Topic : Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: figuritout

Confused Lady, I've lived through this rejection, so I know how it feels.  There are so many reasons for a man's lack of interest (same for women) that it's sometimes difficult to tell what's wrong.  I read you other post about things being great before the miscarriage.  I wondered if he might be afraid to get you pregnant.  Maybe he doesn't really want a baby.  After reading this last post, though, I can't stop wondering if your husband is having an affair.  I am guessing that it would have started around the time of the miscarriage, maybe even a while before.

 

It sounds like things went from very good to bad in a very short time period.  Most of the guys I've heard about here (and ones I've known) have a lifelong pattern of avoiding sex.  It doesn't just change one day.  I'm talking about the men whose wives are complaining here because of lack of sex when they know there isn't a physical reason. 

 

You mentioned that he has irregular work hours and that his work hours have increased.  I really wonder what he's doing.  Are you sure his paycheck reflects all the hours?  I don't think he's forgetting to say "I love you" and I don't think he's forgetting to kiss you goodnight.  He's withdrawn and avoiding sex.  There are so many red flags.

 

I'm wondering why he wanted to invite another couple to go out with you on your anniversary.  I wouldn't have liked that.  Could he be having the affair with that woman?  It's often someone you know.  That might be why he seemed amused when her partner was showing interest in you.

 

I think he's making excuses to avoid leaving town with you.  It sounds like he has something (someone?) else to spend time with.

 

If I were you (but then I'm not), I would be sure to use the birth control for now.  What if he is cheating? 

 

Have you thought that he might be unfaithful?  Have you looked for signs or evidence?  Sorry if I'm telling you things you don't want to hear, but it is just looking this way to me.

 

Take care and good luck.  If none of this makes sense, I hope you will write back and then we can talk about other possibilities.

Quote From: rls1610

Well, I just joined the boards and have spent awhile browsing some of the posts. I haven't yet come across someone in my position so I decided to be somewhat brave :) and post...

 

I have been married for about 2 1/2 years. When we got married I was 18 and my husband was 21. We have no children. We dated for about two years, and a year of that was long distance so we saw each other on the weekend. We never had any problems/complaints with each other about our sex life. About three months before we got married both of our lives were incredibly stressed with family and financial problems. Our sex life wasnt amazing, but still not horrible. I wanted it more than he did, but it wasnt a  HUGE  deal. Now,  it seems like he has no sex drive. We havent had sex in 3 weeks.. I realize that isnt a huge amount of time but that is definitley not the norm for a young, healthy couple. It seems like he is just never in the mood and even when he is..."responsive" he still says he doesnt want to. We have talked about it so many times that I just dont even bother anymore. I feel rejected, fat, ugly and like I disgust him. I also feel like whenever HE  is in the mood I better just go ahead and take advanatge because who knows when we'll have sex again. I am almost always the one who initiates sex, but I am so tired of being rejected that I have stopped that too. Yes, I know I have a high sex drive, but it is not just about the sex. I want to feel close, together, etc. He says he feels close when we cuddle...well,  Cuddling is great, but I want to be intimiate with my husband on a regular basis!!!! About a year ago, he suggested that something was wrong with him and that he should go tot he doctor. I didnt push the issue, because I didnt want him to resent me or think that I was the one who thought he was "broken". He never went, and when I did bring it up a couple of months ago he got so mad and angry. I just dont know what to do anymore. Sex is important in a healthy relationship, and I just cant take feeling rejected like this anymore. And what bothers me the most is that when we go a couple weeks without having sex, I will find porn on the computer or in the DVD player. That is just the biggest slap in the face to me...I mean, how can he not want to be with me...his  WIFE...but see nothing wronng with masturbating to a bunch of girls on TV ???? I feel like he just doesnt get turned on by me and I just feel so rejected. I don't know what to do or how to even feel about this anymore....

Quote From: caddyguy

LILY2007.......I can only respond with my own personal experiences....hope that will answer some questions for you

First: You are almost two decades younger than your husband and all of a sudden you have discovered you like sex and romance and tender moments, and that's great.....but honey he knows he can't keep up with you. You realize that men are required to perform during the sex act....meaning he must get an erection and keep it for an extended period of time.

Second: I strongly suspect he has low testosterone.....that's the stuff that puts the "E" in erection!! He may not...and probably doesn't even know if he has low testosterone. The next time he goes to the Doctor....go with him and you tell his Dr. to test him for low testosterone. He may get a bit upset with you but if it works.....he will get over it!!

 

One other thing that may.....just possibly....be causing part of the problem. Prostate problems....could be an enlarged Prostate.....which would cause him to urinate more frequently....maybe getting up a few times during the night. Sometimes it can also cause a man to "dribble" during sex or when he doesn't want to. It can also make it more difficult to reach and hold an erection. Let's just hope it isn't Prostate Cancer.....he needs to get a PSA blood test at least one time a year at his age.

 

Just a little history.....a few years ago I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer.....and until that time I would have loved to list my occupation as "Sex Toy".......can't think of a better job. However, I also had an enlarged Prostate so they (Doctors) chemically castrated me to shrink the darn thing. That really slowed me down.....for about a year I didn't even know what sex was!! Plus, I had some complications and had so many probes stuck down my penis....the poor guy wants to hide every time a Dr. walks into the room...HA! My point being.....I learned a long long time ago to see to it that my wife always has an orgasm BEFORE I did. See....men do not need the foreplay that women do.....and after they have orgasm.....their desire to please fades fast. On the other hand.....women are much more inclined to please AFTER they have orgasm so it works best if the woman is first. If your husband does not know this....tell him to let you go first. Sounds like a win - win to me.

 

I'm really out of my comfort zone here.....posting on a SEX thread.....but I read your post for "mature" men and hope I have helped some. GOOD LUCK!!!

Quote From: confused_lady

Lily
It's been a month without coming on to him in any way. It hasn't seemed to have helped so far. In fact, I think it's getting worse.

His hours at work have increased so he's even more tired. I know this is hard for him, but it still doesn't make things right.

Now he's not even cuddling me at night when I get into bed. He's forgetting to say 'I love you' and he's never forgotten before. He's not giving me a kiss goodnight and we've never missed a night until now.

It was our 13th anniversary this week. We went to dinner the night before because he had an early start the next morning. We went with another couple. I had intended to go as just us, but he asked to invite them (it's one of my girlfriends and her new partner). BTW, her new partner shows interest in me, but my husband thinks it's amusing.

 I cooked him a nice meal on our anniversary night. He was asleep before the meal, woke up, ate then rushed to bed by 6.30. Again he forgot to say 'I love you' and was in a really bad mood. I've told him that he was irritable, but he said he hadn't noticed. He didn't say sorry. Neither night did he even hint at sex - not even fondling. He never even gave me a decent kiss either night.

He told me we could take a holiday next month and to book something. I knew work would interfere, so I didn't book. He came home the next night and said it was off. Then it was the weekend. After that, he said his leave was approved, we could go. Then the next day he changed his mind again, saying that there was a job they'd forgotten about and that he had to do it as there was nobody else. I want to go overseas (we do that most years), but he said he wants to stay in the state now. He usually wants to go further so they can't contact him.

He's just getting more and more withdrawn and I'm wondering if he really wants to be with me at all. I can't talk to him. He gets irritable and puts me down, tells me I'm being ridiculous or stupid, or walks away when I start any kind of conversation about what's happening.

I'm getting more and more upset and distressed about where this is going.

Quote From: lily2007

dear caddyguy -

Thank you - I know you said you were out of your comfort zone posting a reply - but I do appreciate it.

I must say several of the things you said 'hit' home for me.

I mentioned before that I've been reading about 'Sex over 50' - or after (hide the book so the kids don't see) hee hee

I think my summer challenge is going to be to get him to the doctor.

I do believe he has woken up a little to the fact that I'm well - randy? and a bit frustrated by his lack of response to me. He has been more romantic of late and that has been comforting.
I think a little performance anxiety might be there and I'm trying to find the right way to let him know I'm not judging and that I love him PERIOD.

This isn't the subject one brings up on a golf cart is it? Or at women's club - lol - so thanks again for answering my plea for help.

Lily

Quote From: godsman3

 Lily,

Like Caddyguy, I can only speak from my experience. I am a 51 yo male, married 32 years. Two kids both married and out of the house. I have posted before and if you are interested in my situation you can read them. Your husband sounds like the male version of my wife. And while I agree with Caddyguy and Figureitout and their advice to you, definitely get him to a doctor, but their are some things that have not been pointed out yet. Like my wife, your husband sounds a bit self centered. Please do not take offense to this, I'm living in the same world. I'm not saying that he is conceited, arrogant, or anything like that. I'm not saying that he doesn't love you and isn't loving. What I am saying is that everything revolves around him. I'll bet if you look at other areas of his life outside of sex you'll see other indications of this. Another thing is fear (low self esteem). This ties in to what Caddyman said about getting him to a doctor. Maybe sometime in the past, (and you may not have even known this) he had a difficult time, how shall I say this, ..... performing. This could have scared/bothered him to the point that he would rather deal with not having sex than admit to you that he is having a problem. And even though you are not judging him, he may be judging himself very critically. This kind of problem is probably the absolute, 100% hardest one for a male to admit to, especially to his wife. Lastly, it could be a mental thing about being past 50. I have a friend who when he reached 50 thought life was over (not just sex). I cannot tell you how many times I've heard him say "Well, all my good years are gone, it's all down hill from here." Me, I've taken a different approach.  Honestly, I feel like I'm just getting started in life. Sexually, like you I want it all. The romance, the passion, the excitement, the caring for one another, the whole enchilada, all of it and more of it. Your husband however, may see things as my friend does and not  as I do.

 

Well I hope this has helped you in some way, and encourage him to see a doc.

 

Godsman3