Message Boards

Topic : 03/16 Rude Relatives

Number of Replies: 331
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, November 17, 2006, 12:54:10 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 11/22/06) Do you know someone who turns your stomach or makes you cringe the minute he or she walks into the room? Dr. Phil talks to guests who say their relative’s rude behavior keeps them on edge. Dana says her sister-in-law, Terri, is ruining her life. Dana accuses Terri of signing her up as a man on a dating site, and says Terri calls her offensive names like “dyke,” “bitch,” and “whore.” It’s gotten so bad that Dana prays every night that Terri would get hit by a bus so the endless drama could stop! Terri calls Dana a liar, and says she tried to hook up her husband with another woman. Will these sisters-in-law ever stop pointing fingers at each other? Then, Paula says she and her daughter, Dana, live in constant fear of her out-of-control son, Steven. She claims he calls her and Dana “f**king bitches” and “retarded,” and has even threatened to set their house on fire. Paula got so fed up that she and Dana moved across the state to get away from him! Is Steven’s toxic behavior all his fault, or is Paula partially to blame? Tell us what you think!

Find out what happened on the show.

More March 2007 Show Boards.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

November 22, 2006, 10:10 am CST

Steven can turn it around!

Quote From: lsangeloty

What a beautiful spirit Steven has.  As a mother of two teenage boys, I had such an urge to give him a hug and encourage him to follow his dream of being a naval officer.  I wish him only happiness from this day forward.  Let him prove to his mother what an awesome man he can be.  Best of luck, Steven.
Ditto to the post above.  Also some other thoughts...  Where is the love mom?  I can understand being pushed to the end -but how and why do you let it get to that point? Only the mom knows when things changed, and why.  He wasn't always this way.  It was learned and it worked for him.  I think the ladies need to do some self-examination on how they behave, react, and relate to Steven - now and more importantly - in the past.  I don't see how a loving home can in turn produce this situation - something was broke long ago and never fixed - he is lashing out. He isn't even acknowledging the real reason because it'll show his greatest weakness - he needs love!  It was so apparent from the way he spoke. I'd like to ask the mom how often she tells/told him she really loves him, that she believes in him, that he will always be the center of her life? I can't imagine anyone who has a great love for their child wishing that they were dead.  What happened to unconditional love?!  I have hope that once he resolves the hurt he can and will be a better man.  The mom and daughter were thinking they needed to get him out of their life -  I think he may need to get THEM out of his life. Maybe it's been 2 against 1 for too long?   <font="#80080">
 
November 22, 2006, 10:25 am CST

been there - some advice to your post

Quote From: fotomonkey

I am worried that I may be a rude family member. It's sort of a long story but here are the main points. My husband and I have been married for 4 and a half years. Before my husbands father past away, we spend nearly ever Sunday with "Dad" (my father-in-law), his mother (grandma), and my husband's brother. My husband's family lives a little over an hour away, so we would meet at a point in between. During those two years, my mother-in-law never once came to Sunday dinner with us. I have always felt out of place around my Mother-in-law. It doesn't help that her house is a health hazard. That is a very strong statement, but let me explain... She has a dog and two cats. The litter is not kept clean, and the dog goes where ever she wants. The house literally smells like urine. One of the cats have some trouble a year or so ago and was throwing up on everything (table, chairs, etc.); it was never cleaned up. She just cover it up with sheets and table cloths. The kitchen and bathrooms are even worse. All of that said, I don't really like my mother-in-law. She is not a bad person, but the state of her home and her lack of interest in us before our daughter was born has made for a bad start. I really have no respect for her at all. I don't want my dislike for her to effect how my daughter sees her Grandma. Also I wish that my husband could understand why I don't want to take my 1 year old daughter into her house. By the way, we are going to her house for Thanksgiving dinner. That was decided without my knowledge. If anyone has any ideas of how best to deal with this please help!
I've been there and sympatize because I know how difficult it can be.  Just think you only have to go there probably one or two times a year.  I am not sure this is the best advice, or what you want to hear.... but try to be positive about going - think about how much it means to your husband - he will appreciate it.  And, whether he expresses it or not, he is probably uncomfortable with the conditions too, but remember it's his mother and her home.  If you walk in with a bad attitude it is only going to make it worse, so put a smile on your face and make the best of it.  Marriage is all about compromising and when it comes to family - just withstand the dirt and keep a closer eye on your little one so she doesn't get into something she shouldn't - then get her home and give her a nice warm bubble bath (and then put her to bed and give yourself one too)!   One last thing, be careful what you say in front of your daughter because it will come out in front of grandma at the least expected moment (my 3 yr old daughter refused to use the bathroom because it was too dirty one year and it made for an embarrassing moment ).
 
November 22, 2006, 10:44 am CST

11/22 Rude Relatives

Quote From: fotomonkey

I am worried that I may be a rude family member. It's sort of a long story but here are the main points. My husband and I have been married for 4 and a half years. Before my husbands father past away, we spend nearly ever Sunday with "Dad" (my father-in-law), his mother (grandma), and my husband's brother. My husband's family lives a little over an hour away, so we would meet at a point in between. During those two years, my mother-in-law never once came to Sunday dinner with us. I have always felt out of place around my Mother-in-law. It doesn't help that her house is a health hazard. That is a very strong statement, but let me explain... She has a dog and two cats. The litter is not kept clean, and the dog goes where ever she wants. The house literally smells like urine. One of the cats have some trouble a year or so ago and was throwing up on everything (table, chairs, etc.); it was never cleaned up. She just cover it up with sheets and table cloths. The kitchen and bathrooms are even worse. All of that said, I don't really like my mother-in-law. She is not a bad person, but the state of her home and her lack of interest in us before our daughter was born has made for a bad start. I really have no respect for her at all. I don't want my dislike for her to effect how my daughter sees her Grandma. Also I wish that my husband could understand why I don't want to take my 1 year old daughter into her house. By the way, we are going to her house for Thanksgiving dinner. That was decided without my knowledge. If anyone has any ideas of how best to deal with this please help!

Oh my Gosh!  I'm not an "animals in the house" type of person, but I have friends who do have animals in their homes and are still able to maintain a clean environment.  It doesn't sound like an appetizing place for Thanksgiving!  As a woman and a Mom your most important role is to protect your daughter!  Trust your instincts, listen to your heart and if you aren't comfortable taking your daughter there...don't.  My mom was NEVER comfortable taking me to my grandparents' house for similar reasons, but did to make my dad happy; when I was 22 I finally told her about the abuse I endured at grandma's house as a child. 

 

Just trust your instincts.

 
November 22, 2006, 11:01 am CST

rude grandmother

I sold my home in Florida to move to TN, with my Parents and Grandmother, I rent the 2 bedroom apt, in the basement and also give parents extra money for whatever. My grandmother loves to start fights with in the household. Like last night for instance, I just got back from vacation with my daughter in Fl and Vegas, brought my daughter with me for a visit and for Thanksgiving as well, right away granny starts messing with my daughter and myself knowing this upsets my mother who than jumps on my poor dad. She than accusses me of stealing a jewelery box from the upstairs guest bedroom, to which I did not and after upsetting the entire house hold said box was found in a box she herself packed for a rummage sale, she could not even say I was wrong, I am sorry, my mistake or anything. This is so typical of the crap she pulls and the misery she inflicts on everyone. It is not even that she is old she has always been this way, I can remember being a child begging my mother not to take me to her house, she is cold, distant, nasty mean and a major mind game player. I wanted to move here to have a chance to be closer to my parents to enjoy them and to give my daughter and her husband space. They are newly married. I made such a mistake, I should have known this was not a good idea, as granny messed with my mother all the time when they just lived side by side now with all of us under one roof it is like hell on earth here, I am going to save my money and get out of here as fast as I can, before she (granny) ruins my relationship with my parents, and also to save my soul as this woman creates feelings in me that I have just never had before, I feel sick around her and tense, I have never hated anyone in my life not even my ex husband, but I think if I stay around here to much longer even staying down here as much as I can things are going to go so bad as mother comes down here to complain to me about the way gran treats her, that just makes my heart become harder, I don't like the person I am becoming in this house. Thanks for letting me vent all.
 
November 22, 2006, 11:38 am CST

Hierarchy of personal relationships

Quote From: purplepenny

I don't understand the love affair people have with DNA. If a non family member did any of these things they would be happily ejected out of people's lives easily... But because they have similar genetic code they feel obligated to deal with an ass****?

Hierarchy of relationships: #1 friends, #2 enemies,and  #3 family. The reason enemies are listed before family they will hesitate before they inflict emotional or physical pain.

 

On the other hand, family will not hesitate and feel they have the “right” to hurt each member of the "family". Coming from a violent alcoholic family I understand the dynamics of a dysfunctional family values.  

 
November 22, 2006, 11:44 am CST

It works though!

Quote From: our4sons

That's a very passive & manipulative way to handle the suituation, though.
 I must admit that is how I would deal with the situation. Unreasonable people are never going to change and life's too short to try to change everyones behavoir.
If they realise they can't press your buttons and get the response they want they'll leave you alone.

 
November 22, 2006, 11:46 am CST

Thankful

After reading about these two families my thoughts turn to my family and I can only express my thanks that we treat each other with respect.  Living with all that turmoil has to be exhausting.  It seems to me that resolving the issues they have would allow peace to rein.  The sister in laws could learn restraint and tolerance and for the son perhaps he needs the counseling to be out of the home in a group home for troubled youth to give them all some space.  By the grace of God go I.
 
November 22, 2006, 11:48 am CST

Steven's Heart

Watching today's show, I cried pregnant tears for Steven.  I know that family is in turmoil, but that young man has so much inside of him.  I could see his heart leap forward when Dr. Phil reached out to him and told him that he wasn't a bad guy.  People need to hear that so much more than all the negative.  Young people, especially young men need a strong, male role model with integrity both emotionally and just plain old male bonding.  I don't know who reads this, but if Steven reads it, I'd like to say to him:

Steven, believe in the goodness in yourself, it's there.  Don't blame your mom or sister for your pain if you can help it.  Allow the help that Dr. Phil is offering you to make you and mold you into the best that is there.  I saw your heart watching you today, and if I could have been there I would have wrapped my arms around you.  Don't let anger and hurt make you into a hateful person, you are better than that.  I'll be watching for your progress and rooting for you all the way. 

 

Dr. Phil,

Please keep Steven close to you.  He so needs you and other positive, strong, men in his life.  You nailed it today when you told him that he was not a bad guy.  You empowered him to be the person he wants to be.  People need someone that they respect to believe and see the best in them.  I saw hope in that young man's eyes and the tears that he shed were just that, hopeful tears.  He'll be ok now that you are helping him, and as a result his family will as well.  Please bring him back so that we can all share in his victories and he can become the person that can offer hope to others.  That's the way it works. Right?

 

All the best.  Donna

 
November 22, 2006, 12:06 pm CST

GO HOME!

When a man and a woman meet and become acquainted and eventually marry, at this point in life (time has nothing to do with this) they have become one body, soul, mind and spirit.  They are to start their own lives and live wherever they choose to live.  We as the ONLY HUMAN race in the universe were given free will (by GOD) to make choices.  Now the choices that we make depend greatly upon our common sense attitude, state of mind (psychologically and emotionally), ability to handle changes in our lifestyles as the need arises and whether or not we can afford to pay for these choices.  NOT ALL CHOICES COST MONEY!!!  People choose to be rude, polite, obnoxious, immoral, criminal, lazy, or even choose to USE others to get by in life, is a reflection of their home life as they grew up and this includes educational opportunities.  As adults we are supposed to be intelligent enough to be and set examples for our children and others.  We are defined by our character within which tells others what kind of people we are.  We must make choices that have consequences whether good or bad or long or short term, but if we want to be treated with courtesy and respect then we must also show these traits to others in our daily lives.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!!

 
November 22, 2006, 12:13 pm CST

11/22 Rude Relatives

Quote From: mommabg

 If the sister-in-law really wants to kill the other one, everytime she says anything negative to her, just tell her "you're right". Trust me this works. I have done this to my own sister-in-law. When she has been petty and tried to be hurtful (in the past, because she no longer does it and never to the extinct as these two), I would just respond, "you're right I am whatever you say". I have taken away her power. She can not hurt me. I did not allow her to see my hurt nor did I say anything negative to her in return. She wanted both of those things and when I didn't give them to her, she stopped. When one receives a negative e-mail, just hit reply and say "I sorry you feel that way and I will try to work on it". Someone has to be the bigger person. Why not let it be you?

That is an excellent way to handle it! Seriously. You are right, someone has to be the bigger person.

This is how you handle a kid who is having fit IMO...you strip them of their power by saying the things you suggest.

Really...good idea!
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Next | Last