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Topic : Differing Sex Drives

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:17:33 pm
Author : dataimport
"He wants it twice a day!" "She would be happy to go a whole month without touching me." Does this sound familiar?

 
lostinnc
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January 4, 2006, 10:15 am PST

You are right

Quote From: schoolnrs

I must say, reading these messages makes me now want to go home and take advantage of my husband's sex drive. Maybe that will be my new year's resolution. It seems like no one is satisfied w/ what they got???!!! Husband wants too much, or too little. YIKES!!!!

YES YES YES!!!!!! Appreciate what you have! 

I know for me it isn't that I am not satisfied with what I have, I am just trying to muddle through. 

My favorite saying, Being a grown up sux! It's harder than we ever thought! It does not come with a manual so I am going blind trying to make what I have work. it is just nice to read that others have the same issues, knowing I am not alone helps more than you know.  
 
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sadiesmom
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January 4, 2006, 11:25 am PST

AGE MEANS NOTHING

Quote From: menthol

  

I always thought men had the greater sex drive. I am in my second marriage. My husband is 13 years younger than me. He tells me that he doesn't "think" about sex. It doesn't occur to him. I find this has eroded my self esteem to a low. I am insecure being that much older than him to begin with. I did not see this coming. We were separated for a time when we were first married due to work in another country. Now he has been back for a year and I am totally stressed and frustrated. I have tried and tried to explain that I NEED this physical love besides the affection of kisses and hugs. It has put me into therapy for depression. I think the more he stone-walls this, the worse I get in wishing we had something more than maybe once a month. I have tried the different angles ... suggesting to downright asking. He insists that he is attracted to me and I don't suspect him having an affair. I am really just heart broken and wonder what my future will hold with a man who loves with hugs and kisses.  

I AM 1 1/2 YEARS INTO MY SECOND MARRIAGE. THIS TIME WITH A MAN WHO IS 10 YEARS OLDER THAN I AM.  (I AM 30,HE IS 40).  WE ARE LUCKY IF WE HAVE SEX ONCE A MONTH.  I KNOW THAT HE FINDS ME ATTRACTIVE,BUT I AM USUALLY THE ONE TO INITIATE.  MY FIRST HUSBAND WOULD OFTEN MAKE ME HAVE SEX WITH HIM.  HE WAS VERY ABUSIVE ANDAFTER 10 YEARS AND 4 KIDS I FOUND  THE COURAGE TO LEAVE HIM.  NOW, I CANT GET ENOUGH SEX.  I FEEL LIKE I NEED IT TO MAKE ME FEEL LOVED.  MAYBE IN SOME TWISTED WAY THAT IS HOW MY EX FELT.  ALTHOUGH, THE ABUSE IS UNEXCUSABLE.
 
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bubblestn
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January 4, 2006, 12:52 pm PST

Understand

Quote From: lostinnc

Sounds like we have a few similarities, you do sound a bit like my husband. He to is not happy with himself. I know this and so does he, we have tried, no I have tried to discuss this problem. He will admit that he has a problem, but from my point of view, He is the only one that can fix it. i can not loose weight for him to make him feel better. HE has to do it. I have been as supportive as I can possibly be but HE has to want it enough to do it. I am not saying that the weight issue is the problem, I am saying it is HIS self image that is the problem, what I do not understand is that I have accepted him for over 12 years this way. It isn't me that has the self image problem! I used to , maybe that's why it used to work. As the years have gone by I have realized that I am not fat or ugly, and I do take care of myself. If he isn't interested, he isn't interested, I have done all I know to do. Now I do not even complain, I take it when he's willing and I think he has mistaken that with acceptance! I do applaud you for at least trying BUT I do ask, Why are YOU not happy with YOU? From the other side of the debate my point of view is, if HE (or you) is not happy with himself, then HE (you) are the only one that can fix it. From the outside, we can't  fix it for you, I know I would if I could.
I can appreciate hearing someone else have the same sex drive that I do.  We have been married for 17 years, only I have never had a sex drive.  I weight 89 lbs, only 4'11, when we were married, I have two children and actually went up to 151, he was so mean to me about my weight that I am now down to 124, 20 more pounds to go.  As far as sex I could care less if I ever have it, once a week and I am fine.  Him on the other hand thinks we should two or three times a day.  Yes he does get angry whenever he does not get any.  I try to do my best as his wife to satisfy him.  Then he fells that I think it is a chore.  I don't really feel that way, but I get tired of the stress from work and the stress from home, constantly.
 
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torreg
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January 4, 2006, 12:54 pm PST

There is hope

Quote From: stryker12

My husband and I have been married for 11 years.  His sex drive has not changed at all!!  (Not a bad thing in anyway.)  The problem is that mine has changed.  I could care less if we do anything.  It took me awhile to figure out why I feel this way and then slowly it began to dawn on me.  I am not comfortable with myself anymore.  I stay stressed out all the time and depressed.  I am embarrassed by my weight, I have gained over 40lbs.  It is not that I don't want him touching me, it's that I am so disgusted with how I look that it carries over into other aspects of my life.  Stress, like I said, is the other factor.  I have been on medical leave for almost a year from work and have been placed on permanent restrictions, which takes me out of any job that I know how to do.  Needless to say supporting a family of four on one income is not easy.  All these factors play into the decrease of sex drive.  However, unlike some of the other people, regardless of whether I want to or not, I do try to satisfy his needs as often as possible, two to three times a week. 
I had a problem too, my sex drive decreased significantly and I thought that it was the pill that was on then I thought this and that  the Dr. had no explinations yadda, yadda,  yadda. I am pretty young still and there was a dead end everywhere I turned. I have very low self esteem and I think that 's what it was. Then at work there was this book being passed around between all of the girls and I really think it helped me out. It's called " A Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex" It sounds horrible and perverted I know but it really helped me in how I dress, walk and feel about myself. Maybe he'd like it too! Kristi
 
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torreg
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January 4, 2006, 1:04 pm PST

It might not be you

Quote From: poppabig

 Me and my girlfriend have only been together for a year but i feel like she is the one,but our sex life has disappered latley.I  dont know what to do.If she goes out and drinks she is in more of a mood.So i always incourage that,but i dont want it that way.
She may be stressed out, it could be her diet, it could and most likley be her self esteem. But be very careful how you go about this. I would pamper her and do anything in your power to make her love herself. Make her feel like a queen. Listen to her for clues. A day at the spa or her hair done or something to make her feel better about herself. But be careful it may be deeper than that. Ask questions get in tune with her. This is a sensitive issue so be careful. Good luck =)
 
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torreg
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January 4, 2006, 1:09 pm PST

Hmmmm?

Quote From: lostinnc

I can sympathize way to well! I have been married for 14 years. Married at 19. Started out great at least twice a day but as the years have gone by, my husband has lost his drive completely! I used to wonder what was wrong with me? Did I gain weight?Not that that would be right, just would be some kind of reason. We went through counseling, didn't help. No need going if he won't put forth the  effort right?As I read these messages, I want to scream, get out now! Once a month? We have gone 4 1/2 MONTHS! YES MONTHS! I HAD to stop keeping track! Sex is always the reason for any disagreement. Always the underlying issue. He knows this, yet STILL does nothing to fix it. The problem is, we have kids. As much as I know it is wrong, I have decided to put my needs on the back burner so that they can grow up with a family. We do not "fight" over sex. That's sort of the problem, we don't fight at all! Barely even disagree! He just looks at me like I am the biggest B**** in the world, and IF he decides to comment, it is "I am sorry I make you so miserable". This I do not understand, because he has control over this! I have asked male friends opinions, and they do not understand it either. I have tried to convince myself that it isn't me it's him but honestly that's easier said than done. Have not gone outside the marriage so far, came close, REALLY close but didn't. So if anyone is reading this and has any kind of advice or answers PLEASE share! 

I know you havn't gone outside the marriage but has he?
 
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missestx
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January 4, 2006, 1:30 pm PST

My husband's never satisfied...

We usually have sex 3-4 times a week; he wants it every night!  And if I say no, he is rude to me when he gets home that night.  I'm 42 and he's 47; I'm home all day with our 3 year old daughter and am exhausted many nights and just want to relax.  I hear that many couples "only" have sex a couple of times a month!  I think we're doing pretty good!!  Or at least I thought we did...
 
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almire
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January 4, 2006, 1:34 pm PST

DIFFERENT SEX DRIVES

DR. PHIL, I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP (FAIRLY NEW) AND HE HAS THE STRONGER SEX DRIVE. I TALKED TO HIM ABOUT MINE, AND HE HAS BEEN PATIENCE WITH ME. IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS, AND I FEEL BAD BECAUSE HE TOLD ME ABOUT HIS SEX DRIVE IN ONE OF OUR FIRST CONVERSATIONS. AM I BEING SELFISH? 

  

SIGNED: TOO LITTLE SEX? 
 
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margo513
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January 4, 2006, 6:34 pm PST

seriously?

Quote From: rayvinfive

Thanx lilac,

 

It's not harsh.  After I posted that message my husband called his work and found out that he might be getting a promotion as early as today (7-27) and he won't be working overnight anymore.  As crazy as it sounds, we're both going to school to try and make more time for our family.  He and I need to talk to each other more, but when I try, he doesn't seem very receptive.  About the only time it works for us is right before he leaves for work.  Not the best time.

 

Sigh, maybe I'll take all my books he's reading and hid them (as well as  the TV remotes) so all we have to do is talk and spend time with each other.  Hmm. . . . I'll ponder that one today.

 

Thanx again.

do not quit school. i can't believe a college professor would ever suggest that. friends, lovers, husbands may all come and go...have you seen the divorce rate? what you own and can truly never lose in life are your body and your education. if you both care about each you should be able to fix this without having to give up your education and your future. jeez.
 
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mstamrac
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January 4, 2006, 7:44 pm PST

Sex drive gone since weight loss

I thought that if I lost weight that my sex drive would increase. Actually it has come to a halt. I have even been to counciling and to my Dr. I have tried medications. Nothing seems to work. I used to have a great sex drive. I have been married for 24 years and we have been together for 26 years. I do not want to touch him at all. I feel really bad because of it. My husband is getting low self-esteem because of this. By he way he is now obese. He loved me the way I was and the way I am. I think my weight loss makes him insecure also. My stress level to tremendous. I know that has alot to do with the problem. We both have fulltime jobs.             
 
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