Topic : Differing Sex Drives

 I know what you are going throught I am to a mother of four and I am 26 and have been married to my husband for almost four yrs. I take care of all the bills and kids and cleaning and cooking and ariens and appointments and on top of that I go to work at 1am to 4am. My husband thinks about sex all the time and talks about it all the time. We almost always get into fight about not having sex and if it is not that were fighting about then were fighting about bills and money. I to have a bad habit of pushing my husband away when he is trying to love on me cause I think then he is going to turn it into something sexual instead of just cuddling. He always tells me that their somthing wrong with me or he says he never gets it at all. We have sex once a week. when we first got togther we had sex every night. So just to let you know it is not just you that feels this way  

                                                                                                                                               chelsea 

My husband and I both have a high sex drive.  We have been married 24 years.  We rarely have sex.  I want to make love rather than have sex.  I want a total experience.  Creating a sensual environment with words, fragrance, touch.  I want a spirit of playfulness and openness.  I want to feel the 'energy of love' pass between us.  My husband on the other hand says sex has to be spontaneous, which translates as no effort.  He is all business, has a goal, is quick, aggressive and to the point.  For  many years I settled for this kind of sex life and there was little enjoyment for me.  I have told him repeatedly that our sex life and in fact our total relationship is unsatisfying to me.  I have spoken clearly what I want both verbally and in writing.  I am met with anger, hostility and veangence.  When he touches me I feel anger, hostility and veangence radiate from him.  It seems as though, if I want something it goes on his 'never do that' list.  So I've decided that I would rather pleasure myself than settle for what he is offering.  I've been through six years of therapy addressing childhood sexual abuse, he has been to a counselor a total of four times.  We've been to marriage encounter and a tantra workshop.  Both of which brought temporary improvements only to come to a point when he refuses to practice the techniques we learned.  We have four children ages 16,18,20 and 23.  My 16 year old has asked me to stay until he graduates from high school and begins college.  I've haven't worked outside the home for 23 years.  We have significant debt associated with college costs and I think we both feel trapped.  I don't know how to move forward but I have given up trying to work it out.   

As most peopl im not perfect,we went out i got her pregnant.I was in the navy and came home on weekends,well she wouldnt open up emotionally i found someoneelse in virginia,so i broke it off with my pregnant gir friend.to make a long story short,she was cheating on me before after and during our pregnancy,she wasnt sure who fathered the baby me or a 48 yr old married man.Well we got together when my son was 8 months old and i married her and she never stopped trying to get this married guy and she doesnt see if he loved her as much as she thinks in 10 yrs he would have left his wife.I love her but all we do is fight she lies,and still wont tell me what i see,The clues are allways there.I am moody but most of it is because of her emotional coldness and the worst part is it affects our kids because im pissed all the time. 

  Sex does everything! If your sick, sex will cure you. Depressed? Sex will fix it. Tired? Sex will give you energy. Can't sleep?Sex will relax you. I don't know if it will heal a bullet wound, but I'm sure my husband would swear it would.  

   If a close friend , relative or pet dies......Sex will bring you comfort and peace. 

  Sex also makes holidays more special. If it's your birthday. Celebrate with sex. Anniversaries(weddings , deaths, the dog having her first litter of pups), New Years , Christmas, Valentine's, Labor Day, Opening Day of deer season.  Any little obscure notation on the calendar needs to be acknowleged with sex if possible. 

   Sex is the reason you wore those sweat pants and that worn out old shirt (you know you feel so sexy in those rubber gloves too!) 

   The reason you went in for your post baby/ post op check-up was not to find out if it was OK that you were back to cleaning and cooking and lifting kids and lugging laundry around the second you came home........ it was to see if it was OK to have sex.  

   Some gals I know have told me they had sex with their man : the day after delivery with stitches, first day home from gallbladder surgery  with drain tubes! , and when HE was down in his back so bad he could't get out of bed to pee. Now there's dedication! 

   If I cut my leg half off and came in to get a ride to the emergency room my husband would probably say, "HEY!!!!!!!! You're looking awful hot in that tourniquet. Think we might need to get a quickie in before we leave." (Who knows it might spontaneously heal! Then we can celebrate! Wink wink. ) 

   When he tells me there's something wrong with me because we don't have sex 4 or 5 times a week like most married couples do, I ask him which issue of  Penthouse he got that stat. from because I don't know  of any women, ( except Peg Bundy from "Married With Children") who have the energy to chase it down that much.(BTW She did no housework or real parenting so of course she was rested, and the 5 lbs. of chocolate she ate during "Oprah" every day probably had her stoked!!) 

   And in conclusion Sex = Love....to a lot of men, and there is no amount of  catering to, feeding , clean underwear, kind words, being there for and backing them up that will confirm your love any better. I know. I've had seventeen years of material to refer back to. And you better believe  Dr. Phil when he said "Women have a looonngg memory". 

    If your husband is 23 I will assume you are also young. My husband and I are in our 40's, not old but maybe more seasoned. So I'll ask. Does he treat you well? Seem to care about you . Do you have kids? Do you think the stress of being "responsible" for keeping a paycheck going or maybe working a job he hates could be  the problem. You may be on to something with the chemical imbalance theory.  It takes a lot of energy to cope with and hide undiagnosed depression. 

   I have told my husband to go ahead and divorce me if he really wants to hear a judge laugh his butt off......"Your Honor, she doesn't cheat on me, drink, do drugs, gamble or shop our money away. She does take care of most of the responsibilities at home, takes good care of our kids, stands by me in the rough spots, and puts out at least once a week whether shes interrested in doing it or not (sometimes just to keep me from pouting like a 5 year old.) and mowes the yard once a week in the summer so I don't  have to and mowing our yard requires a tractor........but I still want out because she wont act like a porn star every night.  PU-LEESE! Wouldn't you laugh?  

    If you love somebody and are without -a-doubt committed you accept the things you can't change sometimes and go on with life. Would you be better off without. Only if sex means more to you than love.