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Topic : Differing Sex Drives

Number of Replies: 1827
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:17:33 pm
Author : dataimport
"He wants it twice a day!" "She would be happy to go a whole month without touching me." Does this sound familiar?

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August 12, 2005, 6:38 pm CDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: latingirl

Well you both need to work on this issue together.  No matter if he weighs 100 lbs extra, he is still your husband and if you want sex....well he is the only one you have, so make it work.  You should make plans to do stuff together, like working out, making a healthy dinner together.  Going on a walk or jog also is great for a couple to do together.  You still need to love him no matter what he looks like.  

But he does need to see someone in regards to his non-sexual cravings.  I am sure you have talked to him several times but he just doesn't get it and will not get it until someone else says it to him.  You should make an appt for both of you to see someone, together and see what he says. 

  

thanks fo the advice and I do love him no matter what- the weird thing about his weight issue isn't that i wasn't attracted to the way he looks, he is still very handsome to me, it was his eating habits. but nontheless we have talked openly about our feelings from day one so we had a talk about it and things are better, it is going to be a on going issue as far as the sex thing is concerned. but i am not going anywhere.
 
August 18, 2005, 5:56 pm CDT

I find my husband unattractive

I was watching a Dr Phil show the other day and he said that sexual desire was all in the head.  That has been haunting me all week because I don't find my husband attractive at all, and it makes me feel very guilty and sad.  We have been together sixteen years and he was my idea of an attractive man only one of those years.  It is quite ironic because I have always been able to find something attractive about most men.  The only two things that leaves me cold are beards and fat.  For the last 15 years, my husband has been fat and getting fatter; For the last 11 years, he has had a beard,too.  One of the most arousing features of sex for me, has always been the feel of a man's muscles and contours of his body. When I met him, I loved his strong chin, his broad shoulders, lean waist, nice bum and strong thighs.  Over the years, all these features have been covered in a several layers of fat.  I don't feel I have a single visual or tactile turn-on left.  To be honest, touching him intimately makes me feel like I'm making love to a woman; he has so many curves - and much bigger boobs than me!  

   

On the other hand, he is a good and kind man, with a big soft heart.  I don't want to hurt him or make him feel rejected so I have sex with him regularly.  On days like this, though, I feel desperate at the thought of spending the rest of my life having sex with someone I find completely unattractive physically.  It feels like I've been sentenced to community service for the rest of my life!  How do I change this situation?  My husband says I have a low libido.  No doubt my long-term health problems has had some effect on my libido, but my dreams are incredibly hot and sexy (I sometimes have orgasms!) which makes me think my libido is not the problem.  I've tried fantasising during sex but that doesn't work.  A few years ago, I plucked up the courage to talk to my husband about the issue and how important to me it would be if he lost weight.  I even bought him Dr Phils CDs.  He hasn't listened to them or done anything about his weight.  I am at a loss to know what to do.  

   

If this problem was reversed, and I suddenly became the type of woman my husband found very unappealing (ie. if I became fat and didn't shave under my arms), sex would be a very big issue because he wouldn't be aroused by me.  But because I, as a woman, am able to have sex without being aroused, my needs are ignored.  

   

Yet watching Dr Phil's show, I feel like the problem is mine - if I love my husband, I would find him desirable regardless of how he looks.  In theory, this sounds so nice but I just don't see how it works in reality.  We all have sexual triggers and turnoffs.  If none of the triggers are present and all of the turnoffs ARE, how do we program ourselves to feel sexual desire?  I am feeling very confused, depressed and a bit of a bitch, actually, so any clarification and advice would be very welcome.  

 
August 19, 2005, 11:17 am CDT

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August 20, 2005, 10:52 am CDT

gaining weight over the years

Quote From: amanda04

thanks fo the advice and I do love him no matter what- the weird thing about his weight issue isn't that i wasn't attracted to the way he looks, he is still very handsome to me, it was his eating habits. but nontheless we have talked openly about our feelings from day one so we had a talk about it and things are better, it is going to be a on going issue as far as the sex thing is concerned. but i am not going anywhere.
When my ex husband and I got married, he was 156lbs and over our 6 year marriage he got up to 220lbs and he is only 5'6"!  I tried everything, we talked about it, I cooked only good stuff for him, I supported his no carb diet, but he sneaked.  He divorced me because he wanted us to start over and be friends, (long story), but in the past 4 years since our divorce he has lost all his weight and works out everyday.  He looks great!  He needed to do it by himself.  He now wants to get back together and is still very much in love with me, but I am in an on and off relationship and have a 2 yr old son.  I have so many resentments for him, but I do still love him, I just don't know how to deal with the resentment and with that, i have tried everything in my current relationship to stay together becasue I don't want to give up like my ex gave up on me, even though it is not a good one. Sorry, got off the subject.  Our sex life was real bad when we were married because of his self asteem, not cause of me.
 
August 20, 2005, 9:02 pm CDT

I haven't posted in a long time

 I all. My husband and I have been having great sex. I think my losing some weight has helped out a lot. We are trying different things and having a lot more sex than we used to. I am so happy that our sex drives are slowly getting back to the way they were when we were dating. We had great sex in those days. Pal how have you been? Long time no talk. Take care all. I have to get ready for work.
 
September 3, 2005, 11:08 am CDT

helppppppppp

hi there. this is the first time i am using the message board and i am really hoping i can get some help or advice. i have been married to the same man for the last 23 years and we have been together for 25 years. our sex life was GREAT and improving all the time until i had my hysterectomy last year. i had complication after the surgery which was sorted out before i was back in the ward. since this time my husband cannot get an erection and when he does it lasts a few seconds. my sex drive has improved since the surgery. help me! i don't know what to do.  

 
September 5, 2005, 6:16 pm CDT

I'm confused

Quote From: chersgaz

hi there. this is the first time i am using the message board and i am really hoping i can get some help or advice. i have been married to the same man for the last 23 years and we have been together for 25 years. our sex life was GREAT and improving all the time until i had my hysterectomy last year. i had complication after the surgery which was sorted out before i was back in the ward. since this time my husband cannot get an erection and when he does it lasts a few seconds. my sex drive has improved since the surgery. help me! i don't know what to do.  

You think that your H can't get it up because of your hysterectomy? What does he say? Just because you take the fish out of the fish bowl, its still a fish bowl!!  What I'm trying to say is just because your missing the internal parts to hold a fetus,that doesn't make you any less a woman.... It may make him less of a man though if thats what he's thinking.. 

  

Maybe you need to have a little chat, maybe he's confused on what they took out? If you want to save your sexual part of your marriage, a year is way to long to put this on the back burner. I'd say its time to get this straightned out.  Maybe he is having male problems and doesn't want to go to the Dr.? Some serious questions need to be asked and a frank discussion needs to follow. 

  

I too had a hysterectomy 14yrs ago, and I can tell you... my sex drive went thru the roof!!! The pain was gone, the tumors gone,,no worry about unwanted pregnancy... it was liberating to say the least. Don't waste your sexuality...find out whats wrong with him..good luck ~Redneon 

 
September 7, 2005, 2:55 pm CDT

help me say no!

I've been in a sexless marriage for 15 yrs. Other than that our relationship is good. Since neither one of us wants it, it didn't bother me until I met a younger, great (also married) guy. He has awoken feelings in me that had been dead for years. We have a chemistry that has sparkled my life. No, we haven't slept together, in fact we just like to hang out and talk. But I think about having hot sex with him 24/7. I'm embarrased and ashamed but I'd like to feel alive again, is that so wrong? Please help me say no!
 
September 7, 2005, 3:24 pm CDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: julier

I've been in a sexless marriage for 15 yrs. Other than that our relationship is good. Since neither one of us wants it, it didn't bother me until I met a younger, great (also married) guy. He has awoken feelings in me that had been dead for years. We have a chemistry that has sparkled my life. No, we haven't slept together, in fact we just like to hang out and talk. But I think about having hot sex with him 24/7. I'm embarrased and ashamed but I'd like to feel alive again, is that so wrong? Please help me say no!
Tell your husband how you're feeling. That ought to help you say no. And you have to say no because not only are you married but so is the guy. You have no right to destroy his life just because you want to use him to feel a certain way. You need to start having sex with your husband again. The two of you need to commit together to repairing your marriage so that sex is once again a desire you both have for each other. If he isn't willing to do this, then I think you owe it to both yourself and him to end the marriage, because obviously you miss sex. Put the focus back on your marriage and try like hell to get it back to a good place. Cut off all contact with this other guy and empower your husband to hold you accountable. If, after a reasonable time, things still haven't improved with your husband and the marriage is still sexless, then at least you'll know that you've tried everything and that you've truly earned your way out of the marriage.
 
September 7, 2005, 5:34 pm CDT

tell him? i don't think so

Quote From: lilacmess

Tell your husband how you're feeling. That ought to help you say no. And you have to say no because not only are you married but so is the guy. You have no right to destroy his life just because you want to use him to feel a certain way. You need to start having sex with your husband again. The two of you need to commit together to repairing your marriage so that sex is once again a desire you both have for each other. If he isn't willing to do this, then I think you owe it to both yourself and him to end the marriage, because obviously you miss sex. Put the focus back on your marriage and try like hell to get it back to a good place. Cut off all contact with this other guy and empower your husband to hold you accountable. If, after a reasonable time, things still haven't improved with your husband and the marriage is still sexless, then at least you'll know that you've tried everything and that you've truly earned your way out of the marriage.
I don't think that will help. It's only going to make him jealous. I think I'm going to see a counselor first. But thanks for helping me put my brakes on. You have a valid point.
 
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