Topic : Homosexuality

I met my husband of 15 years when I was 12. You see his older sister married my older brother. I swear at 12 I fell in love. We didn't get involved with each other until I was in my late twenties. We lived together for 5 years before we married. During those five years we seldom had sex. For many years I believe him that it was A physical problem. He said he would go to the doctor to find out why he had a problem. I believed everything he said. I didn’t want to make him feel bad for something that wasn’t his fault. 

Also I had convinced myself that he and I was connected in a way that sex wasn’t needed. He still did other things to me sexually that was somewhat satisfying. I love him so much that I didn’t care if it being with him meant no sexual fulfillment or children. There was many times I suspected he was gay. I never asked I guess because I didn’t want to know and I didn’t want to make him feel less the a man. I had recently discovered that my husband is visiting gay chat rooms and making dates. I have been in his emails. I even read where he has invited them to our home. He said he would just introduce them as a friend or coworker to me. That rang a bell in my head and I realized that some of the men he had previously introduced me to over the years were men he was sexing in my home under my nose. He spends a lot of time downstairs in the family room and every time I come down he jumps up from the computer He drinks a lot and I allow it because sometime when he drinks he would want sex. I think he drinks to shut out the realization that he is gay. I feel so sorry for him because he can’t find the strength to come out. And honestly I don’t know 

if I want him too. I know what he is doing to me is a selfish act. 

Yes sometime he could selfish but he was so spoiled as a child it just carried over. Just recently I lost my mother (less than 2 months ago) she was my rock and safe place He spends a lot of time downstairs in the family room and every time I come down he jumps up from the computer. I feel like I am going to have a nervous break down. The majority of my day is reading his emails. I lost my job, my mother and found this all out in the last few months. I want to leave and I know I should. But I have no money job or any real skills. I have always been lucky with jobs and manage to get a good one. But I am older now (47) and lost. I have no family or close friends here. Most of my family is struggling and can’t help. Plus I can’t tell them something like this. If I leave he will lose our home because he can’t afford it alone for much longer. And if I leave what will I have, I have no children, career or money and honestly I don’t want to be alone I so want to hate him but I can’t seem too. I now feel responsible for hiding his secret. I hate that he dragged me into his lie. But I’m stuck, afraid, alone and lost.