Topic : 03/30 Nightmare Brides and Grooms

Richard, you might appreciate knowing that you aren't the only man who has definitive ideas about his wedding.  Anyone who has watched Bridezillas on TV has seen what excess can do to a woman and insisting that someone who has a $35,000/yr income is suddenly a princess with an unlimited budget just isn't pretty.  I married a man who did a lot of what you are doing about your wedding.  I was informed, in no uncertain terms, that we would NOT have a wedding in my childhood church, the wedding would NOT be open to friends, and since he hates cake we would NOT have a reception in which he would be forced to eat it.   He had made promises to himself about not being forced to have a "real" wedding that he was bound and determined to keep at all costs.  Oh yeah, he'd made a promise to himself he would never eat wedding cake again and HE MEANT IT.  His objections were not financial -- frankly, your position is more defensible than his was.  His mother catered weddings when he was growing up and his idea of a wedding such as that was a huge public spectacle more for the benefit of the attendees than for the bride and groom; that this was such an intensely personal moment that he could not, absolutely could not, have it in front of others, and the only reason that we could even have immediate family present was that his mother would nag him to his or her death if she didn't get to attend.    I was told, plainly and in no way arguable, that if I had to have the wedding I wanted, I would have to find a different man to marry.  (My wedding, by the way, was modest to the extreme by most standards -- reception is cake, nuts and punch in my rural neck of the woods, and if you decide to go REALLY upscale and "put on the dog" you get a watermelon carved like a basket with fruit in it, but  you risk people thinking you're putting on airs :)     So, I made the choice that the man was worth more than the day and conceded to each and every one of his demands, having a disappointing-in-many-ways, error-filled (won't bore you with the details but trust me, EVERYTHING went wrong because of his strict demands) and distinctly unmemorable event.  But he got to have each and every thing he demanded.  And the next day, on the honeymoon, the hurt (and tears and recriminations) set in.

I don't regret my marriage at all; my husband is absolutely fabulous each and every day after the wedding.  I made the right decision.  So, in that sense, it worked out for us.  But let me tell you what the flip side is.   That the wedding was such a comedy of errors and so far removed from what I wanted -- frankly, what any woman would want -- is now, and will forever be, a source of hurt.  There is no fond reminiscing with the photo album or the video -- our best picture was taken by a 10-year-old and the video looks and sounds like it was shot in a wind tunnel -- sunset at the beach sounds romantic but it is difficult to pull off.  My husband would give anything now to go back and compromise with me so that we could both be happy with the wedding.  He realized far too late that if only one partner is happy with how it goes, then neither partner is happy in the end.  You don't want to be in his shoes -- hoping desperately on our anniversary that he doesn't come home to a wife dissolved in tears -- again -- over something that can't be changed. Being frustrated over and over that he can't give his wife something so important to her.  You get ONE SHOT to get this right.   WHATEVER date you set, you want to this to be a memory framed in gold, not pain.  I am as angry with myself as I am with him because I allowed it.  So, for our anniversary, we have tears, resentment, frustration, and anger.   We try to deal with it; meaning, I try to not think about it.  Is that the anniversary you want?  Trying really, really hard to blot out the memory?  You don't want this -- not for yourself, and not for a woman you love enough to want to spend the rest of your life with.  More money can be made, but as we know, memories cannot.

By the way, I read this to my husband and gave him the opportunity to edit or add to it to make sure I wasn't misrepresenting him or his position.  His only comment was to say that if he had to do it over, he'd do it much differently.  But there are no do-overs here.  Trust me -- let him stand by his lonesome in the "wasn't I a real jerk to the woman I love" category.  Please know that both of us understand BOTH of you and wish you the very best.  I think that you're like my wonderful man -- not vile or controlling, but with a definite position that has some degree of logic and merit that makes sense to you, but ultimately, not in the best interest of your marriage in the long run.  Best wishes!

So glad YOUR priorities are staright.  Since most people are living on credit and just one paycheck away from bankrupsy, $6000 is TOO much money and it will probably add to the financial problems that are helping put us past a 50% divorce rate in this sad country!

Most people don't have $6000 in their bank accounts EVER and if they think starting off a marriage IN DEBT is going to help make the marriage work, they are sadly mistaken.

Marriage is about a committment in front of God...for life...for better, worse, in sickness and in health. That money, if they even have it, could help so many in need. Buying a dress for a day and flowers that die really show us what kind of priorities we selfish, greedy Americans have!

Okay, Bloss, my very first hard-knox instinct is to order you to: "GET THE H*** OUT OF THAT HOME AND TAKE THE KIDS!!!!  (and) DON'T LOOK BACK!!! But I can't and I won't. It is none of my business.  But, since you already shared your hell-hole on this message board, I figure that you may be lookin' for some feedback, just as you were offering some of your own to the Dr. Phil guest.

First, please don't misrepresent on what I'm about to share. It's merely an observation. I might even offer you some of my suggestions. I'll try to be polite about it. So, try not to be offended.

As I read your post, I happen to have jotted down some comments that you made. And, there were lots of statements that you made about your husband and some self-incriminating stuff that you, yourself made.

Your marriage has been 11 years of hell. Family is controlling. They have mental health issues. You had no say in the wedding plans. Husband leave all the house work to you. He parties, gets drunk. Bailed him out of jail (had to get your child dressed). He doesn't take you out. You take on all responsibilities. He orders you around. Tell you when you do wrong. He married you for just one reason: take care of him  and the kids. With his buddies all the time. (pant! pant! pant!). Eats, sleeps, watches sports on TV, on the computer. He's lazy. Has no respect for you and women. What he says, goes, or else. Doesn't buy kids clothes. Tells you how to spend your hard earned money. Breaks promises. (pant! pant! pant!). All of this takes quality time from the kids.

And so, he makes you feel unappreciated, used, abused, lonely; you've been mentally beatened, getting depressed; you feel like crying. You've always been this meek, mild girl. You are a pleaser, very quiet. You feel degraded, poor and embarassed. He treats you like a slave. You don't feel worthy. Did I miss anything?

You did touch on some key points, though: You said that your marriage is not a partnership. It certainly is a partnership. He's a dictator and you are his subserviant (sorry). You feel like a slave, right? You say that he doesn't treat you like you should and deserve to be treated and that you ask, how can a husband treat a family like this? Well, what's that saying of Dr. Phil's that is very powerful and right on? "You teach people how to treat you." That's right, girl! You are teaching him on how to treat you. He's a very good student and he's lovin' all of the classroom antics. Your husband makes you feel like you have no brain. Well, the good news, you do have a brain. Trust me. Now, how stupid are you?  Stupid--that's too condescending and demeaning. Naiive? Probably or yes!  You ask if "we" have any hope? If that "we" includes your husband, I would bet on "No". Now, if that we includes you and your kids, I would bet on "Yes". If your husband has any hope? I would say "No", but I'm not the expert in mental deficiency.

You also say that you felt like you have no control over the situation. I beg to differ. You do have some control over the relationship with your husband. And that is, you have so much control, that you allowed him or permitted him to take your control from you and he has been able to overpower you. You let him have your own power. As Jock Ewing said one time to his son: Power isn't something that is given to you, power is something that you take!

Toward the end of your post you made some remarkable statements that went something like this: "You need to let him know that you have wants, needs, desires, and that what you say matters". "We determine our own attitude". "You don't need to be controlled". "You can make a decision to be free".  That's right, YOU SAID THIS!!

And, never give up hope. Not for yourself. And not for your children. After 11 years of hell, and just now you are "thinking" of divorce. Are you gonna take another 11 years of hell before you act on those provovactive thoughts?  Please, don't. You've got your own well-being to consider and the well-being of your kids.

Peace to ya'll and your kids