Topic : Differing Sex Drives

There is a new book out by Michelle Weiner-Davis, called the Sex-Starved Wife.  She has a website called divorcebusting.com.  I'm not sure if I agree with everything she has to say, but maybe the book will be helpful to some of us.  The website says there is an excerpt from the book in Redbook Magazine (not sure which month).  Maybe Redbook has a website that tells.

hi all, this is my first post. it has been over a month since my wife and I have had sex, and it's driving me nuts. when we first met 12 years ago, it was once or twice a day, every day. she couldn't wait to get her hands on me, and i couldn't wait to get my hands on her. nowadays, it's a pretty one-sided want. she refuses to discuss the problem, or says she's tired. we have no kids ( I have 3 grown kids from a previous marriage), and we both work the same shift, at the same factory. up to last august, it was just me, her and our cats, then my youngest daughter, age 19, moved in to save some money up.

when her sex drive started to wane, i was ,admittedly, annoying- still chasing her around and all. finally, after 10 years or so of trying to figure out a way to entice her that wasn't going to make her mad instead of horny, she told me that since I am finished too quickly, that it's not worth her time. well, besides totally crushing my confidence(and bruising my ego), that seemed to be the day we went to once a month or less.

the last couple of years, i had given up chasing her, and just let her come to me. foreplay consisted of her getting me ready, then pulling me on top, which only served to make my problem worse with all the added friction involved. i researched ways to control myself when we're having sex, but all of them involved both partners, and she refuses to try any method.

any suggestions, kind words, advice for me on either problem here?

As the wife who gets chased....  thought I might drop a line.  I've just registered today.  Just thought I would give you some thoughts from the female side.   For me, it is a disconnect.  We don't seem to have the same "want to's".  We connect more often than you and your wife, but not anywhere near the amount he would like.  I feel bad for him and bad for me.  Maybe you can give me some insight into your side of it and I could learn some of how I am affecting him in the midst of my own struggle.  Let me be frank, I want more, but I cannot seem to "get there" in my mind.  So, my sign in, "get_it_done".  I get it done, but I want more out of it.     And probably, as with me, your wife's difficulties are not stemmed directly from you, but from something within her, so you are stuck with the effects of her problem.  Course, I could be wrong I guess, did you do something terrible?  (there's some sarcasm to that!).

I know you have heard it before but my husband doesn't have a sexual desire anymore.  We have been married for 5 years and it was great at first and then just stopped.  His testosterone level is normal but he did just find out that his cholesterol level is high (274).  He tells me that it is not me and he said that dressing up in sexy clothes or anything else that I have suggested doesn't matter to him.  He even tried Viagra and said that it didn't work for him.  I have asked to give him a ___ but he says no thanks.  I have tried just not asking for sex but it will not to happen until I ask him for it.

Within the past year, he has even stopped sending me flowers, holding the door, holding my hand and wanting to go out (except to eat).  When he comes home from work, he goes right to the computer and posts on forums (not porn ones) although I do catch him looking at photography forums with nude women sometime.  I usually don't say anything when I see it but that really hurts me.

I really don't know what to do now but I am very unhappy - that I know.  Also, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.  Do you think it would help if we went to see a sex therapist or do you have any advice for me? 

This is my first post.  I have a wonderful husband and have been married 2 and half years.  My issue is obviously our sex life.  I would love to have sex 2-3 times a week.  I think that would be completely sufficient.  Problem is, I for the most part am the only one who initiates sex and feel that if I didn't we'd go weeks without it.  Sometimes he'll tell me he's tired, etc.  He's not into foreplay.  But what I don't understand is he masturbates (he must think I'm completely blind)...but doesn't initiate sex??  HELP!!!

First let me say no, I didn't do anything terrible. I treat her pretty well, i think. No hitting, no yelling, no abuse-ever- period. I remember her birthdays, Valentine's Day, and other important days from our relationship. Granted, I am not as romantic as I could be, as those things tend to give way to everyday life. I think I would just be disappointed if I started romancing her again with the aim of getting some lovin', and that doesn't seem like it would help the overall situation.

As for how it affects me- I posted a message on this board looking for help from anywhere, for a start. When I try to initiate sex and she turns me down, it's usually not just "Not tonight I have a headache". She pulls away from me like I'm going to sneeze on her. So, aside from being rejected outright, there is a feeling that any closeness at all is not welcomed.

She has gained a bit of weight since we met, about 50 lbs or so, and I know that is an issue with her. I have never mentioned it, and always treat her as if she was the same as the day we first met. It's not like she has turned into jabba the Hutt from Star Wars.

I have to be honest , I guess, and say that in the absence of a sex life, I do masturbate, and she does know about it. It's just one more thing that doesn't turn her on, but it's not more than once, maybe twice a week. It depends on how the week has gone, I guess. Sex was the way I dealt with stress prior to her turning down the heat. I have found other ways now, but the release is still welcomed.

I dunno if this is gonna give you much insight, but there it is.  

My boyfriend claims to suffer from ED and says he has absolutely no sexual desire.  What I don't understand is if this is true (1) why won't he discuss it with his Dr?  (2) why would he still read porn stories about incest on the internet and (3) why does every sexy woman on TV, emails or the internet make him smile and get some kind of remark from him?

A little back ground, he's 53, we've only attempted sex 4-5 times in the last 14 months and only once since his heart attack last June.  He's completed cardio rehab, gets raving reports from the Dr's and returned to work full time last Sept.  Everything about him seem to be happy and normal for a man except that we have absolutely no intimacy in our relationship and he doesn't seem to desire it as much as I do.  I've tried talking to him and even wrote him a 2 page letter explaining my feelings and desires and still nothing.  He just says he has no sexual desires....end of discussion.  He won't listen long enough to hear my feelings and frankly I'm at a point that I'm considering giving up and moving on because I do have desires and needs and he's not able or not willing to provide them.  I don't know what to do and I don't understand how he can say he has no sexual desire but still reads his porn and gets turned on when he sees a desireable picture on TV or the internet.