.  Are there times he's away but you don't know where?  Again, question it.

 

Someone already mentioned communication.  That is the key to any relationship;  you have to talk.  About anything..  There is no taboo subject.  You have to be comfortable talking about anything.  If he won't talk, that is a sure sign of guilt.  Move on.  You said you are a pretty woman.   Then don't waste you're time with a man who doesn't appreciate that.  There are so many others out there who will.
 
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