Topic : Differing Sex Drives

I have a problem i hope someone can give me some advice on.my husband and i have been married for 6almost 7 years and it has been rocky.He works a basic 8 hr job and i am a stay at home motyer of four.I cook clean, do the laundry take care of the dog and so on and so on.anyway I get no help from him.when he comes home from work he is either on the computer or asleep.When i finally get the kids to bed i am so tired i just want to sleep.he wants sex all night! I am just so wore out everynight from doing everything i am not in the mood! he is threatening to go get it else where but if he would just help me out a little around the house which he refuses to do it might not have to be that way! does anyone have any advice on what to do next??  

First of all - he needs to stop threatening to "get it elsewhere'... my guess is that's not working out so well for you. 
Based on how you said "He works a basic 8 hours job and I am a stay at home mother of four" I'm guessing that you think that what you do is harder than what he does.... and I'm not saying that it's not...  However, isn't it wonderful that your husband is willing to go out and be the breadwinner so that you CAN stay at home and nurture your children while they are young?  What I'm saying is that you may have to change your thinking a bit.  Being a stay at home mom is hard work, heck, being a mom is hard work!  But I think sometimes we, as mom's get the martyr complex... "I cook, I clean, I do all the laundry, I try to keep a nice home, I do all the grocery shopping, I mow the lawn, I leap tall buildings in a single bound... and at the end of the day, no one says 'thanks'".  The appreciation for that comes many years later when we send our babes out into the world and THEN they come back and tell us thanks for all the things that we did....
Sit down with a calendar and schedule your week.  Put everything that you need to do daily on your calendar... Talk to your husband about how frequently he feels you should be having sex (yes, it will feel like negotiating - but that's ok).  If he says 3-4 times a week... make sure that on 3-4 days a week, you redistribute some of the work so that you DO have energy to make love to your husband.  It IS important.  How old are your kids?  Can they help with some of the workload?  No matter what their age - there ARE things that they can do to help...
When my son was 2 I put a pair of old socks on his hands and sprayed them with Pledge - he crawled around and dusted the furniture and the baseboards.
When he was 3, he learned to put his dishes in the dishwasher, he learned how to make his bed and pick up his clothes.
When he was 4, he learned how to sort laundry. 
When he was 5, he learned to clean mirrors, feed the dog, wipe up his bathroom daily (when he gets out of the bathtub - he wipes it out, when he brushes his teeth - he wipes up the counter, and at night before he goes to bed - he swishes the toilet and wipes up the toilet seat) - keep clorox wipes in the bathrooms.
When he was 6, he learned to take out the trash.
When he was 7, he learned to run the sweeper
He is now 8, he helps with most of the household chores.

Decide what is most important to you to have done and what maybe doesn't need to be done quite as frequently.  Perhaps on 1 or 2 of those nights, he would be willing to bring home dinner so that you don't have to cook on those days...
Good luck!!!

Im not sure where to begin...but here goes,im very alone,very confused and just want to quit. 

 Ive been married twice and had two girlfriends my entire adult life.My problem is and has always been...i have a very high sex drive.It was the ruin of both of my marrages and  the relationship of one of my girlfriends.My situation as of today is..my last girlfriend dumped me last night.But here's the thing...she was a prostitute when i met her(thats how i met her) ,i truly fell in love with her and we were together for 3 years.She is "my type" and actually has a higher sex drive than me.See,thats part of my problem too,i have a certain type of girl im attracted to (tall,long dark hair,sexy,"bad girl").I am not a stupid man,i dont get into porn,i love very deeply,i am an honest man and love family.When her and i got together she agreed to quit "working" and we tried to be a "normal" family.In the end she was just too wild and kept going back to her night life and "work" and drugs.Last night she dumpted me because "i was not there for her"....I know this sounds like a no brainer..but i have very deep feelings for her,and as a bonus i was sexually satisfied for the first time in my life.One part of me says "come on man! look at what she does!...the other part of me wants so bad to be back with her and try again to make it work.Ive taken tests to see if a really am a sex addict and came to the conclusion..it depends on who you're with as a partner.My question to anyone who feels like responding to this is....how do you change the type of person you are attracted to?...and...do you think i should keep feelings for her or try to move on to a "better" type of woman? 

i'm not interested in sex anymore. i try to be but i just can't be. we'll be in the middle of doing it, and i'll just all the sudden be bored and can't wait for him to be done. what they heck is my problem?

My husband and I have been married for 23 years, and even from the very beginning we have had a VERY unsatisfying sex life. 

     One of the first issues is that my husband has PE, and has it pretty bad. Sex lasts anywhere from 50 seconds to 3 minutes. On rare occasions it lasted about 20 minutes.  "Bill", went to the doctor about this (only twice), and he had to have a vericose vein removed from his penis, but he didn't get any help for the lack of desire. The doctor gave him some Viagra, but it gave Bill headaches, and he stopped using it. I know he is embarrassed about not being able to sustain an erection, and because he ejaculates so fast.  

     I tried reading everything I could about PE, sex drives, and what a woman could do to create desire in a man, and please a man, but surprisingly he does not like me to be "assertive". It actually turned him off. I got to a point to where I didn't know WHAT to do. When I say I tried "everything", I mean I tried EVERYTHING, but nothing worked. 

  

      It's frustrating that he does not have a very strong sex drive. We married in our 20's, but even then he didn't want sex very often. (we only had it about once to twice a month) He had excuses for everything, and would NOT face this issue for the first ten years of our marriage. He would just get MAD about it, and make excuses for why we couldn't do it. He said that he just did not "desire" me. 

But, he didn't desire other women either, he just "didn't want sex". It had been VERY FRUSTRATING. I have always kept myself up physically, people have always told me I was attractive, and not to brag, but I think I look pretty good. So, it's not because he find's my PHYSICALLY unattractive. I just don't understand what's going on. 

  

     Now, for the past several years, we have just lived as roomates, with the past year, sex being totally non-existent. I tried to teach Bill about a woman's body, and what a womans needs are, and how a woman's body works, (he had very little knowledge about this when I met him) But, still again, whatever I say, he does not put into action. 

  

     I neglected to say that my husband is a workaholic. Work is his entire life. Coming from a very dysfunctional family, he chose work as his choice of addiction. His siblings chose chemicals. I believe that this, and a fear of failure had caused some of his sexual dysfunction. 

  

     What's most frustrating, is that he puts so much back on me. "If I would only do this,or if "I would only do that", but when I DO the things he asks, it still doesn't change anything. Because of his work habits, his mind really is NOT on the task at hand. (pardon the pun) When I was going through "my sexual prime" in my 30's, I was "burning up with sexual desire", which was terribly frustrating, because I could never get my needs met. I wasn't asking for sex every day, ( but I could have used it), but I would have liked it at least a couple times a week.  

    This whole thing, (plus others) has had a terrible effect on MY self esteem. I feel totally undesireable, unattractive, and now don't even WANT him to touch me. I know exactly what's going to happen if he does. It is going to be "sex as usual". He gets aroused, orgasms before we can even get into it, and I am left hanging. 

      He gets angry at me, and says, "I SAID I WOULD FINISH YOU", but that doesn't sound very appealing, and believe me, it isn't. Especially in the manner in which he says it, AND approaches it physically. 

      Because of this, and other problems, I am contemplating divorce. Is there anyone out there that is going through this as well? Have you had any success in making things better, and what were your methods? I would be interested. Thanks for listening. 

Dede7007 

     Thanks, figureitout for writing. I have lately been thinking of this possibility. But, he seems so against "that" sort of thing, which is confusing. But, it is IS something that I have been wondering about lately. 

    There is also something that I am quite possitive that he has, and that is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Have you read anything about this? This too is on many websites. The issues and facts fits him perfectly. But, because he doesn't want to deal with anything about HIMSELF, he has forbid me to read anything more about it. And he goes CRAZY whenever he sees it on my computer, so I wipe everything clean, after I am done. 

    If he does have gay tendencies, he has done a heck of a job denying it, and trying to hide it. Funny thing though, when we are out in public, he doesn't look at men OR women, he is TOTALLY embroiled in his OWN thoughts, and his OWN world. (kind of like Einstein) LOL 

     He has so many weird quirks, that are actually quite infantile, like he never grew beyond a certain point in childhood. 

 

    With personalities that have NPD, it usually starts because of a cold distant mother, who did not mother her children, and an emotionally absent father. (which he had BOTH)  There is also a book called "Malignant Self Love", which described him to a T. But, again, he will have NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.  

    There is no lonely like being MARRIED, and lonely. The loneliness and loss of self esteem due to no sex life is terribly devastating to a wife's self esteem. (or husband's) And, the person who is inflicting this pain on their partner has no clue to the depth of pain they are causing. 

    If they DO feel it, they do their best to DENY what they are doing, and how much damage it does. 

 

     I am going to investigate what you suggested, and see what I can find out. Because, we are now living seperately. Of our 23 years together, I sacrificed 14 years with very little, so that he could get his PhD. He graduated this year, and got a professorship in a college in a state a LONG way from our home here, and away from our grown daughters. THIS IS A MAJOR PROBLEM. I do NOT want to leave my children, whom I love with all my heart, and go to a place that is "literally out in the sticks", and try to start a life where there has been NO life for this many years. 

   He is saying that now he is "going to make it up to me". I don't see how this is possible. He still can not connect to people on intimate levels. (especially me) And now that we are seperate, other people have been telling me that they have seen problems for a long time. "I" knew it was obvious, but he thought that he was hiding things pretty well, and is "shocked" that others are saying things. 

    There seems to be 2 people in him. One whom he projects to the world, and the other who walks in the door at home. After all this time, and after so many problems, I don't see this working out. 

 

     He needs long term professional help. Especially because of the home life he had as a child. His mother really screwed her children up. She is in an Alzhiemer's home now, but even the Alzhiemer's home care professionals told us to call in a psychiatrist, because there is much more going on with her than just Alzhiemer's. THAT, to me says something. 

 

     I can't stay on the line long, but just wanted to write back and say thanks, and that I will investigate that you said, and will keep posting. Thanks again for writing. 

Dede7007 

I am sorry to say that I am happy to hear that other people are in the same situation that I am.  I am married to the most devoted husband/father that I have ever known.  He obviously loves us.  I can tell by his devotion.  He would never cheat.  I know that.  He is very helpful around the house and hard-working in general.  He is tall and handsome.  I love him with everything that I have.  The problem is that he shows no signs of being attracted to me anymore.  I don't know what happened.  We have small kids, which has made it hard, but they are growing up and he still isn't interested.  We have sex occasionally, but it is always when I initiate.  I want to be wanted.  What can I do?

I am on the other side of your relationship so maybe I can give you some insite. I have lived with my common-law husband for 8 years. I have 3 children that are 12 1/2, almost 16 & almost 17, he has 2 that are 29 & 33. Our sex life was great also. 4 to 5 times a week or more. Everything was great for us until he let his ego get the better of him and he quit his job (this was before we moved in together). Stupid me I tried to help him out and was paying for 2 apartments, his bills and mine. I finally said this is too much so we moved in together so my expenses would go down. Things seemed great except that he got lazy, fat and wasn't looking for a job. He was out of work for 1 1/2 years. I even gave him $100 a week spending money. My supporting him at the time didn't seem to bother me. I was making great money for someone with no college degree but my job got the best of me 12 to 14 hours a day. Do you think  dinner was ready for me when I got home - NO! I would work all those long hours and he still expected me to cook, clean and keep him sexually satisfied. Not making dinner was not an option as I had kids to feed. Well it didn't take long before his needs/wants were the last thing on my mind. I didn't even have the time or energy to take care of myself. I firmly believe that my children come first. Tending to their needs was my first priority. They had school and martial arts classes of which I was involved in both (this also caused jealousy issues on his part). As time went on my resentment for him increased but so did his need/want for SEX. That was also part of the problem. He wanted sex, I wanted love. In his mind they are the same, in mine they are not. When we would/do have sex it has gotten to the point where it's mostly about his pleasure. He won't completly satisfy me before he wants me to get his rocks off which kind of leaves me hanging. He has become lazy in bed and always wants me on top or to give him a BJ. This gets old after a while, REAL OLD! He tries to talk to me about the way he is feeling, asks what's going on with me. When I try to explain to him some of the above he gets very defensive and tells me it's about him and I'm turning the tables and trying to make it about me. I thought it was about us. How can I get him to understand why I am the way I am if he won't listen to what I have to say? I feel used and abused. He is also very contorlling with money. I am no longer making the kind of money I used to. My income was cut in half and that is when he was forced to get a job because we were getting behind on the bills (all my fault). Now he gives me such a small amount of money I barely get everything covered month to month. Some months I rob Peter to pay Paul yet he keeps about $400 from his checks in his pocket. I would love to have $400 every 2 weeks to play with. I can hardly keep my kids in cloths & shoes. He won't take care of the bills though. It's my job. I couldn't make it without the meager amount he gives me though. And he wants to know why I have no sex drive. Just some insite for you. This may be the farthest thing from your situation but maybe not. Look at all aspects of your relationship. I did and finally realizied it's not all me but I'm trapped (for now). I hope so of this helped.

I am 37 and my husband is 43. We have four children, twins who are 4 and a 7 and 10 year old. Our sex life has never been what you can call "great". We used to make love maybe once or twice a month, even before kids were born and always when we came home from being out at a dance or social evening. I have never drank but my husband drank socially. 3 years ago after being sick for sometime hubby finds out he had hep c. They pinpoint it down to tattoos he got when he was a teenager. His liver was in stage 4 cirrohsis(sp?) and after going on a treatment for 6 months, he is hep c free. When he was going through treatment his doctor put him on a duragesic patch. We were told there would be some loss of sex drive but "some" ended up being all in his case. To get him off the patch, he had to go on a methadone program. (Which personally I was against. I can't fathom the thought of taking one drug to get off another, but the doctor recommended it and he agreed. But that's another story entirely.) Now our sex life in the last 2 years has been nil, nothing, nada. He is off the patch now and free of hepc but there is still nothing when it comes to sex. There is no touching, holding hands, kissing or anything. I sit beside him in the couch and he moves away. I hold his hand and he holds it for a few seconds and then drops it to do something else with his hand so I cant grab it back again. He seems to get mad at me when I try to rub his back or initiate any form of touching. I have asked him what the problem is and he says he just doesn't feel like sex right now.  He says it's not me, it's just him. I explained that we could just hug and I would be satisfied, but he just shrugs and ignores me. We don't even sleep in the same bed together. He sleeps on the couch. No physical contact at all. I feel so bad, I blame myself most times. I have gained weight since I was pregnant with the twins and I never lost it all yet. Maybe I make him disgusted? Maybe he can only have sex with me if he is drunk? Maybe its the effects of the medication? Who knows... 

  

I have tried to get him to tell me the problem. I have even went and talked to the doctor. She says that he just went through with a very stressful treatment for hep c and to give him time. I have given him 2 years and I don't know how much longer I can give him. I honestly feel bad saying it since I love him and he is a great person, but I don't see us together much longer if this keeps up. I get nothing from him anymore. He's a brick wall and I'm tired and frustrated trying to get any form of emotion from him. It's been over 2 years since he finished his treatment for hep c and I thought that maybe in a few months he would get back to normal, but nothing has happened yet. I get grouchy and say things I don't mean when he ignores me and I feel guilty and then I try to make it better and then he just ignores me more. I have asked him to go to councelling but that just makes him laugh. I have tried everything I can think of and I still get nothing. I feel like I'm whinning all the time like the kids do. I just don't know what else to do. I feel unloved and unappreciated and it's all building up inside me.  

Anyhow, thanks for listening and any insight is appreciated. I just don't know where else to turn to or what else to do anymore. 

Hi tyffen 

  

Don't know if I can help you but I can relate to your situattion.  Fortunately  we have no children so anything that happens in my marriage only effects the two of us.  For your sake, as well as your children's sake you need to be healthy.  My first marriage was to an alcoholic and I came to understand that we cannot change others - only ourselves.     If your husband refuses to go to counseling - perhaps you should go on your own. 

  

I have decided that I am going to focus on my self esteem.  I have been reading Dr Phil's Self Matters.  I keep reminding myself that I am responsible for my own happiness and this is where I decided to start.  Also,   I have a book called "The Sex-Starved Marriage".   It has a section on the LD (Low Drive) as well as the HD (HIgh Drive) partner.  It is helpful info,  giving insight into each spouse's perspective.  However, much of it assumes that both partners want a change....       It does  have a small section that addresses the fact that the LD partner may not want change.  The gist of the suggestion is to let go of your idea of an ideal sexual realtionship and accept the good things in your marriage.  NOT an easy task, but because I want to stay married I am striving to do this. 

  

Good Luck, and keep your chin up, and hug your kids.