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Topic : Differing Sex Drives

Number of Replies: 1827
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:17:33 pm
Author : dataimport
"He wants it twice a day!" "She would be happy to go a whole month without touching me." Does this sound familiar?

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August 8, 2005, 12:32 pm CDT

Having Trouble Dealing

Hi, 

  

I am not sure if this is the correct place to post this but it is sex related so I'll give it a shot. 

  

My current boyfriend is only 26 and has slept with over 100 people, men and women. 

  

I am rather old fashioned when it comes to numbers and have only slept with people I loved.   

  

It is an emotional experience almost more than a physical one for me.  I have trouble swallowing his numbers and how he could have so much casual sex. 

  

Our sex life is good, we do almost match drive wise and are both adventurous but I find myself falling short sometimes (he will say things like he is happiest having sex with me and that I am the best "on the whole" lover he has had and that he appreciates how I care and try but that he has had better "technical" sexual experiences with others).  Of course I won't be technically as good right away as I don't spread it around to get the experience. 

  

I hate how he has been with so many people.  I sort of feel like it is an expression of love and that he has shared it with so many kinds of ruins the meaning between us.  I guess that I feel its not special to us and that I could be anyone.  To add to it, he has told people he has loved them "in the heat of the moment" or because "he was horny".  That ruins that for me too.  How can I tell I am special and that he truly does love me? 

  

He explained that with his encounters that was really no kissing and that it is not romantic or intimate but basicaly two people relieving themselves sexually.   

  

Most other aspects of our relationship are great.  He is faithful to me and even gave up a life he was happy with to move so we could be together.  He said that this is how I should be able to tell that he loves me.  That he is with me now and not them.  This is the only issue that causes fights between us but I do feel it is a huge one. 

  

Do I get over this, am I being silly for caring so much about the past or do I take this as a bad pattern in his life and lose a guy that since we have been together has been wonderful? 

  

Can people change as they get older?     

 
August 8, 2005, 2:05 pm CDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: angelsix

Hi, 

  

I am not sure if this is the correct place to post this but it is sex related so I'll give it a shot. 

  

My current boyfriend is only 26 and has slept with over 100 people, men and women. 

  

I am rather old fashioned when it comes to numbers and have only slept with people I loved.   

  

It is an emotional experience almost more than a physical one for me.  I have trouble swallowing his numbers and how he could have so much casual sex. 

  

Our sex life is good, we do almost match drive wise and are both adventurous but I find myself falling short sometimes (he will say things like he is happiest having sex with me and that I am the best "on the whole" lover he has had and that he appreciates how I care and try but that he has had better "technical" sexual experiences with others).  Of course I won't be technically as good right away as I don't spread it around to get the experience. 

  

I hate how he has been with so many people.  I sort of feel like it is an expression of love and that he has shared it with so many kinds of ruins the meaning between us.  I guess that I feel its not special to us and that I could be anyone.  To add to it, he has told people he has loved them "in the heat of the moment" or because "he was horny".  That ruins that for me too.  How can I tell I am special and that he truly does love me? 

  

He explained that with his encounters that was really no kissing and that it is not romantic or intimate but basicaly two people relieving themselves sexually.   

  

Most other aspects of our relationship are great.  He is faithful to me and even gave up a life he was happy with to move so we could be together.  He said that this is how I should be able to tell that he loves me.  That he is with me now and not them.  This is the only issue that causes fights between us but I do feel it is a huge one. 

  

Do I get over this, am I being silly for caring so much about the past or do I take this as a bad pattern in his life and lose a guy that since we have been together has been wonderful? 

  

Can people change as they get older?     

I think you told me what I was already thinking.  That even though it is the only thing we fight about, that it is too huge of an issue.  I just don't think I can bend on a moral issue like that - what would we teach our kids right if we can't agree on what is appropriate behaviour?   

  

I just feel kind of sad for possibly ending it as he is great in so many other ways (like giving up his job, friends etc to move to be with me as I couldn't move due to finances, is always with me and if I don't go - he won't go type thing).   

  

He tells me he is sorry for his past but that it is his past and has no bearing on what he wants his future to be.  He wants to settle down and start to have a real life and that he wants it to be with me. 

  

I feel sad but I will think on it some more. 

  

We have both been tested, together recently and him throughout his life (he was atleast responsible on that end).     

 
August 9, 2005, 11:32 am CDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: angelsix

Thank you for all of your advice!!  I will definitely start looking closer into things.  I don't want to end up in a bad situation either.

I spoke with my boyfriend this morning and still am not sure what to do. 

  

He didn't brag to me about his sexual conquests.  I asked about the numbers and he told me and I didn't like it.  We were having a discussion about sex and he told me about his best experience thinking that it was a mutual exchange, not meaning to make me feel inadequate according to him.   

  

He said he is happiest with me sexually and overall because he gets emotional and physical satisfaction out of it.  He thought I meant "technically" and that "we" were a given answer so answered the way he did as that was just an experience that popped into his head at that time. 

  

He agreed that he has previously lived a lifestyle that most people would find hard to take.  Even himself looking back, he feels that a lot of things are wrong.  He was molested by a man for about a year when he was 12.  His Dad took off as well when he was a kid and he has no idea where he is.  His Mom did not handle the break up well and dealt with it by medicating herself.   

  

He left home at 15 and has been on his own since then.  He said that I am probably correct in my feeling that his high level of sexual activity was due to trying to fill a whole.  He gained self esteem from it and felt wanted by people. 

  

He said that as he has gotten older that he realized that it was not a healthy lifestyle to continue on with.  That he decided to make steps to clean up his life and develop a more stable one.  It is around this time that I met him. 

  

These are all answers that I can deal with and even understand and move past. 

  

This is where I get confused.  

  

He told me that the guy that molested him used to try and hold him, cuddle and kiss him after the assault.  He said he doesn't always like doing that stuff as I guess it reminds him of his molester.   

  

We cuddle and kiss a decent amount but he always told me that he doesn't like "making out" for extended periods. 

  

He then proceeded to go on more about that girl and said why he thought that it was a memory that stayed with him is because they cuddled for 6 hours prior to the act "he even added in, "like we do" and that it was the anticipation that maybe made it so good.  Kind of contradictory. 

  

He said that prior to the act it was looking like a one night stand but that after she had told a friend that he was one of the nicest people she had met and he decided that he may want to pursue a relationship with her.  She didn't want a boyfriend and that was the end of that. 

  

I am not sure how to feel about all of that.  You hate to cuddle for extended periods of time yet the best experience you had was because of cuddling beforehand.  ???  

  

It also hurts me that I feel like almost strangers have had what we have interaction wise.  I hate that so many people experienced kisses and cuddles from him as well as intercourse.  I consider that intimate.  How is it different with people you love?  He said the feelings of love for that person makes it all different.  With others it is physical satisfaction and maybe filling a void, with me it is deeper and more meaningful because of love.   

  

I have never had casual sex so I can't relate.  Maybe it is clearly different.   

  

Am I just looking too deep into things and dwelling and hanging on to things that happened two years ago or more when I didn't even know him?  Is it even my business or right to get mad at him for it when since we have been together (almost a year now) he has shown nothing other than total devotion to me and has lived a stable life thus far and kept all of his words to me?   

  

A few of my friends told me that he is a stand up guy and that he has made clear steps to prove his claim of wanting to settle down so far as they could see.  They said that they don't even care about their husband's pasts as it is what he does now that matters.  They said that maybe some of his answers have become confused/confusing because he feels attacked and pressured about things that he can't change.  That is is trying to be honest but when he is I get mad and cry and so on.  The impression they gave me is that they think I am being hypersensitive.  I was married before and have cuddled with boyfriends throughout my life and kissed a few people.  I know for me it doesn't take anything away from my current partner.  My feelings are real despite though my numbers don't quite match his. 

  

I am finding my decision on how to proceed hard as I have examples of things going both ways.   

  

My ex-husband had a bad past (more drug related and abandonment issues) and he was a repeat of that life despite always saying that he wanted away from it.  His actions never backed up his words.  So far, my boyfriend has backed up his words.  Then there is my father who had a bad life until he met my Mom and he is the best Dad and husband a person could want.  He made they choice to change and has kept to that for over 30 years. 

  

I fear that if I let him go, I could be losing a truly good guy that has changed his life around but I also fear that if I stick around, he could want to revert to his old life.   

  

Sorry this is so long but on top of seeking advice and clarifying a few things, it is also therapeutic to write this out.  

 
August 9, 2005, 2:41 pm CDT

reply

Quote From: davidoff54

I'm 25 years old and married a wonderful woman that I met in college. She's smart, beautiful, talented. The only problem in our marriage is that since she's been on birth control, she has NO interest in any kind of physical contact with me. Having her around even is simply killing me, she's too gorgeous to even look at. It's getting so frustrating that I have to stay away from her to even keep my head on straight. She's metioned her lack of drive to me, but acts like it's just the way things are going to be. I've never cheated on her, and love her more than I love myself. I just can't live this way. I work so hard to bring home a good income, and we're working now towards her achieving her goal of becoming a stay home mom once we have kids. I've had some weight issues in the past, which she never has, so she doesn't quite understand why her never wanting to touch me is making me feel horrible about myself. I just don't know what to do.
wow, this sounds like me.  I'm 24 and have been married a little over a year.  My wife's drive flew out the window when she started taking birth controll pills right before we got married.  We didn't even have sex on our wedding night.  Then on our honney moon it took some serious effort to have sex even once.  Now, if I beg every day, I'm lucky to get sex on saterday mornings.  We sometimes go a month without sex.  I'm so frustrated, If this doesn't change, I'll have to get a divorce, because I'll cheat. 
 
August 10, 2005, 12:01 pm CDT

angelsix: Differing Sex Drives

Angel, 

  

I read you're long message, and instead of adding it all as a qoute I'm doing this.  You have a right to be bothered about his past, but it is that: his past.  If he has legitimately changed, which it sounds like he did, then it shouldn't be a big problem.  Easier said than done, I know.  I had an ex boyfriend that claimed that he was a "recovering nympho".  He didn't know much. 

  

To answer a question that you have, look at your father.   

  

"Then there is my father who had a bad life until he met my Mom and he is the best Dad and husband a person could want.  He made they choice to change and has kept to that for over 30 years. " 

  

He is a good example of what can happen.  It sounds like this guy is a keeper.  He has changed his lifestyle to a better one.  Admitted by you, he is a great guy.  Do you have any reservations about his actions when the two of you are not together? 

  

If his comparing you to his other liasons bothers you let him know.  Not when the two of you are arguing, but at a quiet time.  Tell him that you know he has had many other partners, but his references to them bother you.  Tell him why as well. 

  

My own opinion is that you should keep him around.  Other than the issues of his partners, you sound like you're really happy with him.  I hope I helped some. 

  

RayvinFive 

 
August 10, 2005, 3:23 pm CDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: rayvinfive

Angel, 

  

I read you're long message, and instead of adding it all as a qoute I'm doing this.  You have a right to be bothered about his past, but it is that: his past.  If he has legitimately changed, which it sounds like he did, then it shouldn't be a big problem.  Easier said than done, I know.  I had an ex boyfriend that claimed that he was a "recovering nympho".  He didn't know much. 

  

To answer a question that you have, look at your father.   

  

"Then there is my father who had a bad life until he met my Mom and he is the best Dad and husband a person could want.  He made they choice to change and has kept to that for over 30 years. " 

  

He is a good example of what can happen.  It sounds like this guy is a keeper.  He has changed his lifestyle to a better one.  Admitted by you, he is a great guy.  Do you have any reservations about his actions when the two of you are not together? 

  

If his comparing you to his other liasons bothers you let him know.  Not when the two of you are arguing, but at a quiet time.  Tell him that you know he has had many other partners, but his references to them bother you.  Tell him why as well. 

  

My own opinion is that you should keep him around.  Other than the issues of his partners, you sound like you're really happy with him.  I hope I helped some. 

  

RayvinFive 

Yes, you did help.   

  

I spent a long time thinking about it and realized that his past is my only problem.  There is nothing really present tense that bothers me about him.  Like you said, it is the past and has nothing to do with us.  All of it was a year and a half or more ago and he didn't even know me then.   

  

I spoke to him yesterday when we went for a quiet walk and told him that for whatever reason I am not the personality type that can handle knowing that sort of stuff and that he should only tell me what will affect me directly and is important with that regard.  I also promised not to ask questions about things that I may not be able to handle the honest answer to. 

  

We will see how it plays out but I do know since we made that agreement yesterday, I have felt better and so has he.  We actually had fun.    

 
August 10, 2005, 3:35 pm CDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: rayvinfive

Angel, 

  

I read you're long message, and instead of adding it all as a qoute I'm doing this.  You have a right to be bothered about his past, but it is that: his past.  If he has legitimately changed, which it sounds like he did, then it shouldn't be a big problem.  Easier said than done, I know.  I had an ex boyfriend that claimed that he was a "recovering nympho".  He didn't know much. 

  

To answer a question that you have, look at your father.   

  

"Then there is my father who had a bad life until he met my Mom and he is the best Dad and husband a person could want.  He made they choice to change and has kept to that for over 30 years. " 

  

He is a good example of what can happen.  It sounds like this guy is a keeper.  He has changed his lifestyle to a better one.  Admitted by you, he is a great guy.  Do you have any reservations about his actions when the two of you are not together? 

  

If his comparing you to his other liasons bothers you let him know.  Not when the two of you are arguing, but at a quiet time.  Tell him that you know he has had many other partners, but his references to them bother you.  Tell him why as well. 

  

My own opinion is that you should keep him around.  Other than the issues of his partners, you sound like you're really happy with him.  I hope I helped some. 

  

RayvinFive 

Oh, I forgot to answer your reservations about when we are not together.  No, I don't.  Two examples of why is: 

  

1. When he was still living away, he was invited on a night out with two other couples and another girl.  I didn't feel it was appropriate that he go as I was told that the girl who was single and going was at a party the previous weekend telling a guy with a girlfriend about her blow job skills and basicaly offering to prove it.  I told him that even though I trust him that I didn't think that it was appropriate for him to go when I live so far away.  He could have went and I never would have known but he didn't go, understood why I would feel that way and instead stayed home voice messaging with me until 4:00am on Messenger. 

  

2. A couple of weeks ago a new girl that started at his work was standing too close to him and obviously had a crush on him and he asked her why she was standing so close to him.  When she responded with "just to say goodbye to you", he was like "see that girl over there, she is my girlfriend, you know the one I told you about.  Bye but never stand that close to me again".  He shut her down right away. 

  

He also has told me when girls have went up to him when I wasn't around and what she said and so on so that is a good sign I think. 

  

We always go out together and I usually meet him after work so there isn't much of a window for that kind of stuff anyway on either end.  You can't cheat if you don't create opportunities for cheating.   

  

We both believe the point of sharing your life with someone is to spend time with them when not at work.      

 
August 10, 2005, 3:42 pm CDT

angel

Quote From: angelsix

Yes, you did help.   

  

I spent a long time thinking about it and realized that his past is my only problem.  There is nothing really present tense that bothers me about him.  Like you said, it is the past and has nothing to do with us.  All of it was a year and a half or more ago and he didn't even know me then.   

  

I spoke to him yesterday when we went for a quiet walk and told him that for whatever reason I am not the personality type that can handle knowing that sort of stuff and that he should only tell me what will affect me directly and is important with that regard.  I also promised not to ask questions about things that I may not be able to handle the honest answer to. 

  

We will see how it plays out but I do know since we made that agreement yesterday, I have felt better and so has he.  We actually had fun.    

I understand how you feel. My now husband made the unfortunate move after we'd only been dating for a few weeks of giving me access to an old online journal he had once kept. It was all very old stuff. The most recent entry was a year before he met me. But he had written about all of his previous girlfriends and their sex lives and it took me a long time to get past some of the words he had written about some of them: how great the sex was, how hot this one was or that one, how passionate the relationship was, etc. And these were things he had written years before meeting me. Still, I had a terrible time getting some of his words out of my head and not wondering all the time if he felt the same way about me. We're married now and I hardly ever think of those doubtful days. So much time has passed, I doubt that he has any clear memories at all of sex with anyone but me. I know I certainly don't remember any of my previous lovers clearly. They've all just sort of faded together and into each other and I really don't remember any of the details of our sex lives. Time will probably take care of this problem with your guy, too. As long as he's not cheating on you are actively comparing you to anyone else, you should be fine. Just keep his focus on you and he'll eventually forget all the others.
 
August 12, 2005, 3:19 pm CDT

weird

 I am 22 years old and have been married a little over a year, been with my husband 3 years. We have a beautiful 7 month old daughter. My problem is that even before we were married my husband wasn't worried about sex. He likes it when we do it but he takes some convincing sometimes and we talk about it often, I would like to have sex at least every other day. He says that it isn't like that for him, he doesn't need it that much and that he will try harder to be more passionate and have sex more often. Now I have seen him make some changes and then it goes back to normal. I can even walk in front of him naked and he doesn't even flinch. We have talked about it being his libido or maybe a low testosterone level but he won't go see a Dr. After having my daughter I gained 70lbs and I lost all of it and then some. When I was pregnant he gained the same amt and has only lost 25. I feel bad but I am starting to not be attracted to him anymore. The other day in all of our relationship he tried to have sex and I said no. I have never said no. I broke my heart (because I know how it feels to be told no). I talked to him about eating better and taking better care of himself and  he said he is starting too. He has gone to the gym 3 days this week but he still eating horrible. I am however starting to crave sex again (so the gym helps) but now he still doesn't want to have sex as much as me. Anyone have advice??
 
August 12, 2005, 3:51 pm CDT

husband

Quote From: amanda04

 I am 22 years old and have been married a little over a year, been with my husband 3 years. We have a beautiful 7 month old daughter. My problem is that even before we were married my husband wasn't worried about sex. He likes it when we do it but he takes some convincing sometimes and we talk about it often, I would like to have sex at least every other day. He says that it isn't like that for him, he doesn't need it that much and that he will try harder to be more passionate and have sex more often. Now I have seen him make some changes and then it goes back to normal. I can even walk in front of him naked and he doesn't even flinch. We have talked about it being his libido or maybe a low testosterone level but he won't go see a Dr. After having my daughter I gained 70lbs and I lost all of it and then some. When I was pregnant he gained the same amt and has only lost 25. I feel bad but I am starting to not be attracted to him anymore. The other day in all of our relationship he tried to have sex and I said no. I have never said no. I broke my heart (because I know how it feels to be told no). I talked to him about eating better and taking better care of himself and  he said he is starting too. He has gone to the gym 3 days this week but he still eating horrible. I am however starting to crave sex again (so the gym helps) but now he still doesn't want to have sex as much as me. Anyone have advice??

Well you both need to work on this issue together.  No matter if he weighs 100 lbs extra, he is still your husband and if you want sex....well he is the only one you have, so make it work.  You should make plans to do stuff together, like working out, making a healthy dinner together.  Going on a walk or jog also is great for a couple to do together.  You still need to love him no matter what he looks like.  

But he does need to see someone in regards to his non-sexual cravings.  I am sure you have talked to him several times but he just doesn't get it and will not get it until someone else says it to him.  You should make an appt for both of you to see someone, together and see what he says. 

  

 
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