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Topic : Differing Sex Drives

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:17:33 pm
Author : dataimport
"He wants it twice a day!" "She would be happy to go a whole month without touching me." Does this sound familiar?

 
toolong
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May 27, 2006, 3:24 pm PDT

changing sex drives

Quote From: vibeoh

i feel for you.  I seem to know exactly what you are going through.  I am 24 years old.  My husband and I had a great sex life.  Then, I got pregnant and that was the end of my sex drive.  He wanted sex all the time, even when I was pregnant and I didn't.  But, I always gave in.  I think that because I had an emotionally rough pregnancy, that I resent him now.  Then, I ended up with a c-section.  After our daughter was born, the sex drive did not return for me.  All we fight about is sex.  Before we were married, he wanted anal.  I agreed and we tried it, but I didn't like it.  Since the birth of our daughter, I have tried it several other times, but I still do not like it and do not want to even discuss it.  We fight about this ALL the time.  Sex hurts me.  It hurts all the time.  I end up with yeast infections frequently.  Our sex life is going to be the end of us.  If it wasn't for our daughter, we wouldn't be together now.  I know that shouldnt' be a reason to stay together, but it is holding us together for now.

I'm a guy.I don't know how many guys are on here. This is my first post. I came here looking for some help or some answers to a particular problem. Well, this sex drive topic is a huge part of it. My wife and I had a very good sex life before her first pregnancy. It was fairly often, always fun and sometimes a little adventurous. Anyway, that was 13 years ago. It has never recovered. I want her to want me and to do it. I don't want her to feel like she has to or that it's a chore. That's what it is to her. We fight about it all of the time and I do belive that it will be the end of us. To make matters worse, she has cheated on me about 5 years ago. It was mostly emotional but did get physical to a point. Now I'm faced with dealing with the fact that she doesn't want sex with me but did with another man. It's even more important to me. With me, it's not just sex. I could masturbate or cheat on her. It's sex with her. The closeness and intimacy and even a little fun or adventure. She will do nothing other than one of us on top of the other and will not wear any lingerie at all. She even says things like "Let's get this over with." What a turn-off. I would consider your man lucky that you at least tried anal or whatever he requested. And several times at that.I can't even give oral. I don't know what to do. Any advice? Anything she should try? Anything I should try? Can anybody let me in on her side of the story and her perspective? Oh yeah, in the last year I did catch her starting to fool around with somebody else. Nothing too serious. Anyway, she came back to me and went crazy in the bedroom for 5 days and then, after she "had me back, " she stopped and it's never come even close to that since that time 6 months ago. I am almost ready to cheat on her to satisfy the part of me that needs the closeness and intimacy, but still stay with her. She's the one I want but we can't agree on this and it just causes us both to be unhappy. At least, if I cheat, maybe we could be happy. I don't really want to do that. We are 34 and 32. 
 
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d33_d33
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May 27, 2006, 5:01 pm PDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: wldflower

what do you do if someone you are with sex drive is not there and sometimes you feel like its you or there something wrong with him ,,,   

 I know how this feels. With me and my boyfriend, I am the one who has the higher sex drive. I could go for sex like 3-4 times a week, but I get it once every 1-2 weeks. I always feel like I am not attractive enough for him. Like I do not turn him on and what not. I always ask him what's wrong, and if so is it me? He always tells me it's not, it's just that he doesn't wanna do it all the time. And I understand that he probably just has a lower sex drive than I do, but it can still be very frustrating for me because I'm always paranoid that there is something wrong with me and I start to feel self-consious and very unattractive.

On the other hand, maybe he doens't like to do it a lot because I try to innitiate a lot and maybe he gets annoyed with me. :/ I dunno
 
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karisoto
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May 27, 2006, 5:05 pm PDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: messagrl21

My sex drive used to be wild. I can honestly say I had a lot of fun in my day.The problem is that My husband does not share the same feelings and we have gone to sex maybe twice a month, to maybe twice a year. I am 27 years old and I can't see living the rest of my life like this. I'm hurt from the rejection, I don't feel attreactive anymore, and I have gained weight.  I feel lost because in parenting, marriage, career, I am so busy taking care of everybody else I've forgotten who I am and neglected to take care of my own needs.
Oh my gosh... it's like you are talking about me.  I feel some what embarrassed when other girlfriends are talking about how their men pester them for sex and mine doesn't.  I feel like the guy in the relationship.  I have always had a healthy appetite and my husband loved the fact that I initiated sex most of the time.  Now I find myself wanting to binge on cookies when he rejects me.  He has some what of a strenuous job and for the most part he is a great father and we are best friends. I have explained my feelings to him but nothing comes of it.  Everyone talks about cheating and I could never live with myself . He doesn't deserve that either, but I feel like something is wrong with me!!! I'm only 26 and have one child.  Most women I read about lose their sex drive after pregnancy, mine never faltered.  You are the first women I heard from with the same problem.
 
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poptart2go
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May 27, 2006, 9:02 pm PDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: karisoto

Oh my gosh... it's like you are talking about me.  I feel some what embarrassed when other girlfriends are talking about how their men pester them for sex and mine doesn't.  I feel like the guy in the relationship.  I have always had a healthy appetite and my husband loved the fact that I initiated sex most of the time.  Now I find myself wanting to binge on cookies when he rejects me.  He has some what of a strenuous job and for the most part he is a great father and we are best friends. I have explained my feelings to him but nothing comes of it.  Everyone talks about cheating and I could never live with myself . He doesn't deserve that either, but I feel like something is wrong with me!!! I'm only 26 and have one child.  Most women I read about lose their sex drive after pregnancy, mine never faltered.  You are the first women I heard from with the same problem.
This sounds just like me too--however my husband agreed to visit our doctor for a physical. We discovered that he was not producing enough testerone. Problem solved, right? WRONG!!! After taking a prescription, than reading the side effects, I decided I wanted him to quit the drugs, and his life meant more to me than intimacy. Besides the fact he has learned to show his love for me in other way. I have learned to live with it. I want a companion for life!!
 
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poetkitty
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May 28, 2006, 3:38 am PDT

so confusing

Like pretty much everything else in my life, I'm pretty ambivalent about my sex life. My husband never initiates sex but when I do, and we do have sex, I find we really connect well and it's great. We've been married for 20 years, so this is a good thing! The problem is his lack of initiation. But I also know that he rarely feels 'entitled' to initiate sex because we don't really connect well in other areas. He comes home from work exhausted - he works 10 - 12 hours days plus an hour commute - so he tends to come home and plop on the couch and turn on the t.v. So much for intimacy! I resent his 'tuning out' as soon as he comes home, but I also understand it on some level. So I feel empathy for him, and contempt for him all at the same time! Part of me wants him to throw me on the bed and rip my clothes off, and part of me gets pissy if he puts his arm around me! It's sooooooooo confusing! Does anyone else relate to this? It's emotionally exhausting because I'm constantly feeling like I should be trying harder to relate to him. But I also resent being the one to make things happen in the bedroom!
 
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toolong
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May 28, 2006, 8:40 am PDT

Agreed

Quote From: poetkitty

Like pretty much everything else in my life, I'm pretty ambivalent about my sex life. My husband never initiates sex but when I do, and we do have sex, I find we really connect well and it's great. We've been married for 20 years, so this is a good thing! The problem is his lack of initiation. But I also know that he rarely feels 'entitled' to initiate sex because we don't really connect well in other areas. He comes home from work exhausted - he works 10 - 12 hours days plus an hour commute - so he tends to come home and plop on the couch and turn on the t.v. So much for intimacy! I resent his 'tuning out' as soon as he comes home, but I also understand it on some level. So I feel empathy for him, and contempt for him all at the same time! Part of me wants him to throw me on the bed and rip my clothes off, and part of me gets pissy if he puts his arm around me! It's sooooooooo confusing! Does anyone else relate to this? It's emotionally exhausting because I'm constantly feeling like I should be trying harder to relate to him. But I also resent being the one to make things happen in the bedroom!
Well, I am the one that has to initiate with my wife. I'm also the one that one that works the 10-12 hours a day and commutes an hour each way. Most of the time, she doesn't even stay up. When she does, I think it's a lock but it isn't. She expresses to me that she want so have a drive and initiate and have a good time but she also says that she just doesn't like me to touch her. So, I initiate, she never does, and she feels the same way you do. I don't know about the clothes ripping off part. I wish. We've been married for 13 years. The other big difference for us is that it ends up being a struggle from the minute I try right through to almost climax. It' tales that long for her just to loosen up enough to enjoy herself. And then, still no real connection. I wish there was but it's really pretty empty. I've tried a million things and she really could care less about sex no matter what.  
 
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toolong
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May 28, 2006, 8:56 am PDT

Same

Quote From: amanda252

im 25 my husband is 28, to him getting everyday, 10 times a day would b great. but to me, yes i could go a month without it. it has caused fights, not talking for 1/2 a day and just plain sucks. i have 2 kids and when it is bedtime i am woshiping my pillow, i love to do it in the morning, nice and refreshed. where he likes at night, so if anyone has a answer to the question, let me know.
This is the same for my wife and I. I like it at night and she likes the morning. I can deal with this if she allows the night thing once in a while. It would also help if the morning thing would happen a little more often. What I miss in the morning is that there is no build-up.
 
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shortcam

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May 28, 2006, 10:32 am PDT

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only 1

I've been married almost 13 years in a few months. I have 3 children.  My husband is a Truckdriver and is gone several nights a week. He used to be gone 2 weeks at a time and I went without sex shile he was gone. I get to where there are times I good forever without sex but not him. I don't have orgasams. I know that that bothers him but I don't know what to do. I love my husband but he also likes to look at pron every now and then and that bothers me also.  So please help with any advice that you may have. He says that I satisfy him but I feel very different about it.
 
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gemfaith
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May 28, 2006, 12:52 pm PDT

it's not all about sex

hey, i'm new so bear with me. i've been dating my boyfriend for 1 1/2 yrs now. we're both divorced w/3 kids so life is hectic. i have a healthy sex drive, i always have. when i was married, it had become non-existent. it was my fault, i didn't want to. but now, i'm the one that wants it, but he doesn't. often times, when i've made subtle hints throughout the day about 'nite' things, we'll get into bed, & he'll say 'god, am i tired' telling me he's not interested, so i won't inititate anything, but yet we'll stay up for an hour & watch tv. i'm beginning to take it personally & think maybe it's me he doesn't want. several months ago, we had a problem w/him looking at porn, & he told me that he'd rather look at that & masturbate then have sex w/me. he hasn't looked at it in awhile, i don't think, but we make love 3 x/month, that's it. he always says to me, 'it's always about sex with you isn't it' but that's not it. i just want to share our love together & be intimate w/him, not just have an orgasm. the other thing is oral sex. i'm big on oral sex for foreplay & enjoy giving & receiving, but he only likes to receive. once in a great while, he'll give, but maybe once every 6 months, while i give him oral almost every time we make love. he likes to tease & arouse me, but when it comes time, he's too tired, too sore, not feeling well, etc. i'm certainly no prude. place, position, i'm all for. the only thing i have a problem w/is porn. i think it's disguisting and i don't want that to have to be the way he'll touch me is if he watches another woman, to me that's not making love. i'm attractive, though not stunning, i'm not overweight though my kids have had their effects on my body, so what is wrong w/me? I just don't know what to do anymore. & yes, i have talked to him about this, but nothing changes...any suggestions
 
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wldflower
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May 28, 2006, 2:09 pm PDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: d33_d33

 I know how this feels. With me and my boyfriend, I am the one who has the higher sex drive. I could go for sex like 3-4 times a week, but I get it once every 1-2 weeks. I always feel like I am not attractive enough for him. Like I do not turn him on and what not. I always ask him what's wrong, and if so is it me? He always tells me it's not, it's just that he doesn't wanna do it all the time. And I understand that he probably just has a lower sex drive than I do, but it can still be very frustrating for me because I'm always paranoid that there is something wrong with me and I start to feel self-consious and very unattractive.

On the other hand, maybe he doens't like to do it a lot because I try to innitiate a lot and maybe he gets annoyed with me. :/ I dunno

my husband sex drive some times tthere and sometimes not there like i have sex with him a week and then nothing for a month , i don't have high sex drive i just don't understand when his with other girls before me or when he left me his sex drive was fine then with me its different he has not sex drive this has been going on for almost 5 years and we just got back together after he left me for his exs , I feel like its me or its me he says its not me but come on he has a sex drive when he wasn't with me and then he ask me back and has no sex drive , 

  

I don't no its sometimes hard for me to understand 
 
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