Topic : Differing Sex Drives

 Hi,

My husband is a good guy,  never abusive or mean, not bossy either.  Not like the awful mean husbands on the show.  So, what do I have to complain about?  He rarely wants sex. We didn't have sex until our wedding night, but I thought once we were married the fun would never stop. Even on our honeymoon (25 years ago)  he was dissapointed and really would rather I left him alone.  Back then I was 112lbs, cute or pretty depending on who you talked to, very fit,  And VERY horny.  I read all sorts of books on marraige and they all (even the christian ones) said "men LOVE sex, it's how you can show them you love them, initiate it, he'll LOVE it"  So I did.  He enjoyed it when we did it, but rarely initiated it himself.  One night in the first year of marriage I came out of the bedroom wearing a sexy neglige and he yelled and said "can't you just leave me alone?" ( he was going to college at the time and was studying) That night I decided OK,  I'll leave you alone.  I didn't initiate sex again till I just couldn't take it anymore....We went 3 MONTHS without sex.  Every night I wept as I lay beside him in bed.(he never even noticed).  We didn't have sex again untill I came to him crying my heart out and told him it's been 3 months, don't you love me anymore?  He hadn't even noticed how long it had been.  I felt and still feel utterly rejected as a woman, wife and lover.  I mean men are supposed to be horny, right?  He's supposed to desire me.  We have gone years at a time without sex.  The ONLY time he couldn't keep his hands off me was when I was nursing our son.  You all know what happens when a woman nurses right?  I finally had boobs.  The sex was GREAT!!!!!!  He actually wanted me!!!   However, once our son was weaned and the boobs shrank he stopped wanting me.  I offered to get implants but he said "you're just fine the way you are".  Good answer, nice answer, but I believe it was a lie.

I'm so sad.  I 've given up on looking nice, makup,  keeping the weight off.   It never made any difference when I was young and pretty, why should it make any difference now?  I've been diagnosed with depression and am on medication.  I gave up on happiness long ago.  But now I REAlIZE, I'M MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My Dr. says that this is good, that I'm coming out of the fog I've been in for so many years.  He says that  careing  again instead of just being dead inside is a good thing.  But I resent so many things, and this is one of the biggest.  I've been faithful to my husband, but I feel like he's starved me of sex,  and I'm not about to go outside of my marraige for it.  I took vows and have kept them.  But darn it, I'm so lonely and feel so ugly and unwanted.  I'm crying now as I type this.  Fixing myself up doesn't work. (tried that). Losing weight and getting fit doesn't work (tried that)  Makeup doesn't work, (tried that)  Is there ANYTHING I can do?

I see women who don't want to  have sex with their husbands.or feel used by their husbands.  That would be bad, but try being invisable unless his laundry isn't done, or I don't fix dinner (did that once, THAT got a reaction!!).
I feel like I'm his mommy, not his wife.
He's had his hormone levels tested.  Our Dr. thought maybe he was abused, but he's been to a counselor about 5 times and the counselor doesn't think he was abused.  I don't know what else to do. And I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.
HELP ME DR. PHIL!!!!!!!

 Not having the sexual relationship is for me, a total rejection of ME.  In regards to my husband,I'm not different than anyone else.  This is supposed to be something that sets me apart from every other woman on earth, but he doesn't desire that relationship, and  It's heart breaking to me.. If there's a difference between sex and making love, I don't know what it is.   That sounds awful I know,    I'm so happy that he's paying any attention to me at all, that I'm not about to be picky.

I also highly doubt that a judge would disagree with me. In fact i would not be surprized if a judge asked me why i have been waiting. I was the one pushing and sometimes practically dragging my wife to get her icence. I live in a small town where public transportation is mostly non existant even the train station is a 20 minute drive! I had to try talking her into getting her licence every day and constantly encourage her and be there to help her every step of the way and i don't mean just a little encouragement it was a test i swear to see if i was going to give up and just let her be lazy. Now i have to bug her to get information about getting her high school degree and constantly encourage her and such on this issue also. She has ALL day at home with a great internet connection there is nothing she can not research on her own but yet I have to come home and look things up and call places and such. She wants to get her teeth fixed so guess what MORE work for me more places i need to call more things for me to research! Why is it I have to do everything! The only thing she normally will do around the house is the cooking. I get to do the cleaning laundry maintenance and everything else. She contributes very little to the house. I love her a lot but thats not all that being married or even a good relationship is about. She made a lot of promises to me before we got married now that we are married she has all of the tools required to do what she promised to and she has yet to even pick one up and give it a swing. 

  

If i had a wife that did the cooking cleaning and such and took care of me I don't know what i would do! I would have so much free time when i got home i would probably be bored out of my mind. I would love to have at least a self sufficient wife that can look up doctors in the yellow pages and pick up the phone and call them to find out info she needs just that alone would be really nice. 

I think sex sucks actually.  I could go the rest of my life and not have it every again and be totally happy and fulfilled as a human being.  I've spent years dealing with a man who's wanted it way too often in my book and him not dealing with my problems of intimacy and sexual issues since I was sexually abused as a child.  Things are better now but sex still isn't high on my list. 

  

Not exactly something i could say i am an expert on at all. To me the differance between love and sex generally above anything else was the relationship. Sex is what happens when you pick someone up from a bar for a fun 1 nighter and love is what happens between 2 people in love that want to continue a strong relationship. To me love can be a spontaniouse act not requiring houres of preperation and setting of candels and such. There is such a fine line and i think that just about everyone out there has some sort of pre-concieved notion of what love is and what sex is. Maybe it is mostly a guy thing also but to me should i ever have sex with my wife (assuming that day does happen!) we will be makeing love because we are in a very commited relationship and love each other deeply. 

  

As far as emotions well lets just say right now i am on a strong anti depresent and i still have the great joy of dealing with my mood swings. This started about 2 monthes ago and i she knows about it and accualyl asked if it was because she has not been intimate with me. How in the world deos a careing guy ever answere a question like that!? I myself am in therapy for this to at least keep my head together but she totally refuses to come with me to talk and she will not go on her own. I feel like the relationship is heading straight for a dead end even tho i am trying to get onto a cross country highway. This is very fusterating to deal with and i sometimes don't know why i bother. I don't need a woman to feel complete and she is not contributing to the house.  

Not exactly something i could say i am an expert on at all. To me the differance between love and sex generally above anything else was the relationship. Sex is what happens when you pick someone up from a bar for a fun 1 nighter and love is what happens between 2 people in love that want to continue a strong relationship. To me love can be a spontaniouse act not requiring houres of preperation and setting of candels and such. There is such a fine line and i think that just about everyone out there has some sort of pre-concieved notion of what love is and what sex is. Maybe it is mostly a guy thing also but to me should i ever have sex with my wife (assuming that day does happen!) we will be makeing love because we are in a very commited relationship and love each other deeply. 

  

As far as emotions well lets just say right now i am on a strong anti depresent and i still have the great joy of dealing with my mood swings. This started about 2 monthes ago and i she knows about it and accualyl asked if it was because she has not been intimate with me. How in the world deos a careing guy ever answere a question like that!? I myself am in therapy for this to at least keep my head together but she totally refuses to come with me to talk and she will not go on her own. I feel like the relationship is heading straight for a dead end even tho i am trying to get onto a cross country highway. This is very fusterating to deal with and i sometimes don't know why i bother. I don't need a woman to feel complete and she is not contributing to the house.  

My husband has never been interested in sex.  According to him, he is not gay & not asexual.  Still, if he made love once a year I'm pretty sure he'd be happy.  Now for the kicker...he is an EXCELLENT performer in bed.  We've been married 7 yrs, I just turned 40, and we have two teens and a toddler.  None of those things contribute to his dissinterest.  He has never  been interested.  He always occupies every minute doing anything...currently it is online poker, before that it was 21, before that it was hearts, before that it was alcohol.  All along he participates in every fantasy thing you can think of...golf, baseball, etc.  He is a college coach and of course that consumes his mind completely.   

  

I've tried everything I can think of.  Counseling has never worked (several attempts).  I put on see through scarfs, etc...he told me he was "busy."  I ask him if he wants to mess around and he tells me he has tape to watch or is working on something....or he'll be in in a "bit."  Of course, I fall asleep waiting.  Now I don't ask and I don't wait.   

  

I bought a vibrator hoping that would get me through...it doesn't.   

  

I have a very healthy sexual appetite and would love to experiment with some fun things...but I can't even get him into bed.  I ask if he'll go for a drive, he groans and says he' d rather not. 

  

Is there any hope or should I just let it go?  I've already made the decision to be done with this headache but continue to stay for the kids because I've heard that's what's best for them 

I too am going through the exact same thing.  I could have wrote your note.  WHY????WHY????WHY????  Same story exactly...we waited for the most part until marriage, etc. etc. etc.   If anyone has answers PLEEEEASE tell usl.

Your story is my story.  That's why I'm here on the message board at ten to one in the morning instead of in bed where my loving but no-sex husband is waiting. 

  

The anger, the depression, the "I've tried everything - nothing works," I've been through it all.  Does anyone have any answers?  Life is short, and I'd hate to look back and regret all the years that were wasted. 

Do not, repeat do not, under any conditions marry this man until and unless you get this situation worked out.  Trust me, it will only get worse.  I've been married 25 years, and the sex differences started on the honeymoon.  Now sex is almost non-existent.  I feel anger, resentment, depression, frustration, you name it.  He is otherwise a wonderful man. 

  

If you can get this straightened out now, great.  If not, find someone whose sex drive matches your own.  It's just not worth it.  And, for heaven's sake, do not get pregnant.