Topic : Differing Sex Drives

Hello, 

  

I am having the same problem but I am the one who has the low sex drive.  I love my boyfriend very much, but I do not feel as attracted to him any more, , but I am not sure whether I do not feel attractive or if I am not attracted to him.  I have started working out, but things are not improving.  We have not had sex in over a month, and eventhough my boyfriend tells me he loves me, I know that I am not fulfilling his needs sexually.  I am not sure what I should do. 

The problems could be a lull. This is for you, and the person who answered your post. First there could be medical reasons for this. Certain medications can lower sex drive. A drop in testosterone can be another. These should be addressed with a doctor. Stress can cause a drop in sex drive as well. If there is something that is causing more stress in ones life it can decrease the sex drive. Being tired is another area that can cause a drop in sexual desire. Is his job outside? The summer heat can sap strength and it is exceptionally hotter already this year. 

  

Now for things that could spice up the relationship. One thing you may want to try is get a motel/hotel room even if in your own home town. Sometimes just a different place can help spark some action in this area. Other things that could work, is role playing. Set up a scenario and play it out. Trying different positions or act themselves can rejuvenate sexual activity. 

 

The key is to talk to him about this and do it not in the bedroom, but somewhere where there is no threat of you bringing this up to have sex right then. Find out if there is anything different that could improve the sex life. Ask questions that are open ended. In other words not questions that he can answer just a yes or no to. Ask specific questions. Try to find out what turn ons that you are not doing would help. 

 

I hope this helps. Good luck, and keep us posted. 

i am a new bride..just been married two months. My problem is that my husband is not interested in initiating sex. I have to ask. On our honeymoon too, he just preffered to watch tv and ignore me. It was so bad that we were only intimate once during the whole time he wa here with me. He is stationed in another country, so this complicates  the situation.  We discussed this problem, and he said that I intimidate him. Also that sex is not that important to him! Looking at his past, he didnot have this much trouble. He says he is very attracted to me and loves me alot, so I cannot understand this. He suffers from a skin condition and is on medication. We checked the medication, but they dont mention any sexual side effects. he is constantly tired too. I am not sure if it is his upbringing too. He is very rigid and not flexible when it comes to sex let alone talking about it. Please help! I feel like it has something to do with me. 

  I am not sure what is the matter with me, but I just don't like sex anymore.  I can somewhat enjoy oral sex, but penatration does nothing for me. I have been married for almost 3 years, and have 2 children. My husband is always the one who initiates sex, but I am never turned on with just touching. I feel like I need more. Is this normal? I feel I need mental foreplay instead of just the physical. We never have fun together anymore. He used to "treat me like a queen" when we were dating and we used to have sex lots then, but now I feel like I am just in existance, and when he wants sex, I just give in. I even cried in the middle of sex here a while back. He asked what was wrong, and I gave him some lame exuse.  Is there anyone out there who feels the same? What am I supposed to do? Just give in every once in a while? I know it is starting to affect him. Last night he woke me up with touching.. I was just so tired!!  When he went for it, he couldn't keep an erection and got very frustrated and mad.  I love my husband, but just don't enjoy sex anymore. HELP!!!!

You have done the right thing by talking to him about the situation. Many don't even do that. You mention he is rigid about sex, and yes it could be his upbringing. Some people are taught to feel guilty about sex, or that sex is dirty, instead of a wonderful thing to be shared between two people. Another thing that can cause problems in intimacy is some sort of sexual abuse. That is an area, if true, he may never be comfortable revealing. I wonder if his skin condition is causing these feelings more than anything else.  

  

This sexual problem is something the two of you should have worked on/out prior to getting married. That said, now the problem should be addressed, but you need to be careful as to not allow it to sound like you are putting pressure on him. Men are very sensitive about their sexual abilities, and our egos about sex are fragile. Try and talk to him about his in a non accusatory way. Bring the subject up at a time when sex would not be an option so he might open up, knowing you are not expecting sex at that time. The biggest thing when discussing this is to make him feel safe at talking to you about it. 

 

It sounds like you have done the right things thus far, and I hope my suggestion will at least give you some food for thought. Good luck, and keep us posted. Your situation may help many others with the same problem. 

You may want to make an appointment to see if all is okay with you physically. Talk to your doctor about this and see what the doctor has to say. Another thing that may be a problem is, is your husband taking his time with foreplay? Foreplay should be a major part of the whole experience. Him taking his time and exploring your body gently with his hands, as if he were a blind man exploring something new. He should listen to your body with his hands and mouth, gently kissing and caressing you a little at a time and attempting to read from your body's reaction what feels good and what is not a turn on. Is he attempting to romance you? One of my favorite things to do for the woman in my life, when there is a woman in my life, is to cook her a nice meal, and at the end of the meal, run a nice bath for my lady. Then I light a bunch of candles in the bathroom and put some nice mood music on in the bathroom. I escort my lady to the bath and allow her to soak and relax to the candles and music and warm bath. While she is soaking I clean up the dishes and kitchen. I place some nice body oils in warm water to heat up while she is soaking. After about a 45 minute soak, I go in and wash her body, and depending on the lady in my life, I may even shave her legs. Then I will rinse her and dry her body off and take her to the bedroom where I will give her a nice body massage, and place the total focus on her, and not my own needs, so to speak. This is as much a turn on for me as it is for the woman in my life, and if a man is truly thinking properly, it should be for them. Nothing is more of a turn on for me, than to know I am turning on my woman.  

  

Maybe he is becoming selfish in his attempts of love making, and is that is the case, you need to let him know. You need to let him know what you are missing, what you enjoy, and what you do not. Communications is the cornerstone of any relationship, and without it, a relationship will wilt and die. 

  

I don't know if any of the things I have mentioned will be helpful, but I hope it is at least enough food for thought to direct you in the right direction. Good luck, and great sex! 

  

I think that I can safely say to you that there is nothing wrong with you... The reason you dont enjoy sex anymore is because sex is about love & sharing something special with someone. If your partner is not giving you what you need emotionally, of course you can not be with him Physically!! 

  

I know its easier said than done, but why not try talking to your husband about this...try comprimising. Tell him if he makes more of an effort (such as kissing you intensly, or taking you to dinner) then you will be more open (excuse the pun!) for more sex!!!  

  

Your husband needs it to be pointed out that the more love he shows you, the more "love" you will give him. 

  

The reason you are not enjoying sex is because you are not getting all you need from the relationship, on all levels. 

  

 Jyenny,
Thanks for your insight. It really strikes a chord with me. I have been frustrated for a year that my husband doesn't seem interested in sex, and have complained about it (brought it up three times) over the last several months. It just ends in an arguement and no progress. I think you're right, that i'm probably hurting him by complaining about it, but what about the over 6 months when i didn't say anything? I dont' want to hurt him or make him feel inadequate, but this affects my mood daily, as well as my feelings about the future - because i know i don't want to live like this forever. I want to suggest counseling because i know it's at least half my fault for not being able to express what i need in a positive way, but fear if i suggest it, he'll again feel attacked or like he's the problem (which i do often feel he is, and when we fight about it, i'm sure that comes across unfortunately).
I slept in the other room last night. i told him it was nothing he did. i just can't stand anymore to sleep next to the man who doesn't want me.
to clarify, he treats me wonderfully in every other way, am i wrong to desire some romance or anything related to this area?

I've been seeing this man, I say seeing but hard to do over long distance, for over a year. At first he was all gungho for me, he wanted me sexually all the time. Then it slowed a lot, I found out he was cheating on me! He came to visit me we had sex to some degree, he wasnt all that attracted to me even though he claimed he was. He went back home sex became even less now since hes been back home its almost not there at all he tells me hes tired all the time bull, I think hes still cheating. My sex drive has always been very high his was always low but now its almost gone all together now. Frankly every time I talk to a man about this they all tell me is he gay?! And that every man wants sex and if he doesnt it means hes either getting it from somewhere else or hes just not that into you. He also isnt all that empithic towards me nore is he romantic either nore does he want to marry me frankly I think I should look for a new man what do you all think?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now.  I currently live with my mom while Im waiting for my house to be built.  My boyfriend spends pretty much every nite with me at my moms house.  It has been very stressful living with my mom she isnt the easiet person to get along with.  When my boyfriend and I first got together the sex was wonderful and romantic but as time wore out my boyfriend increasingly pulled away from me sexually.  He says its cause he is depressed and stressed out.  Its been now almost 3 mos since we last had sex and Im becoming very frustrated over that.  He says as soon as I get into my own house things will be different.  I just dont know what to think.  How can you help me with this or what advice can you give?