Topic : Differing Sex Drives

Quietguy, I do empathize.  I have been through this.  (Husband didn't want sex.)  It's just one insult after another, isn't it?  You give and give and get nothing in return--and I'm not just talking about sex.  What about romance and passion?  We need those things; well, most of us do.  Some people are happy without it.  I wish they would all marry each other and leave the rest of us alone instead of pretending to be interested and then changing after we're commited.  (Yes, there is some anger built up about this.)

I will give you my ideas and you can tell me whether it makes sense or not for your situation.  It sounds like your wife went along with the "great sex life" long enough to get a husband.  Did she get pregnant right away--like maybe 6 months after marriage?  Maybe she just wanted children and you were necessary for that to happen.  Was she ever really close to you emotionally?  Did she ever really let you in? 

I think it's very strange when a partner announces a limit on sex--like your wife's twice a year limit.  It has nothing to do with love.  It must be what she figures is enough to keep you from straying.  That way, she can tell herself and anyone else who asks that she provided sex.

I don't think she loves you.  Otherwise, she would be saying it.  I went through the same thing--always having to be the one to say "I love you."  Then I might get a reply.  After a while, there was no reply.  Finally, I quit saying it.  It's so humiliating. 

I don't know how many nights I have stared at the wall, crying into my pillow because he wouldn't come near me.  I would reach over to touch him and he would tell me he needed to get to sleep!  He could have an erection, it could be 8:30 pm, the kids could be gone, etc, etc, and he wouldn't be interested.  I think a lot of it, in my case, had to do with withholding.  He had to have power over me, so this is how he got it.

I don't know if you "missed" anything.  It seems that your wife wanted a sexless marriage and she didn't inform you of that.  In my case, I was lied to; I was told it would be better after marriage.  I wish that I had paid more attention to the distance--the lack of intimacy.  He knew how to act it out, like he was copying someone on TV.  He stopped acting after the wedding.

I don't want to blame you for the problem, but I should ask you something.  Is there anything you can think of that might have made her angry enough to decide not to want sex with you?  You say you haven't cheated, so I am wondering about drinking, abuse of any kind, etc.  Anything?

How old are you and your wife?  I would wonder if menopause had something to do with it, but this started a long time ago.  I'd suggest that she get her hormones checked, but she doesn't seem to want to change anything; she doesn't even want to kiss!  The other thing I would wonder about is whether she was molested or not, perhaps as a child, by a relative.

One more thing--work.  Does she work or have hobbies to keep her busy?  Does she do anything for herself?  Do you still work?  Does she have respect for that type of work?  (I know, I have a lot of strange questions.  Don't feel like you have to answer them all.)

That's all that I can come up with for now.  Will you let me know if any of it makes sense? 

In answer to your questions. I do not smoke, drink, chew, spit, etc.  LOL!  I have been married only this once. Until recently, the magic never ended for me. Everytime I touched her or kissed her, it was like the first time. Now I wonder, is it time to leave and find someone to share the rest of my life with. In fact, in a recent email, my wife told me that she would understand if I wanted out of the marriege and find that magic but that she is happy where she is. We have built a life of memories and it would be hard to throw that all out the window. But I worry that I may get bitter about this as I get older.

We didn't have kids until 5 years after we were married.

With her not talking to counselors, it has left this problem up to guessing. I have heard everything from it is my personality to I don't kiss you because of your braces on your teeth. The braces were 25 years ago.

I have often wondered if she was molested in some way. You would think she would tell me, but never even a hint. I asked her once if she was a lesbian, she said no and got very angry at me for asking the question. So I don't think that is the answer.  Early in the marriage we would have tremendous fights over this. I would go days not talking to her and obviously feeling very hurt and rejected. She would get mad at me for not talking to her. For the most part, the fights have went away. I have basically given up. I will say my male ego is pretty well smashed down and in some ways that does carry over to the way I feel about myself in general. I think you probably know what I mean. You never really get over rejection. Especially sexual rejection.

My kids are great and except for sex, my wife and I do everything together. We go to movies, church, etc. Going to a hotel/motel is still somewhat of a problem. She doesn't like to go there, because I may expect to have sex. She does have a control problem. She will deny it, but she likes to be in control of her environment. This is very hard to figure out and I guess that is why I wrote. It is a confusing situation! 

  then you would believe that you shouldn't have sex before marriage. It isn't just a drphil belief, just about every relegion states this.

  There are so many times I truly wish I would have waited until marriage. I know I love my husband and I know that the sex before marriage was a crude attempt at finding love.

SEX if viewed in such a way now that marriage is of little consequence. Too many children feel unwanted and abandoned and left alone because there is such much sex going on with no real bond with the partner in which a pregnancy occurs. Or muliple pregnancies. Ideally if the word of God were followed we would have a much healthier society, including economically.

 'YOUR' having sex and not being married often means that 'WE' foot the bill for raising the child. If more people waited to have sex and realized the impact it has on a person there would be far less unwed mothers, 'fatherless' child, welfare and low income substandard living for these babies and kids.

  Emotionally for women, they want to be loved and feel secure. There is little security in having sex with multiple partners and being unmarried.

  Not to mention that the Cervix of a women changes from being with someone that has multiple partners or being with multiple partners herself. HPV- GOD created us and this disease is a product of doing exactly what is said we should not do. Isn't that interesting?

 It does seem scarey to get married not knowing if your partner would be good in bed, however; it seems so much nicer being able to learn with ONE special person. I have spoken with quite a few women that have been with just one man, they are in their 40s and they say they wouldn't have it any other way!

I know he is an abuser........to him and I quote "I'm the nicest guy I know"!  Health.........I was dx'd with Breast Cancer May 2006.  I've been through surgery, chemo, rads........he's even made fun of my hair that has grown back into a wild from that can't be tamed!  I have an appointment with a counseler next Thursday.  Although the original appt was for couples coundeling, I asked if they would take me alone if he won't come.  I think at this point, I need to regroup and take care of ME!  However any and every single argument we have ALWAYS goes back to sex.  This last time, we had sex on a Sunday evening, lets say he did, I got stiffed.  The next morning I teased him saying I was wearing a braless shirt and to think about that all day.  Twenty minutes after getting into my morning Kids/work/house routine, he said lets go.  I said my head wasn't into it then, he started walking around like Godzilla.  So I finally had the nerve to say why is it ok for you to stiff me and  I'm just supposed to be OK with it.......yet if I say no, you stomp around.  I hurt his manhood I think because then the fireworks really started.  We had a business together, he'd tell VENDORS our personal issues.  He'd tell customers our personal issues, the business was in my name, I shut it down. 

Nothing for nothing but after a Lumpectomy, my breast still feels numb and will never have the feeling it had before...........so I need mental stimulation.  A kiss on the neck, arms around me, get into my head because if you try the normal ways, it hurts more then feels good. 

I appreciate your response and I am going to do something this time.  I love the man to death when he's nice, he's a great partner, funny, we enjoy many things together.  However now it is about me and my kids.  I have a 14 year old son that is afraid to do anything at all because he;s safer doing nothing then not meeting Dads expectations. 

My husband hasn't been in the mood as much as usual lately. So today I was trying to "initiate" things and he got kind of mad and said that he doesn't want me to tell him when I want him and that he wants to control when it happens. I told him that he hadn't acted like he wanted me in about 2 weeks so I figured I'd give it a shot. I just think it's really selfish of him to say that  and he's being a control freak. It's like he doesn't care how I feel or I'm in the mood or not apparently.

OK...thanks for letting me vent.