Topic : 03/16 Rude Relatives

It has been almost 2 years since I have seen my mom and I have only talked to her 4 times in those 2 years. I keep all conversations short and to the point. I give her no real information regarding me or my children, other than we are fine. My life is much better since I put a new city and province between my mom and her toxic life style. She lies like a crazy women and has to have tge whole family constantly fighting. It is crazy. I am way happier without her crap in my life.

I totally understand how it feels to have family members trying to pull you in a 1000 directions. Stay strong and true to yourself and don't allow them to get to you.

Unless you are in the shoes of this mother who has to deal with a child like Steven, I would hold my opinion. My own son is almost a carbon copy of Steven. I gave him all the love and nurturing he could have ever wanted. I made him my number one priority and deprived myself of a social life so I would always be there if he ever needed me. When he turned 13, my sweet, sensitive little boy began to transform into someone I didn't recognize. Today, ten years later, he is worse than ever. He has threatened to kill me if I ever put him in any kind of facility or seek any treatment for him. I talked him into joining the military when he graduated from high school thinking that the discipline would do him good. He signed up for a six year contract...he was home again in less than six months. I don't understand how they could have released him but they did.  While he was in boot camp, I came across a note in one of his notebooks from school..all it said was two words "kill mom". I live everyday with threats and fear that he will hurt me or damage my car or home or worse, hurt one of my animals. I only want him to be happy and live life to the fullest and would never wish anything bad on him. My brothers and sisters say they don't understand how I can put up with his lack of respect and the abuse I endure from him. I am his mother, that's how. But I have often thought "maybe I could move away somewhere where he could never find me" of course, I would never do that to him, I love him too much. As a matter of fact, I think that is what the problem is...I loved him TOO MUCH. So, before anyone formulates an opinion of what this mom is going through, unless you have lived through it yourself...don't judge.

 Dr. Phil, how could you generalize Rollergirls as agressive and mean.  My daughter is an Atlanta Rollergirl and I know many of the girls.  These are some of the sweetest  girls I have ever known.  They are tough athletes just as football players are.  You encouraged sports for your sons and I have never heard you say that football players are agressive off the field because they played football.  I think you took a little leap of logic about something you know very little about.   In the 50's and 60's roller derby was rougher and the girls were paid to perform.

Today's rollergirls are the hardest working hobbiests you have ever.  They are not paid and they work to earn enough money to keep the league alive.  All the teams practice and work together co-operatively.  They practice, practice, practice.   Come to Atlanta to see the Sake Tuyas skate on May 13th and meet the girls yourself.

My husband and I tape your show every day and watch it every evening.  We have learned much from you.  You just made an off hand comment about something you don't know much about and I thought I would help with your education!!!

Signed,
Mother of Reba Smackentire

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a psychological disorder characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior.  This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. 

 

While less known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2% of adults (1-33), mostly women.  Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight are:

 

 

Get Me Out of Here:  My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland

 

Why is it Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss AND Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward

 

Stop Walking on Eggshells:  Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Know Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger

 

 

Some of the story is typical:  early family conflicts, abusive relationships, feelings of insecruity contributing to destructive behaviors such as rage attacks, addictions, promiscuity, and self destructive behaviors.  The extreme behaviors of BPD constitute the high drama in the stories of those who endure its ravages.

 

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

My SIL and I used to be best friends, she even was my maid of honor at my wedding. Then things went bad.... very bad.  I was to the point that whenever I thought of her, I would get so upset that I would start shaking. If I saw her in person I would get sick to my stomach. I have now learned that I have to let my bad feelings go. Dr. Phil was right, when someone can make a person that upset like she used to make me, then they "own" you. There are so many more important things in life. I can't let her control how I feel and I have to get on with my life. My niece and nephew mean so much to me and I want to see them grow up with my children. Family is very important and we are only here on earth for a very short time. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and just "get over it". 

I've wondered about the young man, Steven, since this show first aired months ago.  I would love to hear how he's done....if he did get the much needed help, & if he's managed to actually go to college with plans to make the Navy a career.  Of course, the reason he wanted to be a career Naval officer was to follow in the footsteps of his Father, who was never in his life...sad.

 

And regarding the twin sisters....they are idiots, both of them, acting like junior high school girls.  I hope they saw themselves as others see them when they watched the show on tape.  What a couple of very immature & ridiculous individuals.

I have been in your position.  My husband and I have had to cut our ties to his sister.  When his sister was on meds, she was tollerable, but now off, she has tried to make everyones lives a living HELL!  Sadly, she is following in the footsteps of her mother.

 

It is not worth having someone in your life when they believe they have the right to hurt you.  Once we stood up for ourselves, things go even worse!  I cannot tell you how much they hurt us!!!  Thus the cut off.  Even our therapist said it was necassary. 

 

We have been able to find the peace we deserve, and can stand for ourselves.  We have had a happiness that we were not able to have with them in our lives.  We could not live a truly fulfilled life, and it was clear MIL and SIL are never going to change.

 

Sadly sometimes, we have to place our focus on the more positive aspects in our lives.  Our inlaws when horribly toxic, do not deserve that focus.

They treat us the worst only if we let them. 

 

My inlaws make it known to EVERYONE how often they go to church, how religous they are.  They make sure to have the cleanest car, the best pressed suit and dresses.  They make sure they are looking their best to everyone around them.

 

However, it is all just "a look" and part of their show.  If anyone knew how judgmental and toxic they were to their own family they would be shocked!!!  All of their children have had therapy or have been on meds to help them deal with their childhoods.  My inlaws have no shame.

 

My husband and I have been told MANY times that we are going to hell because "THEY SAY SO!"  It got so bad, we have broken off contact with them.

 

It all makes me sick.  They use the Bible to prove their points, and show peoples faults.

 

Perhaps they should read a bit more maybe one day they would see the damage they are doing to their own family.