Ok, forgive the length of this, but i'm going to spill it all to get it out. It's also my first time posting. It involves lots of diff events I know and they seem unrelated, but...
well, i'd just love some advice or knowing there's someone out there listening...
Been married 13 years, have 3 kids. Thought we had the fairy tale marriage, we are best friends. He is a very sensitive guy who would give the shirt off his back to a complete stranger.
We have VERY diff sex drives, mine being in high gear at all times, his being well below average. We are both in our late 30s. The past 5 years , our sex life would be non-existent (or only a couple of times a year ) if I let him alone. I am attractive, keep myself trim , clean, exercise and eat well. I'm a stay at home mom for now. I"ve tried lingerie, making his fav dinner and giving him winks across the table, surprising him by taking him away for the weekend, making it VERY obvious by comign to bed naked... Sometimes it worked, but more times than I can count, I was pushed away or given an excuse. He's tIred, upset stomach, back hurt, soemtimes it was even that he felt upset that the house wasn't clean or that I was upset with the kids... and for a while there he was on medication... It was our only issue, he got defensive, but refused to get checked out, I suppose it was a source of embarrassment. It was a very sore spot for me, I had low self -esteem to begin with, this rejection was really starting to eat away at me. And it hurt me bad that he was not willing to try or talk to someone to help fix it out of love for me. Anyway, I just (sort of) learned to accept that that's the way it is, although every once in a while, I'd do some real irrational thinking.. thinking 1. it was me not good enough, 2. there was someone else 3. maybe he's gay I do admit that sex if a validation of sorts for me (boosting my ego) and maybe I shouldn't look at it like that, but I just think it should come naturally if you love a person. For a while, I vocalized my fears and he would reassure me, but then that just became annoying to him, i suppose and so he said it was my problem for being so insecure. He would go away for business for a few weeks at a time and tell me on the phone how much he missed me and wanted me and then when he came back, I'd still wait a month for him to want to make love.
He started drinking about 2 years ago from high job stress and then started anti-depressants. So, he had a new excuse to not have an intimate relationship with me. (medication...) We went over a year without sex. It was not ok with me and I told him so, sometimes nicely, sometimes not so nicely, but again, he was not willing to change it. One day, I accidentally found pics of porn on the computer. I was physically sick. It took a day to confront him and he jsut said sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. Talk about a knife in the back ! it really sounded like he wanted to hlep my insecurities, huh? I felt totally betrayed and cheated on, knowing all that time he was lying to me and that using the 'medication' excuse was just a line. And, of course, his job involves the computer, he's so much more savvy than me, so there's always, even now, suspicion, justified or not.
I was (am) non-confrontational so let it go,(struggled everyday with my insecurities at this point) until, he was upping the ante, drinking more and more , on the computer all hours of the night, totally shutting the kids and I out, and even going out with friends and drinking and driving. He was drinking everyday at this point and one day, I had to get in his face to get him to listen to me. It was highly unlike me, but I got to the breaking point. He got so outraged and chased after me . Got physical with me and in front of the kids (he didn't know they were there). IT shocked the H** out of me that this man was capable of this. I can't get over it and it's been almost a year. He was sorry afterwards and seemed withdrawn for about a week. I was a fool and just said 'it's ok', seeming to brush it off. He never got physical again, and did slow down with the drinking, but didn't stop.
We moved to a new house, new job, and I thought ok, it was a fresh start.. He still drank and went out with his new friends one day for over 8 hours. Refused to answer his cell phone. My mind raced and I was outraged, but at the same time, feared him due to the prior incident. Going out with friends was no big deal to him. I put my foot down and asked him to leave, which he didn't. He said he had no where to go and just slept on the couch for a few weeks. Again, showed me he didn't respect me enough to think of me as an equal. I think he realized that I was serious at this point.
Anyway, I thought this wiould all be over by now. there are times when I'm remembering and I just can't look him in the eye. He just seems like a diff person than i expected and I can't look at him in the same light as before. He said that that's part of the problem, is that I put him on a pedestal to begin with. Maybe that's true, but I am scarred and changed. And I'm obviously angry still and full of resentment.
As far as our love live, he's only in the mood to make love if all the planets are aligned, all the kids are healthy, the dinner went well, i'm in a good and happy mood, the house is clean, he had a good day at work and got a lot accomplished.... you get the point. So, we're talking about once every 2 motnhs or so. We;ve had conversations about what's happened over the past year. He has the attitude that it's the past, he said he's sorry and to get over it. He's forgiven himself and gone to confession, end of the story in his book. I do admit I have trouble with forgiveness, but all these major things over the past year or so have really raised red flags about the future of our relationship. Almost every conversation with him over the past year has ended with ' why don't I go see a therapist/doctor and get some anti-depressants?' Or maybe I should work full time so i don't have the time to think about it so much. that's his suggestion. I get really really resentful at this point and totally shut down, sure, just medicate me to make me happy, that will solve everything....
Right now, I'm just feeling numb to it all, confused, hurt and trying to focus on my kids. Don't know how to get over it... Also, I am looking for work, to feel like there's something out there I can accomplish for me. I took Dr. Phil's quiz about relationships and apparently, I'm going through an emotional divorce right now. Will look up and go to a therapist, prob by myself. Our family knows there's problems, but doesn't know the scope. I still too angry and wanting him to 'pay'. I don't even know what that means. My husband is feeling my withdrawal and keeps asking what's wrong... Now that I'm withdrawing, he's interested in my emotion and my state of mind... I find that very interesting. Anytime we try to talk about it, he gets frustrated, doesn't like hashing up the past, gets defensive and then I get defensive... nothing solved.. i don't have an answer and I know he's wnating something concrete..
Any advice from anyone? if not, that's ok, just getting it all out there is helpful... thanks
