Topic : Differing Sex Drives

I am almost 39 years old.  I have done more things in my life than many will ever have the chance to do.  To this day, I have not found anything more enjoyable in life than sex.  It's the best feeling in the world!  Not just receiving pleasure, but giving a woman pleasure is my biggest turn on.  I just can't understand anyone not wanting to have sex.  Especially if they are living with someone.  Why chose to live with someone if you have no desire to make love on a regular basis? 

 

I have been with my wife for 15 years.  The first 10 years together, we had sex whenever and wherever we could.  That last five years, not as much.  Last year (2007) we had sex twice.  (I know!).  It wasn't me, trust me.  It caused a separation.  She returned two months later.  Since then, we have sex 1 - 2 times a week.  Still not enough for me, but I'm okay with it.  At least it's better than our record in 2007!

 

But seriously, sex is such a wonderful and beautiful thing.  I really can't understand anyone not wanting to make love to someone they are in love with.  Men are different than women; I understand that.  There are times when my wife is not in the mood.  I don't like it, but I deal with it.  On the other hand, I have NEVER refused her when she initiates sex.  NEVER!  Why would I?  I love her, I love making love to her, I love pleasing her.  Why would I say No?  To the women on here saying their men have no sex drive,  I am so sorry.  As a man, I don't get it.  I can't see any man saying no to sex.  Something is wrong there.

 

Someone made a comment about watching porn and how watching too much can affect a man.  I disagree!  I have been watching porn since I was a teenager.  It doesn't affect how I perform in bed with my wife.  I don't have to watch it with her, though sometimes we do.  And we have learned some really good positions and techniques watching porn, so don't knock it.

 

Sex is wonderful, it's natural, and it's the only thing all humans have in common.  After all, if not for sex, none of us would be here.  So why do people still talk about it in whispers?  Why are there parents who will let their kids watch a movie with Bruce Willis killing 30 people, but change the channel when a woman's getting naked?  Why do so many view masturbation as a bad or ugly thing?  Any medical professional will tell you it's normal, natural, and healthy. 

 

There are so many people out there who need to learn to lighten up just a little.  And for those of you in a relationship, stop turning your partner down.  If they want to have sex, have sex with them.  What's the worse that could happen?  You enjoying yourself, and them, until you both reach orgasm?  Yeah, that would suck! 

Coach JoeH -

You are a lucky person that's all I can say. I've been looking for a 'reason' for my husbands lack of desire and interest for over two years now. I've gone from blaming myself, to worrying about other women, to worrying about his health. He won't discuss it - he says he loves me and at one point when I was so depressed he 'tried' for awhile to have sex more regularly but then said he didn't like it to be forced. So it's been seven months now. I've changed my appearance and I've bought sexier cloths ... he complained about those - I went back to more conservative dress. He just isn't into sex - period. I've begged him to see a doctor and he gets defensive and says he is fine! So I'm giving up. While some women might be looking for ways to increase their libido I'm looking for the opposite. If menapause would limit my desire to have sexual contact - BRING IT ON. I'm frustrated and tired and I just want to give up. I've quite initiating anything - I've been patient and kind and I've been demanding and straightforward. Both approaches have failed to bring us to a compromise in the sex department. So I put my energy into the family and I've bought myself some little toys. Next stop is the doctor to see if he can give me some anti-depressants to get me through some of the worst of the nights.

So bravo to you and your wife Joe - your willingness to work together is a very special thing. L

Hello all -

I've known my boyfriend for roughly 20 years.  Yup, since high school.  We've both remained friends over the years and only within the last two did we decide to start dating.  In fact, we moved in together, flipping a house and enjoying each other's company.

Everything else is great - he's my best friend, he's fun, he and my family like each other and I really can't complain. The problem is sex.  There's a lack of it unless I seriously conk him on the head with a club and drag him to the bedroom.

Now before any theories pop up, I believe that I've discovered the reason: He's never made love.  Sure, he's had sex and everything that goes with it, but when it comes to real intimacy, he hesitates.  To give a better description of him, he's the rough and tough tumble guy with a heart of gold: Think Sawyer on "Lost" and that's a great description.  He's dated every type of woman out there and he tells me I'm the best he's come across, but he doesn't know what to do with me. 

It hurts, it's crushing and it's a terrible ego-blow for me.  Although I understand that he cares about me, I feel that there's some hesitation on his part as if maybe he's just... sexually immature?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Hello... I am 21, and my boyfriend is 23.. I would think we would be very sexaully active but we are not! We have been together for 4 years and we had been sexually active for a bit in the relationship.. but eventually sex declined alot! I thought and blamed our problem with living at college or living with parents.. which is understandable. We just recently got our first place together in april and I thought our sex life would come alive! But still nothing.. when I ask for it he says hes tired... WHAT? we are young! I also find myself as a pretty girl and do not understand the problem.. we will have sex perhaps once a week and thats because I yell at him or make him feel as though he is not a man. I feel he only has sex with me to shut me up. Since we have moved in, I have caught him looking at porn twice.. why would he be looking at porn if he has no sexual desire towards me? I have tried sexy lingerie.. he says "what the hell are you wearing" and trying to get him the mood by touching and rubbing him.. and getting the response " can i help you? "(moody) and rolling back over. I dont understand.. what should I do? I know he loves me.. are we just destined for friendship? but I know that this problem is really lowering my self esteem and making me insecure because I feel like I am not desireable anymore.. and im only 21..... AHHHHHH

Communications is the cornerstone of any relationship. I think both of you need to sit your partners down, at a time when sex is not an option, and discuss what is bothering you, and what you are wanting as far as sex is concerned.

 

We men aren't mind readers, and we truly would love it if a woman would tell us exactly what is a turn on and what is not. At the same time you need to find out what is going on in their minds, and what they are expecting as well. I think more relationships would have less problems if both partners would set down, at a comfortable time and place and discuss what's going on in their mind, and find out the same from their partner's mind as well.

 

I can't give either of you a solution to what will work, because no two people are the same, and what turns one person on, will turn off another. What the two of you need to do is try to communicate, and find out what is going on with your partner, and why they are not getting what you are needing out of your relationship.

 

I hope this at least gives you both some food for thought. Good luck, and please keep us informed on what is going on, as what happens in your relationship, may very well help someone having the same problems.

Ok well we have had serveral sit down talks about this and all he says is that is tired.. tired every night? I ask other guys and they say I dun care how tired I am but if I had a live in girlfriend that has a high sex drive I would love it and want to have sex everyday.

Im in the same situation as you are..

 

The first 5 yrs of our marraige was good.  We had sex every other day & sometimes everyday.  but ever since then our sex life began to slowly disapear.   My wife has let her apperance go to the extent that I am replused to even look at her without clothes on.  I love her and dont understand why she is doing this!   i have also givin up on her and have been using porn for over 10 yrs now.   she says that most married couples do not have sex all that much and that I am a perverted person for wanting it more than once in a month!   Im sick of not having any true intimacy with eye contact and physical closeness which is why the porn is not enough for me.  I need  MORE than just visuals!!  im so lonely that it is an actual pain that I feel inside me.  I do not want to divorse her because of this I feel it will be unfair to my kids and to throw away 14 yrs of marriage over sex & how she looks?   it seems extreme to me. 

  

Have him seek medical advice. If he is too tired, he may have a medical problem. Also there are many medications that can lower the sex drive. Some medications for acid reflux, as well as anti-depression medication can lower the libido, and that could be his problem. If he is taking something that is lowering this sex drive then it wouldn't matter if you were Angelina Jolie, he would not be interested. Also he could have a low hormone count that could be the problem as well. These are just a few things he should check with a doctor about and see if you can  find the problem.

 

I hope this at least gives some food for thought. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

  This has been a problem for many years.  I have been married to my husband for 34years.  In the last 6 years he has showed no affection.  In the beginning I thought it was about me, It probably was, any way, On Easter Sunday out of the blue he asks me in the most vial way for sex.  I was angry.  All of these years I had to cope with no affection and now out of nowhere he wants his wife back... I never left....During all of these years I found that I just don't want sex anymore.  I find it repulsive now.  I care for my husband.  I need to mention that he is also an Alcoholic, he works and functions daily but at night he is alway drunk, fall down drunk.  I don't like seeing him this way and have told him, but he just doesn't get why I don't want him to touch me anymore.  What can I do to make him understand that all of these years has put a bad feeling for me in this area and I don't see me getting back those feelings.  I have told him all of this but he just can't understand.  I went to a therapist twice but all she told me was I had to figure out what it is I want.

I want them the way they have been 6 years now.  It is so much easier.  How is it that he has regained his desires??? Can this be?  Has this happened to anyone?? 

how can you say, that you love your wife.  i am sorry but if you are disgusted to look at her, you already know that you don't love her.  If this is bothering you so much, there will never be happiness for you in your marriage.  You say you don't want to divorce her because you don't want to hurt your children or your wife, but what about you?  Don't let guilt ruin the rest of your life.  I am sure your children know you are not happy.  I am sure you could love them more and spend better days with them if you were happy.  Obviously your wife has already given up, but you can't give up on yourself. You only have one lifetime to enjoy yourself and  time with your kids.  Does killing yourself sound to extreme to you ?  Cause that is what you are doing to yourself !!!