The first thing -- Are you married to my husband??? I thought I was reading something that I wrote 21 years 2 months ago. I was going on 30 and he was 33 when we met. We married when he was 38 and I was 34. We did have some sex during the 5 years of dating and also the first year and one-half until I conceived. What a wonderful time of my life. I felt like a princess the entire time. Then I went into labor. I thought something had happened during my delivery because my life changed completely. I felt as if I was Rosemary from "Rosemary's Baby" -- my husband forgot who I was. The child was delivered, was healthy and he got what he wanted. He decided, without talking to me about it that he no longer wanted to have sex with me. He refuses to talk about it or to go the doctor's and find out if there is something wrong, either physically or mentally. We have a child together that we both adore , so divorce is out of the question. I went for years trying to find out what was wrong with me; why wouldn't this man that asked me to marry him ignore me??? I tried to kill myself 5+ times because I always felt I wasn't good enough, or that I was ugly and/or fat - I got down to 103 and he never even noticed. He even refused BJ's!!!!! He had his child. I could go on and on about the dysfunctional life I was living until I FINALLY realized it had nothing to do with me -- it was all about him!!!! I finally realized how self-absorbed, self-centered, the "world revolves around me attitude" he was and had. I realized one thing right then: I was trying to kill myself, trying to compete with this man's self-image of himself and I was fighting a losing battle. I realized that nothing I did or how I dressed up trying to turn him on or how I cleaned the house, or how many t times I tried to kill myself, NOTHING was going to make him notice me in the bedroom or anywhere.
Now, I will be honest, during part of this time of him ignoring me, I did have a few affairs, one night stands, going out and acting single. I believed he knew that something was going on but to ask questions might appear as if he cared and that wasn't about to happen. It finally took a phone call from a "friend's" wife informing him of mine and her husband's relationship for him to confront me. To this day, he still will not talk about "my affairs," or why I had the affairs. To talk about it would mean he would have to acknowledge it and his role in it. Then, he would have to talk about it. You wouldn't believe the large lump of crap he has swept under the carpet hoping that when he goes to sleep at night it will evaporate up the chimney. Guess what, it ate a hole through the carpet and he had to spend $1,500 on new carpet, LOL!!!!
I'm sorry to say, after all of these years, 22 in all, I finally moved out of the bedroom 4 years ago. It was very difficult for me to share my bed with this man that took me as his wife until I gave him a child and then tossed me away like a worn out shoe. I stopped having affairs; it felt good while it was going on and sometimes the highs would last for weeks. But once I came down from that high, I was still very sad and lonely. Yes, I miss being held, being told that I'm pretty, or hot, or sexy; but that's okay because now I KNOW I'm hot and sexy and pretty and I do not NEED some one to tell me that I am because I feel it!!! What I decided to do instead of having affairs was to start some heavy counseling, to figure out why I hated myself so much and to find a way to love me. After about 6 years of counseling I have turned into a pretty strong woman. I am polite to my husband. I will kiss him good bye in the morning, hello when he comes home. I will cook dinner, go on vacation with him and our child, and even go out to dinner just the two of us. But now, as each of these days come to an end and it's time for the lights to go out, I will give him a kiss goodnight, turn out the lights, and as I turn my back on him, I pull his bedroom door shut and go into my own room, I smile and say "I no longer NEED him to touch me, he just has to be respectful and kind to me and pay my bills. He thinks he is the king of his castle, when we all know, I am the "domestic goddess" of "OUR" castle!!! ( I have already checked out my state's divorce laws.)
If your husband won't talk to you about your relationship, ask him to go to counseling with you. You will also need your own counseling. If he refuses to go to counseling with you, go by yourself. Please do not allow your husband's behavior to infulence you as to how you feel about yourself. You have a right to know why things aren't working in the bedroom or in any other room in the house. He is being very selfish by denying you of an intimate relationship with him. The least he owes you is an explaination so YOU can decide if this is the way YOU want to live. I wish you all the luck in the world. A very wise woman told me this a few years ago, "You need to take care of yourself because if you don't, no one else will."
