Topic : Differing Sex Drives

Have you tried talking about it with him, without, of course, making him feel bad about it. Just to understand why? At 30, his sex drive should still be there!! Mine is 41 and it's still there, beleive me!!!

Have you tried wearing something ultra sexy, not scanky, but sexy and just parade around the house without talking about it, and wait and see if he jumps to the occasion!!! They say women are difficult litlle creatures, well so are men!! lol

My situation is similar to yours except that our relationship has been basically sexless for the last decade.  I am 38 and my husband is 40, we met when I was 22 and married 2 years later.  We have 2 children 9 & 7 years and i basically had to demand sex in order to concieve either of them.  Over the past  5 years it has gotten worse, my husband will not instigate sex except maybe once every 3 months, I no longer even try, I can't tell you how many times he has rejected me or ignored my advances.  I have tried to get him interested by getting dressed up, buying porn and toys, having xxx waxing and it makes no difference, I slept naked for 8 years and then tried sleeping in PJs thinking that if maybe he didnt see me naked for a while he might get the desire but nothing happens, the porn video is still in the paper bag and we watched it twice in 5 years.  We get on well except for this, more like good friends, we rarely fight and the only thing that used to cause arguements was sex. 

About 10 months ago, I finally convinced him to see our GP, he found he is extremely low in testosterone (levels of 80 year old man!) Our GP is also a Chinese Herbalist and recommended a herbal approach first, he was given tablets to take daily and was meant to go back for testing in about 3-4 months.  The first course were meant to last 30 days and he was still on the same bottle nearly 3 months later, then he stopped taking them because they don't work.  He has not been back and I really don't think he has any intention to fix this. 

I don't think that I am an oversexed person, I would be happy with once a week if it was mutually enjoyable, but I find I can't get in thee mood anymore because I spend my whole life keeping my feelings down or I feel like I will explode,  that when he does instigate it I can't relax and enjoy it, I feel like I end up just servicing him. 

He is also not in any way affectionate, the only time he kisses or hugs me it when he wants sex, the rest of the time there is nothing, except a kiss in the morning as he leaves for work.  I am at the stage where I would rather never have sex with him again and then at least I would know where I stand.  I think it is the lack of affection which is the hardest to cope with, I can fix the sexual desire myself but can't do the love and affection.  When my children were little I think that they to a degree filled that void but now they are older, they are not as affectionate.  I have said to my husband that children learn from their environment and I don't want our son to grow up and treat his wife the same, but I cant make my husband want or desire me, he has to want to fix this himself.  He suggested we see a counsellor beçause of my issues with this.

I have felt spent the last decade going from feeling rage or anger, to sorrow to hopelesness to feeling inadequate to ugly, to undesirable.  I feel shallow because he has a medical condition and I cant accept it - I mean if he had cancer and couldn't have sex would I feel like this?

Sorry to sound so down, but I went out with the girls last night and over dinner got to talking about how they have to beat their husbands off with a stick and how they júst wish that their husband's would give them a break - I just sat there silently thinking that they should be careful what they wish for.  I no longer confide in anyone about this anymore as I usually get the he must be gay, or having an affair comment or it becomes the joke over dinner.

I, unfortunately, don't have any advice for you because I'm in exactly the same boat as you are. My husband and I have been married for six years - together for 10 - and haven't had sex in 8 years (yes, you did the math correctly, we never consummated our marriage).  Completely his doing.  No matter how hard I try, he just won't touch me.  He, too, has low testosterone, but won't do anything to remedy it.  He says it's not a problem for him, therefore, it shouldn't be a problem for me.  He is EXTREMELY overweight, hasn't taken care of himself in years, and just doesn't seem interested in ever doing so.

My self esteem was down the toilet.  I LOATHED myself.  Last year I decided to pick myself up by my bootstraps and stop wallowing in my misery.  I lost weight, got a cute haircut, bought great clothes, got a new job, and have finally realized that it ISN'T ME.  It IS him.  And his problem needs to be dealt with or I'm leaving this marriage.

I know he isn't having an affair - Unfortunately he rarely leaves the house.  Ruling out "gay" however, is another story.  I've often thought that he might be gay, but has kept it to himself all these years.  He does have tendencies that I have questioned in the past. 

I have had a couple of innocent affairs over the the past couple of years.  I had to.  I was literally going crazy from the lack of intimacy.  I would never condone affairs in any other circumstance, but I feel that he leaves me no choice.  How can he expect me to go sexless for the rest of my life?  I have also contemplated divorce, which still isn't out of the question.  I just have to get up the nerve to do so.

I  just want you to know that you're not alone.  Your post meant a lot to me because it made me see that I wasn't alone, either.  Though I hate to see someone suffering in the same way that I am, I am somewhat relieved to see that other men have low sex drives, too. 

What do you plan on doing about this?????

My wife and I have been married for almost 18 years.  We have 2 children (boys - one12 & the other 6).  To this day we still face very difficult issues with physical intimacy.  I am open for anything/everything and she is not.  I know I can only be responsible for me ... but as a couple I truly want her to do the things that married folks should and want to do.  I am willing to face my own demons and come to a place where her and I can be "normal" (whatever that is).  She on the other hand was molested as a kid and simply doesn't deal with things.  God has worked miracles in her (our) life but God won't do, unless she is willing too, after all He loves us so much that He gave us our own free will.  My wife thinks that since she doesn't need/want sex .. that I should be the same.  She thinks that I have an addition.  She thinks that there is something wrong with me....  I would describe myself as a typical red blooded American male who has always liked all aspects of sex.  I have everything in life except a meaningful sexual relationship with my wife.  I have been begging God to fix this...  but I know in my heart that it must start with me first and I also know that sheisn't going to do what she isn't going to do ... and there is no one who will change her attitude/position on it.  Any Suggestions?

I have had the same issue with my husband of 3 years.  He's 5 years younger than me, I'm 43.  It started with us within the first 3 months we were married.  He usually had all the excuses "too tired, knees hurt(surgery on one knee, the other bad), migraines"; I finally told him that he needed to get to the doctor because he was too young to be having this kind of health issues to the point he doesn't want to have sex!  Once we went 5 months.....I told him after that that I WOULD not go through that again.   We have been seeing a councelor for 2 1/2 years, he's had all the testosterone and medical testing necessary to rule out those things for the low libido.  He was started on mild antidepressants, which seemed to have helped as we have gone from 2-3 months to once a month! Yippee!

We have between us; 7 children, my three and his four.  The eldest 3 are out of the house and his 16 and 10 year old live at their moms ; while my 16 and 11 year old are with us.  So yes, there are alot of things going on.  But they are life issues that should be dealt with, and if we need help there is always the councelor.....I have had to look long and hard at the situation.  At one point; I had worked up several theories.   #1 . Maybe  he has been so emotionally damaged from previous disasterous relationships that he is incapable of having a non-dysfunctional relationship with me; and therefore; is incapable of being my husband.   #2. He has known all along that he didn't want a physical relationship, but didn't know how to explain it to me other than the usual "I don't know why I don't want to, if I knew that I'd change it" excuse; and  is incapable of being my husband. (He's my best friend and roommate) or even uglier # 3. He's been less than honest about his sexual orientation; and that renders him incapable of being my husband.

For anyone who has wondered about #3; I would recommend Bonnie Kaye, M.ed., Is he Straight? and Gay husbands/Straight Wives.    Those books are a real eye opener.  I have brought it up in counceling ; which of course horrified him.  But he realizes how serious this situation is and decided that he really doesn't need to know "why" it's happening, that he just has to change it.

Over the last 6 months he has really done an about face and is trying to change, since he knows it isn't just a whim on my part but an intergral part of who I am.  I refuse to be neutered, I will not "accept it or just live with it".  Sex between Man and Wife should be an extension of the love you feel for each other, and to withhold it from one or the other when a person KNOWS how important it is for the well being of the other is purely wrong.

I would say Take heart!  People who truely want to can change, even though at this point the love making isn't as spontaneous but rather seems like something put on the "to do " list , like doing the laundry; but that isn't a bad thing.  ;)  my husband really does love me and wants for us to be able to have a good marriage. 

 i;m in the same boat. i want it all the time,but my husband don't. i really don't know what to say. it is good to know i;'m not the only one...

i'm a married woman and mother of 2 gurls one 2 and one 4.. my husbands and mine sex life is a once a month every few months type of deal since the youngest has been born.. he wants it whenever and i want it maybe like once every few months or once a month or when i want it which isn't much.. i feel bad before jessi came along our sex life was great it was like all over the place here and there anywhere we could get it.. my first daughter isn't his and maybe tha'ts the prob.. does every woman go through this maybe for a period or am i totally nuts.. i have been digonosed with HPV (the cervical causing cancer) back in july 2005 and i had surgery on my cervix in aug 2005 things haven't been the same even up until this year with constant spotting, cramps and nasua during and after sex it could be that because i totally love my husband and we have a pretty awesome relationship other then the fact that i just dont' have a sexual drive at the moment. i'm trying to get the mojo back just dont' knwo where it took off too.. can someone maybe give me some suggestions?? is it  because i'm scared of geting pregnant again or is it because the gurls room is right beside ours and seperating us is only a drywall wall?? someone give me some insight please??