Quote From: roxy_belleYou have already received very sound advice (although I did find the last post to you to be somewhat attacking in its nature - don't let that hurt you) and I only have a little bit to add. (well I say a little bit, but have never been known for being succinct, so we shall see lol)
I am most concerned that you haven't spoken to your daughter since she told you she is leaning toward being attracted to females. I am concerned because she may be feeling that you are disappointed, or having some other type of negative reaction about it. That could be leaving her feeling scared and/or sad and worried. Is there any reason you have to wait until Monday evening to speak to her? If you are a little unsure about picking up the phone, maybe you could send her an email. Let her know everything you are, and have been, feeling - your concerns and worries. Be very honest about why you have those concerns. Let her know that her sexual orientation does not change or lessen your love of, respect for, and pride in, her. I'm just thinking she probably needs alot of reassurance from you right now - that may not be easy to do, as you are working your way through your feelings - but IMO, it seems essential that she knows you are 100% there for her, in whatever way she needs you to be, as you have been throughout her life. In a phone call, or email, you could ask HER the questions you have asked us. Ask her if she shares your fears about her teammates and other people 'finding out'. I'm suggesting you start this dialogue with her in either a phone call or email - because it may be a less difficult way to get it going. Then, when y'all do see each other there will possibly be less awkwardness and you can just wrap her in your arms and tell her you love her and are proud of her and her achievements.
I empathize with your pain over the fact your daughter didn't come to you about this, that instead you had to ask. I have 5 children - the girls are 15, 12 and 11 and the boys are 8 and 6. I tell all of them, often, that there is not a single thing in this world that would cause me or their dad to love and respect them any less than we do now. With the older ones, I speak to making bad choices as far as unprotected sex and alcohol etc, with the younger ones it centers on the mistakes little guys can, and do, make. Just about a week ago my oldest and I were talking about sexual orientation. We were discussing whether or not she has any peers who have come out as being bisexual or homosexual. Interestingly - she said she doesn't know of one person who has said they are gay - but that several girls in the 'goth' clicque state they are bisexual. I pointed out to her that in a school the size of hers, there have to be homosexual people, but that for whatever reason they are not choosing to say they are (possibly the usual fears about discrimination - which, unfortunately, still are legit fears). I went on to tell her that if she ever starts to feel her sexual orientation is different than what it is now (she likes boys, but won't be allowed to actually date until Sept when she turns 16) - then her dad and I would be worried for and about her (because of said discrimination), but that our love and pride in her would not be lessened one bit. Her reaction was just "I know Mommy". However, I also understand that does NOT guarantee she would come to me with that info in the case she did start to feel attracted to females. I think she would have reservations about doing so, because she would know it would make me worried on her behalf. Perhaps that is where your daughter was southjersey. It wasn't that she didn't trust in you, or your love for her, but rather that she didn't want you to worry about her and the ramifications being homosexual or bisexual would have on her life and her standing amongst her peers. So - quit beating yourself up for the fact she didn't come to you and tell you that right now she leans more towards being attracted to a female. The reason(s) she didn't may or may not be what I described, but the fact that she did not do so, in and of itself, does not mean you failed her in any way during her younger years.
Well, as per my usual, I said I would add a little bit and then wrote quite alot. One thing I have to ask - how is your extended family going to treat your daughter if she does indeed decide that she is gay or bisexual? Do you worry their religious beliefs are going to stand in the way of them being accepting of and loving towards your daughter? I don't mean to infer their religious beliefs are wrong, but only hope they will not allow those beliefs to cause them to turn away from her. IMO who she is attracted to, and chooses to have intimate relations with, shouldn't change their regard for, and love of, your daughter. I hope that will be the case.
Best wishes to you and your 3 daughters southjersey. Right now your oldest seems to need you alot - she will need your support, especially if she does choose to 'come out', and isn't treated well by her peers and extended family. Don't forget to also talk about this with your younger daughters though, especially the middle one who alerted you to the fact your oldest was possibly a lesbian (you didn't give the age of your youngest, so I am not sure how much about this you should discuss with her). Be their support system and also seek out one for yourself. This board is one place, but I would also suggest you find one for parents of homosexual children - that should not be hard to find on the internet. People who have been where you are will probably have the best advice for you and also be a great support. Take care - and get in touch with your oldest daughter as soon as you can! :) Roxy
Thank you soo much for your support and advice. I may have led you to believe that my daughter and I haven't talked because of what she told me. This is not the case. I did go to her awards ceremony last Monday and it was wonderful. The moment my daughter and I are together it's as though nothing had ever been said.
as far as my extended family goes. Well, my Mother is in complete denial. She will not discuss it not does she believe my daughter is gay. I have told her many times to get over this before she risks losing my daughter. Another word on this part. I feel my Mother will accept this over time as my daughter is the center of HER world. She follows her in the papers and magazines and couldn't be more proud of her. As far as her Father...he has been out of the picture since she was five. Her younger sister seems to be fine with it and my youngest who is a boy is only eleven does not know.
Again, thank you for taking the time and respecting my feelings. You reply was honest without being nasty.
p.s. My daughter came home over the weekend and we had a great time! Thanks again!!! (:
