Topic : Homosexuality

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back here.  I have a very busy schedule.  This situation has not changed one bit.  Family members that are involved have basically swept it under the rug and I guess I have come to the point that I don't want to think about it anymore.  He still goes to the "cruising" websites on  a daily basis.  I think we all agree (ones involved) that if he were to get caught, it would push him over the edge (suicide), so I guess that's the reason we've kinda "let it go" so to speak.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about how we could keep his wife from being victimized.  I'm quite sure that she is not involved.  It's just not in her.  On the other side of the situation is him.  He is quite forward about his freakish ways (as far as porn and things to this nature).  We simply don'e know where to go from here.  As I've said before, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Well, then I really don't think that anything can or should be done. If you fear he will kill himself than if you weigh that with the truth, what has more value? IMO human life does.

My problem is I have a 21year old daughter almost 22 who currently attends a very high profile college and has just achieved several awards in her sport the best of which is All-American.  I can't tell you how proud I am of her she is so dedicated to her sport, and her patience after her games with signing autographs for the kids and speaking to people she is just a truley amazing girl.  My dilema comes in over the holidays my 18 year old middle daughter tells me, that she thinks my oldest is gay.  I ask how she explains she went through her phone and saw some text messages etc.  To begin with my daughter is almost 6' tall very muscular, she is a goalkeeper and never what I would call a girlie girl like her sister or me.  So after hearing what my other daughter told me, I wasn't completely taken back by it, although I was raised in a very strict italian catholic family where this is totally not acceptable. 

 

I after three weeks spoke to my daughter about it and she explained she has had a relationship with a man a only one with a woman that is no longer, but if she had to choose right now it would lean towards a female.  I have to admit I cried not because I was EVER disappointed in her beliefs, but in the fact she couldn't tell me.  She kept asking me was I mad at her? I assured her absolutely not, but I don't know the right way to handle all this.  Monday evening she will be presented with an award and it will be the first time I have seen her since we spoke.  I would love some advice on how to handle this better than I did.  Some of the fears I had for my daughter were that she commands the field as the Captain, and if this gets out...how much will her team mates respect her.  As it stands now, she is loved by professors, coaches, students, parents, and also does a lot of the recruiting for the college.  I want to preserve her name and save her any pain that may be ahead (if that's possible).

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you! (:

You need to talk to your daughter about your fears for her. Let her know that you love her no matter what; and that because you are her mother, you don’t ever want to see her hurt. Ask her if she is concerned that her sexuality will ‘get out.’ Do you know if this is a concern that she has, or is this only your concern?

Of course this is a shock for you because you’ve just found out; but with time, you will adjust and you will find that a person’s sexuality doesn’t label them.

Jaimie:

 

Thak you for your reply.  I greatly appreciate it.  As you asked, is it me or is it my daughter that is concerned if this get's out?  I have to say I really don't know, however, there is a girl currently on the team who is gay and a lot of the girls make fun of her (usually my daughter tells me when their drinking).

 

My only goal in life is to see my daughter happy and living with no regrets!  She has been my idol since she was a teenager; this could never shadow that kind of love and admiration.  The only thing I have to admit, is that I just do not believe in being my childrens "FRIEND" instead of her parent.  I have had to be both Mom & Dad to my children and I find being their parent (for me) has been the better way to go.  I'm sre my kids have enough friends so my roll is very defind and I hopefully show them a good example.

 

Again, thank you for your advice, and I will let you know after I see her tomorrow how things go.

 

 

To Many People try to tell us that they understand who we are and that they  understand how we feel.  first of all, if you are not in my shoes you cannot tell me how i feel on the inside.  If the person feels totally on the inside that they should be a person of the oppisite sex  then that is for them to make the dessision and not for someone else.  I was born gay.  I am Gay.  I have been with women and there is nothing that excites about me being with a woman.  I enjoy a mans touch.  I have never been abused, molested, nor deprived by my father.  I have feelings towards another man. I  will challange any person even Dr. Phil about my feelings and if he wants to put religion into it I  will challange him on level's he has never seen on a  2000+ history of Homosexuality.  So all gay men and women stand up for yourselfs!!!

This day and age, not that there isn't prejudice, I think she will be fine with her being bisexual in this world I wouldn't worry HUGELY about that part. I am 28 and most of my peers, even in my very religious area, have a sort of accept or shut up attitude about homosexuality.

She's also an adult and I'm sure she can handle all this and if she needs you, just let her know you are there for her.

Also, I want you to know that being muscular and tall isn't a recipe for homosexuality. I have known some small and dainty bisexual and lesbian women! LOL

I find this post sadly divisive. If someone is saying they understand you, then they really probably are trying. They may not be gay, but the can empathize, sympathize and they can imagine your situation. Condemning this is only going to create a bigger divide.

Why do you need to handle this? shes your daughter why does it matter who she sleeps with?? and why is it any of your business? Maybe if you left her alone she would have come to you when she was ready and you could have talked about it, instead you confronted her and then stopped talking to her.

As for preserving her name, the only way anyones going to find out is if you or her tell somebody and thats not really something you would discuss casually.

You have already received very sound advice (although I did find the last post to you to be somewhat attacking in its nature - don't let that hurt you) and I only have a little bit to add.  (well I say a little bit, but have never been known for being succinct, so we shall see lol) 

 

I am most concerned that you haven't spoken to your daughter since she told you she is leaning toward being attracted to females.  I am concerned because she may be feeling that you are disappointed, or having some other type of negative reaction about it.  That could be leaving her feeling scared and/or sad and worried.  Is there any reason you have to wait until Monday evening to speak to her?  If you are a little unsure about picking up the phone, maybe you could send her an email.  Let her know everything you are, and have been, feeling - your concerns and worries.  Be very honest about why you have those concerns.  Let her know that her sexual orientation does not change or lessen your love of, respect for, and pride in, her.  I'm just thinking she probably needs alot of reassurance from you right now - that may not be easy to do, as you are working your way through your feelings - but IMO, it seems essential that she knows you are 100% there for her, in whatever way she needs you to be, as you have been throughout her life.  In a phone call, or email, you could ask HER the questions you have asked us.  Ask her if she shares your fears about her teammates and other people 'finding out'.  I'm suggesting you start this dialogue with her in either a phone call or email - because it may be a less difficult way to get it going.  Then, when y'all do see each other there will possibly be less awkwardness and you can just wrap her in your arms and tell her you love her and are proud of her and her achievements. 

 

I empathize with your pain over the fact your daughter didn't come to you about this, that instead you had to ask.  I have 5 children - the girls are 15, 12 and 11 and the boys are 8 and 6.  I tell all of them, often, that there is not a single thing in this world that would cause me or their dad to love and respect them any less than we do now.  With the older ones, I speak to making bad choices as far as unprotected sex and alcohol etc, with the younger ones it centers on the mistakes little guys can, and do, make.  Just about a week ago my oldest and I were talking about sexual orientation.  We were discussing whether or not she has any peers who have come out as being bisexual or homosexual.  Interestingly - she said she doesn't know of one person who has said they are gay - but that several girls in the 'goth' clicque state they are bisexual.  I pointed out to her that in a school the size of hers, there have to be homosexual people, but that for whatever reason they are not choosing to say they are (possibly the usual fears about discrimination  - which, unfortunately, still are legit fears).  I went on to tell her that if she ever starts to feel her sexual orientation is different than what it is now (she likes boys, but won't be allowed to actually date until Sept when she turns 16) - then her dad and I would be worried for and about her (because of said discrimination), but that our love and pride in her would not be lessened one bit.  Her reaction was just  "I know Mommy".  However, I also understand that does NOT guarantee she would come to me with that info in the case she did start to feel attracted to females.  I think she would have reservations about doing so, because she would know it would make me worried on her behalf.  Perhaps that is where your daughter was southjersey.  It wasn't that she didn't trust in you, or your love for her, but rather that she didn't want you to worry about her and the ramifications being homosexual or bisexual would have on her life and her standing amongst her peers.  So - quit beating yourself up for the fact she didn't come to you and tell you that right now she leans more towards being attracted to a female.  The reason(s) she didn't may or may not be what I described, but the fact that she did not do so, in and of itself, does not mean you failed her in any way during her younger years. 

 

Well, as per my usual, I said I would add a little bit and then wrote quite alot. One thing I have to ask - how is your extended family going to treat your daughter if she does indeed decide that she is gay or bisexual?  Do you worry their religious beliefs are going to stand in the way of them being accepting of and loving towards your daughter?  I don't mean to infer their religious beliefs are wrong, but only hope they will not allow those beliefs to cause them to turn away from her.  IMO who she is attracted to, and chooses to have intimate relations with, shouldn't change their regard for, and love of, your daughter.  I hope that will be the case. 

 

Best wishes to you and your 3 daughters southjersey.  Right now your oldest seems to need you alot - she will need your support, especially if she does choose to 'come out', and isn't treated well by her peers and extended family.  Don't forget to also talk about this with your younger daughters though, especially the middle one who alerted you to the fact your oldest was possibly a lesbian (you didn't give the age of your youngest, so I am not sure how much about this you should discuss with her).  Be their support system and also seek out one for yourself.  This board is one place, but I would also suggest you find one for parents of homosexual children - that should not be hard to find on the internet.  People who have been where you are will probably have the best advice for you and also be a great support.  Take care - and get in touch with your oldest daughter as soon as you can!  :)  Roxy