Topic : Homosexuality

Hey, my name is Trevor and I am 17 years old. I have gone through a really s***** few years, and have a few questions. In the past 24 months my friend OD'd at my house, my mom smashed her head against a table because she was under the influence of xanax, heroin, and methodone, my friend Jeremy who I thought was straight asked me out only to break up with me 2 weeks later, and we never actually did anything. About a month after the breakup I went to live with him for awhile because my mom was on all those drugs and we got evicted from our house, so one night I called him and asked if I could stay at his house for awhile. He told me to call his mom so I did and she said I could stay there. We ended up getting closer than we ever were. He would always flirt with me but he would then go and talk to his girlfriend on the phone, he made no sense. He kept claiming he was straight. I have lived with my friend Kay, my friend Jeremy, my friend Jeremy's friend of the family Bobby (he ended up molesting me), Jeremy's brother, My sister, my friend Trent, and also took a bus from NY to LA to live with my dad, hoping the situation of my life would improve(it didn't, my dad turned out to be a crack addict, literally) so I took a bus to CT to live with my grandma. I am currently staying at my grandma's house and my mom is about to hit rock bottom with her drug problem, she isn't even living anywhere right now she is on the street. I always think I'm really ugly(I always think lowly of myself, and am extremely insecure)I have been depressed for about 3 years now, and it keeps getting worse. About 6 months ago I slit my wrists and had to go to the hospital. Basically, I am just wondering why I am so f***ed up. I am extremely insecure and hate myself for being gay. I never think highly of myself, and never want to do anything social. My idea of a good time is taking pills or getting drunk. I am always having suicidal thoughts. I try to stay strong and just wait off depression, but nothing seems to work. It is still getting worse. I cut myself from time to time, I don't do it to often but every time I do it it gets worse. I now usually have marks going from the bottom of my wrist halfway up my arm all going in different directions. I have been with a group of friends that weren't exactly a group I should be hanging out with, so I cut them off, or at least try to most of the time. They are into drugs. I tried to hang out with a different group of people and they are a group of people ages 18-40 who always party. They introduced me to coke and I have been doing that alot lately. I have gone overboard with my coricidin abuse (I now drink 3 bottles of robitussin or take at least 22 pills of coricidin at the rate of 3-20 times a month). I am in a losing battle with life and really need help. What should I do? I don't even want to talk to a therapist I think they will put me in some sort of mental facility. I feel like such a screwup.

I am not to sure if I am really homosexual. I mean i have dated guys before high school, but since then I have a hard time even being with a guy in a relationship. I just don't want to "come out" and then realize that I really am not. But then again if I come to see that I am homosexual and do come out, I am so scared to see what my family does/says. My father and other members of my family have made it clear over the years that being homosexual is not accepted in our family, and that it's frowned upon.

What do I do? Please someone please help me?

loves and very stressed and confused teenager <3