Topic : Homosexuality

  you live like this and tell me if this is normal

No, you are not better off dead. You are in a tough position in life...to say the least. You don't have to hide who you are. I've not dealt with what you are dealing with. But I've had depression for most of my life. Life can be sweet and enjoyable, but you have to stop abandoning yourself. If you aren't on your own side, who will be?

 do your son were womans clothes  has your son been rape ?  does your son whore around ,

  well i can understand what your going through , but whe i go to hell im sure ill be seeing your son

  we are both lost,

I have a great deal of respect for you. Being raised in a not so open-minded environment sure is difficult. Religious or not :) We can't be anything else but ourselves :)

Oh no you're not!!!  Just be who you want to be! Giving up is not the answer. Life is a big bully to all of us. Sometimes it totally sucks! But there's always a place we can feel happy again about ourselves and for others too. We just have to find it. We have to find our place and purpose here on this earth. If you can't live two different lifes, then you have to choose: What makes you happy? What makes you feel complete?
If you want to be a beautiful woman like you are in that pic, you should do it and don't afraid of people judging, cuz that's all they do and it's just because they don't know anything about you and how you feel about it.

OK, I never thought in a million years that I would be posting to this board...however, last week, our oldest son told me that he is gay...but I have trouble believing it...he certainly doesn't seem to fit the "mold"...he is 19 years old, and away from home at culinary school...and I think too young to be away from home...he is living with my brother and sister in law...

 

He met somebody on MySpace...and has been conversing on line, and he recently ran up our cell phone bill to the tune of $550.00!!  He used up all of our roll-over minutes, and all of our regular minutes, and went over by over 1250 minutes!!  He talked over 5560 minutes, which adds up to over 3 hours per day!!  When I called him to confront him about the phone bill (which I discovered when paying our cell phone bill on line), I questioned him about WHO he had been talking to, and WHAT they could possibly be talking about for over 3 hours per day...that's when he dropped the "bomb" that he is gay...

 

He broke ALL of the internet safety rules, by giving out his personal info and phone number...for all he knew, he could have been talking to a 40-year-old creep!!  After contacting the phone number that appeared on our bill, my husband talked with the mother of the kid that our son has been talking to...he is 18, and had professed that he was gay after breaking up with a long-term girlfriend and meeting some gut much older than himself...his dad is away in Iraq, and his mom is a "single parent" for now...a lot for her to handle...And she, too, wondered if HER son had gotten mixed up with a 40-year-old pervert on line!!  I mean, like the cartoon says, "You don't know if you're talking to a DOG on line"...

 

Anyway, he has NEVER met the kid...they have only chatted on line and by phone...so how can he possibly say that he is "in love" with somebody he has never actually met??!!  I really think that our son was vunerable and easily swayed because he has no friends where he is at...200 miles from home, not knowing a sole besides my brother and his wife...no friends his own age...I think his longing for a friend was highly influential in his determination of being gay...

 

We love our son very much, and we will continue to love him no matter what...but we want him to be absoutely sure of who he is before he does anything he might later regret...

 

He asked me NOT to tell DAD...but we have been married for 27 years, and part of being married so long comes from NOT keeping secrets from each other...including this one...our son has talked over the phone with my husband, but he hasn't broached the subject yet...next time he calls, my husband plans to tell him that he already knows...and he has some hard, graphic questions for him...he doesn't expect an immediate answer...just some things for our son to think over...

 

He will be coming home in a month to do his restaurant externship at a local restaurant, and he will live here...and while he is here, I have encouraged him to seek counseling...just to discuss with a third party, not emotionally involved in his life...he really needs to think this through...

 

Without even meeting this kid, our son and he had been planning to move in together...fortunately, neither of them has any money for an apartment...really, I think that both of them need to THINK...

 

Yes...I am very resistant to the idea of our son being gay...yes, I'm in total denial...and I won't believe it until he has had time to think it through himself...part of it is that he said that he was joking around with some of his classmates at school, and it "suddenly" occured to him that he might be gay...I mean, come on...it doesn't just occur one day!!  (Not that I am trying to be in anybody's head)...

 

I am of the belief that people are NOT born gay...and yes, this will cause some ruffled feathers on this site...but that is my belief...scientists have been trying for many many years to isolate the "gay gene", and so far, they haven't found one...nor have they found any other biological differences between gay and straight people...although, I think our son is due for a complete medical check-up, including blood tests for hormone levels...

 

I also believe in the Bible...and one particular part of the Bible states that if a person has homosexual feelings that it is better to supress them and be celibate...it is a sin for a man to lay with another man as with a woman...and like somebody else recently posted...God made Adam and Eve...NOT Adam and Steve!!  And referring to another post...just because the Romans practiced homosexual acts, it doesn't make it the "right" thing to do...

 

I just think that our son needs time to think...and as a result of the HUGE phone bill (and nothing to do with the sexual orientation of the other kid), we have blocked the other kid's home and cell phone numbers from our son's phone...we have some strict rules about our son's cell phone usage, since he is on OUR cell phone plan...he was NOT to be giving out his cell number to friends...BUSINESS and SCHOOL calls only, plus the free mobile to mobile talk between our phones and his...

 

Plus, by spending all that time on the phone, he has been NEGLECTING his other responsibilities...because of being so "distracted", he has been fired from his job as a server in a restaurant...because of customer complaints of incomplete orders...AND he has been shirking his responsibility as personal chef for my brother and his wife, while living there with free room and board in exchange for the cooking...Several times, he has "forgotten" to cook their dinner!!...AND, he is distracted from his studies...he got a C on his final exam...AND, he hasn't found a restaurant in which to do his restaurant experience externship yet!! (student chef for 3 months)  He only has three more weeks until he is supposed to start!!  AND, because he was getting NOT enough hours at his job (from which he was just fired), he was SUPPOSED to be looking elsewhere for employment (since January)...He is paying $40,000 for his culinary degree, so he had better be putting his ALL into it...NOT into discovering "who he is"...

 

Yes, we are pretty angry...not about his "decision", but because he is at risk for destroying his career before he even starts...because of being so distracted from the matters at hand...and we have co-signed on his student loans, so we have a stake in his financial success or failure...

 

Because of NOT finding a job with more hours, our son doesn't have any money saved up to move out on his own...my brother and his wife agreed to house him during school only...now that he is finishing, he is out...he will be coming to live at home...and we are charging him $500 per month rent, which will go into a savings account to help him save up to get his own place...we won't throw him out at this point for not paying rent...but it will delay him from getting out on his own...and he needs to learn how to budget...I mean, once he is out on his own, he can't just go out any buy anything he wants...he has to pay for rent, groceries, gas, car insurance, utilities, medical, etc...so he can use the time at home as an adjustment period, to learn how to budget and save...and we're not in a huge hurry to get him out of the house...I think he has some more growing up to do...and after he is done with school and has a real job, he can then start to figure out "who he is"...in the mean time, he needs to keep his priorities straight (no pun intended).

 

I welcome your comments, but I don't have to agree with them...but please give them anyway, if you feel moved to do so...

 

Concerned Mom

First of all, I want you to know my message is not in anyway an attack, I have a tendency to get very matter-of-fact when discussing these things and no matter how hard I try, it sometimes comes off as cold. So please keep that in mind.

I want to say that I met my husband online when I was young and you can fall in love with someone online...it's true.

I want to say that I am bisexual. I have had an awareness of this since I was about 8 years old.

I want to ask you a question, if your son told you he was in love with a girl would you be worried that his vulnerability made him straight? I am quite sure he's known or suspected that he's gay for a long time.

I agree he's too young for moving in, and making life decision based on this kind of initial "falling in love"...I did that. I moved in with my husband the day we met. And I wish we done things differently. Don't get me wrong, we are a couple of goofy in love people who have been together for nearing 10 years.  But I know that that rarely works out. Especially if this is his first gay relationship...he's only a kid, he has many things to think about and it seems he's only thinking with his heart.

As for counseling...do you mean someone who will try to make him "ungay"? That kind of therapy?

Therapy to talk about how fast his emotions are going is a good idea though.

I think that your son is probably scared to tell you how long he's known he's been gay...and people can be in some kind of denial about it. I was at one time in a gay relationship and at the same time, around my family very anti-gay...because that is what they expected of me. He could be bisexual and experiencing his first gay romance and it over shadows everything else.

We do disagree about people being born gay. I tend to believe that. Or at least, they have no choice.  I can tell you that I certainly did not choose to be bisexual. I have no choice in being turned on by men and women. I have no choice in being capable of falling in love with men and women. Every gay person I know says the same thing. So yes, we disagree...but even so, the fact remains that your son is telling you he's in love with another young man.

Homosexuality in the Bible is unclear...certain translations make it seem clear, but theologians do not agree that the Bible ever speaks about loving homosexual relationships. Many of the scriptures, when looked into the original texts, are speaking about prostitution and rape, not gay relationships.  I won't get further into this, but if you ever want to talk more I am willing and there is a religious debate board where we talk about this extensively.

As for the phone bill and being fired and all that...that's just what happens when people fall in love very young sometimes. I did the same thing. I got in big trouble with my job, I also ran up huge amounts of phone bills. And it wasn't a gay thing, it was just a stupid-young-person-in-love thing.

The bottom line is...it looks like your son is gay.  Young men do not come out of the closet (which can be extremely painful) for no reason. This can go many ways, and one of those ways is, you won't have much of a relationship with him in the future. That does happen sometimes. I understand your religious views...and I am sure he does too...after all he grew up with you.  But he is entering adulthood and he will do what he wants...despite how you like it. I say this as a young(ish) woman who is dealing with parents who want to control my life. I am NOT saying you desire to control his life, I am saying that if you do desire that, and if you show it, there is a chance that he'll just go his own way. And you'll never have your potential grandchildren in your life. This is coming out wrong...lemme try it this way: One day he'll be an independent adult and if he feels that he's been being controlled or if he feels that you will never accept his homosexuality he'll severe contact, likely in one way or another, the way I have been with my parents (not over homosexuality, but over religious beliefs) and it's not pretty.

This isn't an easy situation for some parents. If my daughter one day told me she was a lesbian all I would do would be to ask her if she's met anyone and that I'm happy she's figured out part of who she is. But not everyone is as lucky as I am to have that much ease with the issue.

I am here to talk. No, we don't agree on anything, but I think I can be a valuable took for you, since I am bisexual, I grew up religious, I met someone online very young and made mistakes due to it (even though it worked out in the end, it was a bumpy road.)

So, we can talk here or you can email me, my email is in my profile.

Thanks for your reply.  I appreciate your candid comments. 

 

The counseling would not be to try to talk him out of anything, but to guide him in discovering who he really is and get him thinking about the long-term effects of major life decisions.  We dont' want him jumping into anything blind, and somebody other than parents would be good for him to talk to...somebody completely unbiased about him or his situation.  I will ask my own counselor for a recommendation on who he should see, but the choice is entirely up to him on whether he goes through with counseling...but while he is still on our health insurance, we would be paying the co-pays for him...all would be confidential...by law...so he only needs to discuss with us what he feels like sharing.

 

We certainly don't want to shut him out, nor do we want to chase him away with rigid rules and opinions...but we do have strong feelings about sexual preferences...being raised in straight households, and having no gay relatives or friends, we just have never been exposed to that point of view...

 

The reason we cut off the phone is because of the huge phone bill...nothing to do with other issues...he didn't have permission to use up all of our minutes, and we told him NOT to give out his phone number to friends, and we told him that his calls during times when our minutes are being used were to be limited to business and school-related calls only...and to call us, because our mobile to mobile minutes are free.

 

And, although I'm sure love can happen long-distance, you just never REALLY know a person until you have met and spent time together...jumping into anything without spending time face-to-face would be foolish, and rarely works out...(you being the rare exception)...

 

All young people make big mistakes...that's how we learn...my husband and I are in our 40s, and we made plenty of stupid mistakes ourselves...we are not intolerant of mistakes...as long as our kids LEARN enough from their mistakes not to repeat them...

 

As far as agreeing or disagreeing...there would be nothing to discuss with anybody if we all had the same opinions on everything...diversity makes for good conversation and opportunity to learn the differing views of others...and maybe being swayed, and maybe not...but at least by knowing both sides of an issue, one can make an informed choice when needed.

 

Thanks for your input.

You seem to be handling this well. I think how you are going about this is correct. Therapy, IMO, can be helpful to anyone...so I think that will be good. And if he seems resistant you can try your best to remind him that therapy isn't about fixing what is "wrong" with a person, it's about giving people tools to handle the world around them better.

And I can understand cutting off the phone...paying for that kind of thing is not necessary and disrespectful to you and your husband.

I'm glad none of those things have to do with the gay issue, because quite frankly, gay relationships are very much the same as straight ones within themselves. I've been in both straight and gay relationships.

I think time will help you and your husband more than anything. And I do not want to disrespect your religious beliefs, but just so you know, there are many Christians who believe differently regarding homosexuality...the interpret the Bible differently and they have sound reasons for it. I am sure that a clergymen of a more liberal church would be more than happy to discuss this with you. I'm an atheist, so that is as much advice as I can offer that way. But, I can say that religious differences CAN lead to estrangement as I am on a path towards that myself....sadly...

Anyway, I am always around to talk. And while we're super different people, I promise to not jump down your throat regarding your beliefs or ideas.

My husband visited our son today, and he had a long talk with him.  In their talk, our son finally told DAD that he thinks he is gay...which I had already clued him in on...and my husband asked him some really graphic questions about having sex with another man...our son made some grimacing faces about that...and my husband told him that maybe he is just confused at this moment in time...and my husband told him that really, he shouldn't worry about it right now...he needs to be focusing on finishing school and getting his restaurant externship set up...and our son seems open to the idea of talking with a counselor when he comes back home for the externship in 3 weeks...not to sway him one way or the other...just a listening ear and non-biased advice...he can take as much time as he needs to decide his direction in life, as far as his sexuality is concerned...he's only 19...he has his whole life ahead of him...no need to rush into anything...