Topic : 03/30 Nightmare Brides and Grooms

I'm amazed at the amount of Natassia love going on here.  Does looking a little like Angelina make a girl  perfectly wonderful? 

I saw a pouting girl who seemed way into herself.  She didn't crack a smile the whole time she was on air , instead she acted like her little wedding problems were the biggest tragedies in the whole wide world.  At no point did she seem willing to compromise any of her desires for someone else.  It had to be her choice, of music, flowers, dress and honeymoon.  If I had once heard her say that she might be willing to give in on one of those points, if she had smiled or said a single word that sounded like she cared about Richard -- then I might be willing to think she was a sweet caring person.  I think she's passive aggressive and very, very selfish.

If he's the one in control and she's so innocent ;ask yourself just who it was that called Dr Phil to help her get her way.

Okay, I am so happy as hell somebody out there does give a darn about someone else's welfare.  My world has been so small because I am just too overwhelmed with work, mother and wifely duties, there is no relief from it all to actually go out and do something that I want that makes me happy.  So, I really feel better reading these replies on my behalf. As a matter of fact, I actually did something he has always done to me; I went somewhere, didn't tell him where I was, or when I was coming home and it felt GREAT! I had and felt the power then.

You did touch on some very key points that I needed to hear from a different point of view.  I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply to me about all of this.  I didn't take offense because I am so ready to hear everything I need to hear to make better of this situation.  I am taking everything into consideration and thinking long and hard about it.  One thing I read that is the truth, is that he did take away my power and I've got to gain it back but I can't keep fighting with him to get it.  Also, you said "you teach people how to treat you" maybe I should start teaching differently? I think my husband should get professional help, but getting him there wouldn't be easy and possibly would never happen.  He doesn't ever want to admit to having a problem, or being wrong (that IS is problem, he thinks he's always right about everything). 

I am seeing things in a different light now and am hopeful for a better future.  You are so right about me being naive too.  I have always been that way.  A pushover.  Someone who lets people just walk all over me.

My sister in law who has put up with much of the same abuse from one of my husbands brothers, tells me I should stay with him, that it will get better.  She's been married a lot longer than me. 

I appreciate your feedback and please, if you feel you would like to reply, by all means, do so.  I really need to hear it.

Thanks so much for your concern

Hey Bloss, you don't have to fight with him to regain YOUR power. You want YOUR  power back? Than, just take it. You don't need permission from your husband. Treat yourself, again. Than, do it again and again and again...Feels great, doesn't it? Doesn't feeling great feel good? You are teaching yourself on how to treat you, now. Keep it up.

Keep that "light" in focus, my friend, for it can mean for a better future, not just for you but also for your kids. To be naiive, a pushover and allow people to just walk all over you is a matter of CHOICE! There is power in choices.

Your husband DOES need professional help! Is he open to it? You want the truth? Heck, I don't have to answer that for you. You already know. I bet you that once he realizes that you mean business about taking care of yourself, he going to try to reel you back in by making promises, and more promises. Idle promises--done in desparation!!! Or, he just might become very, very angry. So, please be cautious.

Oh, hell with it. I'm gonna answer that one question: Your husband definitely needs lots of counseling.  You've allowed him to neglect and abuse you for so long, it is going to take a long time for him to make changes. A LONG TIME, GIRL.

By the way, are you gonna take your sister-in-law's advice and stay in the marriage? After all, she sure has lots of experience.

Hold on to your power. Only you can give it away.      Peace.

Neither of these two is a bad person, nor are they a bad match (based on what came up on this show).  But, at least with regard to their wedding, this couple seems to have a pattern of not being very direct in communicating with each other, and that caused some problems for them.

Most women dream of their wedding day from early childhood, so it's normal for them to want the day to be "perfect."  While it sounded like Jamie agreed to small Vegas wedding with few "frills," when it came down to it, she actually wanted something more - and she took their wedding account money got it, much to Mike's dismay.   Mike admitted that selfishness is not characteristic of Jamie, and she insisted that it was "just for the wedding."  So why did that "selfishness" come out then?  Here's my take on the situation: 

Jamie failed to communicate or MIke failed to hear (I'm not sure which) what Jamie REALLY wanted for her wedding.  Instead of taking time to communicate more clearly with him about this, Jamie took matters into her own hands and made sure to get the things she wanted (I don't mean she made sure to get her way - just that she went out and got the things she wanted - a chapel, flowers, etc.).  Mike did not.  When Jamie "made him" uninvite all his friends (a poor choice of words unless she physically coerced him into doing this), it would seem that he agreed, willingly or grudgingly, and did this.  He may have resented it, but again, instead of trying harder to communicate what he wanted, he let it go.

Because both of them failed to communicate how much they wanted certain things, they couldn't really negotiate for those things that were truly important to each of them.  The result was that they ended up agreeing, instead, to wedding plans neither was really happy about.  Their response to that was different, though, with Jamie breaking the agreement to get what she truly wanted and what actually made her happy, and Mike sticking with the agreement but silently resenting it.   I'm not sure which was a worse response, but it's obvious why MIke was more unhappy.  He not only resented the things he'd agreed to (no friends, bachelor party, etc) but he also felt betrayed because Jamie didn't keep the agreement and feel equally discontent.  He probably hasn't thought of it quite like that, but it might help Mike to realize that Jamie could have stuck by the plan for a "no frills" wedding, and he would instead have had money left over in their joint account...and a bride who felt disappointed (at best) or resentful (at worst) about her wedding day.  And as Dr. Phil always reminds men, women have a LOOOONG memory.  In the end, I think he probably got the better option - a wife who was content with her wedding day.  I just wish that, if his friends' presence and a bachelor party of some sort was equally important to him, he could have expressed that in such a way that Jamie could have negotiated with him for those things (e.g. perhaps a few friends and a different show for the bachelor party).  Hopefully both Mike & Jamie will learn how to be more forthright with each other as they grow in their marriage.

P.S.  While the price of the wedding was not excessive, the price of that purse certainly was!  That merited an apology - especially because of the initial lie.  Hopefully Jamie's learned a lesson from that, too - better to be truthful right away than be truthful after getting caught!  The loss of a honeymoon is a disappointment for both of them, but perhaps Mike could learn from that - if you're planning a surprise, put the money you plan to use for it in a separate account where Jamie can't mistakenly think it's available to buy $600 purses!!

My middle school sweetheart and I got married 7-8-06 in a very simple wedding.  And you know what? I wouldn't trade it for the world.  Yes I wanted a huge wedding with the big puffy wedding dress (Well, I DID have that.  Got it off of ebay!) and a gazillion bridesmaids (I had 3) , but we didn't have much money and we had to think of one person first, my Husband's Mother.  She was dying from ALS or more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease and it was more important to have her at our wedding than to borrow money for a huge splashy wedding, plan it that way, thus taking a long time and then have her die in the process.  That would have broken our hearts.  As it turned out from the time we got married to the time Mom died was 2 months and sixteen days.  Having her there was worth more than even the most expensive wedding in the world and the memories will be with us for a life time.

I have been married three times and I have a theory...

The amount of happiness and longevity you have in your marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money you spend on the wedding.

If a person is so wrapped up in possessions and things, there is nothing left to give to your spouse - or your future.  I am amazed at how some people spend 10s and 100s of thousands of dollars on weddings for marriages that are then plagued by debt and unhappiness.

Find a JP and get married.  Then you will have more money to build longer lasting memories on, and perhaps even have a down payment on a house.

Likewise, I am alarmed by the size of some engagement rings I see.  There is another materialistic item that just sets ordinary people up for failure.  How can a normal person with a normal income keep up with that kind of standard?

Be yourselves and be happy... that is what really matters.