Topic : Differing Sex Drives

     I can relate to what you are talking about. It's especialy difficult to have this situation AND have children. You feel "stuck" because of the children, and it IS hard to break up a marriage, but it's also HARD to stay in one where there is NO INTIMACY of any kind. 

     It's been 23 years that my husband and I have been married. The past year there has been NO sex, and the past 5 years, almost none. The rest of the time, was once to twice a month, or up to 3 months without it.  

     He has PE, and has many sexual hangups that he just WON'T talk about. I've literally tried EVERYTHING, and nothing has worked. He has blamed a lot of this on a "pain condition" that I have. But, the first six years our marriage, I wasn't in massive pain, but he still didn't develop a close relationship with me. 

    It's not just the sexual part, because the intimacy covers almost every part of a marriage. But, the sexual closeness allows for intimacy in many other areas. Just BASIC touching and caressing, and kissing are VITAL for a marriage to stay viable. Also, children NEED to "SEE" their parents be physically loving, because it gives them an example of what a close relationship is supposed to be. It also shows them how men and women are supposed to treat each other. 

     In our early days, we hugged and kissed in front of our girls, and they said, "yuck", "eewww", but they also loved it, and it helped them. But, what the girls didn't know, was that "I" was the one who always initiated the hugs and kisses. We were in our late twenties, and I had two young girls from my first marriage. This husband adopted the girls, and he is the only one that they know as "Daddy". 

    Now that the girls are grown, they have a "good" relationship with him, but it is strained and they don't have many good memories of being close to him. He NEVER GOT CLOSE TO THEM. 

   Like I said in a prior post, my husband is a workaholic, and he never had time for me or our family. He also never had time for sex. He stayed up till 3 to 4 o clock in the morning, even though he had to work at 8 am. Much of the time, he "made up" things to do, because he was like a "wind up toy". When he is around, the atmosphere is FRENETIC, and when he leaves, it is like WHEW!, I couldn't wait for him to leave. (other people have said that to me as well) 

     My husband too would never go to counseling. "I" was the one who needed counseling."  He is college educated, (I have no college education) and just finished his PhD. That means the WORLD to him. But, school came VERY EASY for him. It was LIFE that came hard for him. He can't handle hardly anything that life deals out. Even the smaller things, he reacts angrily to. He has often remarked that "I don't know what I'm talking about", when it comes to things in every day life. This he relates to "my not having the same education level". It doesn't take a college degree to know how to do daily chores or basic "living".  I would LIKE to go to college, but I was raised in the "college of life". I had a VERY HARD life growing up. I was abused, and married an abusive first husband. But, I read many books, and went to counseling, coda meetings, and tried to learn as much as I could about life, and relationships, and life in general. 

    I know my husband's family life has a lot to do with why he is the way he is now, but still he has CHOICES. AND HE HAS NOT MADE GOOD CHOICES.  His mother is the one who had the most to do with this.  In fact, she is the one who caused her kids to turn out so dysfunctional. She has always been a cold, distant but "martyr" mother, who couldn't handle anything, and expected her kids to be the adults, and her be the needy one. But, she is a cold hard manipulative person, and it pains me to see my husband continue to grow to be so much like her, even though he said he didn't want to be like his parents. Still, he has to make better choices, or I cannot stay with him. 

     It was very hard going through my 30's, (like when a guy is 18) and be burning up with sexual desire, and have my husband push me away. I had a good figure, kept myself dressed nicely, and always had makeup on, etc., tried sexy clothes, everything, but NOTHING worked.  

    This has really ruined my self esteem. Now, at 49, I feel ugly, undesireable, and don't feel like much of anything at all. 

     Please, don't let this be the point that you get to. Do something before you let this go as far as I let my situation go. Don't be as dumb as I was. You have the right to desire things and physical attention and intimacy for yourself. But, it is not JUST FOR YOURSELF, it is ALSO FOR HIM AS WELL. 

     I know how it can build up inside you until you think you are going to EXPLODE! I turned it all inside, and lost myself in the process. I don't even know how to go about getting myself back again. But, I do know that I can't continue to live with this man, and expect to get my needs met, when he doesn't own his own actions and feelings. 

     There is more to tell, but I am in the process of still deciding, and planning what to do. I'll keep posting to let you know what happens, and I hope you do the same. 

    I hope this helps in some way, but there are others out here that are going through the same thing that you are. We need to be heard, by others, and by ourselves. 

   I wish you well,  

Dede7007 

I was married for eight years to a man who wanted sex constantly. He wanted it every time he saw me and I am not exaggerating. He  wanted it when I woke up, when we went to bed, when I changed clothes, and in between. He wanted it when I was sick, and once he even insisted after a trip to the beach when I was burned all over my body. I never understood it and did not know how to deal with it. I tried talking to him and he simply didn't hear me. I tried going to marriage counseling, and the "counselor" determined that I was frigid and didn't like sex.  

I felt like a piece of meat and totally unloved. I dealt with it in not a good way--I had an affair for the last four years of marriage with a man who made me feel loved. I came from a family where divorce was not an option and you stayed with the man you married. 

 Finally, when there was no dimunition of his sex drive after years and years and he started asking me to shave my "bush" like the girls in Playboy I simply gave up and left him. I got a divorce and was never able to get married again. I couldn't trust a man enough to give him power over  me. The whole relationship was a nightmare to me and I have never gotten over it even though I got a divorce 30 years ago.  Before our wedding he acted quite normal and it seemed that as soon as I married him I became a piece of property.  

I assume that there are other women out there who had this experience. Have you ever been told why they act like this? I have no clue why a man would demand--and he did demand--sex several times a day for years on end and never, ever, be satisfied. It is so frustrating not to be able to satisfy a lover no matter what you do. As soon as you have sex, he wants to have sex again and nothing is ever enough. What is wrong with this picture? 

This is my Theory - God made man so that he would have the sex drive to populate the world.  But he screwed up.  He forgot that there was going to be more than one man.  So each man on Earth has the sex drive to populate the whole entire world and we can not keep up. 

My problem is probably different than most women. My husband just won't come on and have sex.  He has to make sure I have an orgasm as well and will not give up until I have one!  EVERY TIME we have sex.  Now I admit - a lot of you are going, wah! wah! poor baby.  But really when I am only in the mood for a week out of the month and the rest of the time, could care less. This is a real burden!  

What do you think?  

I don't know what happened in my case, because my husband doesn't want sex at all.  He was fine until I got pregnant with our daughter.  Ever since then, he wants nothing to do with it.  We are lucky to have sex once every six months.  So for all you ladies who complain about your husbands wanting sex all the time; be thankful!!  I feel A-sexual at times.  I have asked him time and again what the problem is, and of course it is me, and the fact that I have gained a little weight since our daughter was born.  Even when I lose weight, he uses that excuse.   

What would you do? 

Honestly, I think it is easier for him to blame you for him looking at porn, but I think even if you gave it to him every day, he would still look at porn. 

I always thought men had the greater sex drive. I am in my second marriage. My husband is 13 years younger than me. He tells me that he doesn't "think" about sex. It doesn't occur to him. I find this has eroded my self esteem to a low. I am insecure being that much older than him to begin with. I did not see this coming. We were separated for a time when we were first married due to work in another country. Now he has been back for a year and I am totally stressed and frustrated. I have tried and tried to explain that I NEED this physical love besides the affection of kisses and hugs. It has put me into therapy for depression. I think the more he stone-walls this, the worse I get in wishing we had something more than maybe once a month. I have tried the different angles ... suggesting to downright asking. He insists that he is attracted to me and I don't suspect him having an affair. I am really just heart broken and wonder what my future will hold with a man who loves with hugs and kisses.