Topic : Differing Sex Drives

I am a 31 year old female with 4 children.  My youngest is 4 months old.  I already had issues with lack of desire before my baby was born.  Now I don't want to at all.  Nothing stimulates me, not even oral sex.  This is completely ruining my relationship.  He is not at all supportive and we argue all the time.  That only makes it worse.  I can't win. When I do have sex, he complains I'm unresponsive.  I can only fake it so many times.  It's becoming like a chore, I cringe inside when he starts pawing at me.  I don't know what to do.  I used to enjoy sex.  In the past, even when I wasn't in the mood, once we started I'd get into it.  Now I don't.  He takes rejection very hard.  Our family is breaking apart.  I need to know how to fix this.  What's wrong with me?!?

 I hope that you don't think this is strange by me,a guy, responding to you. I speak from experience. I am 35 and have been married for almost 13 years. We went through the same thing and still are to this day. I, myself was very unsupportive of how my wife felt. It became one disappointment after another for me. I became very frustrated with the situation and my wife because I thought that she either didn't want to pleasure me or that I wasn't good enough and that she wasn't trying hard enough. Well, I took all these things personally. What it all came down to was,"selfishness" on my part. Being a guy, I couldn't understand the concept of not wanting and enjoying sex. It didn't make sense to me. But, the one thing that could have save a lot of frustration and heartache would have been for me to focus on her and put her feelings, thoughts and needs first above mine. This is very hard for a guy but it is possible.

 

To answer your question, there is nothing wrong with you. The lack of sexual desire of a woman can be caused by many factors. Stress, lack of sleep and diet are a few examples. But one factor that usually the greatest cause would be the lack of emotional connection between you and your husband. The problem usually is from the fact that your needs are not being met. When your needs are met then you will be able to meet his needs. He has to realize that. I learned a Little too late. I know it sounds simple but it works! I have had to learn this the hard way now I am having to repair a lot of damage from me being selfish. Like I said before, we are still having these issues but it is getting better. I have turned my focus to my wife and meeting her needs. That's how it will work.

I hope that I have helped somewhat. Please let me know if I can do anything. This is such an important thing. You have to catch it early or you'll be like me or worse, divorce, and that will only make things more complicated.

   I have been living with my childhood sweet heart for the past several months.  He is very sexually active and I don't feel like having sex even every second day like he does. He would have more sex more often if he could. I feel very inadequate and feel like this relationship will end soon if I don't put out more.  He has made comments that our relationship won't work because of this .For the most part he will get very angry , yell and be insulting about how I never want to have sex.  I have seen him go into a rage on more than one occasion and it usually starts over sex or my lack of interest.  I always feel that he is threatening to leave if I don't have sex more often. He has walked out on several occasions and I have always gone after him, begging him to stay. Of course this makes me feel pathetic.  We have tried a few sex toys and it has helped, but I still am not motivated sexually. He is always in a rush and is a little rough for my liking, I need to go much slower and I have told him these things and he has tried to a certain degree.  Does anyone have any advice for me? I am desperate.  

Oh, Cheryl, your problem is much more serious than differing sex drives.  Your "sweetheart" is abusive.  Can you see it?  Can you feel it?  That's what the problem is--NOT your sex drive or willingness to have sex.  If you go along with the sex, he will find something else to bother you about.

 

When he says the "relationship won't work because of this," he is saying that it won't work unless you do what he wants, when he wants it.  That will eventually apply to everything, not just sex.  Have you had a chance to read about abuse?  There is an abuse message board here on this website and at the top of the page there is a list of resources.

 

When I heard your words--ANGRY, YELL, INSULTING, RAGE, ROUGH (SEX)--it tells me that it's abuse, not your sex drive.

 

One more thing...no wonder you're not interested.  Most women aren't anxious to jump into bed with a man who "is always in a rush and...rough...."  That does not sound fun, relaxing or loving.  OK, some women might like it, but most don't.  Even if he quit thinking of himself for a few minutes and took time to please you the way a man should, there is still his abusive behavior to deal with. 

 

I think that your sex problem will be solved if you go find yourself a new man, one who loves you, respects you and takes time to make love to you.  Now, doesn't that sound nice?

 

I'm sorry if you were hoping for advice on how to increase your sex drive in order to please your current partner.  I just don't see that as a solution.  What do you think?  How are you feeling about it?

I liked the other message to you, but I wanted to add a little more.  You said that nothing stimulates you.  I would wonder, first, about physical reasons.  Birth control hormones can change things a lot; are you on them?  Changes in your hormones (your testosterone, etc) can cause changes.  Have you had yours tested?  Drugs (antidepressants come to mind) sometimes cause a loss of physical sensation.  I've experienced these things, so I know they're real.  I normally have a very high sex drive, but it was affected. 

 

Well, if you're not really feeling anything, it makes sense that you're unresponsive.  Tell him that you need to find out what is going on physically.  It's not something that you can just turn on.  Please quit faking it.  That's bad for both of you.  Be honest.  If he can't handle it and help you, he's being insensitive and mean, which means you have a much larger problem.  I am guessing that he's emotionally abusive.  Does he know you cringe when he touches you?  You really need to let him know that he needs to be more sensitive. 

 

I think you need to go to a good doctor, preferably a naturopathic physician, and get everything tested and talk about the treatment you're getting at home.  Don't let anyone tell you to put up with it to save your marriage.  There are other ways to handle it. 

 

Will you let me know if you see a doctor and get some answers?  It would be interesting to know what helps in the long run.

I do agree with her. Coming from a guys perspective it is easy to get into this selfish mode. But you have to learn to control it. That is where your husband is. He is no longer thinking about you, only himself. It is very tough to see what he is really doing once he gets to that point of anger. This is to the point of emotional and psychological abuse. I know this for a fact. Someone needs to talk to him about this and it can't be you. It needs to be someone who doesn't have an interest in the issue. If you talk to him he will more times than not take it as nagging. He needs to re focus himself on you and your needs. That is very hard for a man, I know, I've been there and I've caused a lot of damage. He needs to get out of the selfish mode in order to repair things before it's too late. He needs to understand that if he is more giving to you and attentive to your needs then you may be better to meet his and it will be so much better. This is so hard to get this across to some men, including myself. Good luck!!

Katsmith, what's wrong?  I wrote back to you.  I know you were looking for people to be online when you wrote, but maybe you didn't realize that people aren't always here.  We all come and go, taking care of our kids, working, etc.  If your time online is very limited and you want instant messaging, I would be willing to do that with you.  Just give me a username and tell me which IM you use.  You can put it in your profile if you don't feel good about listing it in the messages.  That way, you can take it back out anytime.

 

So, what are you looking for?  What do you want to talk about?

Hey, it's so great that a man agrees with me. 

 

OK, back to the problem....  She is being abused and I like what you said about having someone else talk to him about it.  That's a great point.  I know, because I've spent years talking to people like that and it does no good.  They don't listen to the one they're abusive to.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if he would go to a counselor with her?  Maybe they could have a visit together and then go to individual counseling--both of them--and talk about their own issues and how they affect the relationship. 

 

It's really nice to see that you are taking what you have learned from your lessons and using that to help other people.  I know that you're still working on things in your relationship.  I've found that talking to other people about their problems sometimes helps me to clarify things in my own life.  I hope it will work that way for you.

 

Take care,

Figuritout

Thank you, That's why I feel i need to do it. The relationship between a wife and a husband is so important and people take it for granite. I had to learn the hard way. This is helping me doing this. I almost wish i could do it face to face. This is kind of therapy for me. Thanks for your kind words.

I-guy

Well, not feeling in love with a partner can ruin the sex drive, that's for sure.  Maybe it's that simple.  Based on what you've shared here, I'd agree with your doctor.  Are you motivated to work on the relationship or are you ready to end it?  If you want it to work, I think the next step should be counseling.  Have you tried that?  It might be helpful if you go in once by yourself, to explain the situation.  You and the counselor can decide if/when to include your husband.  The counselor will be able to help you sort out your emotions, which will make it easier to make a decision about the marriage.

 

So, what is going on in the marriage?  Why do you wonder if you'd be better off without him?  Is he a good father to your baby?  Is he domineering?  Are there financial problems?  Does he have bad habits--too much porn, alcohol, drugs, etc?  I'll try to remember to check back every day in case you want to talk about it.