Topic : 11/20 The Dr. Phil House: Heroin Twins, The Intervention

Drug and Alcohol Information

- Enabling -

Overview

When family, friends, and associates of a chemically dependent individual allow that individual to continue the addiction to alcohol or drugs, their behavior is called enabling. When repeated, enabling behaviors become ingrained in the chemically dependent person's family, job, or social structures.

Meaning Well: The Origins of Enabling

We often begin enabling in an attempt to be kind and helpful. For example, we may wake someone so they are not late to work. By doing so, we help them avoid the consequences of oversleeping because they were using or drinking late into the night before. We loan addicts money, often over and over again, and we are surprised when they use it to buy more drugs or alcohol.
Enablers may have their own system of denial that is fed by the lies and deceptions addicts use to cover up their using.

 

The Effects of Enabling

As enabling behaviors become routine, we end up feeling frustrated, ineffectual, and angry. Often, we continue to enable because we don't want to appear mean or unreasonable. Enabling behaviors directly and indirectly support the vicious cycle of never-ending problems and pain of addiction. When we stop enabling, when we stop helping and covering up for the addict, we allow the addict to experience the consequences of their out-of-control behavior. We no longer wake them up, loan them money, or bail them out of jail. We stop shielding them from the consequences of their behaviors.

Drug and Alcohol Information

- Enabling Feelings -

Feelings Associated with Enabling

By providing support to chemically dependent persons, we help them continue to drink alcohol or use drugs, and we assist them in increasing the severity of their addiction. Repeated enabling becomes come the 'normal' way we deal with the addict. As the disease of chemical dependency progresses, the problems and conflict that result from addiction in a family member or friend increase, and so does the discomfort we feel.

Enabling Is Self-Defeating

When we begin enabling, we often believe we are being helpful. When we find that our efforts are ineffective and the problems continue and become more pronounced, we feel frustrated, resentful, and angry. As the disease and our enabling progresses , our initial discomfort becomes intensified with feelings that can include anger, rage, hostility, sadness, and distrust. Sometimes we become totally numb rather than experience the pain, or we become overly active to avoid feeling. Our focus becomes more and more centered on supporting and protecting the chemically dependent individual and less centered less on our own needs. We often feel hopeless, defeated, and depressed. This cycle of problems feeding problems continues until we seek help

Addressing Enabling

To regain a sense of themselves and to break the cycle in which they become trapped, enablers must learn to focus on their personal rights and needs. They must allow the addicted individual to feel the consequences of their own behavior. As enablers stop protecting the addict, they begins to feel the consequences of their addiction, and may become very angry. At first, this can be frightening, but as we learn that we are not responsible for the addict's problems, we feel strength and pride in ourselves. We may also feel sad to see the addict having to live with the consequences of their addiction.

Enabling Behavior -

Overview

Enabling behaviors by family, friends, and associates of a chemically dependent individual allow the individual to continue in the disease of chemical dependency. The system of behaviors that develops becomes 'normal' for enablers

When we begin enabling, we often believe that we are being helpful. Many times, both the chemically dependent person and the enabler are in denial about the severity of the hidden addiction.

Examples of Enabling

Examples of enabling behaviors include:

Making excuses for the addict/alcoholic (calling the alcoholic's boss to say they are sick with the flu, when they are really hung over, or referring to your teenager's drug use as 'just a phase')

Paying their bills

Bailing them out of jail

Making rationalizations for their irresponsible behaviors

Ignoring the problems caused by the addict's use ( financial, employment, legal)

Cleaning up their messes

Accepting their excuses or believing their lies

Not discussing the problem of their chemical use

Not getting help for yourself

As addicts/alcoholics are rescued from the consequences of their using and drinking, they learn to rely on their enablers to continue their addiction.

Enabling behaviors can be changed, and recovery is possible even if the chemically dependent person does not seek help.

Changing Enabling Behavior -

Overview

The intensity of enabling behaviors is determined by a variety of factors. For example, if you were raised in a dysfunctional family, your tendencies to adopt enabling behaviors or renew other codependent behaviors may be more easily triggered by a current crisis or continued stress. If you are a parent of a chemically dependent child, enabling may come easily because of your ongoing role as a caregiver. If the chemically dependent individual is in the earlier stages of the disease and you have identified beginning enabling behaviors, the behaviors may not be firmly established and therefore may not be difficult to change.

How to Change Enabling Behavior

When we begin to identify and change our behaviors, they don't just disappear all at once. Recovery and changing takes time and practice, practice, practice. With this in mind, we can look at some examples of changing enabling behaviors.

Stop making excuses to others for situations or problems that are caused by the drinking and using of the alcoholic or addict. Do not phone the employer to excuse him/her from work. Do not make up stories to others about why the addict/alcoholic was unable to keep obligations such as showing up for the family reunion or missing your 10-year-old daughter's dance recital.

Refuse to lie.

If the chemically dependent person makes a mess, such as being physically ill or tearing up the living room, do not clean it up. Allow them to see the damage and result of their actions.

Do not bail them out of jail.

Do not pay bills you are not responsible for in areas that do not affect your safety or basic well being. Do not pay for the new TV he/she purchased. Do pay your phone and electric bill.

Do not continue useless arguments. Go to a movie, take a walk, read a good book, or go to a support group meeting.

Do not make threats you are not 100% willing to back up with appropriate actions. Example: I'm leaving and you'll never see me or the kids again!

If safe and appropriate, discuss your concern with the person in a non-emotional way.

Find a support system. This may include or be a combination of Al-Anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon, a sponsor, codependency treatment, private therapy or counseling, a spiritual advisor or minister, or trustworthy friends.

When you begin to change your enabling behaviors it is helpful to have a sponsor in an organization such as Al-Anon, or a private counselor or therapist, who is familiar with your individual circumstances. They can be key to achieving positive changes in you.
Common Defenses -

Overview

To protect ourselves against uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and experiences, we develop a set of automatic mental reactions called defenses (or defense mechanisms). These mechanisms begin in childhood and are a normal part of development. Defenses protect us (our conscious mind) against painful feelings, thoughts, and situations in our families and lives.

Defenses Protect Against Pain

Defenses protect us from painful realities. They filter out things we may not want to recognize, and they change our perceptions so things feel more comfortable. In a sense, defenses distort reality, and to the extent that they distort reality, they cause problems in everyday functioning, especially in interpersonal relationships. Defenses cause problems because they keep people from coming to a consensus about what is true, or real, or fair. It's as if we're speaking different languages

Defenses and Addiction

Defenses are normal. Everyone has them and uses them, but addicts use them to maintain addictive behaviors and thoughts. As addiction progresses, defenses become more and more powerful and rigid, hiding the worsening consequences of addictive behavior. Part of recovery is looking at reality and taking responsibility for the uncomfortable consequences of our addiction. This often means developing more mature defenses that allow more flexible thinking and more honest and wholesome ways of being in the world.

Defenses come in many different forms. We may close our eyes to the destructive consequences of using, or we may explain our addiction away in an intellectual fashion that saves us from having to feel. Another common defense is blaming, during which we find fault with someone else to avoid looking at our own responsibilities.

The following are common defenses:

Denial: Refusing to admit or acknowledge that our drinking or using has become a problem. (I can quit any time I want to. My using isn't that bad.)

Isolation: Removing ourselves from the company of family and friends for the purpose of maintaining a chemical habit.

Rationalization: Giving reasons to explain why we drink or use. (I drink because I hate my job.)

Blaming: Transferring responsibility for our behavior to other people. (I wouldn't drink if my spouse treated me right.)

Projection: Rejecting our own feelings by ascribing them to someone else. (Why is that stupid idiot being so hostile?)

Minimizing: Refusing to admit the magnitude of the amount used. (I only have a couple of drinks. It's not a problem.)

 

To the recovering addict that posted the message saying that they must surrender to their addiction in order to recover...

 

If they are given alternatives and are presented with a chance, a chance that that they will definitly NOT get on the street, then your comment is truly false. The street will not give them an alternative to choose from, Dr. Phil will. THIS is the CHOICE they are given and they will subsequently have to make a choice, as I did.

 

I went to rehabilitation in Canada, it sucked, but I didn't know half of what I know now. I had a choice, I took it, and learned that knowledge is power and I take my power back, every single hour, of every single day.

 

A recovering addict, who made a choice.

 

 

 

 

I don't know who should be blamed for this problem, but I do know that these girls are very young yet ,and that their parents are still responsible for them--I think they are still teens?

Anybody can get themselves in all kinds of trouble,yes, but these can be controlled better if there is somebody who cares around to help.

I think the mother has not done a good job raising them. I don't have children, but "it doesn't take a rocket scientist" to know that if your loved one is living on the streets(especially if these are too young) one should do whatever it takes to "drag" them out of there. Even if it takes to get  officers of the law to pick them up from the streets, and drop them off at a healing facility.

Again I don't have children, but I would probably do this for my younger siblings.

Now, we live in a country where there is govenrmental help. So I don't understand why this mother didn't do anything on time.

I am not judging. I believe in God too. And know where evil comes from, but that doesn't mean that we are not responsible for what we have on earth.

God is not going to fix our problems unless we ask him to do so--meaning, we must be willing to change, ourselves.

 

God bless,

alma

 

Dr. Phil has got to know that he is just wasting his time. Forget about the twins and put money and effort into more deserving people. I was married to a man that was addicted to oxys and herion. I tryed everything I could to clean him up and when that failed I helped to get him the resources to clean up. Nothing worked because he didn't truely want to be clean Sure he told everyone he did, but that was just to keep his habit going with little resistance. No, Dr. Phil needs to drop these girls back off on the streets where they belong and go to the local university and find a struggling student who is trying to better themselves and wants to give back to the community. Or better yet call up the local police and just be done with it.

I can easily relate to the stories of these two girls. I myself am not a heroin addict, or drug addict of any sort for that matter, but all of my friends are. In the last year 2 of my friends were arrested and sent to rehab, 7 died, one's in a coma, 4 overdosed, and one... well, he made national news for breaking out of jail, running around our town, and shooting police officers. He is now up for the death sentence. It is not easy to fight addiction, but it is also not a waste of time as some of the previous posts said. Not all "junkies" are a threat to society, not all of them are degrading our country or whatever, they can be very respectable intelligent people. Saying drug addiction is not worth our time fighting is like saying a cure for cancer is a waste of research money, it all depends on how you view addiction. My best friend has been a heroin and cocaine addict for five years now. The effects the drugs have left on her body are unimaginable to most. She's living within her own personal hell and it's hard to stop the detrimental cycle she's going through. She however, is not a waste of time and space as the previous posts have inferred. She is a loving, intelligent, respectable, and amazing person. She's a straight A student and is highly involved in the community and outside organizations. She just happens to be a heroin addict. People will always blame the parents of these children by nature. Although not always entirely to blame, they still share in the guilt. There are amazing parents that end up with drug addicted children, but still, who let them go out at night? Who didn't notice their highs, their withdrawals? Who didn't notice the money being spent or the deaths of their children's friends? Being still a teen myself, I see most weaknesses of parents and how to best exploit them. Some parents are gullible, some are uncaring, some are overprotective, some are too busy, some are just plain stupid. Parents may do everything right and still end up with a drug addicted child, but in the case of the twins, even I, a 16 year old girl, can point out countless errors. I may still be a child, I may be ignorant and selfish and you may think I know nothing of what I'm talking about, but because of that I can also say that many adults are ignorant to our lives and situations. Drugs are a major part of many teen's, and adult's, lives. I think that many people have no idea what drugs such as heroin really do to a person and how many children are living just as the twins did. I commend Dr. Phil for actually taking action. Yes, jailing is one alternative, but that does nothing for most people. By televising the twin's stories maybe people will wake up. It's doubtful, but there's hope. People watch and think 'wow, what messed up people' but what so many of them don't understand is that this is real. The twin's story is one that could be repeated around the nation by teens. It's happened for years and is happening every day. At least by bringing attention to it there's hope for preventing many more children from falling down that path. Even if as some say, the twin's are a hopeless case, their lives can help to save many others. Perhaps even that of my best friend. I'd like to thank the Dr. Phil show for bringing attention to this epidemic through the stories of these two girls.

I am suprised that Dr. Phil continues to allow Joani to keep bringing in people that need treatment. How is her own recovery going if she is focusing her time/energy on other addicts. As a former alcohol addict I know that it is soooooo bad for me to be around people that drink. It makes me want to relapse. Joani feeling like she has to help others (I saw her on A&Es Intervention show too) may be her newest addiction. She can be close to the action without physically doing the drugs. Plus she can be in the spotlight as the person who is helping these people. How can she stand by with a camera and allow these twins (and others) to do what they do? I know she can't force them to rehab. Why did she film them for so long before getting Dr. Phil involved? Not too sure about Joani and her motives here.

I have to applaud your efforts and attitude. But once you're on methadone, it's NOT for life. When I lost my doctor, I had to find a new one. She refused to prescribe methadone. She's too afraid of it. So I was weaned off of it rather quickly. I've gone from ONE medication a day to 5. I'm not sure of the prudence of that, but that's the way it is. She didn't start me out on 5 medications, this is just where we ended up.

I've had this problem for 33 years now. I'm past the point where exercise and ibuprofen is going to help me any. I had a specialist in pain management many years ago who used alternate therapy to deal with chronic pain. All I can say is, it was good while it lasted. Unfortunately it didn't last long enough...only 24 years. I wasn't put on methadone to rid myself of the meds I was on...my doctor at that time thought it a prudent and viable option to the meds I was having to take. And for me, it worked. Someone else may have a different experience, that was just mine.

There have been some in life who've judged me pretty harshly....and to them I always said to slam along their spine (the WHOLE length of it) and tell me what they'd do.

I wish you much luck on your journey for wholeness, and for taking a holistic approach to doing so. I sincerely hope you find what you desire.....

My son knew as well. The family (I say the family, b/c one person out of control affects *everyone*) dealt with their father being an intravenous drug addict. He didn't start out that way....12 years into our marriage was when he started abusing. I stayed 8 long years after that, before giving up...and realizing that *I* wasn't going to be the one to get him clean and sober. HE had to choose it, and did not. I believe my son started abusing himself b/c of the pain associated with dealing with a father who was a drug addict for so long. The reason I say that is so that someone else might not make the mistake in thinking that just b/c you've been real with your child, that they've seen everything that's gone on in your life...doesn't mean that they won't grow up to abuse themselves. All too often it happens. As they say "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". And in my case with my son, unfortunately it was only too true.

I applaud you, though. No doubt you've been through a long road of your own hell, and emerged on the other side. You have experienced my worst nightmare...that of having  your own child taken away from you. I am VERY glad that you both are together again, and I wish you much continued success...in everything  you do....

I am from a annapolis md and work in annapolis as well , I have seen these twins on a dailey basis strung out on drugs and talking to them selfs I have given sarah food and a drink because look really hungry , I am so proud these girls are trying to turn their lives around I wish them both God Speed on their recovery and please take their time on the recovery I know it's not a over the night recovery it's  going to take time , please keep me posted on their recovery and i am looking forward for the 2 other shows about them  God Speed .

 

 

When I watch the program about the twins, it has yet to leave my mind. I could feel the mother's pain as she watched her little girls destroying their lives right before her eyes. I two have seen my son destroy his life right before my eyes. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights, worried about where my son would end up. My heart broke everytime I saw him high acting like a fool. I tire evething to help him when I infact was enableing him. I would pray and turn him over to God. But then there I was trying to fix him myself. I finally got sick and tired of being tired. He went  prison many many many times. And that in a way I believe saved him from being out there in the streets. I had to take care of myself so I joined Alanon. Alanon was such a blessing for me. I was able to be in a room full of parents who were going thru the same thing I was going thru. There were so many times I just wanted to give up on my son, but going to Alanon I learned I could never give up on my son. I loved him when he didn't love him self. I was there for him 100%. I told him when he was serious about getting help I would drop what ever I was doing and be there. By the grace of God he is doing great today. He's not perfect, but he is making wonderful progress with this life today. I believe we need to keep the hope alive. And we need to do WHAT EVER it takes.

Dr. Phil is not wasting his time, he is doing a wonderful thing. And maybe, just maybe the twins will get to a place to know they can live a diffrent life. I do believe they are tired of living the life they are living. But the drug is so powerful and conning that it makes it so hard but not impossible. But with God's grace and support I believe they will come to know a new life. It won't be easy for the grils or the mother, but there is hope. They have my prayers 100%.