My husband and I were married 9 months ago. When we first hooked up, the sex was, well, so-so. Things improved and wowza! We got engaged, and still the sex life was amazing. But then I got pregnant. The frequency and quality diminished to a noncommittal quickie every six weeks. I spent more time in the first 8 months of our marriage crying on the couch at night than I did in the arms of my husband. When I would touch him, he would assume that I was after sex, and I was denied so many times that I didn't even want to hug him anymore. A month ago, he woke up at 3:30 AM and found me in teh middle of one of my allnight bawlfests. He asked me if this is why I have been so tired, and I of course told him that it was in fact the real reason. It wasn't really the baby as I had been telling him. I had talked to him during the day before about how being denied 95% of the time, and the other 5% feeling like he was just doing it to get me to shut up, but nothing had changed. That night, I told him the absolute truth - that my fear of showing him affection was destroying an important part of me, I was denying myself (which went against one of my marriage vows - to stay true to myself, him, our family and my Faith), and that if we didn't go for marriage counselling or find some way to revive the intimacy in our marriage (and not just sex), that I was going to have to leave. I hate ultimatums. I really do. But I couldn't hack feeling ugly and unwanted, and that I had to suppress myself when I wanted to express how I felt, be it through a hug or all-out sex. I also told him that had I known that I would have to destroy part of myself to exist in this marriage, it would not have happened. I explained that I sometimes make up bullcacky excuses as to why I seem angry, when in reality it's because I resent that while I was pregnant, he was more interested in loving himself in the shower than he was in making love with me.
We have a looooooooooooong road ahead of us.
