I was watching a Dr Phil show the other day and he said that sexual desire was all in the head. That has been haunting me all week because I don't find my husband attractive at all, and it makes me feel very guilty and sad. We have been together sixteen years and he was my idea of an attractive man only one of those years. It is quite ironic because I have always been able to find something attractive about most men. The only two things that leaves me cold are beards and fat. For the last 15 years, my husband has been fat and getting fatter; For the last 11 years, he has had a beard,too. One of the most arousing features of sex for me, has always been the feel of a man's muscles and contours of his body. When I met him, I loved his strong chin, his broad shoulders, lean waist, nice bum and strong thighs. Over the years, all these features have been covered in a several layers of fat. I don't feel I have a single visual or tactile turn-on left. To be honest, touching him intimately makes me feel like I'm making love to a woman; he has so many curves - and much bigger boobs than me!
On the other hand, he is a good and kind man, with a big soft heart. I don't want to hurt him or make him feel rejected so I have sex with him regularly. On days like this, though, I feel desperate at the thought of spending the rest of my life having sex with someone I find completely unattractive physically. It feels like I've been sentenced to community service for the rest of my life! How do I change this situation? My husband says I have a low libido. No doubt my long-term health problems has had some effect on my libido, but my dreams are incredibly hot and sexy (I sometimes have orgasms!) which makes me think my libido is not the problem. I've tried fantasising during sex but that doesn't work. A few years ago, I plucked up the courage to talk to my husband about the issue and how important to me it would be if he lost weight. I even bought him Dr Phils CDs. He hasn't listened to them or done anything about his weight. I am at a loss to know what to do.
If this problem was reversed, and I suddenly became the type of woman my husband found very unappealing (ie. if I became fat and didn't shave under my arms), sex would be a very big issue because he wouldn't be aroused by me. But because I, as a woman, am able to have sex without being aroused, my needs are ignored.
Yet watching Dr Phil's show, I feel like the problem is mine - if I love my husband, I would find him desirable regardless of how he looks. In theory, this sounds so nice but I just don't see how it works in reality. We all have sexual triggers and turnoffs. If none of the triggers are present and all of the turnoffs ARE, how do we program ourselves to feel sexual desire? I am feeling very confused, depressed and a bit of a bitch, actually, so any clarification and advice would be very welcome.
