Topic : Differing Sex Drives

Hello, I am a young girl about 24 and I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. I love him very much but, he wants me to gain weight. I am only 5'3 and I stay around 115bls. I’m not bone skinny either. I have always been a little self-conscious and for me gaining weight is making me feel bad. I feel his desire for larger women has become a big issue in our relationship. I don’t know if I should just suck it up because I am being to vain or if this is some sort of abuse. He tells me that he loves me and I am very pretty but he doesn’t find me sexually attractive. I find myself telling him I want to do this for him just to make him happy because he makes me feel so bad if I don’t. He will not even look at me if he doesn’t think I’m trying to gain weight. I would like it if he would just accept me and not have expectations. I understand if someone has a preference but he has me felling very much tormented inside.

            What should I do? Am I being to selfish?

Thank you all for your time. 

the main problem is your relationship, not the amount of sex you want or don't want. If he is an alcoholic then why are you scared that he might leave you? Seems like he has turned you off totally, sepecially since you say you think about sex and want it but when it comes down to having sex with him you don't want it. You might be doing yourself and him a favor if you left. 

Untill he gets help for this drinking(maybe AA) and you get some help(maybe Alanon)to deal with how erroded your relationship is...you won't be getting your sex drive back anytime soon. Good luck ~Red 

do actually prefer big women. Others use it as a way to control their women. They think that if they get them fat enough, no one would look at them. This makes them feel secure, see he may be a very insecure guy who doesn't trust that you love him for him.... And he should love you for you, the way you are and have been for 8 yrs! Time to rethink the time you have invested in someone who wants you to change how you look. Your only 24 and much too young to waste any more time with someone who doesn't find you sexually attractive. Why would you even consider making yourself feel so terrible just to please some need he has? 

Turn the tables and find something that you know he would hate to have to do and tell him you want him to do it or else... I bet you'd find him walking away with the door hitting him in the azz on the way out!  

thank you for your reply. i have no one i can really talk to about my problem/problems with my boyfriend. so this is very helpful to me. 

thanx again 

sillygirly 

i think it sounds like you are not interested in sex because you have so many feelings of anger/stress twards your husband. i have experanced the same with my boyfriend of 8 years. he has stressed me out so much i cant even look at him. do you feel like this? about his drinking? i think you should not feel pressure to have to do it in an exstreem way. i feel alot of a womens sex drive rests in her head, your not happy and its effecting your sex life. its ok to think of yourself. 

good luck  

sillygirly 

 Am not sure how to start this post. My fiances has depression and is takeing welbutrin, but the medication has killed her sex drive, she ok with with us holding each other but anything more and theres nothing. It feels like have to break thou a brick wall to get her instested in me sexualy. I have no clue what to do.  

 Any adive would be sooo usefule. I have no intation of breaking up with her.... 

Okay, this is tough.  I have a hubby that wants a skinny wife and I am not her.  For the past three years he hasn't really touched me unless I am aggresive about it.  He then asks that I perform oral and guess what happens.  Well, he gets taken care of  and I don't.  Now, he is asking me to try to find a way to swallow.  As he put it, that would be his ultimate fantasy.  But, I am now having a hard time even wanting to give him that because I am getting no reponse back.  Help, should I just keep taking care of him even though I get nothing.  Or should I lose the weight and hope that he will start touching me again?   

Well, yes, I am overweight.  I have always had problems.  But about ten years ago, due to asthma problems I was placed on Prednisone and my weight went up.  Then to top it off I was diagnosed with Lupus.  Well, the best way we have found to control the immune responses is for me to take a daily dose of Prednisone.  This is a steroid medication that suppresses the immune system, but has side effects like weight gain, depression, food cravings and an inability to lose the weight.  So, when I gained the initial weight, he slowed down on touching me.  Now I have gain up to 255.  And when I hurt really bad, I have told him no. But, that has been very rare.   

Yes, we do have kids together.  And yes, you can make babies without passion.  I know he isn't gay, he just hates the way I look.  What brought it all to a head was a comment he made the other night.  We were watching a commercial on BBC America and it was a very obese lady seducing a man.  You see her in a towel and then she removes the towel, yes, strategic covers were in place but you get the idea.  The look on her face was one of want and then it ends.  Well, my husband looks over a says 'Hey, that what you look like naked."  then he goes, 'oh I was kidding. ' Well, I know that he wasn't and I know that he is a man who says what he means.  So, now what.  I have tried for the past six months to exercise four to six times week and my gym and I have toned up some, but no drastic weight loss.  I just don't know what else to do.  I guess I just keep trying to lose the weight and try to control the eating and go on.  It just kills me inside to think that the one person I should be loved by doesn't because he is repulsed by me.   Thanks for listening. 

for better or worse. I too have lupus..a horrible disease to say the least! Prednisone is almost as bad as the Lupus itself...I gained 20lbs the first 6mths...and although I was loosing some selfesteem, my husband has been wonderful and helpful when I couldn't do up so much as the button on my blouse without crying. 

I was loosing hair, and growing it on my face, even the shape of my face changed within the first 2wks on the stuff. I finially told my Dr. enough! He cut me down to 1/2 pill a day and the food cravings stopped and I am now starting to loose weight. Now if I go into another "flareup" then I will have to go back on more prednisone to stop the pain...but for now I am doing better, emotionally and physically on the lower dosage. Have you tried Plaquinal or Methotrexate? 

Your Hubby is selfish,,, to bad, because its making your life stressfull and they say thats the one thing we as people with Lupus need to avoid like the plague is STRESS. Maybe he needs to be more involved with your disease, by that I mean, needs to be educated... whats he going to be like 6yrs from now when you may be in a wheelchair or on dialisis(sp)?? He needs to know that sex isn't all one sided and you have needs also. Time to sit him down and spell it out,,,,~good luck